Husband wont let me work, what can I do?

[Sophie_ 0]

Hi folks, I'm writing this post desperate for advice or some encouragement. 

I'm a k1 holder who is already married with my once fiance, I enter mid March and we send AOS in may for me and k2, I got my EAD last month and we are currently waiting for our interview.

We agree months before I would start working part time in the afternoons/nights once I recieve my combo card, he works morning till 4-5pm and since we share 2 kids it made sense this arrangement. I started working 3 weeks ago and since I'm waiting for my drivers license test (I have a permit which wont allow me to drive alone)he need to pick me up with the kids, yesterday night he told me he was tired of pick me up which I understand is late at night (10pm-11pm) but the complaint was more about how he was tired of waking up our oldest (6 years old) cause it was too hard and that we should leave him at home sleeping while he pick me up with our youngest (almost 2year old) I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of leaving him alone at home even tho he is sleeping and my job is fairly close home and that I could take an uber home so he wont have to pick me up with the kids,he keep insisting and I just started feeling some kind of way since our oldest is not biological his. Long story short I said I did not feel comfortable with leaving home alone and I didn't want to talk about the topic in that moment and he just started yelling at me an cussing me out in front our children, which sadly is not the first time, this continued thru the parking lot and even inside home when I was trying to put the kids in their beds, just yelling and cussing mocking me and how the work was done that there was no more work for me and that was it. 

If you read this far, thank you, now the question is, what do I do? I am financially dependent on him I dont know anybody in the CA but his family members and before you tell me to go back to my home country we share a child together I can not take our kid out of the country without his permission, I was just barely starting to work my driving test is in 2 weeks, my work shift starts in the afternoon and I dont know what to do cause he is working and wont talk to me, am I wrong for not waiting to leave my 6 year old at home alone? Am overreacting? 

I feel desperate, and deeply hurt. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Crazy Cat 41,903]

Family counselor.

[mushroomspore 3,044]

24 minutes ago, Sophie_ said:

Hi folks, I'm writing this post desperate for advice or some encouragement. 

I'm a k1 holder who is already married with my once fiance, I enter mid March and we send AOS in may for me and k2, I got my EAD last month and we are currently waiting for our interview.

We agree months before I would start working part time in the afternoons/nights once I recieve my combo card, he works morning till 4-5pm and since we share 2 kids it made sense this arrangement. I started working 3 weeks ago and since I'm waiting for my drivers license test (I have a permit which wont allow me to drive alone)he need to pick me up with the kids, yesterday night he told me he was tired of pick me up which I understand is late at night (10pm-11pm) but the complaint was more about how he was tired of waking up our oldest (6 years old) cause it was too hard and that we should leave him at home sleeping while he pick me up with our youngest (almost 2year old) I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of leaving him alone at home even tho he is sleeping and my job is fairly close home and that I could take an uber home so he wont have to pick me up with the kids,he keep insisting and I just started feeling some kind of way since our oldest is not biological his. Long story short I said I did not feel comfortable with leaving home alone and I didn't want to talk about the topic in that moment and he just started yelling at me an cussing me out in front our children, which sadly is not the first time, this continued thru the parking lot and even inside home when I was trying to put the kids in their beds, just yelling and cussing mocking me and how the work was done that there was no more work for me and that was it. 

If you read this far, thank you, now the question is, what do I do? I am financially dependent on him I dont know anybody in the CA but his family members and before you tell me to go back to my home country we share a child together I can not take our kid out of the country without his permission, I was just barely starting to work my driving test is in 2 weeks, my work shift starts in the afternoon and I dont know what to do cause he is working and wont talk to me, am I wrong for not waiting to leave my 6 year old at home alone? Am overreacting? 

I feel desperate, and deeply hurt. Any advice would be appreciated.

This isn't really an immigration issue, but nonetheless, I will give Unfortunately your husband is being extremely toxic and abusive. I would also strongly recommend documenting his abuse somehow (record him, write down dates/times/events of his abuse, etc) and to seek a lawyer if possible. Additionally, at minimum, make and keep photocopies of all your immigration-related paperwork. If you can keep the originals somewhere safe, that's even better. I hate to say this, but it sounds like your marriage is headed down a bad road and you need to start protecting yourself and your kids however way you can. Keep working and hold onto your job because you need to have your own money coming in. Open a separate bank account if you have to. Google "domestic violence/abuse support centers" for your local area and seek out their resources. They will recommend counselors, lawyers, etc.

[Pinkrlion 2,724]

I would suggest finding a day job and then putting children in daycare.  Otherwise, look for work at home jobs.  He is stressed out due to working all day and then as a husband dealing with very young children alone.  Men are not smart when dealing with children.  We are Mama Bears.  It is not easy during COVID times.  

 

You can Google work at home jobs  

Edited November 25, 2020 by Pinkrlion

[mushroomspore 3,044]

1 hour ago, Pinkrlion said:

I would suggest finding a day job and then putting children in daycare.  Otherwise, look for work at home jobs.  He is stressed out due to working all day and then as a husband dealing with very young children alone.  Men are not smart when dealing with children.  We are Mama Bears.  It is not easy during COVID times.  

 

You can Google work at home jobs  

Being "stressed out" is not an excuse to verbally abuse your spouse in front of your children. And a mature man knows how to respectfully handle his children and to ask if he's unsure of something. I'm a woman and have practically no maternal instincts whereas my husband has changed his siblings' diapers when he was a teen and they were infants. He knows more about child-rearing than I do. This isn't about gender. It's about just common decency and not being abusive.

Edited November 25, 2020 by mushroomspore

[Boiler 45,558]

Uber

[Sophie_ 0]

Thank you all for your comments, right now he is not open to do counseling, or to send the kids to the daycare, not even me uber is an option for him...so yeah. I will try to hold on this job for as long as I can, since he agree to keep picking me up till I take my test.

[SunflowerSweet 1,321]

4 hours ago, Pinkrlion said:

I would suggest finding a day job and then putting children in daycare.  Otherwise, look for work at home jobs.  He is stressed out due to working all day and then as a husband dealing with very young children alone.  Men are not smart when dealing with children.  We are Mama Bears.  It is not easy during COVID times.  

 

You can Google work at home jobs  

She shouldn’t have to find a new job just because her husband can’t handle the responsibility of working and also caring for his children. It sounds like they had an agreement about work schedules and he is the one not following through. She is trying to find acceptable work arounds for needing to be picked up (like uber). Yes times are stressful for everyone because of Covid, but multiple, extended instances of verbal abuse and profanity towards your partner are not excused by that. 

 

There are plenty of men who are wonderful fathers and that are more than capable of looking after their children. Please don’t act like that’s abnormal.

 

OP, I would recommend counseling for your relationship as well as his anger issues ONLY IF you would like to work on the marriage and still feel safe. You mention being financially reliant on him, but please make sure that you prioritize your safety and well-being as well.
 

Many large and even median-size cities over worker pools if you need transportation to and from employment. Are there any bus lines around where you are? I know the idea of public transportation doesn’t sound like the best idea in the middle of a pandemic, but busing services in my area have really stepped up and put policies in place to help keep riders safe.

Edited November 25, 2020 by MorganandMichael

[mushroomspore 3,044]

4 minutes ago, Sophie_ said:

Thank you all for your comments, right now he is not open to do counseling, or to send the kids to the daycare, not even me uber is an option for him...so yeah. I will try to hold on this job for as long as I can, since he agree to keep picking me up till I take my test.

Yeah, abusers don't usually want to go to counseling. Even if they did, it's not advisable because they generally lie to and manipulate the counselor to further gaslight you. Your best plan of action is to document his abuse, save up your own money in private and eventually get a lawyer because this marriage is not sustainable.

[igoyougoduke 1,656]

well you need to figure out if your need to work is more important than keeping your family together.

[SteveInBostonI130 3,463]

I also suggest family counseling. 

 

For those passing judgement on the husband...please bear in mind that we have one side of the story.  Up until the part about waking/not waking the 5 year old, it seems, even from the OP's side of the story, that both the husband and wife seemed to be doing ok .. both sharing burdens.

 

Perhaps the guy is a jerk.  Or perhaps his side of the story will shed a different light.  For now, there is some friction in their relationship and seeking a counselor is much better than asking a bunch of strangers in an immigration forum.

 

 

[Dashinka 24,519]

1 hour ago, Boiler said:

Uber

I was thinking bicycle as the OP said the workplace was close.

[Daisy.Chain 317]

I hope once things calm down you can see a marriage counselor.

 

In the meantime - how fast can you get your driver's license?

 

You may have to decide between the job and a happy family. What is more important to you - how can you edify your home and family best?

 

I agree with the husband about leaving the kid sleeping for a few minutes, but you know your area and kid! It's something you'll have to decide together.

 

Uber, or maybe a bicycle? Do you get off at the same time as a co-worker who could take you home and you pay them for gas?

[carmel34 3,635]

2 hours ago, Sophie_ said:

not even me uber is an option for him

This just seems strange.  I took my husband to work and picked him up every day for two months until he got his driver's license, and on the days I couldn't do it because of my job, he took Uber to or from work.  It's a good temporary solution, I strongly suggest it.  And if your work is not too far from home, it doesn't cost that much anyway.  Good luck!

[Scandi 4,166]

I took the bus the first two years in the US. Wasn't an issue at all.