Petitioner considering divorce before ROC...now what?

[Moon&Stars 172]

I never thought I would be back here writing a post like this. But I'm coming to recognize and accept that my husband is emotionally abusive (but not physically). Sorry, this is going to be long... When he first arrived in March 2019 I happened to come across some dating websites on his phone when I was helping him with something. After a big argument, he said he didn't really go on them and he wouldn't do it again. We got married in April 2019. The greencard was approved in November 2019 with lots of documentation and already co-mingling of finances, etc. Over the course of our marriage I've come across dating websites from time to time (he's technologically challenged and often has me help him with things without realizing what I will see). This most recent fight he laid into me because he was home for a month and when he returned he was angry I had gained a little weight (stupid Thanksgiving!). Defending myself here - I've lost weight since we've been married, so yes, I gained a bit back while he was gone, but I'm still smaller than when we met or married. In the tirade of insults he also said that he had every right to go on dating sites because of my weight. I also had a miscarriage this summer and he threw that in my face as well. (I won't go into all the examples of the type of emotional abuse, but let's just say that it's classic verbal abuse with a lot of stonewalling & silent treatment thrown in). He was gone all day today and after days of giving me the cold shoulder, I tried to confront him when he came home. It was like he was a different person. He swore at me (he doesn't like swearing) behaved like a child and refused to talk, and added more insults. I took his phone which he didn't even notice. I found texts that he had tried to meet up with some woman that he had started messaging in August but she didn't want it because of no contact since then. But he found some other woman and went to her place, he spent the day there and bought a bottle wine on our credit card. On top of that one of the messages between them is about her getting weed (I'm a bit of a prude here, I admit).

 

So now here I am, feeling financially trapped. I want to kick this man out of the apartment. But I feel stuck because of my financial responsibility through the greencard. He doesn't have anywhere to go. He has a job but ALL our finances are mingled - joint bank account, credit cards under my name, driving the car that is registered to me, etc. Plus COVID - where does one go in this mess!

 

I really do love him. But I can't continue with the rollercoaster of how he treats me. I think he (or we) need counseling and I think that's the only way I would be willing to continue in the marriage, but he refuses. While it breaks my heart to say this, I think I need to walk away. So what do I do? How do I do this with the whole financial requirements? How do I untangle this mess? I'm hurt, angry and not sure how many chances to give this man. Do I need a lawyer? Does he get deported? I don't know any of this stuff and I have no idea where to turn. I'm so ashamed, I fought my family so much for this relationship and now this.

[Boiler 45,558]

You need a Divorce Lawyer

 

He can remove conditions with a divorce waiver.

[PaulaCJohnny 713]

19 minutes ago, Moon&Stars said:

 

I really, really sorry for your situation.

 

Your weight is not the problem and will never be!

Sorry to be realistic but this person is a scammer! Counseling will not fix it up.

Get a lawyer, file for divorce and let him deal with the rest. 

And please don't tell him your plans until you get everything ready.

 

The is a abusive person and sounds really narcissist. Be careful! Let your friends and family know about your situation,  transfer your money to some family account. Protect yourself!! 

 

I hope you can get of this soon and find peace again!

[TBoneTX 45,329]

First, get some ideas here (and on similar sites):

https://www.survivedivorce.com/divorce-laws-in-pennsylvania

Then, absolutely talk with lawyers (plural -- do NOT retain the first one).

Prepare inventory lists of what was your separate property before you married him.

Gather financial records to prove what you had before you married him.

50 minutes ago, Moon&Stars said:

I also had a miscarriage this summer and he threw that in my face

Equally important is that you document all instances of cruelty that you can remember.

Reconstruct past occurrences, and keep a timely logbook of current and future ones.

Keep each of them firmly in mind, telling yourself, "He's not marriage material."

54 minutes ago, Moon&Stars said:

I really do love him.

Trust that you're in love with what you wish(ed) could have been, because the reality is that he's not reciprocating love -- and he has made it continuously clear that he never intends to.

 

Keep your focus on your future freedom -- which, when you achieve it, will make you feel like a million bucks.

[R&OC 371]

8 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

First, get some ideas here (and on similar sites):

https://www.survivedivorce.com/divorce-laws-in-pennsylvania

Then, absolutely talk with lawyers (plural -- do NOT retain the first one).

Prepare inventory lists of what was your separate property before you married him.

Gather financial records to prove what you had before you married him.

Equally important is that you document all instances of cruelty that you can remember.

Reconstruct past occurrences, and keep a timely logbook of current and future ones.

Keep each of them firmly in mind, telling yourself, "He's not marriage material."

Trust that you're in love with what you wish(ed) could have been, because the reality is that he's not reciprocating love -- and he has made it continuously clear that he never intends to.

 

Keep your focus on your future freedom -- which, when you achieve it, will make you feel like a million bucks.

I thought this is a really helpful response and I would like to add to it: Get your ducks in a row before you confront him with anything. And I repeat, the worst mistake in a separation or divorce is when you get carried away. Take the time now to set up your separate bank account(s), find a new place and move if possible, take him off your insurance if the car was yours before you got married...

[TBoneTX 45,329]

I concur with the above.  As a further addition, consider that you can take almost all funds from your joint accounts (and so can he), probably up until the Original Petition for divorce is filed.  When you set up your separate accounts, move as much money as you can from joint accounts.

 

And remember to remove him from Beneficiary Designations on accounts -- your work insurance, bank accounts, CDs, etc. -- to the extent that their rules or your state laws permit a spouse to be removed from these.

 

If you have estate documents (Will, statutory power of attorney, and all such documents), revise them as the law permits, removing him from control or beneficiary status.  Check with a divorce or estate attorney (some will offer free half-hour initial consultations).  When the divorce is final, have new estate documents (that exclude him) ready to execute (get notarized) the very next day.

 

This can sound overwhelming or scary, but if you plan first and plan best, you'll have the chance to escape without a big hit, and he won't know what hit him.  Find a candid, trustworthy lawyer to talk with.

[Obaa Afia 3]

I agree with everything here. I just want to add. Forget about counseling. He doesn’t want the marriage. He used you for the green card. Plan and get out of this now. marriage is life long.