Immigrants with poor families back home, how much do you help out your family?

[JeanneAdil 6,483]

Lots of various comments here about how we handle this 

we care for his mom (as her husband was killed while working in Italy when adil was 12)

1. Many people try to add Adil on facebook,   
2. ask for money
3. when he says no,,  they unfriend him

Mindset in Morocco is to have as many kids as possible to care for parents in later years

unforunately,  some kids are users

watching TV and seeing some countries have riots as there are no jobs,  i do understand but what i see is the underlying factor that although the young men have no jobs,  they have a scooter,  a Cell phone,  internet use and are posing with all this on CNN to show their plight   

think this way if someone gave $500 to each person in these countries to better their life (like we would think put in a toilet or improve a kitchen) what we would see is new cell phones, etc   It seems someone who doesn't work for a living has no respect for what we work for

 

and Luckycurds is on target

home owners insurance

life insurance

health care 

2nd health care for the over 80%

car insurance 

property taxes

income taxes (federal and state)

and all the other insurance and taxes 

[SusnOwen 159]

There are some great posts in this thread.  This is a topic my husband and I have talked many many times about.  You have to draw a line in the sand - Yes, I fully believe that you should help when you can, but not at the expense of yourself.  If you get sick, laid off, anything here - and have been sending all of your money to family, who is going to take care of you?  You have to establish your life, and sending 90% of your income isn't going to do that.

 

My husband's family has many varying degrees of asking - We sent a used cell phone to his niece  (who has siblings and a mother here) with her brother - We also sent a baby gift for his godson and a dress for his mom.  Guess what made it?  The cell phone - supposedly they "forgot" the other items, but we haven't been given them back - Lesson learned, and his niece, unfortunately, can pay the price of her family's selfishness - They can send her things when she needs them.  We are about to take our first trip back - everyone has asked for cell phones, name brand watches, you name it - His mother asked us for multi-vitamins.  Guess who is getting a ton of clothes?

 

We help when we can help - his mother has asked one time for money for feed for the pigs - We found a grocery service and had groceries delivered to them, we've helped with medicine, etc...  But the random requests for money so that a friend can celebrate his birthday, the phone credit, etc....?  Sorry, not happening.  However, his family understands that my husband was not able to work, I had a paycut as a result of Covid, and we simply didn't have it.  When we can help, we do - But our life here, our bills, our savings, has to come first.  With some, the more you do, the more they expect you to do.  It's not an easy thing to find a balance, especially when many in other countries view us here as living luxury lives where the money tree blooms in the backyard. 

[carmel34 3,620]

Great thread and one that hits close to home right now as my husband's grandmother had a very serious stroke a few weeks ago in Brazil.  In their culture, family members are expected to take care of all his grandmother's needs at home once she gets out of the hospital.  They don't have a tradition of long-term care facilities in Brazil, the responsibility is all on the family, even very poor families like his.  Because $100 US goes a long way in Brazilian reais, he is in a position to help financially even though he is not there personally.  He doesn't send money to family members but pays for his grandmother's medical supplies, hospital bed, home nursing care, and physical therapy directly.  His income in Brazil would not have been enough to provide this help, so he is so grateful that he is here and his earnings higher.  This fact makes it so much easier for him to not be there at this difficult time.  He is also a rock solid source of emotional support plus I'm behind him 100%.  So I think it depends on the circumstances.  Definitely no to luxury homes, new computers and iPhones, Audis, sending buckets of cash, etc., but for basic needs and emergencies I think it is justified as long as you talk about everything and agree to it as a couple, to avoid problems in the marriage like resentment and financial problems down the road.  There is a way to balance the different cultural expectations in relationships like many of us have if you communicate constantly and agree on everything, to keep the spending at a reasonable level.  90% of your income seems way too high, that is not sustainable in the long run so you need to make adjustments and decide together how to balance the two cultures so that your relationship gets better, not worse.  Good luck!

Edited December 16, 2020 by carmel34

[JeanneAdil 6,483]

49 minutes ago, Jer1234 said:

It's my 2nd winter in Pennsylvania 😂

Jim Cantore is there (Bethlehem ) for the storm now

time to pack up and find warmer weather

[JeanneAdil 6,483]

I should say "helping is helping"

enabling is not 

[Juddy 22]

16 hours ago, Timona said:

 

I guess this is Nigeria? Lemme tell you about Kenya. 

 

You will soon come to regret this. You're breeding a culture of dependence. I helped pay 50% for my aunt's kids (2) school fees early this year. She just texted me today asking me to "remember her during Christmas." My cousin and high school pals want money to go "drink." Another cousin wants money for tools. My sister's friend wants money for school. Whenever I see "hello" text out of the blues from these people, I know the second text will be "can you give me $$." It's like money grows on trees here in US.

 

My dad wanted another house, in another location. We agreed to get him a standard one. No sooner had the construction began than the price ballooned. So when we pressed for the construction document, we found they (mom & dad) had added 2 port car garage and others. You know where this is headed? I'll tell you. I'm sure those car ports were for future cars that we'd be forced to buy. We refused to pay. The house just got finished, minus the car ports. We only paid 50%. My mom paid the rest (she came to US a year ago, has been having the African energy and worked). So she paid the rest and other unnecessary adjustments that they added to the design later again. 

 

Before the house, he wanted a car. We agreed to get him a simpler one. Next, audi was what was being shopped for. We had to put a stop to this. 

 

Most of these are just to give themselves unnecessary status in the neighborhood. My dad is now honorary chair of a high school. His new status now calls for more upkeep 🤦🏽‍♂️.

 

Since my mom came over a year ago, her Whatsapp is evert buzzing. Relatives and my aunties needing $$$. She sends money to them 24/7. The same aunt that is asking me for Christmas $$$ is staying in one of our houses, free of rent, water and all bills with her 2 kids. Shamelessly, she's asking me for $$$ yet I am sure my mom gives her $$$.

 

I went home last year. Never told anyone apart from my sister who was picking me from the airport. Why? As soon as they get wind, everyone has a shopping list - not just one, but numerous stuff. Failure to buy renders you a bad guy.

 

We just remodeled my sister's house here in the US. The remodeler was  50+ years Kenyan. His phone kept on buzzing. His youngest child who's about to hit 30 years wants a laptop, but nothing short of the new MacBook. His dad was over here heaving and crying. He has paid for all their schools but they still want to sulk of him though they are all grown. Give the guy a break.

 

 

@chikondichamayi

At some point, you get tired of this. Help, whenever there is a legit problem. However, I wouldn't be buying cars for them. 

 

I am not even done. But I'll stop here.

 

My two cents 

I am from Kenya and I can relate, these guys have a dollars syndrome...they end up hating you if you don't do like they want

[Timona 4,207]

1 hour ago, Bob in Boston said:

Lets keep these stories going. It helps with my struggle and gives me ideas with how to deal with it. I'm afraid this is a burden we all have a share of.

 

@Bob in Boston Hahahaha I will add context to you and other VJers

 

I forgot to add that while with my former employer, I had to part with the $40 US currency that I had. I gave it to him after coming out of the underground garage and on our way to the barber shop, where he had insisted on escorting me to as he “knew” the best barber in town (it was his barber friend. I had casually mentioned that I needed to shave). I knowingly wanted to shave in Kenya to support business. Additionally, shaving in an upscale barber shop in Kenya is still 10% the normal cost here in Texas. Local mom and pops are even cheaper, at around $0.25. Yes, you read that right. I ended up not having there as the guy was taking forever. So, I shaved later at another upscale shop for $2.5 dollars. I even tipped the three barbers that were in the shop when I shaved, all for under $5, though only one had tended to me. They all looked at me surprised.

How did the $40 come into my possession? My wife had dropped me off at IAH for my 3:55pm Lufthansa flight. Feeling bad that she had not had time to have lunch with me, she gave me the $40. I declined initially but she insisted, probably guilt due to missing scheduled lunch. A day like this, where my wife offers me money, comes once in a blue moon, so I took the money at the second offer. She will kill me if she ever finds out that this money ended up with my former employer and not used personally on me. 

Back to my dad and on our way deep into the village to look at investments: My dad sat at the front passenger seat. Suddenly, my mom wants to sit directly behind him. I do not know for what reason. I shooed her off because she had no problem sitting behind the driver the previous day (the previous day, she had declined to sit at the front and let me sit there. This is very uncharacteristic of my mom. I still have not come to terms of how she let me sit at the front). Anyway, she is mad but sits where she sat the previous day. The journey deep into the village begins. My dad BECAME the de facto driver. The cab driver had to constantly follow his directives: stop here, I wanna wave to the villagers, go here, turn round, do this doughnut on the road (he did not say this. I just added it for drama), go over here I wanna wave to the police etc. From my back seat, I could sense the driver getting irritated. 
And let me not get started at how MLM have taken root in Kenya and how people are poor because they toss al their money into it, my mom included. 

There is an interesting part of my vacation that I am not going to add here because it totally deviated from OP. So, I will put it in a new thread titled “Epic International encounters.” 

Moderators: Please allow me to provide a link, on my thread, to this one, so that I do not have to write the beginning of the story again.

I will stop here for now. 
 

[coforever 40]

8 hours ago, chikondichamayi said:

This! I have been hoping they could finish school and maybe take over the rent . But for now, my sister just started a job and pays 1/3 of the rent. So I still send about $250  a month for the rest of the rent. Am still glad she helps some. My mother actually feels bad when she asks for anything, so I am hesitant to tell her that. I wouldn't want her feeling bad to even ask money for food since governments home are so bad some months they don't even pay people.

Same here. I can't say no to my mom too and I wouldnt want her to not ask when she needs but I said budget irrespective of if she asks. More like a monthly or 2weeks thing. That way she would have enough when the need arises. 

For your sister,i would think the logically thing here if you weren't abroad is to live on her pay grade. Why get a house you can't pay for with your salary. In Nigeria we pay rents yearly(so with that salary you should figure out how to save up for that rent during the year with whatever salary you have) . So depends on your country,why send 250usd monthly to a house where she makes 1/3 of the rent monthly. That is way above her pay grade and those are the things you should talk to them about. Imagine send 250usd monthly to your sister that is working, another $$ to the one in school and some more for mom. That is alot of monthly expenditure. Not even including unforeseen circumstances that requires money before those monthly expenses. Then imagine your husband taking care of most the bills maybe including your school which you are going to still help your family.(I hope you don't say that too much to his hearing tho) . Turn the situation around. 

[usmsbow 801]

My wife has lived here now for around 6 years. She's sent $ back to family a handful of times, but all but once it was via a loan. The one time it wasn't a loan was when her dad broke his arm so badly that he required surgery, and it was about a month before her sister's wedding.

 

Anyway, this is what my wife has done:

1. Often mentions all these expenses we have. She tends to exaggerate the cost and number of things we have to pay for.

2. Conversely, she has never told them how much she earns since even a low income here is a really good salary in Indonesia for most people.

3. She has made it clear that they will not be receiving a cent from my own income, which pays all our living costs (mortgage, food, utilities, etc). 

4. Since the money is in the form of an interest-free loan, she basically has a policy of 1 loan at a time per family member. 

 

Her parents are relatively well-off and the only reasons they have occasional financial problems is poor financial management and family drama (her mom loves to give money to her own relatives as a way to show off). 

[chikondichamayi 8]

4 hours ago, YecaCruz said:

YES! Especially if you're siblings are more than capable to work/already have jobs.

 This 100%!! This happens with humanitarian aide / short term missionary trips ALL the time!

 

You are the gate-keeper for your family against stuff like that. Do not let this kind of thing put a wedge and eat away at the relationship between you and your husband! He may be understanding now but that may change.

 

It's amazing how quickly the rose-colored glasses are put on once a family member starts living in the US. We here in the US are certainly rich in many ways though it may not show in our bank accounts as such. My husband comes from the 2nd poorest county in the western hemisphere (Haiti is the first) so he's all too familiar with need and also people who play the poor card to make a quick buck. A few friends and siblings of my husband's would try to squeeze money out of him but he saw right through them. "I'm sick and need medicine..." etc. Think about it. They were able to get by and come up with money BEFORE he came here and will (have to) continue to figure it out. They stopped asking eventually. Every once in a while we send money to his step-mom and two youngest siblings to help with food especially since the country went to the pits in 2018 and the economy crashed. She doesn't ask but Mike just does it out of the blue. Sometimes his younger brother (they are quite close) asked for money to help with getting him to school certain conferences/competitions. So it was for his education AND he has the top-notch grades in telecommunications and engineering to prove that he works hard, in which case we would help with MOST but not all the of cost.

 

So we send money maybe once every 5 months. Usually like $100 and it's not because people are begging us to do it but because we have a little extra that we are able to spare. We just sent money last month to his other grandparents because they lost their crop to the 2 hurricanes that blew through the country. They didn't ask and weren't expecting it but were extremely grateful and surprised! 

 

When his Grandma was terribly ill NONE of his 8 older siblings helped AT ALL. In fact, they would come to her to ask HER for money. like REALLY?? Never had time to actually visit her, mind you. When she almost died my husband went down there to get what she needed like a nebulizer and some other things. 5 of those 8 older siblings, who were all raised by her live in the same town and "didn't have time to visit" after we purchased an expensive last minute ticket over New Years. 

 

Your family must understand that you are not a vending machine!  Let them be mad at you because if they love you as sister/daughter it SHOULD NOT matter in the end. Money can turn people into monsters.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Wow, a brother that doesn't ask for money all the time and actually does good in school. This just made me think of how my brother used money I sent for school fees to drink, failed all classes,yet everyone expects me to forgive him just like that and want me to TRY TO ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO DO IN HIS LIFE. Am sorry if i sound bitter, i am still angry about it. One of the reasons that had me question what i can actually put up with although i obviously love my family.

[coforever 40]

5 minutes ago, chikondichamayi said:

Wow, a brother that doesn't ask for money all the time and actually does good in school. This just made me think of how my brother used money I sent for school fees to drink, failed all classes,yet everyone expects me to forgive him just like that and want me to TRY TO ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO DO IN HIS LIFE. Am sorry if i sound bitter, i am still angry about it. One of the reasons that had me question what i can actually put up with although i obviously love my family.

you see, this is so sad that your brother would use your hard earned money like that,thats where enabling comes from. Imagine if this continues like this you are not helping him be serious in life or independent in the future. Maybe you should have a serious talk with him about what he really wanna do in life. Then draw the line. If you can only send the money for his education which I will advice not to give it to him personally. Pay his fees and let him figure the rest out. That is too much pressure on you and I understand how hurt you would feel to see this outcome from him. ,just take things easy tho. Don't let family drama take away the happiness from your life and your marriage even though it's difficult,just try

[chikondichamayi 8]

3 hours ago, Timona said:

OP needs to watch the bolded carefully. 

Additionally, if you go home, do not tell everyone. Just pop up n pop out when vacation is done. That is a lesson I learnt.

 

Funny, when I went back last year, I explicitly told my young sister (who stays with my married elder sister that picked me from the airport) not to tell any of my cousins I was around. So I am sitting there watching the noon news and in pops one of my cousins. He sat the entire evening, being fed and supplied with my BIL's alcoholic beverages, courtesy of my small sister (I do not drink). Later on when he decides to leave, he suddenly does not have fare. I have to pay. Additionally, he wants pocket money before he leaves. My sister later admitted to telling him that I was around. He then went and told the rest of my cousins and my phone never got a break. Later, my small sister's friend keeps insisting I go out, that she has missed me. It had to be in these upcoming upscale bars that charge a leg and and arm for substandard stuff because they are the "new thing in Kenya that everyone wants to associate with." Funny enough, they are just the standard American bars that people drink while playing board games. However, since they are new in Kenya and with some fancy design, we have to pay massively to use them.

 

Next day I go to town to visit my old workplace. Suddenly, I have to buy them lunch BUT at the upscale restaurant they've always wanted to go to. Nonetheless, I gladly do. Then my old employer wants me to furnish him with $3000 for business. Yes, you read that right. He put me in his car in an underground garage and gave me an hour's run down of this business he wanted to venture in. I had to come up with a good excuse out of this. 

 

I then leave and go to the next town to visit my mom (right before she moved to the US). This is the town where 70% of my extended family is at and so was my childhood. Suddenly:

1. She is broke
2. My neighbors got wind that I am around, courtesy of my mom
3. My aunties appear - my mom had told them and said it is "bad manners not to tell them I am around"
4. She cannot use public transport. We had to hire a cab which had to pick her right from the doorstep, not even the gate, doorstep. 

Few days later, we are going to the village to visit my dad. Again, my mom cannot use public transport. She wants a cab. The village is far away from this city (1 hour away from the nearest town but 7 hours away from where we currently are). She wants the cab for this 7 to 8 hours drive and me to foot the bill. We look for one but end up not getting any as it was a weekend. So we go with the upscale public transport. 

 

Our first public transport only goes 90% of the journey. We have to jump on another to finish the trip. My mom had already organized a cab. The guy picks us up for the remaining 1 hour journey to the village. We get there, my mom does not want to alight at the gate. The guy had to drop her off at the doorstep. Villagers mill around and come to help us carry our shopping into the house. I do not recall carrying anything into the house. The villagers had carried everything within a minute of us getting here.

 

Next day, the cab comes back to take us one hour drive deep in the village to look at some investment. We get there, but the remaining (2 mins by car, 10 mins one way by foot) drive is rocky and unattainable for the low car. My dad walks me out of the cab and we walk to the site. Unbeknownst to me, he was only surveying the route because when we got to the site, he told us to head back and now come back with the car as he had seen a possible route🤦‍♂️. So we had to walk back (10mins), get the car and make the GRAND entrance at the site. The cab had to also be parked strategically at the site. Then the villagers came. We had to part with $$ so as to make him not look bad, courtesy of the status they have created in the village. 

 

Surprisingly, when I left the US for vacation, I only wore flip flops under my feet. They proved convenient at airport security check points. When I landed in Kenya, they looked at me surprised as if we walk on air in America and not flip flops.  

 

I cannot, even

I hope my story is hilarious.

And by the way, this is all true

 

 

Hahah omg all the grand entrances i am just imagining in my head. WHen i got home, there was a whole ceremony planned with all the distant relatives i have ever had. I DID NOT KNOW THIS. I actually asked to get home, take a shower, and sleep. There was actually an MC and FOod and music. JESUS i get what you are saying.

 

On a side note, can i ask how old your mom is and if she is working here or just living with you?

[chikondichamayi 8]

1 hour ago, Timona said:

 

@Bob in Boston Hahahaha I will add context to you and other VJers

 

I forgot to add that while with my former employer, I had to part with the $40 US currency that I had. I gave it to him after coming out of the underground garage and on our way to the barber shop, where he had insisted on escorting me to as he “knew” the best barber in town (it was his barber friend. I had casually mentioned that I needed to shave). I knowingly wanted to shave in Kenya to support business. Additionally, shaving in an upscale barber shop in Kenya is still 10% the normal cost here in Texas. Local mom and pops are even cheaper, at around $0.25. Yes, you read that right. I ended up not having there as the guy was taking forever. So, I shaved later at another upscale shop for $2.5 dollars. I even tipped the three barbers that were in the shop when I shaved, all for under $5, though only one had tended to me. They all looked at me surprised.

How did the $40 come into my possession? My wife had dropped me off at IAH for my 3:55pm Lufthansa flight. Feeling bad that she had not had time to have lunch with me, she gave me the $40. I declined initially but she insisted, probably guilt due to missing scheduled lunch. A day like this, where my wife offers me money, comes once in a blue moon, so I took the money at the second offer. She will kill me if she ever finds out that this money ended up with my former employer and not used personally on me. 

Back to my dad and on our way deep into the village to look at investments: My dad sat at the front passenger seat. Suddenly, my mom wants to sit directly behind him. I do not know for what reason. I shooed her off because she had no problem sitting behind the driver the previous day (the previous day, she had declined to sit at the front and let me sit there. This is very uncharacteristic of my mom. I still have not come to terms of how she let me sit at the front). Anyway, she is mad but sits where she sat the previous day. The journey deep into the village begins. My dad BECAME the de facto driver. The cab driver had to constantly follow his directives: stop here, I wanna wave to the villagers, go here, turn round, do this doughnut on the road (he did not say this. I just added it for drama), go over here I wanna wave to the police etc. From my back seat, I could sense the driver getting irritated. 
And let me not get started at how MLM have taken root in Kenya and how people are poor because they toss al their money into it, my mom included. 

There is an interesting part of my vacation that I am not going to add here because it totally deviated from OP. So, I will put it in a new thread titled “Epic International encounters.” 

Moderators: Please allow me to provide a link, on my thread, to this one, so that I do not have to write the beginning of the story again.

I will stop here for now. 
 

Haha i sure am looking forward to reading that as well. Love your writing style and humor.

[chikondichamayi 8]

1 hour ago, coforever said:

Same here. I can't say no to my mom too and I wouldnt want her to not ask when she needs but I said budget irrespective of if she asks. More like a monthly or 2weeks thing. That way she would have enough when the need arises. 

For your sister,i would think the logically thing here if you weren't abroad is to live on her pay grade. Why get a house you can't pay for with your salary. In Nigeria we pay rents yearly(so with that salary you should figure out how to save up for that rent during the year with whatever salary you have) . So depends on your country,why send 250usd monthly to a house where she makes 1/3 of the rent monthly. That is way above her pay grade and those are the things you should talk to them about. Imagine send 250usd monthly to your sister that is working, another $$ to the one in school and some more for mom. That is alot of monthly expenditure. Not even including unforeseen circumstances that requires money before those monthly expenses. Then imagine your husband taking care of most the bills maybe including your school which you are going to still help your family.(I hope you don't say that too much to his hearing tho) . Turn the situation around. 

Wow, I feel like i just got a rude awakening that i needed. When you put it like that, Jesus i send a lot. Felt almost like getting a scolding from your parents that you knew you deserve. Thank you. I seriously need to make a lot of changes starting with the rent.

[Ontarkie 14,205]

~~Moved to Off Topic, from General Immigration Discussion~~