My [US, 24m] partner [Brazil, 22f] is an au pair & I'm trying to figure out how to keep her in the country without marrying her

[jskibo 588]

Is the OP Colt?

[ActiveBarStool 1]

16 hours ago, James120383 said:

Relax bro, she has no intentions of staying in US while you are dreaming away white picket fence , wife, 4 kids and 2 dogs.  Sounds like you are dreaming. Wake up ! 

 

Just saying she has her priorities but you seem to be lost like she is the only woman on this planet 

I never had much luck with dating before I met her, and not much better luck in the 6 months we were open either.. You're right I'm trying to get her to move toward a future she doesn't want.. but the future she wants (traveling all over the world, random adventures, not worrying about where the money will come from, no plans) goes against everything I value in a "long-term" partner.. it's a shame because I qualified her on all these things and loved these qualities in her when we were casually dating but they're the exact opposite of what I'd want in a long-term partner.

She's told me before that I'm trying to get her to be someone she's not - she doesn't disagree with the host family because they give her food, shelter, pay, gifts, vacations, etc which messes up my schedule constantly; she doesn't have a long-term plan for her future because that's not the type of person she is; she wouldn't want to stay in the US if it weren't for me; I want her to use her time to work & up her earning potential so she can pay for her own student visa, she agreed to do it, then never did because she doesn't believe in herself & seems to have no intention of doing it..;

 

Then she tries to get me to be something I'm not & it makes me resent her: she wants me to always be empathetic to her & on some level put her before myself (which I can't in good conscious do); she wants me to marry her to stay here which goes against my beliefs in marriage (never marry a woman you haven't dated for at least 5-6 years); she suggests I move to Brazil with her to keep things going if she has to leave (which would completely throw off my current life path, that I was happy on before I met her); she wants me to do a long-distance relationship with her (which goes against my views on relationships & I've tried before.. and it was extremely difficult for me, and I eventually caved and broke up with my last long-distance girlfriend); she wanted me to choose between her and other women (because I never saw myself committing to another girl monogamously until I tried having kids after 2 rough experiences with doing it, until I had kids), and I do it because I love her..

Edited August 12, 2020 by ActiveBarStool

[Orangesapples 1,954]

7 minutes ago, ActiveBarStool said:

I never had much luck with dating before I met her, and not much better luck in the 6 months we were open either.. You're right I'm trying to get her to move toward a future she doesn't want.. but the future she wants (traveling all over the world, random adventures, not worrying about where the money will come from, no plans) goes against everything I value in a "long-term" partner.. it's a shame because I qualified her on all these things and loved these qualities in her when we were casually dating but they're the exact opposite of what I'd want in a long-term partner.

She's told me before that I'm trying to get her to be someone she's not - she doesn't disagree with the host family because they give her food, shelter, pay, gifts, vacations, etc which messes up my schedule constantly; she doesn't have a long-term plan for her future because that's not the type of person she is; she wouldn't want to stay in the US if it weren't for me; I want her to use her time to work & up her earning potential so she can pay for her own student visa, she agreed to do it, then never did because she doesn't believe in herself & seems to have no intention of doing it..;

 

Then she tries to get me to be something I'm not & it makes me resent her: she wants me to always be empathetic to her & on some level put her before myself (which I can't in good conscious do); she wants me to marry her to stay here which goes against my beliefs in marriage (never marry a woman you haven't dated for at least 5-6 years); she suggests I move to Brazil with her to keep things going if she has to leave (which would completely throw off my current life path, that I was happy on before I met her); she wants me to do a long-distance relationship with her (which goes against my views on relationships & I've tried before.. and it was extremely difficult for me, and I eventually caved and broke up with my last long-distance girlfriend); she wanted me to choose between her and other women (because I never saw myself committing to another girl monogamously until I tried having kids after 2 rough experiences with doing it, until I had kids), and I do it because I love her..

This is not a relationship forum and your "open relationship" ideals are not gonna be popular here. Your girlfriend has very limited options to stay in the US unless you marry her and you don't want to do it. You seem to think being monogamous is some great sacrifice (more like the bare minimum). I think it's best if you just break up, I don't see how she can stay in the US without marriage. 

Edited August 12, 2020 by Orangesapples

[Her Highness 20]

6 minutes ago, ActiveBarStool said:

I never had much luck with dating before I met her, and not much better luck in the 6 months we were open either.. You're right I'm trying to get her to move toward a future she doesn't want.. but the future she wants (traveling all over the world, random adventures, not worrying about where the money will come from, no plans) goes against everything I value in a "long-term" partner.. it's a shame because I qualified her on all these things and loved these qualities in her when we were casually dating but they're the exact opposite of what I'd want in a long-term partner.

She's told me before that I'm trying to get her to be someone she's not - she doesn't disagree with the host family because they give her food, shelter, pay, gifts, vacations, etc which messes up my schedule constantly; she doesn't have a long-term plan for her future because that's not the type of person she is; she wouldn't want to stay in the US if it weren't for me; I want her to use her time to work & up her earning potential so she can pay for her own student visa, she agreed to do it, then never did because she doesn't believe in herself & seems to have no intention of doing it..;

 

Then she tries to get me to be something I'm not & it makes me resent her: she wants me to always be empathetic to her & on some level put her before myself (which I can't in good conscious do); she wants me to marry her to stay here which goes against my beliefs in marriage (never marry a woman you haven't dated for at least 5-6 years); she suggests I move to Brazil with her to keep things going if she has to leave (which would completely throw off my current life path, that I was happy on before I met her); she wants me to do a long-distance relationship with her (which goes against my views on relationships & I've tried before.. and it was extremely difficult for me, and I eventually caved and broke up with my last long-distance girlfriend); she wanted me to choose between her and other women (because I never saw myself committing to another girl monogamously until I tried having kids after 2 rough experiences with doing it, until I had kids), and I do it because I love her..

It sounds like you need to call your heart and mind for a serious meeting. You seem to already have non negotiables set for your relationships, going against those will end up in you being unhappy. It's cliché but there are lots of fish in the sea. I bet amongst the many fish there's one that actually resonates with what you want in life. Don't give up looking. Good luck!

[igoyougoduke 1,663]

10 minutes ago, ActiveBarStool said:

I never had much luck with dating before I met her, and not much better luck in the 6 months we were open either.. You're right I'm trying to get her to move toward a future she doesn't want.. but the future she wants (traveling all over the world, random adventures, not worrying about where the money will come from, no plans) goes against everything I value in a "long-term" partner.. it's a shame because I qualified her on all these things and loved these qualities in her when we were casually dating but they're the exact opposite of what I'd want in a long-term partner.

She's told me before that I'm trying to get her to be someone she's not - she doesn't disagree with the host family because they give her food, shelter, pay, gifts, vacations, etc which messes up my schedule constantly; she doesn't have a long-term plan for her future because that's not the type of person she is; she wouldn't want to stay in the US if it weren't for me; I want her to use her time to work & up her earning potential so she can pay for her own student visa, she agreed to do it, then never did because she doesn't believe in herself & seems to have no intention of doing it..;

 

Then she tries to get me to be something I'm not & it makes me resent her: she wants me to always be empathetic to her & on some level put her before myself (which I can't in good conscious do); she wants me to marry her to stay here which goes against my beliefs in marriage (never marry a woman you haven't dated for at least 5-6 years); she suggests I move to Brazil with her to keep things going if she has to leave (which would completely throw off my current life path, that I was happy on before I met her); she wants me to do a long-distance relationship with her (which goes against my views on relationships & I've tried before.. and it was extremely difficult for me, and I eventually caved and broke up with my last long-distance girlfriend); she wanted me to choose between her and other women (because I never saw myself committing to another girl monogamously until I tried having kids after 2 rough experiences with doing it, until I had kids), and I do it because I love her..

Half of this planet is female.  just saying  .. you are going in the wrong track and not self respecting yourself.  She surely is stringing you to get the green card as she has no educations, no way for her to be here once the au pair thing ends.

 

Seriously respect your self and find a better gal. There are so many gals who are looking for a good guy. She is not one but hey its your life. its just my opinion.

[laylalex 7,293]

Dude, end it now. Seriously. If she said this to you:

7 minutes ago, ActiveBarStool said:

She's told me before that I'm trying to get her to be someone she's not

And you think this:

8 minutes ago, ActiveBarStool said:

messes up my schedule constantly

and

9 minutes ago, ActiveBarStool said:

I want her to use her time to work & up her earning potential so she can pay for her own student visa, she agreed to do it, then never did because she doesn't believe in herself & seems to have no intention of doing it

and

9 minutes ago, ActiveBarStool said:

Then she tries to get me to be something I'm not & it makes me resent her

you are not the right person for her. She is not the right person for you. Honestly, all I hear is "me me me" -- this is what I want her to be like, this is what I will not accept, I can't do this for her, I won't put her at the top of my priorities list, I can't be monogamous, and on and on. She's your girlfriend, and that's it. Honestly, put her and yourself out of your misery and end it now. 

 

I got married at 25, and I was probably too young, but I was committed to making it work as a team. My ex was a selfish, egotistical person, but he also saw us as a team, for better or worse. We talked about our plans for the future, and he thought we were on the same page, until I got unhappy with what I agreed to (leaving work, being a full time homemaker and mom). It caused a LOT of stress and probably set the stage for the eventual failure of our marriage. We were incompatible because we had different visions of a life together, but we thought we could just hope for the best and it would all work out. It did not. We should have pulled the plug a lot earlier.

 

You sound like you need to live more life before committing to one woman. Do it.

 

[ActiveBarStool 1]

7 minutes ago, laylalex said:

Dude, end it now. Seriously. If she said this to you:

Yeah. This is what literally all of my close friends who know the details are telling me to do 😕

[Orangesapples 1,954]

17 minutes ago, Her Highnesd said:

It sounds like you need to call your heart and mind for a serious meeting. You seem to already have non negotiables set for your relationships, going against those will end up in you being unhappy. It's cliché but there are lots of fish in the sea. I bet amongst the many fish there's one that actually resonates with what you want in life. Don't give up looking. Good luck!

To be fair, wanting an open relationship is a pretty selfish non negotiable and he might want to reexamine that. 

[laylalex 7,293]

4 minutes ago, ActiveBarStool said:

Yeah. This is what literally all of my close friends who know the details are telling me to do 😕

It's the kindest thing to do for both of you. I'm about 10 years older than you, and I had a whole bunch of hopes and dreams for myself that I never brought to fruition because I was following what I thought I had to do to keep my LDR working. I tried living in his country, and it didn't work out. It should have been a sign to me that it was never going to work, but I was in love so we switched to a K1 to bring him here. I should have just taken the time to do the stuff I wanted to do, grow a little, grow up a little. We would have been able to wait for each other... or not. My very best wishes to you.

[Orangesapples 1,954]

18 minutes ago, James120383 said:

 

 

Seriously respect your self and find a better gal. There are so many gals who are looking for a good guy. She is not one but hey its your life. its just my opinion.

I mean, he said that being monogamous is some great sacrifice, lol. I don't know if many women think of that when they're looking for a "good guy". 

[Her Highness 20]

6 minutes ago, Orangesapples said:

To be fair, wanting an open relationship is a pretty selfish non negotiable and he might want to reexamine that. 

In his current situation, yes, it's selfish. However, his choice of the type of relationship that he wants is up to him as long as he is upfront with potential partners. Expecting him to re-examine that just because it doesn't fit into what is deemed "proper" is also selfish. 

[Orangesapples 1,954]

3 minutes ago, Her Highnesd said:

In his current situation, yes, it's selfish. However, his choice of the type of relationship that he wants is up to him as long as he is upfront with potential partners. Expecting him to re-examine that just because it doesn't fit into what is deemed "proper" is also selfish. 

It's not selfish, I don't know the guy, I don't care what he does. I'm just saying that him choosing to stick to this "non negotiable" is not a good idea. 

[Ontarkie 14,324]

1 hour ago, ActiveBarStool said:

I never had much luck with dating before I met her, and not much better luck in the 6 months we were open either.. You're right I'm trying to get her to move toward a future she doesn't want.. but the future she wants (traveling all over the world, random adventures, not worrying about where the money will come from, no plans) goes against everything I value in a "long-term" partner.. it's a shame because I qualified her on all these things and loved these qualities in her when we were casually dating but they're the exact opposite of what I'd want in a long-term partner.

She's told me before that I'm trying to get her to be someone she's not - she doesn't disagree with the host family because they give her food, shelter, pay, gifts, vacations, etc which messes up my schedule constantly; she doesn't have a long-term plan for her future because that's not the type of person she is; she wouldn't want to stay in the US if it weren't for me; I want her to use her time to work & up her earning potential so she can pay for her own student visa, she agreed to do it, then never did because she doesn't believe in herself & seems to have no intention of doing it..;

 

Then she tries to get me to be something I'm not & it makes me resent her: she wants me to always be empathetic to her & on some level put her before myself (which I can't in good conscious do); she wants me to marry her to stay here which goes against my beliefs in marriage (never marry a woman you haven't dated for at least 5-6 years); she suggests I move to Brazil with her to keep things going if she has to leave (which would completely throw off my current life path, that I was happy on before I met her); she wants me to do a long-distance relationship with her (which goes against my views on relationships & I've tried before.. and it was extremely difficult for me, and I eventually caved and broke up with my last long-distance girlfriend); she wanted me to choose between her and other women (because I never saw myself committing to another girl monogamously until I tried having kids after 2 rough experiences with doing it, until I had kids), and I do it because I love her..

You two are simply not good for each other. Time to call it. 

When you find the right person you won't have to change, or change her. 

[SusieQQQ 11,587]

4 hours ago, ActiveBarStool said:

but the future she wants (traveling all over the world, random adventures, not worrying about where the money will come from, no plans) goes against everything I value in a "long-term" partner.

Yet you don’t see this “long term partner” as the mother of your children. Some blunt, non immigration advice - you have some growing up to do, particularly to understand what trade-offs people make in life.
Also. She’s 22, it’s perfectly natural to want to go traveling and have adventures without concrete plans yet. You do understand it’s quite possible to do all that in your early-mid 20s and still settle down into a stable career and home life later, yes?  I didn’t even bother to read the rest of it, it’s clear you want to have your cake and eat it, I think you should leave her to have fun and travel and adventure while she can where she can without you trying to tie her down here for your own reasons. This really isn’t an immigration thread at all actually.

 

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by SusieQQQ