Very long but very funny!!

[liam4lisa 0]

[b]Declaration from Her Majesty's Government

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to

govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,

effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume mona! rchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America

without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be

disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether

any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look

up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at

just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be

reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will

learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be

replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels

(look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with

filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form

of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft

know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account

of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen."

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that

you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by

adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone

or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a

vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are ####### and this is for your own

good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense

of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling

gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are

not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly

called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dress! ed

not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at

all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and

European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as

Lager.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that

all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings

and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a

cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper

football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be

allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but

doe! s not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full

kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the World Series for a game which is hardly played outside of

America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,

your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government

will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due

(backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

> (signed), ER[/b]

[almaty 19]

i like that...espeically american beers..it is watered down deer piss

[arwensun1965 0]

[charmac7 4]

This is priceless....being Canadian I still use my u's

know metric....and how to drive in a round-about ( we call them traffic circles)

Char

[Jenn! 918]

Ha! Don't we wish!

[Garfield fan 0]

I like the ideas about the metric system and driving on the left side. Oh, and also the car things. Not sure if I'm fancy the gasoline price though

[Sister Fracas 5]

And in response... (the items don't always match up because there are so many versions of this AND so many versions of the responses) hehehe

SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted #######. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. — Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Edited March 29, 2006 by Frances

[rejane 1]

[almaty 19]

sister fraces...you rawks...........

[rclouse 0]

P.S. — Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Would you like to know where you'd be, without us, the old U.S. of A., to protect you? I'll tell you: THE SMALLEST FSCKING PROVINCE IN THE RUSSIAN EMPIRE, that's what!

[Jasman0717 9]

i like that...espeically american beers..it is watered down deer piss

I might have to agree there except for the Big E that is made especially for the Elephant Bars

[gwenneh 7]

Since my husband posted the first one in his blog long ago, I have to steal and post the second one now!

[eau_xplain 2]

[almaty 19]

i like that...espeically american beers..it is watered down deer piss

I might have to agree there except for the Big E that is made especially for the Elephant Bars

spoken like a true beer drinker