For Brits - Living in the U.S. Can't Compete With the U.K. - Be "Warned"

[VadnVince 24]

14 hours ago, Duke & Marie said:

I was raise As a kid in the uk for 20 years, before going home to Aus for 20 and now here in the USA.. leaving things (family, friends, familiarity) behind is always hard.. even now 25 years after leaving the uk there’s things I miss... god I’d near kill for a Holland’s steak and kidney pudding,oh and a descent curry.. omg and the lollies from my childhood 😋 But after a few years you adjust.. Aus will always be the best tho 😜

 

point is, I have a tendency to still compare, it’s hard not to. Life here is very different to both the uk I know and my home australia... but at the end of the day home should be and usually is where the heart is and you need to work to adjust to life in a new country, you need to live for the future not the past and always be moving forward with your loved one.

 

my heart goes out to you.. her loss, I hope you find true happiness in the future 

One "asset" that I have is being an airline employee.  So going back to all of those culinary favorites is just a deeply discounted, 8 hour flight away!  If I were able to immigrate there, that'd be MY backup plan if I want some REAL Southern fried checking, Mississippi catfish and a big portioned  "Fat American" all-you-can-eat buffet!  Oh, and real American-Chinese food!  LOL  (British-Chinese food is VERY odd!)

[yuna628 9,671]

Hi OP,

 

My husband thought about your post a lot actually. There is a kind of phase a person goes through where they do compare life here vs life there. If that never really leaves a person and acclimation and acceptance of choices never happens then he can only conclude your wife was never ready to begin with - nor prepared to make such a sacrifice of 'letting go'. And some people will always be like that. But in a relationship such as this - someone - be it her or you - have to make the sacrifice or else what relationship is there to begin with?

 

From my observation of my husband, initially in the first years things were hard. He had already been visiting here for years so perhaps it was not as hard to adjust as most - and my upbringing, even as an American with UK heritage, did share a similar culture and understanding. I can honestly say that I miss the UK just as much as he does - and we'd be quite content to live there and I'd have little qualms about packing up even as I too would go through that same comparison phase. Still, things were difficult initially when he was passed up for jobs, or when he'd see various depressing things happening locally. That got better when he threw himself into working and quickly found friends. He's gotten to see our healthcare system first hand and while he still doesn't like it not being 'free', he now recognizes it's value. I've made a point to take him to as many places as I can to show him the good things of America, but never glossing over the bad. He's never short of treats from back home, especially when he's homesick. And believe me, people do get homesick. It's impossible not to. The first step is realizing that America will never be the same as the UK - and that's okay, because we are different and we shouldn't be the same. And it's also okay if they feel some things are better back home. But if that starts consuming their life and they never actually want to leave home... there's a deeper problem here. He's not sure if it's something that can be repaired through therapy.

[VadnVince 24]

9 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

You did what you could.  We can't want something for somebody more than she wants it for herself.

Let her have her comfort in the UK, then.  Quit throwing good effort after bad, if indeed you still are.

Free yourself, and look for someone native to here, assimilated, or willing to assimilate.

Just some thoughts from a fellow Colonist.

Your advise is a little irrelevant and irreverent in the context of MARRIAGE!  I'm afraid I take vows a little more seriously than that.  Admittedly, though, my inner "Popeye" has surfaced - 'THAT'S ALL THAT I CAN STANDS AND I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE!"  LOL

[VadnVince 24]

8 hours ago, Englishsammy said:

Sorry to hear your story. Moving across the world is complex and everyone is different mentally and emotionally. Are you not able to spend some time visiting her out there? Whatever happens, I hope your can move forward with your life. 

I spent my longest visit in the UK, this past winter, for three months.  It was an attempt to see about trying to immigrate there, which was virtually impossible.  I was prepared to stay for the full six months, but came back because it was impossible (as in not legal) to find work as a visa visitor and the original scheme suggested by her family to be a lecturer was also not possible, either.  I've visited multiple times, over the years and can empathize with her sentiments.  Yet, my willingness to even TRY and go there and live was for US, which was supposed to be the original, underlying reason for her moving here.  Refusing to assimilate will not work with her coming here or my living there.  

[Duke & Marie 1,389]

25 minutes ago, VadnVince said:

One "asset" that I have is being an airline employee.  So going back to all of those culinary favorites is just a deeply discounted, 8 hour flight away!  If I were able to immigrate there, that'd be MY backup plan if I want some REAL Southern fried checking, Mississippi catfish and a big portioned  "Fat American" all-you-can-eat buffet!  Oh, and real American-Chinese food!  LOL  (British-Chinese food is VERY odd!)

Lol in all honesty I now have a serious dislike for English food, although that may be attributed to my moms cooking skills, I have a tendency to think it’s bland and overcooked... Good fish and chips has been impossible to find since I left the UK though, even in Australia F&C can’t be compared..
 

please don’t talk to me about real southern fried food 🙈 it’s just too good and living in New Orleans is killing my waste line.. in ref to Chinese food, I think it’s the American Chinese thats odd.. back home in Australia we have heaps of Chinese immigrants and some amazing Asian flavours infused into our own cuisine.. but I have to admit I do miss a good Indian curry on a Friday night after a UK pub crawl.. luckily, I’m a dual citezen and can go home to visit my family and on the up-side flights from the usa-uk are way faster And cheaper than Aus-uk So hopefully I’ll get home to visit mom more often.. 

 

@Cndn you might have a pathway through descent https://www.gov.uk/apply-citizenship-british-parent

[VadnVince 24]

7 hours ago, Xyrstine said:

I'd like to think that you have grown from this and still have had beautiful memories regardless of the way it turned out. 

 

 

I've grown OLD from this!  LOL  We married at 50! 

[VadnVince 24]

2 hours ago, Nicola and Jordan said:

Another Brit here. I moved here to Manhattan, NYC in February 2019

NYC is a totally "different beast" even for Americans who've never lived there!  I've only visited, twice.  You're AWESOME!

Edited September 23, 2020 by VadnVince

[Duke & Marie 1,389]

6 minutes ago, VadnVince said:

I was prepared to stay for the full six months, but came back because it was impossible (as in not legal) to find work as a visa visitor and the original scheme suggested by her family to be a lecturer was also not possible, either.  

Have you considered rotation? 6 mths here 6 there with both of you going back and forth? It could help the relationship and give her some form of regular familiarity and trips home to look forward to.. 
 

I know it sounds a little odd, but as ex military and ex mining A fly in fly out Type scenario isn’t impossible if you can find employment flexible enough..the internet is a fantastic creature for working remotely as many companies have recently discovered due to covid.. if like you said her family spoke about you being a lecturer, indicating some form of degree held by you a work visa/immigration visa could be a better option than visitor.. that is, if you really wanted to try fix things..

[VadnVince 24]

2 hours ago, LukeU said:

I am the British recipient of a K1 Visa. May 2019, married June 2019 and received my Greencard January 2020. Throughout I would say June > November, I had huge issues of adapting to the move here (USA), from home (UK). This whole process is not easy, the feelings of loneliness, boredom, fear, uncertainty and just worthlessness was a daily thing at times for me - and I'd never, ever dealt with those feelings on such a scale (Young male, ego, y'know).

Good points - thanks for sharing.  Part of our dilemma is that we ARE "60!"  LOL  We got married at 50 so it can be assumed that folks are set in their ways by that age and international moving may be for "young folks only!"  LOL  You've started off with a great attitude and mindset.  No doubt because you're still young and open to new things.  

 

My wife was very happy when I made an attempt to see about immigrating there, this past winter.  But as you mentioned, the immigration process to the UK is near to impossible.  That's why we got the K-1 visa to America.  

 

I'm was born in DETROIT, btw. Tried to return there to live in 2018 after being gone since I was 12.  Nope.   That is definitely "the past!"

[VadnVince 24]

1 hour ago, Boiler said:

I know quite a few people who moved here at an older age, not sure it makes any difference, well not to my notice.

 

And I knew very few from the UK, Germans and Danish seem more prevalent!

It's definitely based on the individual, not matter what age.  I "take a Mick" with my wife that she is definitely an "OLD SOUL"  at around 85, now!

[VadnVince 24]

Hope your mom doesn't have access to this board!  LOL  I've never had authentic Chinese food to compare.  Just like American-Italian and Italian are two different things too.  You're down there in, eating in the Big Easy?!  The waistline is a lost cause!

[VadnVince 24]

34 minutes ago, Duke & Marie said:

Lol in all honesty I now have a serious dislike for English food, although that may be attributed to my moms cooking skills, I have a tendency to think it’s bland and overcooked... Good fish and chips has been impossible to find since I left the UK though, even in Australia F&C can’t be compared..
 

please don’t talk to me about real southern fried food 🙈 it’s just too good and living in New Orleans is killing my waste line.. in ref to Chinese food, I think it’s the American Chinese thats odd.. back home in Australia we have heaps of Chinese immigrants and some amazing Asian flavours infused into our own cuisine.. but I have to admit I do miss a good Indian curry on a Friday night after a UK pub crawl.. luckily, I’m a dual citezen and can go home to visit my family and on the up-side flights from the usa-uk are way faster And cheaper than Aus-uk So hopefully I’ll get home to visit mom more often.. 

 

@Cndn you might have a pathway through descent https://www.gov.uk/apply-citizenship-british-parent

Hope your mom doesn't have access to this board!  LOL  I've never had authentic Chinese food to compare.  Just like American-Italian and Italian are two different things too.  You're down there in, eating in the Big Easy?!  The waistline is a lost cause!

[Duke & Marie 1,389]

14 minutes ago, VadnVince said:

Hope your mom doesn't have access to this board!  LOL  I've never had authentic Chinese food to compare.  Just like American-Italian and Italian are two different things too.  You're down there in, eating in the Big Easy?!  The waistline is a lost cause!

Lol my moms flat out using her mobile phone let alone the internet so I think I’m safe... and yeah hubbies very proud of himself about my growing a butt, me not so proud about it 😂😂 

 

what about retirement..? You mentioned your 60... is a retirement option in the uk any easier than employment visa, it’s a valid option being married to a uk citizen? I know from a health aspect you’d likely save a fortune on insurance given they’ve got a national health insurance system.. other than the rain and cold they do have so very lovely country towns and villages perfect for retirement and relaxation.. 

Edited September 23, 2020 by Duke & Marie

[Nicola and Jordan 668]

1 hour ago, VadnVince said:

NYC is a totally "different beast" even for Americans who've never lived there!  I've only visited, twice.  You're AWESOME!

This comment has actually made me feel better thank you! I thought I was just a weak little English girl 😂😂😂 I'm glad to know American's think this too haha

[African Zealot 1,455]

On 9/22/2020 at 1:55 PM, VadnVince said:

Whether you're from a third world or first world country - HOME IS HOME and you're going to have to make necessary adjustments to BE married in a new home and not just GET married on a "romantic" K-1 visa.  The parallels between the U.K. & the U.S.A. are more than the differences. 

When the person is coming from a much poorer country like I am originally from (I did not come via K1 etc, I came via a scholarship), although there are difficult adjustments the stark reality is that economically the USA is so much better that you do not get the problem you are facing.

 

Personally my opinion is that for someone coming from an equally affluent country like in Western Europe the relationship is the only draw, and hence it is much more unlikely/difficult for the one migrating to be happy/content here.

 

Sorry about your situation, hopefully it works out. If it doesn't at least you tried.