my marriage is falling apart

[ocd 0]

Wow, I really don't think Yodrak was insulting you or your writing skills. I thought the post was meant to defend you on marrying soley for a greencard by saying you were upset and couldn't fully put what you felt into words. No need to question how others are contributing to the world.

I hope things work out with your husband. Have you tried contacting him since he left?

i didn't question how others are contributing. it was a statement of hope. i hope "you", meaning everybody, is trying.

what part of being high school sweethearts do people not understand? what part of a 6-year relationship indicate that he married me "SOLELY" for a greencard? oh btw, he asked me to marry him.

we dated 3 years and have been married for 3. we lived together for the past 3 years as a married couple.

we didn't have 100 grand saved up but rushing a bit is a mutual choice.

if rushing marriage is agaisnt the law, then perhaps all las vegas chapels should be abolished.\

i've talked him since last week, but we are all talking, not hearing.

i'm going to see him in a week or two, but i think he's running away from me or running towards someone else.

perhaps he's gay.

[Clarky and Tarah 0]

I wasn't implying you were marrying soley for your greencard, I was simply mentioning that Yodrak was trying to stop people from jumping on you because that is what some people could draw from your post. High school sweethearts and six year relationships doesn't seem like rushing to me. I'm getting married and am no where near the level I want to eventually be, and neither is he. Like you guys, we are going to try to reach that point together.

Even if he is gay or running from you for some reason, I you deserve some sort of explanation. Hopefully when the two of you get together you will be able to at least find out what is going on with him.

[Peggy 1]

Sorry to hear this.

Good luck

[britty 1]

On another note, pure romantic love is total b.s anyways. It is a completely western concept to begin with. It is also invented within the last several centuries, a short period relative to human history.

Im sorry to hear that your relationship hasnt worked out as you had hoped. Love does exist and some of us have been lucky enough to find the love of our lives. Im not convinced that true love is a western concept that has been "invented" over the last few centuries however but each to their own.

[Bobbie 1]

TO the writer,

I understand...you think you are in one place and someone changes the scenery. Im so sorry to hear about this for you. It is a painful thing you are going through. I am sure he is going through pain too, but he didn't write, so I guess I am not so concerned with him. It is tough, and you are going to do some crying, and some sobbing, just let it out. It isn't the end of the world, can feel like it, but it isn't. You know how things could end in this story....don't beat yourself up, hopefully if he is gay, he will allow him self forgiveness also. I don't see how you have done anything wrong with the gc. I agree about romantic love, it happens, it fades, it happens and it fades, and that can be all in the same week!

Life is hard, and sometimes it really really blows. But, we preserver, go on. Stay your course, point the compass to true north and don't let the winds of change move your sails. But, if they do, tack, turn around, and keep going.

Success to you,

Bobbie

[wjr 3]

It wasn't the only reason, but counted about 10%.

I wasn't a bride shipped from a mystic land.

We went to the same middle school, same high school, and the same college.

We were high school sweethearts and I thought he was cute when I was 13 years old.

Are we romantic enough yet?

Yes, not all the pieces were there when we got married. We didn't have a downpayment, or our college degrees yet, or a law degree, or a MD, but I thought we could make those things together.

On another note, pure romantic love is total b.s anyways. It is a completely western concept to begin with. It is also invented within the last several centuries, a short period relative to human history.

People get married for different reasons. There are golddiggers, hopless romantics, practical partners, and many who are just comfortable together. Our society deems those marriages based on nothing but romantic love as the most desirable type. We all want fake love. The kind of fake love that is portrayed in the media: Sid and Nancy, John Cusack, Sex and the City...They are fake. (Referenc to book: Sex, drugs and coco puffs)

I love him and I am still committed to him. I did need a greencard as well.

I am just venting and I am deeply concerned with his sudden change of attitude in the recent month.

This is not targeted at you in particular. It is just we've been with each other for a long time. We have grown stronger together. Having the whole thing falling into shambles is making me despair.

\

True, but still in my eyes not a reason to marry

VERY INTELLIGENT RESPONSE...... I applaud you for sticking up for yourself and not backing down, like many I have seen do in the past!!!!!! People, no society is very judgemental, I have been at fault for this at one point and time in my life also, but I have grown a bit more and try to keep in mind that I am not living this person's life. If you just want to vent more or need someone to talk to PM me. I will keep you in my prayers to help you sort this out. WJR

[wjr 3]

I don't write particularily well.

However, drawing a direct relationship between one's literary ability with one's cognitive ability is a fallacy.

Anybody who fails to compose proper English essay are deemed incompetent in literacy, perhaps intelligence by relation? This perception is a precise demonstration of ethnocentrism. How about rest of the world beyond the English speaking population?

I am making an assumption that you are equating "literacy" with "intelligence" here. Perhaps my assumption is erroneous. I apologize if it is.

Freaking out while writing something does not help either.

I tend to write on this board when I am freaking out about.. something.

Really, don't worry so much about my academic life.

I graduated from a very good university sum cum laude.

I am doing what I can to be helpful to this world. I hope you do your part too.

But a bit worrying for someone who seems to be in the Medical field.

Given the level of literacy demonstrated in ocd's post I would not trust a literal interpretation of what she has written. VJ is full of posts by very literate people who nevertheless find it difficult write words that accurately describe what they are thinking.

Yodrak

True, but still in my eyes not a reason to marry

Atleast she admitted to "needing" the greencard, most wont be that bluntly honest

"we are really young but i really needed a green card when we were 21 we took a leap"

Wow great reason to marry.

I have to say you are one of a kind!!!!!! I love this, WJR

[William33 110]

we've had a lot of good times in the past 3 years plus the 3 years we dated.

we are really young but i really needed a green card when we were 21 we took a leap.

i've lived in america for ten plus years and we met when we were preteens.. PRETEENS.

i'm so angry that he has trouble finishing college while scored 1430 on the SAT. why can't he do something productive beyond being emo.

i thought he had ambition and potential.. he is so smart, but has no guts.. oh god.. i'm really wondering if i was totally wrong.

he insists on moving to another state on a whim, cutting college, just to "do something else", while i must stay and complete my premed requirements, work at a job that i tried so hard to get, at a top ranked national university based medical center. i have these research projects that could potentially be published. i just can't understand why does he HAVE to move to another state. why can't he just stick around another 2 years and finish up his bachelors, i'll be done with mcat, then we can move together. i was trying so hard to do so well so i have choices when it comes to med school, so i can have a choice close to where he wants to live...

we don't have the kind of money to pay for outta state tuition else where anyways....

i filed for lifting my conditional residency last week, but he actually moved away by himself and got a new job the same week, i didn't even get our bank statement from the account that was mostly used by him this week.. it usually comes at this time.... i can't believe it. he changed his mailing address without telling me....

he runs away from everything!!

i also began to question his sexual orientation shortly ago.....

this whole thing is so miserable right now. i have to think about it about every hour at least once...

At the end of the day, you need to make your own decision. This is not a current immigration issue, rather a personal relationship choice. Resulting in an immigration issue, if decided in the positive.

Is it right for you, or not? Your choice.

Best of luck to you.

Edited June 27, 2007 by William33

[Yodrak 7]

I did not intend to insult ocd. I did intend to question whether or not ocd really meant that she "needed" to get the green card as she wrote. People were taking the word literally, but experience shows that what people write is often not an accurate representation of what they are thinking.

Most people's literacy leaves something to be desired, including my own, and it isn't an insult to someone to point out that a piece of writing is weak in order to caution a reader that they must be careful when interpreting the person's words. It would be an insult if I were questioning ocd's intelligence, or something of that nature, but that was not my point at all

Yodrak

Wow, I really don't think Yodrak was insulting you or your writing skills. I thought the post was meant to defend you on marrying soley for a greencard by saying you were upset and couldn't fully put what you felt into words. No need to question how others are contributing to the world.

I hope things work out with your husband. Have you tried contacting him since he left?

Edited June 27, 2007 by Yodrak

[Alex+R 0]

Hey, OP. I hope things work out between you guys, and maybe you just need a break to put things in perspective. I know what you meant about the GC--we wouldn't be married if we had the right to live in each other's country either. When you get married really young and before you feel ready, there is always a chance things will completely fall apart after a relatively short period of time. (We also married earlier than we wanted.) Another problem is that men at this age are usually only half-baked (no offense to darling hubby or other young fellows out there) and we ladies kind of have to wait for them to reach our maturity level. It sounds like you really know what you want and he is just confused and not quite on the same page as you right now. Hang in there, and post whenever you need to.

PS I like Chuck Klosterman too.

Edited June 27, 2007 by Alex+R

[sereia 0]

emo guys can definitely raise an eyebrow. ... but on a more serious note, good luck with your decision!

[diadromous mermaid 36]

i filed for lifting my conditional residency last week, but he actually moved away by himself and got a new job the same week, i didn't even get our bank statement from the account that was mostly used by him this week.. it usually comes at this time.... i can't believe it. he changed his mailing address without telling me....

You filed or you both filed and then he moved? If you filed jointly there should not be an immigration issue unless:

1. A divorce is underway before adjudication of the petition

2. He fails to report a change of address as your sponsor

3. You are called to an interview and he fails to show up

4. You don't have sufficient proofs of the bonafides of marriage

5. You are divorced and that divorce is final prior to any decision on the petition to remove conditions

[moelarrycheese 0]

Why don't you do the man a favor and leave him?

[Mel_and_Daniel 1]

I know you are going through a real rough patch, but that doesn't mean things have to end. He might be going through a little what I like to call "pre-life crisis." Maybe he is tired of being tied down and needs a little time on his own. I would just talk to him, maybe set up an appointment with a couple's counselor and hang in there. Ask him what he needs and what he wants in his life and ask him why he decided to move away. Be patient and listen, part of the all talk and not hearing is from both sides not listening, including you not listening. Maybe he has a very valid and important reason for not wanting to stay in one place.

As for not finishing school, well sometimes it's hard to make an actual decision on what you really want to do... it took me over 5 years to get my bachelors degree because I wanted to explore my options, it didn't mean I was unmotivated or unambitious, it just meant that I wasn't ready to move on from college life.

If he is homosexual maybe he's not ready to admit it to himself or anyone else. Just give him time and don't judge him on it, and don't take it personally. I dated someone whom I later found out was homosexual and we are still friends to this day because I dealt with it and accepted him as he was.

I guess I'm not an expert in these things, but the most important thing in any relationship is communication and compromise, and the hardest part of communication is listening. I hope this helps you, if you need anything, just let me know! I have helped many a friend get through tough times...

[marimbamuse 0]

To OCD,

Sorry to hear you have to go through such a hard time. You are a tough girl. So just remember no matter how bumpy the road is - be who you are and make the best out of it - our paths and goals might change but not our destinies.

I hope your GC process would go well (hate to see it fails after all these efforts, expenses and waiting). As for your marriage, put your anxiety and anger away (if it's possible) and try to listen to him - allow him to be who he is. We can't change anybody and we can't live their lives for them. If he can't be a good husband to you, you should move on. If you don't want to support his dreams (or him wanting to explore his dreams), you should set him free. Everything happens for a reason - wait and see!

I have a PhD and my husband didn't even graduate from college. We are happy - he's brilliant at his profession and I love hearing him say "my wife's so smart." We don't make a lot of money but want to see the world through each other's eyes. Would this last forever? I certainly hope for the best and am willing to fight for it.

Communicate with him with a cool head and follow your heart's desire. Be genuine to everything!

sincerely,

marimbamuse