For Brits - Living in the U.S. Can't Compete With the U.K. - Be "Warned"

[VadnVince 24]

This fall will make my 9th anniversary with my British bride.  It will also make the 3rd anniversary since she returned home to look after her mum.  I think that our VisaJourney started off beautifully and romantically!  It's sorta landed with a thud, 11 years later, since we've first met.   I don't think that her traveling to America for to get married was what she dreamt it would be.  The trip to home to care for Mum has also been a convenient way to STAY at home and not make any concrete plans (with me) to return.  All has been placed back on me to prepare for her to return as I prepared for her initial arrival.  The problem was that during the time of being her, she was never really content, or as she put it, "comfortable" as she was at home.  I'm realistic to realize that we're never as comfortable as we are at home.  Especially if "home" is in another country.  But I also know that it on the part of the K=1 visa holder to realize that they are making a conscious move to a new home and must also make a conscientious effort to make it home.

 

I recently read a post from "Howins/NYC" by a bride who was homesick for the U.K. and not adjusting to American living.  If I didn't know better, I'd believe that it was written by MY wife.  Over the past 8.5 years, the prevailing theme has been, "It's not how it's done in the U.K."  No matter what I've done to make her comfortable, it's never as good as, "how it's done in the U.K." Obviously, nothing will ever by done as it is in the U.K. BECAUSE IT'S THE U.S.A!  Something I don't think immigrants consider when living home.  Whether you're from a third world or first world country - HOME IS HOME and you're going to have to make necessary adjustments to BE married in a new home and not just GET married on a "romantic" K-1 visa.  The parallels between the U.K. & the U.S.A. are more than the differences.  And yes, last year I considered trying to make a go of it in the U.K.  BUT, immigration to the U.K. is filled with red-tape and is expensive.  No, I don't really want to live there because our business sector systems are easier here than in the U.K.  Being an entrepreneur is challenging in the U.K. compared to the U.S., as well as as finding a job.

 

Today, I have sincere regrets after spending the past decade trying to make someone happy (& comfortable) my priority.  Only to have it constantly thrown back at me that, "It's better in the U.K." 

 

 

[purem4g1c 113]

Coming from Canada I think USA is better then Canada in almost every way except one. Health care. and then even then the us system is better in some ways then Canada's oh and that we call it kraft dinner not macaroni and cheese is maybe the only thing we do different. There maybe some other differences but they are not enough to bring up or cry about.

[EnglishLove 112]

My husband has been here from the UK a little over a year now. He moved here August 27, 2019. On Thursday we have our AOS interview but I really think it just depends on the person if they will like it here or not. My husband came from a very poor background so he loves it here and doesn't even want to go back to the UK to visit, even though I'm dying to go see more of London and even Scotland. The only thing he says is better in the UK is the beer but he has learned he loves the outdoors, hunting, and fishing... something that is practically impossible from where he comes from and my parents living on a ranch, he has pretty much unlimited access to what he loves. I'm really sorry she doesn't like the USA. At the beginning of mine and my husband's journey, I wanted to live over there but after seeing how hard things are over there, I would don't think I would move anywhere but the USA. I still try to throw in as much London themed stuff for my hubby as a can though when I host party's or anything. I make sausage rolls, I get online and order UK foods, I buy London décor, etc. to keep him from being homesick since I've read on here how many people were getting homesick.  

[Boiler 45,466]

It is different, UK has also changed so what are you comparing, UK now UK 20 years ago 40 years ago what?

[yoda one for me 322]

35 minutes ago, Pooley said:

 I make sausage rolls, I get online and order UK foods, I buy London décor, etc. to keep him from being homesick since I've read on here how many people were getting homesick.  

This is so bloody cute I can't cope! 😆

 

Anyway, life is what you make it. I have been in the US for almost a year, and while COVID has stopped me being able to fully integrate the way I thought I would, I've done what I can and embraced the cultural differences. I still have little chats with my husband about things that are different (the whole real estate thing is about to come up for us and it seems like an odd way of doing things compared to what i'm used to across the pond!) but never has it been a "Britain is better" just different. But ultimately I'm mostly just glad we can be together and enjoy the nice and comfortable lifestyle that we have here - something that wouldn't be as attainable for us in the UK tbh. 

 

Having said that, I'm used to moving a lot and I never felt roots in any part of the UK. For me, this has been a pretty easy move but for some I can see how it seems like an exciting adventure and then the novelty wears off. With anyone considering such a big international move, I would caution them to think very carefully and understand what you are going to have to give up for it and decide whether you can live with that, and how it will change your family relationships. 

 

Edited September 22, 2020 by yoda one for me

[EnglishLove 112]

1 hour ago, yoda one for me said:

This is so bloody cute I can't cope! 😆

 

Anyway, life is what you make it. I have been in the US for almost a year, and while COVID has stopped me being able to fully integrate the way I thought I would, I've done what I can and embraced the cultural differences. I still have little chats with my husband about things that are different (the whole real estate thing is about to come up for us and it seems like an odd way of doing things compared to what i'm used to across the pond!) but never has it been a "Britain is better" just different. But ultimately I'm mostly just glad we can be together and enjoy the nice and comfortable lifestyle that we have here - something that wouldn't be as attainable for us in the UK tbh. 

 

Having said that, I'm used to moving a lot and I never felt roots in any part of the UK. For me, this has been a pretty easy move but for some I can see how it seems like an exciting adventure and then the novelty wears off. With anyone considering such a big international move, I would caution them to think very carefully and understand what you are going to have to give up for it and decide whether you can live with that, and how it will change your family relationships. 

 

This is true. My hubby loves his family but was never super close with them and his friends weren't the greatest of friends either and had trouble saving money (pretty much since he was never tough to manage it well in the first place). He had it tough so since coming here, my family has welcomed him with open arms, he's finished his schooling by getting his GED, quite smoking, started the job he set out to get (an electrician) and is also in college for apprenticeship, has made super close friends and we just bought our first house together so he's what he calls "chuffed" lol.  

[yoda one for me 322]

8 minutes ago, Pooley said:

This is true. My hubby loves his family but was never super close with them and his friends weren't the greatest of friends either and had trouble saving money (pretty much since he was never tough to manage it well in the first place). He had it tough so since coming here, my family has welcomed him with open arms, he's finished his schooling by getting his GED, quite smoking, started the job he set out to get (an electrician) and is also in college for apprenticeship, has made super close friends and we just bought our first house together so he's what he calls "chuffed" lol.  

Wow, that's an amazing set of achievements - well done him! Chuffed to bits, I bet!   

[EnglishLove 112]

4 minutes ago, yoda one for me said:

Wow, that's an amazing set of achievements - well done him! Chuffed to bits, I bet!   

Yeah I think so too! He's worked his butt off since he's got here and done so well 🥰

[Sarah_k92 112]

Another Brit here...

I get where she might be coming from as a homebody myself. I miss certain things about the UK- the culture, food and of course family. It’s a tricky situation and it can take years for people to settle. I had family move from the UK to Australia and they always say it took over 10 years to feel completely settled. It takes time for each person. If you truly love her, then be patient and just understand it takes others longer than some. But also, she should be compromising with you. 
 

good luck and I hope you can figure it all out. 

[Duke & Marie 1,389]

I was raise As a kid in the uk for 20 years, before going home to Aus for 20 and now here in the USA.. leaving things (family, friends, familiarity) behind is always hard.. even now 25 years after leaving the uk there’s things I miss... god I’d near kill for a Holland’s steak and kidney pudding,oh and a descent curry.. omg and the lollies from my childhood 😋 But after a few years you adjust.. Aus will always be the best tho 😜

 

point is, I have a tendency to still compare, it’s hard not to. Life here is very different to both the uk I know and my home australia... but at the end of the day home should be and usually is where the heart is and you need to work to adjust to life in a new country, you need to live for the future not the past and always be moving forward with your loved one.

 

my heart goes out to you.. her loss, I hope you find true happiness in the future 

Edited September 23, 2020 by Duke & Marie

[narakthisud 174]

This is a fascinating thread. If I were to look at my own wife's situation, I could imagine her feeling similarly homesick. To be fair, if something like this could happen to a UK expat, it could certainly happen to others. I suppose this risk exists at some level for all USC's.

 

The culture differences between here and Asia are even bigger, so I find it interesting that someone would struggle with the differences between the UK and USA. To each his/her own, though. Just thought I'd stop by to offer a perspective from outside the Anglo Saxon sphere of influence.

[JFH 12,190]

Another Brit here... I’ve been here almost 4 years and I still get homesick for small, trivial things. And I also find myself thinking “but that’s not how we do things in the UK” on a regular basis. I don’t think I’ll ever stop that but it doesn’t have to be a problem. It’s normal to compare things and look for the familiar, even if your search is in vain. Things are different. Not necessarily better or worse, just different.

 

I’ve never been a “Disney Brit” who thinks life in the US is all warm weather, theme parks, 24-hour shopping and all-you-can-eat buffets. When I tell people back home how much snow we get in WA they are shocked -“that’s not what America is like, surely?”. To them it’s all homes with pools, t-shirt weather all year round. People even think I should be “disappointed” that I met an American but he lived in the Pacific Northwest, as if the sole basis of our relationship is a new life in the sun for me. Some of us like winter!
 

I guess I had a helping hand in settling here. My husband tried to get a visa for the UK but it was denied with a lifetime ban. So if I didn’t make it work here we would have a problem on our hands. I try to ignore the location and focus on the fact that I am spending the rest of my life with my favorite person in the world and the geography is irrelevant. We make our own happiness. 
 

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you. I hope you can both find happiness, wherever that may be. 

[Cndn 98]

3 minutes ago, JFH said:

Another Brit here... I’ve been here almost 4 years and I still get homesick for small, trivial things. And I also find myself thinking “but that’s not how we do things in the UK” on a regular basis. I don’t think I’ll ever stop that but it doesn’t have to be a problem. It’s normal to compare things and look for the familiar, even if your search is in vain. Things are different. Not necessarily better or worse, just different.

 

I’ve never been a “Disney Brit” who thinks life in the US is all warm weather, theme parks, 24-hour shopping and all-you-can-eat buffets. When I tell people back home how much snow we get in WA they are shocked -“that’s not what America is like, surely?”. To them it’s all homes with pools, t-shirt weather all year round. People even think I should be “disappointed” that I met an American but he lived in the Pacific Northwest, as if the sole basis of our relationship is a new life in the sun for me. Some of us like winter!
 

I guess I had a helping hand in settling here. My husband tried to get a visa for the UK but it was denied with a lifetime ban. So if I didn’t make it work here we would have a problem on our hands. I try to ignore the location and focus on the fact that I am spending the rest of my life with my favorite person in the world and the geography is irrelevant. We make our own happiness. 
 

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you. I hope you can both find happiness, wherever that may be. 

Denied with a lifetime ban?? Can I ask why? So he’s not allowed to go there at all and visit with you? That sounds hard.
 

My mum is from the UK. I wonder if I have citizenship through her (I was born in Canada)? 

[TBoneTX 45,266]

11 hours ago, VadnVince said:

I have sincere regrets after spending the past decade trying to make someone happy (& comfortable) my priority.  Only to have it constantly thrown back at me that, "It's better in the U.K." 

You did what you could.  We can't want something for somebody more than she wants it for herself.

11 hours ago, VadnVince said:

she was never really content, or as she put it, "comfortable"

Let her have her comfort in the UK, then.  Quit throwing good effort after bad, if indeed you still are.

Free yourself, and look for someone native to here, assimilated, or willing to assimilate.

Just some thoughts from a fellow Colonist.

[Englishsammy 17]

Sorry to hear your story. Moving across the world is complex and everyone is different mentally and emotionally. Are you not able to spend some time visiting her out there? Whatever happens, I hope your can move forward with your life. 
 

We actually moved back to England in 2008 (I was an exchange student in 2005, moved as a K1 in 2006) luckily before they changed the U.K. immigration laws so my husband has his U.K. citizenship. After about 5 years there we realized we wanted to return to California for good and we moved in 2016. I think living in both countries and each spending time in each other’s homelands really helped us as a family blend our cultures and traditions. I mean he’d never trade fish and chips for an In and Out burger but he does miss England too. 
 

I still say we don’t do that in England lol but I love it here and so do our kids - they are so invested in school and their sports which their peers in England don’t seem to be (just my experience and seeing friends kids etc, I’m sure this isn’t the case for everyone). We are in our own fixer upper now and have applied for my parents to move over!