German and American couples

[jundp 191]

Hallo everyone,

I am fairly new to VJ, and I am wondering about the other couples here who are German and American. Not wondering in a nosy way (well, ok, maybe a bit) but more just curious. I am the USC and my fiance is from southern Germany. He is fluent in English and I am...not fluent in German. I can say enough in German to have about a 10 minute conversation, but am desperately trying to learn more. Especially since my son is nearing fluency now (he's been studying it for 2 years). Language hasn't posed a problem for us since he speaks English fluently, but I was wondering if the other couples on here have a similar situation?

I was also curious if there are any customs or traditions that are new or different for the other couples?

Thanks for indulging me

~Jen

[Lilikoi 0]

Hi Jen,

I am from Germany and my husband is USC. I was deported in January and wait now over here that the paper gets approved. I think you will find lots of Germans here... I also have a little daughter, she was born in the US and is now with me. She could not even speak one word german and has catch up so fast. Kids are really life artists.Good luck on your paper.

[Eveline 9]

Jundp: Congratulations, you speak more German than my husband does. He can only say words but cannot have a conversation. There are a lot of Germans in this forum (just check out the 100+++ pages of the "German people...ruehrt euch" Thread in the regional discussion forum. My son can't talk yet (he's only four months old) but I speak only German to him and my husband speaks only ENglish so we're hoping that one fine day, he'll pick up both languages.

[Mrs.J06 4]

Hi Jen,

sounds like your German is pretty good!

My husband speaks German quite good, too, but mostly due to needing it for work, also. He always complains that I don't speak enough German with him. Since I moved here, it feels strange for me to speak German with him - does not make any sense, I know.

We try real hard to speak more German, but as soon as the conversation gets deeper and more complicated, we switch to English.

As to customs and traditions, I guess there are lots of differences in the details. Like - being "engaged" isn't really fashionable in Germany anymore, bridal showers I had never heard of before, and the "Polterabend" wasn't anything my husband had a clue about.

Of course the different holidays are celebrated somewhat differently in the US and Germany, too.

Lots of new experiences for both of us along the way - fun!

Goodluck with your journey!

[jundp 191]

Thanks for the responses!

I have tried desperately to follow the German thread, but I can only recognize some words or phrases and have a hard time putting it all together I would definitely NOT say that my German is good, as much of my conversational skills revolve around love and relationships... hee hee, not something I'll be saying to a lot of people. But I'm working on it. I do quite enjoy saying "Ja, das ist sehr gut!" to pretty much anything, which amuses my German friends to no end

It is amazing how kids pick up language though. My fiance brought me one of those Sheepworld books (Ohne Dich ist Alles Doof) and read it to my daughter and I and then explained it. I catch her reading it out loud in near perfect German occasionally. It's really cute.

I know that the engagement custom is different. And I did agree to wear our wedding rings on the right hand to honor the German tradition of doing so. I'd never heard of Polterbrand either until I did some research on wedding customs.

I'm curious those of you who are already married, did you have a religious ceremony in Germany? We want to do that after we're approved before we have the legal wedding in the US so that his family can be involved. He's the oldest son, and his family is very close, so it makes sense. I know that as long as we don't do the legal ceremony we should be ok, but I do get a bit nervous. I'd hate to do anything to screw up things after we wait (and wait and wait).

~Jen

[Bjumanja 0]

Hello Jen,

As to my understanding, you need to be legally married first in order to have a religious ceremony in Germany. I don't know if there is an option to get around this if you know the pastor and he makes an exception. I think your fiance would have to find that out for you.

What we did: We got married in Germany at the Standesamt, applied for a K3 and then we had a religious wedding in the U.S. on our 1 year anniversary. But for this scenario you would then have to apply for a K3 or the Greencard after you get married. So, it all depends on what you like to do, what is more important (the visa type or where you get married first) and what options are open for you (can there be an exception?).

I don't regret having gone that journey. But others might not like being separated again after marriage (it was not really that long and I was able to slowly finish up all my things in Germany.). For me it was just a couple of months that were added to our long distance relationship at which time it did not really matter anymore.

So, my advice is to find out if a pastor can make an exception.

Good luck,

~Anja

[jundp 191]

Thanks for the infomation, Anja. I will ask my fiance. He seems to think that we can do the religious ceremony it just won't be considered legal since we aren't doing the court house/sign the papers wedding too. I will have to check on that for certain.

[Anna C. 4]

It depends on the church/pastor - if you explain to them the situation most pastors will gladly assist you and marry you, even though it won't be considered a legal marriage in Germany (which is good cause otherwise the K1 would become senseless!).

Direct TV or the other satellite guys, sorry I keep forgetting who, offer 3 or 4 German channels (of course, that costs extra!). Watching tv helps a lot to improve language skills! And maybe the Rosetta Stone German training program could help you (books, CDs, PC software)? It's a pain, but it's probably the way to learn a language properly.

Mu husband speaks German since he studied it at college and spent an exchange year in Munich at my college...

And yes, customs are different - it is kind of uncool to be engaged, I don't know anybody who has an expensive engagement ring, weddings are way smaller and less expensive, but more family-friends-centered and last longer. I was quite shocked when I learned that so many weddings end at 9pm here, everybody is invited even though they hardly know the people (at least in hubbie's family!) and cost between $20,000 - 30,000! You definitely should do the Polterabend, it is so much fun! We will do all that next year, since we married right before my work visa elapsed...

Good luck!

Edited June 26, 2007 by Anna C.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

It depends on the church/pastor - if you explain to them the situation most pastors will gladly assist you and marry you, even though it won't be considered a legal marriage in Germany (which is good cause otherwise the K1 would become senseless!).

Direct TV or the other satellite guys, sorry I keep forgetting who, offer 3 or 4 German channels (of course, that costs extra!). Watching tv helps a lot to improve language skills!

It sure does help. I can't recommend it enough. Though, there is nothing like actually living there for a few years.

My husband and I speak both German and English to each other. More English than German, but we can swing both fine. We are planning on making German our house language when he gets here for everyone's benefit.

Maybe it is not only uncool to be engaged, but just married in general. We are still the only one of our friends in Germany who are married or even vaguely in that territory, although several have already had children.

I have a question. Has anyone tried to make something heavy and dense like sonnenblumenbrot or car window breaking vollkornbrot in a bread machine? I don't even know if it is possible in a US one because I had never seen bread like that before to I went to Germany. I think maybe IKEA has some bread mix in a box that is a close approximation, but I forgot to look and see if it was possible to cook in a bread machine.

[Mrs.J06 4]

I have a question. Has anyone tried to make something heavy and dense like sonnenblumenbrot or car window breaking vollkornbrot in a bread machine? I don't even know if it is possible in a US one because I had never seen bread like that before to I went to Germany. I think maybe IKEA has some bread mix in a box that is a close approximation, but I forgot to look and see if it was possible to cook in a bread machine.

I had to laugh about the window breaking vollkornbrot expression - good one!

I use the bread mix from Aldi in the bread machine - works fine. Never tried IKEA.

And yes, the fact that the engagement ring has to be worth at least two month's salary was new to me, too. We went with the "cheap" version - I'm not a big diamond lover. My husband still can't believe I didn't want a "rock". But we wear them on the left hand, not on the right as in Germany.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I had to laugh about the window breaking vollkornbrot expression - good one!

I use the bread mix from Aldi in the bread machine - works fine. Never tried IKEA.

And yes, the fact that the engagement ring has to be worth at least two month's salary was new to me, too. We went with the "cheap" version - I'm not a big diamond lover. My husband still can't believe I didn't want a "rock". But we wear them on the left hand, not on the right as in Germany.

I'll check out what they have at Aldi. I haven't been to one in the US for years, but there is one about 4 miles from my house. I'll have a look this weekend. Thanks for the suggestion! That kind of dense, strong tasting bread was an aquired taste for me, but now I rather like it. I remember when my husband came here last time. We went to Meijer and he poked all the bread to see if any of it had real crust. Fehlanzeige. I would have been embarassed if I didn't think it was so funny.

I also wear my ring on my left hand. Husband did too until he lost it out on the autobahn one day in a snowball fight in traffic with his friends a few months after we got married. My husband had our rings made by a metalsmith in Oldenburg. I think they were 400 euros for the both of them. All the better they weren't that expensive since he lost his right out the gate.

[jundp 191]

And yes, the fact that the engagement ring has to be worth at least two month's salary was new to me, too. We went with the "cheap" version - I'm not a big diamond lover. My husband still can't believe I didn't want a "rock". But we wear them on the left hand, not on the right as in Germany.

Well, I hate diamonds, for political reasons We've discussed doing rings, but I want a peridot. I never understood the American custom of spending so much money on a wedding or a dress or even a ring. But there are some American customs I want to incorporate (like a maid of honor).

I am going to look for the Rosetta Stone language course. My son is working with me to teach me, but he's not very patient

Oh, and I guess getting married in Germany really is kind of uncool. I doubt we'd get married if it weren't for the need for immigration. I'm surprised he wants to actually

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I never understood the American custom of spending so much money on a wedding or a dress or even a ring.

Dunno. I never put a lot of stock in weddings anyway. Note, you are speaking to a woman who didn't realize until three or four months after her wedding that neither her nor her husband had taken any vows whatsoever at the ceremony. Heh.

Marriage didn't feel any different than what existed between us before. It was more for the family and community than it was for us personally, making public a committment we had made to each other that we made the summer before.

Only thing weird about the Standesamt wedding was all this attention paid to us just signing paperwork. I mean, we have a lot of pictures people took of us just signing this stuff. There was so much oohing and ahing over it. I couldn't be bothered to read what it was really about and neither could my husband. Now we joke whenever the other doesn't want to do something that it was in the "contract" we "foolishly" signed at the Standesamt, so get to work.

My brother uses Rosetta Stone and rather likes it. He says he would recommend it.

[Mrs.J06 4]

I used to poke the bread here, too, when I came last year, and my husband did the I-don't-belong-to-her thing! Now I have accepted the fact that I need to make my own bread to get what I want. Even though I have to admit that sometimes the "take-and-bake" stuff is pretty decent, too.

We only had a civil ceremony here in the US, and a dinner with some friends and family afterwards. We were both married before, and not interested in having a big reception. I have to say that being married feels very different to me, tough, and it's a good feeling. If it wasn't for immigration, we probably wouldn't be married yet, either, but we both like the way it is now. Sometimes it's good if life forces you to make decisions!

[jundp 191]

Marriage didn't feel any different than what existed between us before. It was more for the family and community than it was for us personally, making public a committment we had made to each other that we made the summer before.

Only thing weird about the Standesamt wedding was all this attention paid to us just signing paperwork. I mean, we have a lot of pictures people took of us just signing this stuff. There was so much oohing and ahing over it. I couldn't be bothered to read what it was really about and neither could my husband. Now we joke whenever the other doesn't want to do something that it was in the "contract" we "foolishly" signed at the Standesamt, so get to work.

I've been married before, so I guess it's not really a big deal, except that I'm happy to be joining my life with his. I joke that if we have the ceremony in German who knows what I'll be agreeing to! This is more for his family I have to say, because they want to be a part of it, and I understand that.

We only had a civil ceremony here in the US, and a dinner with some friends and family afterwards. We were both married before, and not interested in having a big reception. I have to say that being married feels very different to me, tough, and it's a good feeling. If it wasn't for immigration, we probably wouldn't be married yet, either, but we both like the way it is now. Sometimes it's good if life forces you to make decisions!

I agree. Sometimes it's a good thing. And I would move to Germany in a heartbeat if it weren't for my kids.