Husband wont let me work, what can I do?

[DarkSilver 21]

I would lose my mind if I was in either of your situations.  Don’t ignore the potential abuse (since as you said he did this before the job too), but also consider that maybe getting a job before you could drive may have been more than either of you bargained for.  I’m the one who works full time right now and sometimes my husband doesn’t get that I’m too tired to deal with anything after work.  Or course you’re caring for two kids which could be anywhere from peaceful to exhausting and miserable.  It’s time to talk with him about if you’ve both overextended yourselves, how he’s feeling about the situation with the kids, how long you can make it on just his income and your feelings about the job.

[Ontarkie 14,234]

Beside the arguments. I've been in your husbands shoes. Having to wake my kids up and to pick up their father (now ex). Sleeping whinny, cranky,  kids up and brought out in the cold. (not sure where you live) Then having them just fall back asleep just to wake them back up to get them back in the house and into bed. This is horrible and not something I would ever do again. You don't mention what your job is, but if your husband is thinking the same thing I am thinking, changing shifts may not even cover the cost of daycare. Plus with Covid daycares are limited capacity and you run a greater risk of exposure to the kids. 

 

I know you feel like he only asked to leave the older one home because you felt like it was because he's not his child. I'm sorry you feel that way but in your own post you say he has to wake the child and he probably deals with a cranky possibly crying child. This is hard on both of them too. 

 

Examine your income and the cost of daycare if you change shifts. Then do it again with taking an Uber both ways and just one way. See if it is worth it before giving up your job. 

 

Once you do that show him on paper if it is double and discuss it. I agree with counselling as it looks like he lacks communication skills and this may help. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Ontarkie

[TBoneTX 45,329]

On 11/25/2020 at 12:30 PM, Sophie_ said:

1.  I could take an uber home so he wont have to pick me up with the kids

2.  my driving test is in 2 weeks

1.  Do this.

2.  Pass this, on your first try.

 

Do NOT leave children of those ages unattended for even a little while.  Things happen.  Some are relatively inconsequential, some are potential disaster averted, and some end up in the newspapers as tragedies that will haunt the parents for the rest of their lives.

[Babu Frik 1,162]

7 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

1.  Do this.

2.  Pass this, on your first try.

 

Do NOT leave children of those ages unattended for even a little while.  Things happen.  Some are relatively inconsequential, some are potential disaster averted, and some end up in the newspapers as tragedies that will haunt the parents for the rest of their lives.

I see people do this in some other countries without second though and it's always surprising to me.

Here stateside it can easily land you in jail, but I guess in other countries there's no consequence.

 

[Boiler 45,558]

It was not a problem when I was a kid, times change.

[Olusola 26]

Let's start with your need to work.

You've expressed that you're financially dependent on him and he doesn't want you to work. 
There seems to be some power dynamics involved here already so we can't just overlook this. 

It sounds like it's perhaps a better idea to take a break from working or to work from home? Do you not want to be home all day? Do you find yourself wanting breaks? If so there's nothing wrong with this so I'd say be honest with yourself first. 

Secondly, has his abuse been frequent or been long running or are they more recent? You said it's not the first time but how frequent are these incidents? 

Idk this seems trivial. If you're just waiting for your license, I'd suggest you just wait it out for a couple of months. What you can do is get a driving training service on some evenings. They'll pick you up and teach you to drive then you can take your driver's test when ready. 

Something tells me this is more than just about work because work seems trivial. I certainly wouldn't want to be waking up a kid every night or even consider leaving any at home alone. That's insane. 

[Ansbekk 46]

First, we have to know your cultures and your background and where you come from.

If you come from a very conservative country/culture, it would be difficult to convince him.

While it is wrong, it is understandable from his perspective.  If you knew this would happen prior to your marriage, then you have to live with it.

I know a lot of families who do not allow their women to work.  They believe that the men are responsible for financially supporting the family, while women are responsible for rising the children.

Once again, it is wrong to think that way, but if you knew this would happen, then you made your choice when you agreed to marry him and move to the US with him.

 

[daniel_and_lily 45]

I feel like a lot of people here are overreacting. Take a deep breath, and calm yourself down. Figure out what his concerns are and what your concerns are. Fighting is normal in a relationship, and even though it's too much on his end, it's something you need to assert yourself over and not let things go down a bad path. Once you know what both your concerns are, schedule a time, and sit down and talk through it. I'm sure you two love each other, and don't let a few bump in the road derail your own marriage.  If it continues even after trying to have rational discussions, that's a different story, but it doesn't sound like you're there yet.

[lchris 6]

On 11/25/2020 at 6:12 PM, Sophie_ said:

Thank you all for your comments, right now he is not open to do counseling, or to send the kids to the daycare, not even me uber is an option for him...so yeah. I will try to hold on this job for as long as I can, since he agree to keep picking me up till I take my test.

 

On 11/25/2020 at 1:30 PM, Sophie_ said:

Hi folks, I'm writing this post desperate for advice or some encouragement. 

I'm a k1 holder who is already married with my once fiance, I enter mid March and we send AOS in may for me and k2, I got my EAD last month and we are currently waiting for our interview.

We agree months before I would start working part time in the afternoons/nights once I recieve my combo card, he works morning till 4-5pm and since we share 2 kids it made sense this arrangement. I started working 3 weeks ago and since I'm waiting for my drivers license test (I have a permit which wont allow me to drive alone)he need to pick me up with the kids, yesterday night he told me he was tired of pick me up which I understand is late at night (10pm-11pm) but the complaint was more about how he was tired of waking up our oldest (6 years old) cause it was too hard and that we should leave him at home sleeping while he pick me up with our youngest (almost 2year old) I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of leaving him alone at home even tho he is sleeping and my job is fairly close home and that I could take an uber home so he wont have to pick me up with the kids,he keep insisting and I just started feeling some kind of way since our oldest is not biological his. Long story short I said I did not feel comfortable with leaving home alone and I didn't want to talk about the topic in that moment and he just started yelling at me an cussing me out in front our children, which sadly is not the first time, this continued thru the parking lot and even inside home when I was trying to put the kids in their beds, just yelling and cussing mocking me and how the work was done that there was no more work for me and that was it. 

If you read this far, thank you, now the question is, what do I do? I am financially dependent on him I dont know anybody in the CA but his family members and before you tell me to go back to my home country we share a child together I can not take our kid out of the country without his permission, I was just barely starting to work my driving test is in 2 weeks, my work shift starts in the afternoon and I dont know what to do cause he is working and wont talk to me, am I wrong for not waiting to leave my 6 year old at home alone? Am overreacting? 

I feel desperate, and deeply hurt. Any advice would be appreciated.

You should record everytime he is verbally abusive to you (if that's legal in your state). It's ridiculous how he won't go to therapy... That's a really bad sign. Contact a legal person and get help right now. It's only going to get worse and you need to leave. 

[Sarge2155 4,587]

On 11/27/2020 at 9:40 AM, Boiler said:

It was not a problem when I was a kid, times change.

Careful Boiler  you are showing your age, but I hear you it was not a problem for me either. We dared not mess up less we receive mama's wrath!  😂😂😂😂

Edited November 30, 2020 by Sarge2155

[SneauxsMom 0]

On 11/25/2020 at 6:30 PM, Sophie_ said:

Hi folks, I'm writing this post desperate for advice or some encouragement. 

I'm a k1 holder who is already married with my once fiance, I enter mid March and we send AOS in may for me and k2, I got my EAD last month and we are currently waiting for our interview.

We agree months before I would start working part time in the afternoons/nights once I recieve my combo card, he works morning till 4-5pm and since we share 2 kids it made sense this arrangement. I started working 3 weeks ago and since I'm waiting for my drivers license test (I have a permit which wont allow me to drive alone)he need to pick me up with the kids, yesterday night he told me he was tired of pick me up which I understand is late at night (10pm-11pm) but the complaint was more about how he was tired of waking up our oldest (6 years old) cause it was too hard and that we should leave him at home sleeping while he pick me up with our youngest (almost 2year old) I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of leaving him alone at home even tho he is sleeping and my job is fairly close home and that I could take an uber home so he wont have to pick me up with the kids,he keep insisting and I just started feeling some kind of way since our oldest is not biological his. Long story short I said I did not feel comfortable with leaving home alone and I didn't want to talk about the topic in that moment and he just started yelling at me an cussing me out in front our children, which sadly is not the first time, this continued thru the parking lot and even inside home when I was trying to put the kids in their beds, just yelling and cussing mocking me and how the work was done that there was no more work for me and that was it. 

If you read this far, thank you, now the question is, what do I do? I am financially dependent on him I dont know anybody in the CA but his family members and before you tell me to go back to my home country we share a child together I can not take our kid out of the country without his permission, I was just barely starting to work my driving test is in 2 weeks, my work shift starts in the afternoon and I dont know what to do cause he is working and wont talk to me, am I wrong for not waiting to leave my 6 year old at home alone? Am overreacting? 

I feel desperate, and deeply hurt. Any advice would be appreciated.

I have nothing substantial to add ti this, except, i am so sorry you are living through this. I wish you all the best. 

Counsellimg is needed.. xx

[Meli022 39]

Can you take an Uber until you pass your test in two weeks? I'm sure you're both frustrated in this situation but he shouldn't be screaming at you over it. It's not even that big of a deal and there is an easy solution with Uber. He needs to chill out. Sorry you're going through this. Good luck!

[Blackbeekeeper 12]

On 11/25/2020 at 1:30 PM, Sophie_ said:

Hi folks, I'm writing this post desperate for advice or some encouragement. 

I'm a k1 holder who is already married with my once fiance, I enter mid March and we send AOS in may for me and k2, I got my EAD last month and we are currently waiting for our interview.

We agree months before I would start working part time in the afternoons/nights once I recieve my combo card, he works morning till 4-5pm and since we share 2 kids it made sense this arrangement. I started working 3 weeks ago and since I'm waiting for my drivers license test (I have a permit which wont allow me to drive alone)he need to pick me up with the kids, yesterday night he told me he was tired of pick me up which I understand is late at night (10pm-11pm) but the complaint was more about how he was tired of waking up our oldest (6 years old) cause it was too hard and that we should leave him at home sleeping while he pick me up with our youngest (almost 2year old) I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of leaving him alone at home even tho he is sleeping and my job is fairly close home and that I could take an uber home so he wont have to pick me up with the kids,he keep insisting and I just started feeling some kind of way since our oldest is not biological his. Long story short I said I did not feel comfortable with leaving home alone and I didn't want to talk about the topic in that moment and he just started yelling at me an cussing me out in front our children, which sadly is not the first time, this continued thru the parking lot and even inside home when I was trying to put the kids in their beds, just yelling and cussing mocking me and how the work was done that there was no more work for me and that was it. 

If you read this far, thank you, now the question is, what do I do? I am financially dependent on him I dont know anybody in the CA but his family members and before you tell me to go back to my home country we share a child together I can not take our kid out of the country without his permission, I was just barely starting to work my driving test is in 2 weeks, my work shift starts in the afternoon and I dont know what to do cause he is working and wont talk to me, am I wrong for not waiting to leave my 6 year old at home alone? Am overreacting? 

I feel desperate, and deeply hurt. Any advice would be appreciated.

This is a tricky situation. Your suggestion about the Uber seemed to be a good idea it’s a shame that he is not agreeing to it

[TBoneTX 45,329]

An overly judgmental post has been removed.

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The OP hasn't logged on since Wednesday evening.

[seekingthetruth 1,246]

On 11/30/2020 at 10:15 AM, daniel_and_lily said:

I feel like a lot of people here are overreacting. Take a deep breath, and calm yourself down. Figure out what his concerns are and what your concerns are. Fighting is normal in a relationship, and even though it's too much on his end, it's something you need to assert yourself over and not let things go down a bad path. Once you know what both your concerns are, schedule a time, and sit down and talk through it. I'm sure you two love each other, and don't let a few bump in the road derail your own marriage.  If it continues even after trying to have rational discussions, that's a different story, but it doesn't sound like you're there yet.

I agree.

 

One thing I noticed in this topic was how some are so quick to cry out "abuse" and seem to suggest there is a dead end here.  We only have one side of the story and the suggestion of "verbal abuse" is going out out on a limb at this time.  Their situation is bad.  I can see how tired they must be and when people are exhausted, tempers flare, words are said, and many are regretted later.

 

I don't condone abuse, especially physical, but I hope they can work on their issues, and solve them.  Remember, kids are involved, and kids suffer greatly when couples split.  Of course, sometimes it has to be that way, but in some cultures, it has become the easy way out, and that is sad.  Around 50% divorce rate in the U.S.A. now, and society suffers.  It is so quick and easy.

 

I live in the Philippines, and divorce is not legal.  I don't agree with that, but I do agree that it makes couples work harder to solve problems, even if only for the sake of the kids.  There is no quick and easy way out.

 

Life is a roller coaster!  Hang on for the ride!