Immigrants with poor families back home, how much do you help out your family?

[chikondichamayi 8]

4 minutes ago, Jer1234 said:

It's the same thing In the Caribbean, I would send money every month ,when I couldn't  afford to send it,they would be upset .so I just stop for like 6months.before u can help anyone ,you have to ensure your helping yourself first.even people who never reached out to before will reach out to you when your loving in America. I still send money to my mom and my sister from time to time when I can afford it..but I control what I send .in America you have to work very hard ,and it's even more difficult coming from a tropical climate to work in the snow..

For real? Getting mad for not sending money when you couldn't?Wow. I know people act as if we just get money from the side of the road. I work so hard while going to school full time and still send all the hard earned money home. And they only have to go to school. So frustrating!

[chikondichamayi 8]

3 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

A brief answer from another standpoint:  Had Mrs. T-B.'s family, or Mrs. T-B. on their behalf, ever asked me for a dime, her shapely hindquarters -- with my bootprint in them -- would have been on the very next conveyance back to Ecuador.

 

This is not because I begrudged her family anything, but because I preferred to select the timing and amount or form of whatever I chose to give them (of my own free will).

 

For perspective:  if a U.S.-born, U.S.-raised, U.S.-citizen girlfriend or wife were to ask me for (or insist that I provide) money or gifts for her family, should I put up with that?  If so, precisely why?

Lmao that first paragraph was so funny. You are straight forward and I  respect that. I don't think I would have the guts to do it though haha.

[Jer1234 65]

1 minute ago, chikondichamayi said:

For real? Getting mad for not sending money when you couldn't?Wow. I know people act as if we just get money from the side of the road. I work so hard while going to school full time and still send all the hard earned money home. And they only have to go to school. So frustrating!

I send 20%back home every month 😂😂😂that's to Jamaica .if I send 90% il probably be homeless here and they would be wealthy there 😂🏝...I know il always send thou ,especially for my mom,cant bear the thought of her not having groceries,

[Sarah_k92 112]

13 hours ago, chikondichamayi said:

I have been lurking around here for a while and I am hoping the community can relate. I have been in the US since 2013, started as an F1 student from Africa on a full scholarship. I am now married , working part time and still going to school. I have a conditional Green card and I am currently removing conditions. Now the question , how much do you all help out parents, siblings, or relatives back home?

 

I can say 90 % of all my earnings have been going home the last 3 years or so. I bought my mum a car and pay to maintain it; I was paying for both my sister and brother's college; I pay for rent every month where my siblings live which is different from where my mom live; I have been renovating my mom's house as of late so she can move in. I am not rich, I have no savings now because all the money has gone home. I haven't bought myself new things like clothes in so long. I feel I need to do this because here I have a high standard of living, and just me being able to drive everyday and enjoy things like wi-fi is good enough .I think I want to make sure their standard of living is at least close to mine.

 

I also know this is taking a toll on the finances in my marriage. Although my husband is understanding, I don't wanna push it too far. I need to save for retirement and just stuff around the house. How do you all do it? Personally I feel I still don't do enough, and I am just trying to see what people in similar situations do. Maybe I can get different perspectives/ideas.

Have you thought about saving up for a few months- seeing how much you can save and then splitting that 50/50. Sending chunks of money (which could be cheaper to send) every few months. It’s tough! I also send money to my mum back home to help pay for wedding loans ect. You can only do the best you can. But it’s okay to put money aside for you and your husband. You also need to survive here. 
 

good luck! 

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

My wife works though she doesn't need to so she can help back home. She felt uncomfortable with me being the one sending the occasional "remittance." It is a part of her culture to send money home to help. Especially for their parents. Some people take advantage of this and bleed the foreign worker dry. We are lucky in that her family doesn't ask for money but what my wife does send is appreciated.

 

There is no easy answer to your situation because I understand the overwhelming cultural feeling that you need to help. Our culture was more like that maybe 100 years ago but now for older folks it is almost every person for themselves. You need to have a plan for when you and your spouse get older. If you wait until you are approaching retirement to start this it will be too late.

Edited December 16, 2020 by boris64

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

3 hours ago, Jer1234 said:

It's the same thing In the Caribbean, I would send money every month ,when I couldn't  afford to send it,they would be upset .so I just stop for like 6months.before u can help anyone ,you have to ensure your helping yourself first.even people who never reached out to before will reach out to you when your living in America. I still send money to my mom and my sister from time to time when I can afford it..but I control what I send .in America you have to work very hard ,and it's even more difficult coming from a tropical climate to work in the snow..

You sound like my wife)) The cold goes straight to her bones. She says to me that I should cancel winter)))

[Adventine 3,196]

I understand the OP's sense of responsibility towards family. 

 

But you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others put on their own masks.

 

OP needs to have a stronger sense of personal boundaries. If they needed financial help in the States, how many of these family members would send him money?

 

Worst case scenario, if they came home without any money, which family members would welcome them back to the home country with open arms?

 

Since the OP is already in this situation, gradually reducing the help (from 90%, to 80%, to 70% and so on, until a more sustainable limit is reached) will help assuage the sense of guilt and wean the family off their dependency.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Adventine

[YecaCruz 379]

13 hours ago, coforever said:

I will say you actually do alot for your family, I think you should also tall to your siblings to be more involved in taking some responsibility

YES! Especially if you're siblings are more than capable to work/already have jobs.

13 hours ago, Timona said:

 

You're breeding a culture of dependence.

 This 100%!! This happens with humanitarian aide / short term missionary trips ALL the time!

 

You are the gate-keeper for your family against stuff like that. Do not let this kind of thing put a wedge and eat away at the relationship between you and your husband! He may be understanding now but that may change.

 

It's amazing how quickly the rose-colored glasses are put on once a family member starts living in the US. We here in the US are certainly rich in many ways though it may not show in our bank accounts as such. My husband comes from the 2nd poorest county in the western hemisphere (Haiti is the first) so he's all too familiar with need and also people who play the poor card to make a quick buck. A few friends and siblings of my husband's would try to squeeze money out of him but he saw right through them. "I'm sick and need medicine..." etc. Think about it. They were able to get by and come up with money BEFORE he came here and will (have to) continue to figure it out. They stopped asking eventually. Every once in a while we send money to his step-mom and two youngest siblings to help with food especially since the country went to the pits in 2018 and the economy crashed. She doesn't ask but Mike just does it out of the blue. Sometimes his younger brother (they are quite close) asked for money to help with getting him to school certain conferences/competitions. So it was for his education AND he has the top-notch grades in telecommunications and engineering to prove that he works hard, in which case we would help with MOST but not all the of cost.

 

So we send money maybe once every 5 months. Usually like $100 and it's not because people are begging us to do it but because we have a little extra that we are able to spare. We just sent money last month to his other grandparents because they lost their crop to the 2 hurricanes that blew through the country. They didn't ask and weren't expecting it but were extremely grateful and surprised! 

 

When his Grandma was terribly ill NONE of his 8 older siblings helped AT ALL. In fact, they would come to her to ask HER for money. like REALLY?? Never had time to actually visit her, mind you. When she almost died my husband went down there to get what she needed like a nebulizer and some other things. 5 of those 8 older siblings, who were all raised by her live in the same town and "didn't have time to visit" after we purchased an expensive last minute ticket over New Years. 

 

Your family must understand that you are not a vending machine!  Let them be mad at you because if they love you as sister/daughter it SHOULD NOT matter in the end. Money can turn people into monsters.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by YecaCruz

[Genski92 93]

OP you need to open your families eyes to the truth of living in America.

It's sad and i hate to see that some of us immigrants family's back home wanted to act like they are rich to the eye of the villagers but they can't even afford it! They depend on us who live abroad because they think we are rich!

 

Before i even came to America i live in a poor country and in a remote village where if you have a nice house people would compliment you alot and think of you as the highest 🙄(I don't get it) . Before i come to the US i tell my parents that i will live in america to marry the man that i love and build our own family and that they should not expect me to support them for their everyday needs, I'm glad that somewhat they understand that. I sent money occasionally but not too big. I hate our villagers because they seems to be minding our family's business. They always talk about how much money i support my family every month,and they bugging my parents to tell me that i should build my parents a big and pretty house or i should buy this and that for my parents🙄 for me it's not my parents that is toxic it's the stupid neighborhood. To have a roof that won't leak everytime there's rain,an access to a water and and small tv that they can watch before bed time is enough for my simple family. It's just these stupid neighborhood. Sometimes i wish i could bomb and reborn that village lol 🤣🤣🤣 I don't even wish to see that village when i come visit my family 😂😂😂

 

Anyways OP a serious talk to the family is a key for them to understand your situation. Always think first of yourself and your own family here in america.

[Timona 4,207]

1 hour ago, YecaCruz said:

You are the gate-keeper for your family against stuff like that. Do not let this kind of thing put a wedge and eat away at the relationship between you and your husband! He may be understanding now but that may change.

OP needs to watch the bolded carefully. 

Additionally, if you go home, do not tell everyone. Just pop up n pop out when vacation is done. That is a lesson I learnt.

 

Funny, when I went back last year, I explicitly told my young sister (who stays with my married elder sister that picked me from the airport) not to tell any of my cousins I was around. So I am sitting there watching the noon news and in pops one of my cousins. He sat the entire evening, being fed and supplied with my BIL's alcoholic beverages, courtesy of my small sister (I do not drink). Later on when he decides to leave, he suddenly does not have fare. I have to pay. Additionally, he wants pocket money before he leaves. My sister later admitted to telling him that I was around. He then went and told the rest of my cousins and my phone never got a break. Later, my small sister's friend keeps insisting I go out, that she has missed me. It had to be in these upcoming upscale bars that charge a leg and and arm for substandard stuff because they are the "new thing in Kenya that everyone wants to associate with." Funny enough, they are just the standard American bars that people drink while playing board games. However, since they are new in Kenya and with some fancy design, we have to pay massively to use them.

 

Next day I go to town to visit my old workplace. Suddenly, I have to buy them lunch BUT at the upscale restaurant they've always wanted to go to. Nonetheless, I gladly do. Then my old employer wants me to furnish him with $3000 for business. Yes, you read that right. He put me in his car in an underground garage and gave me an hour's run down of this business he wanted to venture in. I had to come up with a good excuse out of this. 

 

I then leave and go to the next town to visit my mom (right before she moved to the US). This is the town where 70% of my extended family is at and so was my childhood. Suddenly:

1. She is broke
2. My neighbors got wind that I am around, courtesy of my mom
3. My aunties appear - my mom had told them and said it is "bad manners not to tell them I am around"
4. She cannot use public transport. We had to hire a cab which had to pick her right from the doorstep, not even the gate, doorstep. 

Few days later, we are going to the village to visit my dad. Again, my mom cannot use public transport. She wants a cab. The village is far away from this city (1 hour away from the nearest town but 7 hours away from where we currently are). She wants the cab for this 7 to 8 hours drive and me to foot the bill. We look for one but end up not getting any as it was a weekend. So we go with the upscale public transport. 

 

Our first public transport only goes 90% of the journey. We have to jump on another to finish the trip. My mom had already organized a cab. The guy picks us up for the remaining 1 hour journey to the village. We get there, my mom does not want to alight at the gate. The guy had to drop her off at the doorstep. Villagers mill around and come to help us carry our shopping into the house. I do not recall carrying anything into the house. The villagers had carried everything within a minute of us getting here.

 

Next day, the cab comes back to take us one hour drive deep in the village to look at some investment. We get there, but the remaining (2 mins by car, 10 mins one way by foot) drive is rocky and unattainable for the low car. My dad walks me out of the cab and we walk to the site. Unbeknownst to me, he was only surveying the route because when we got to the site, he told us to head back and now come back with the car as he had seen a possible route🤦‍♂️. So we had to walk back (10mins), get the car and make the GRAND entrance at the site. The cab had to also be parked strategically at the site. Then the villagers came. We had to part with $$ so as to make him not look bad, courtesy of the status they have created in the village. 

 

Surprisingly, when I left the US for vacation, I only wore flip flops under my feet. They proved convenient at airport security check points. When I landed in Kenya, they looked at me surprised as if we walk on air in America and not flip flops.  

 

I cannot, even

I hope my story is hilarious.

And by the way, this is all true

 

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Timona

[Bob in Boston 698]

24 minutes ago, Timona said:

I cannot, even

I hope my story is hilarious.

And by the way, this is all true

Lets keep these stories going. It helps with my struggle and gives me ideas with how to deal with it. I'm afraid this is a burden we all have a share of.

[kris&me 572]

I think from reading your post that you are starting to resent this .  Maybe more than your husband

many countries think Americans are rich.   just plain rich and have no idea how hard we work and how expensive it is to live here

talk to your husband and decide with him how to cut down on what you do to help back home

My in laws are quite well off so i don't have an issue

but i see many who go to Good Will and send clothes every month home and to mail boxes out of the US is costly.  

and send money for everthing

cut out some of the lesser relatives and how much you send

if they get angry and stop talking to you,  they never were that close and  are just using you.  No one deserves to be used 

Edited December 16, 2020 by kris&me

[Jer1234 65]

3 hours ago, boris64 said:

You sound like my wife)) The cold goes straight to her bones. She says to me that I should cancel winter)))

It's my 2nd winter in Pennsylvania 😂

[Genski92 93]

31 minutes ago, kris&me said:

I think from reading your post that you are starting to resent this .  Maybe more than your husband

many countries think Americans are rich.   just plain rich and have no idea how hard we work and how expensive it is to live here

talk to your husband and decide with him how to cut down on what you do to help back home

My in laws are quite well off so i don't have an issue

but i see many who go to Good Will and send clothes every month home and to mail boxes out of the US is costly.  

and send money for everthing

cut out some of the lesser relatives and how much you send

if they get angry and stop talking to you,  they never were that close and  are just using you.  No one deserves to be used 

Exactly!! 

[B_J 2,752]

This is a great topic that can be helpful to a lot of people now and in the future.

 

We send money each month to take care of her mother.  That is our number one priority.   

 

We also send extra money that has a purpose.  We sent her brother to college so that, in the future, he will be the one to help his family.  We've helped in other things (jobs, houses) so that their lives are better and eventually they won't need us anymore.  

 

We send a lot, but we've never been taken advantage of and that's really important.  If you're helping your family then it is also important that they know you need to be able to save.  If an emergency happens, you need to have enough saved up to help them.  You can't do that if you're already sending back everything you make.

 

That would be my advice.  Send money to help them become independent.  Don't let anyone take advantage of your generosity.  Make sure to save for emergencies.  This will help you as well as them.