My [US, 24m] partner [Brazil, 22f] is an au pair & I'm trying to figure out how to keep her in the country without marrying her

[ActiveBarStool 1]

We've been seeing each other for 8mo and have deep feelings for one another.

She's from Brazil & has been an au pair here for since July 2019.. she'll extend her stay until July 2021, then we'll need to find another way to keep her here or it will have to end.

Her dream is to travel the world before she has kids, and one day be wealthy/financially comfortable, as her family was very underprivileged growing up, yet she has no college degree so to do this, she became an au pair.

She had a boyfriend in Brazil who she left to visit America (temporarily), then ended up staying here & splitting with him because she liked it & he didn't want to move.

The easiest way for her to continue traveling would he to travel to France & become an au pair there, but I have no interest in moving there.

I'm conflicted because I could see a future with her here in the US, maybe eventually living in South America but not Brazil.

I (with the help of her host family, who loves her & has 3 kids, aged 4, 8, and 12) could financially support her to get a community college degree then eventually get her an office job where we can travel on vacation together.

I'm conflicted because I love her & see a real future with her, but I can't see myself marrying her within the next year & am ambivalent about the idea of letting her be the mother of my children. I made it clear that I can't see myself getting married until 30 at the earliest, 35 ideally not having kids until I'm 30-35.

My current plan of action is to help her get a work visa through her host family, then as a backup try to find the money for a student visa (30k), and as a final backup, help her pay for French lessons so she can move to France  to continue her world travels if both of those fall through.

I guess I'm just lost, because somewhere in my heart of hearts I don't think she could be the mother of my children, but I want to have a future with her, yet I don't want to lead her on to thinking I'd definitely marry her one day.

Any advice would be helpful, because these sorts of questions would usually be answered in a relationship later on & her visa situation may make us both make bad life decisions..

Edited August 11, 2020 by ActiveBarStool
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[portorusa 431]

You want to have a future with her but not as mother of your children. Then as what, concubine?

If you care about her enough to sponsor her studies and/or world travels, look into student or tourist visa for her. 

 

 

[Kittens&Pickle 6]

My friend was in the exact same situation. He knew the girl for less than 6 months when he was trying to keep her in the states.The host family brainwash him into marrying his au pair girlfriend. Also, the family didn’t want to renew her contract. 
 

They are now husband and wife! 

[SusieQQQ 11,587]

1 hour ago, ActiveBarStool said:

She's from Brazil & has been an au pair here for since July 2019.. she'll extend her stay until July 2021, then we'll need to find another way to keep her here or it will have to end.

....

The easiest way for her to continue traveling would he to travel to France & become an au pair there, but I have no interest in moving there.

So would France be after July 2021?

You've said a lot about what you want (and don’t want) to do. What does she want to do? 
 

1 hour ago, ActiveBarStool said:

could financially support her to get a community college degree then eventually get her an office job where we can travel on vacation together.

She may get a student visa for a cc degree, but she’ll have an uphill battle to meet the requirement to show she will return back to Brazil after it’s  finished, both because of who’ll be funding it and, well, because she (or rather you) don’t actually plan  for her to return home. Even if she gets that far, you’re not going to get her a work visa for some generic office job that plenty of locals can do. Most work visas require a minimum 4-year degree (or significant experience/achievements).

Edited August 11, 2020 by SusieQQQ

[geowrian 22,337]

If you're not willing to marry and petition her for a green card, there isn't really anything you can do about her status. You are not a (positive) consideration for any other type of visa. her being your partner is a tie to the US, which actually makes it harder for many non-immigrant visas due to the presumption of immigrant intent (you are a tie to the US, not for her to return abroad).

 

The main types of visas are:

* Family

* Work

* Student + Exchange

* Diversity Lottery

There are more, but probably not practical here.

 

Family visas are out unless you're willing to marry and petition her, or if she has an eligible US relative.

 

Work visas would mean finding an employer who would be willing to petition her and can successfully do so. These often have specific requirements in the type of field involved, degree requirements, making sure no US worker wants the job, pays a prevailing wage, etc. With no college degree, I can't see any work visa that could apply here except maybe certain seasonal workers. But those are very limited in duration, often fairly hard to obtain, and may not be in an area or field she wants.

There's a lot more to it than just finding an job...it's often a bunch of work and expenses for the employer (both in fees and even more on their lawyer costs...we're talking at least several thousands of dollars, and the employer must be the one to pay them). General office jobs are not typically going to be eligible for most work visas, let alone often a bachelor's degree or higher being required. Often these are filled by nurses, doctors, people in a STEM field, etc.

 

She can apply for a student visa. You (or the host family) can choose to fund it. No guarantees if she will qualify or not.

There may be questions of why she wants to go to a community college - presumably in an area near you - instead of a similar institution back in her home country. If it seems to the officer that she is just finding a way to stay in the US, it can raise questions about her intent to return home afterwards (as is required to obtain a student visa).

 

Diversity visas are a low chance of selection (often a couple percentage points). It's a lottery. Brazilian nationals are not eligible for the 2021 year...no idea on 2022.

[designguy 1,179]

2 hours ago, ActiveBarStool said:

My current plan of action is to help her get a work visa through her host family,

Not going to happen sorry. Work as an Au Pair  does not qualify for a work visa

[Unlockable 7,315]

I'm going to be blunt about this. You simply don't want to lose the convenience of having your gf here. The threat of her immigration status bothers you as it will

either cut the relationship short (her leaving) or force you into something you are not ready for (marriage). The truth is that you may need to prepare yourself for the inevitable if you are not ready to marry her. Dating an person that is limited with staying in the US is challenging, because the relationship can't progress fluidly. 

 

Almost everything plan you stated pertaining to immigration is not feasible. First, you have a gross misconception on how work visas are obtained. And nothing is wrong with that because most people are not well versed in immigration. You, yourself, can not do anything to get her a work visa. That is not how it works. In order for her to get a work visa, a company , (usually a major corp) has to hire her. Then the company are the ones who file the work visa. The process is complicated and very expensive. And because of this, work visas usually are limited to those with advanced degrees in STEM fields. It is not like she sees a help wanted signs in a McDonald's and send in an application for a work visa. Work visas are not only difficult to obtain, but the wait for them can be years. 

 

You coming up with money for tuition is admirable. But it is not just having the money to pay for school. She must remain an active student and not fail or drop out. It must also be a legit Uni. She also can NOT work on a student visa. Which means that you not only have to provide tuition, but room and board costs. It may be more of financial responsibility than you think. And student visas does not guarantee a path to residency or citizenship. And I will not get into the thought process of providing such a huge financial commitment versus simply marrying. 

 

But all of this you are doing is for the US side of immigration. If she goes to France, she may encounter the same limiting factors of immigration. Immigration is not a 'wake up one day and choose which country you want to work and live in'. Every country in the world has immigration laws and there are many that are more difficult and strict than the US. It is best for her to start researching extensively on France immigration so she doesn't end up in a compromising situation there.

 

Like it has been said numerous times already, there is very little to nothing you can do to help her with immigration, unless you marry her. You are not the first be in this situation. Now that you know your options you can move forward with either marrying her, or enjoy the relationship until her time her is done. 

 

Best of luck to you.

[SusieQQQ 11,587]

@geowrianfyi Brazil is unlikely to become eligible for diversity visa, has not been for years. 
 

@Unlockable it’s not clear from what OP has said how much research she’s done on France - given it’s a very particular country to name I am assuming she’s done enough research to know she can at least au pair there -  and all we know otherwise is that OP doesn’t want to go there (the unsaid implication is that she does).

Edited August 11, 2020 by SusieQQQ

[aaron2020 11,651]

Sorry, but US immigration does not work the way you hope it would.

 

She will not be able to get a work visa through her host family.  That's not how work visas work.  She would need a college degree and have a company apply for her.

 

She can't work in an office job as an international student.  International students are not authorized to work off campus outside of their field of study.  She must also prove that she has a home in Brazil that she intends to return to after she is done with her degree.  That's going to be impossible when a US boyfriend is paying for her tuition.  

 

Your real choices are to marry her or let her go. 

 

Sorry.

[carmel34 3,647]

11 hours ago, ActiveBarStool said:

I guess I'm just lost, because somewhere in my heart of hearts I don't think she could be the mother of my children, but I want to have a future with her, yet I don't want to lead her on to thinking I'd definitely marry her one day.

Unfortunately there's no "dating visa," where she could stay in the US while you decide whether or not to get married.  Work visas and student visas are unlikely to be approved given the details you've shared about her situation, so when her J-1 visa expires she'll have to leave, either back to Brazil, or some other country where she can get legal status such as France which sounds like where she wants to go next anyway.  My advice would be to continue the relationship long distance, with daily messages and video calls, and visit each other as often as you can, assuming she can get a tourist visa to enter the US in the coming years, or you could go visit her in Brazil or France or wherever she is, or a third country for trips together.  That will give you more time, beyond 2021 when she will have to leave, to figure things out together and decide if she is the one for you or not.  A long distance relationship can work temporarily, for a few years, if you spend the time and effort to communicate regularly and spend time together in person frequently, I am saying this based on personal experience, my husband is Brazilian and we married in Brazil and did the CR-1 visa.  Our long-distance relationship worked for two years, now we are together in the US.  Given the doubts you have about your future together, with your Brazilian girlfriend, I would urge caution in spending a lot of money to support her at this point in time.  Brazilians tend to be very good at exploiting Americans for financial gain, only to dump them later.  Let her work out her own future, where she wants to live and her career are her responsibility anyway.  If your relationship develops to the point where you are both ready to make the commitment to get married, then you can petition for her to come back to the US on a K-1 or CR-1 visa.  Good luck!

Edited August 11, 2020 by carmel34

[laylalex 7,293]

Some fantastic advice here but I have to say, if I were the OP's girlfriend and saw him writing about me as someone he could see a future with, but didn't want to marry and couldn't see me as the mother of his children despite this future... I'd need to have a serious talk with him. Even if I didn't want kids. Everyone needs to be on the same page.

 

OP, you don't sound ready to make a commitment to this woman, which is fine. It actually seems like you're aware of this, which is even better. Enjoy your time together for what it is, and explore the ways you can maintain the connection at a distance. It may be you want to marry her eventually, and then the K1 and CR1 visas will be an option. But right now be happy with the lovely relationship you do have. You never know what will happen in the future.  

[Ontarkie 14,324]

I'm with Laylalex, If I was her and saw what you wrote you would be yesterdays news. 

 

If you are not ready that is fine and you should not be pushed into something you are not ready for. If a long distance relationship is not something you want or you to move  then stop this now. Don't keep stringing her along until you feel like maybe you can move forward. She has plans why ruin her plans so you can have fun for awhile.

 

When a man says he can't see a woman as his kids mother it's never going to change. If you care about her let her go and find someone who would fit your idea of being your children's mother.  Allow her the decency to follow her dreams and not give it all up. 

[Boiler 45,784]

Let her move on and find someone more suited.

[igoyougoduke 1,663]

Relax bro, she has no intentions of staying in US while you are dreaming away white picket fence , wife, 4 kids and 2 dogs.  Sounds like you are dreaming. Wake up ! 

 

Just saying she has her priorities but you seem to be lost like she is the only woman on this planet 

[JFH 12,190]

If the host family are prepared to support her for a student visa (and that’s a very generous offer) I hope they are not expecting some form of “au-pairing” (if that’s even a word) from her in return. There are strict rules regarding off-campus work for student visa holders. Even watching the kids and doing the dishes for the people whose home you live in would be considered work, especially if it is done in return for something with a financial value (free lodgings, school fees, etc). 

Edited August 12, 2020 by JFH