Aos k1

[Chidang 8]

1 minute ago, Jorgedig said:

OP,  if he is reluctant to even take care of his baby's medical insurance, do you think he would agree to letting you take the baby abroad to your home country?  Unfortunately, some men feel relieved to be 'freed' from responsibility.   It may not be a great financial move, but I was thinking more about your stress and sense of well-being.

I'm trying to be strong right now for our baby. Last night i was so upset i thought about slitting my wrist. I'm just so drained both emotionally and mentally. I sincerely don't know what next steps to take. His mom is caring for us now but she's nearing retirement so we can't depend on her either. I need to start planning for us. I feel so helpless to my situation. Divorce isn't far from my mind but then again i might not be granted custody, i can't be separated from our baby.

[onek 306]

1 hour ago, Chidang said:

I'm trying to be strong right now for our baby. Last night i was so upset i thought about slitting my wrist. I'm just so drained both emotionally and mentally. I sincerely don't know what next steps to take. His mom is caring for us now but she's nearing retirement so we can't depend on her either. I need to start planning for us. I feel so helpless to my situation. Divorce isn't far from my mind but then again i might not be granted custody, i can't be separated from our baby.

You should definitely get shelter and be under supervision with so stress and such extreme suicidal thoughts.  

Please stay strong. Not only for you, but also for the baby. 

[Chidang 8]

1 hour ago, onek said:

You should definitely get shelter and be under supervision with so stress and such extreme suicidal thoughts.  

Please stay strong. Not only for you, but also for the baby. 

Thank you

[Bluelake1 2]

2 hours ago, Chidang said:

I actually appreciate your insight on this issue. You're right about the possibility of separation/abandonment anxiety. It's very obvious even in his statements he has made to me on several occasions. As for getting help, he has had rehabilitation so many times during the course of our marriage to the point where going to the er for emergency detox is like going grocery shopping. We have debt collectors calling we're totally in collections now. I know he needs support but i need to protect our child from the damages this could impact on him psychologically, I'm trying to do this by being the stable parent. I can't do much in mu situation because we all depend on him.

I’m glad to help if I can. Now you have noticed an important factor, is short his multiple rehab attempts, Er often are not really helpful, like they send them back without really in-depth accurate help: it only means he’s caught up in this system which may have increased his issue. Tell him that: it’s not all his fault given he appears to have tried many times. Now once this is established, where we go from there? What that means is to search for different approaches, not in a full dysfunctional health care system, which is obviously in crisis itself. You observation about Er is remarkable: a grocery store objectifying people, etc. With  his insurances it’s a good thing to search some private psych professionals competent - this must be verified- and with experience in such complex cases . His abandonment fears can be used to motivate him and create a strong bond with the professional, bc such strong attachment is needed for him to hold tight to work through the difficult steps- also he may also have to repair what the incompetent rehab places created. You may support him at that distance which is perfect for your safety and get all the help from the grand ma until you get also help and fix your situation. I would reassure lots that you’re there for him and stay in touch as much as you can and tolerate him fir him to get help / search together , share about choice of the good professional. Under one condition, he must be sober - I said calm to be tactful- when he addresses to you, he must regain the sense of responsibility for his issue and know that you take care of the infant and yourself until then. You know better if it’s worth trying given you both appear to love each other, or maybe things changed for you which is understandable. Also believe he has to share and talk with you deeply about what had happened which is also a good thing and help him to progress- he won’t feel abandoned ( am thinking if his crisis is not related to the baby, some fragile men feel abandoned when a baby arrives) so if it makes sense he needs to be reassured fir him to concentrate to get the right help. And get well do he can be a reliable  provider . 

[Bluelake1 2]

Sent him pics of the baby, let him talk to the baby so that he bonds and motivate him to be more responsible. Concrete contact may help him. You include him in this and he’ll feel less abandoned . He was in lalaland while the baby was emerging, time for him to catch up :). That doesn’t mean you don’t need to heal either just the opposite. 

[Cathi 5,755]

27 minutes ago, Bluelake1 said:

Sent him pics of the baby, let him talk to the baby so that he bonds and motivate him to be more responsible. Concrete contact may help him. You include him in this and he’ll feel less abandoned . He was in lalaland while the baby was emerging, time for him to catch up :). That doesn’t mean you don’t need to heal either just the opposite. 

The man is an addict, sending him pictures and talking to the baby won't do a thing. The only thing that will help him is if he stops drinking.

[Bluelake1 2]

7 minutes ago, Cathi said:

The man is an addict, sending him pictures and talking to the baby won't do a thing. The only thing that will help him is if he stops drinking.

He tried , don’t think you read previous post, with op we are in a different dimension. 

[Bluelake1 2]

3 hours ago, Chidang said:

I'm trying to be strong right now for our baby. Last night i was so upset i thought about slitting my wrist. I'm just so drained both emotionally and mentally. I sincerely don't know what next steps to take. His mom is caring for us now but she's nearing retirement so we can't depend on her either. I need to start planning for us. I feel so helpless to my situation. Divorce isn't far from my mind but then again i might not be granted custody, i can't be separated from our baby.

I don’t want you get harmed, you and not good for the baby. Ok to have the thoughts but don’t act out on them. He already hurt you. Only means you need to step back take a few days off from all these worries, take a long bath, rest lots. If possible find some good counseling, ppl who are safe and light to talk with, etc. 

[Darlyn25 2]

This breaks my heart reading that you had to go through this and with child is even more unthinkable. 

 

I am glad you decided to end it and moving . 

Just FYI. Not sure if you know this yet, https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-and-parents

Possible something there can help you in the AOS process. 

[Chidang 8]

4 hours ago, Bluelake1 said:

I’m glad to help if I can. Now you have noticed an important factor, is short his multiple rehab attempts, Er often are not really helpful, like they send them back without really in-depth accurate help: it only means he’s caught up in this system which may have increased his issue. Tell him that: it’s not all his fault given he appears to have tried many times. Now once this is established, where we go from there? What that means is to search for different approaches, not in a full dysfunctional health care system, which is obviously in crisis itself. You observation about Er is remarkable: a grocery store objectifying people, etc. With  his insurances it’s a good thing to search some private psych professionals competent - this must be verified- and with experience in such complex cases . His abandonment fears can be used to motivate him and create a strong bond with the professional, bc such strong attachment is needed for him to hold tight to work through the difficult steps- also he may also have to repair what the incompetent rehab places created. You may support him at that distance which is perfect for your safety and get all the help from the grand ma until you get also help and fix your situation. I would reassure lots that you’re there for him and stay in touch as much as you can and tolerate him fir him to get help / search together , share about choice of the good professional. Under one condition, he must be sober - I said calm to be tactful- when he addresses to you, he must regain the sense of responsibility for his issue and know that you take care of the infant and yourself until then. You know better if it’s worth trying given you both appear to love each other, or maybe things changed for you which is understandable. Also believe he has to share and talk with you deeply about what had happened which is also a good thing and help him to progress- he won’t feel abandoned ( am thinking if his crisis is not related to the baby, some fragile men feel abandoned when a baby arrives) so if it makes sense he needs to be reassured fir him to concentrate to get the right help. And get well do he can be a reliable  provider . 

Hmm it's good advice thank you. However, the rehabs he has gone to had helped him become sober, years at a time. Also he was doing so goof that he became a sponsor and a mentor to others. He claims marriage and a baby was too much stress for him and caused a relapse. I'd like to support him which I've tried doing so many times but now I'm actually tired. I didn't get support when i was pregnant, I'm still very hurt that he didn't show up for our baby's birth. I know he needs help but i need help too as i obviously can't count on him to support our family. I realize that while he gets help we need to be able to survive but I'm incapacitated as i don't know what the future holds.

[Chidang 8]

4 hours ago, Bluelake1 said:

Sent him pics of the baby, let him talk to the baby so that he bonds and motivate him to be more responsible. Concrete contact may help him. You include him in this and he’ll feel less abandoned . He was in lalaland while the baby was emerging, time for him to catch up :). That doesn’t mean you don’t need to heal either just the opposite. 

I have done that. Most times I'd initiate video calls with our baby and send him baby pictures. He'd just say he misses us and that's where it ends

[Chidang 8]

3 hours ago, Darlyn25 said:

This breaks my heart reading that you had to go through this and with child is even more unthinkable. 

 

I am glad you decided to end it and moving . 

Just FYI. Not sure if you know this yet, https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-and-parents

Possible something there can help you in the AOS process. 

Thank you I'll look into this

4 hours ago, Bluelake1 said:

I don’t want you get harmed, you and not good for the baby. Ok to have the thoughts but don’t act out on them. He already hurt you. Only means you need to step back take a few days off from all these worries, take a long bath, rest lots. If possible find some good counseling, ppl who are safe and light to talk with, etc. 

Thank you. I have started counselling

[Lucky2Lucky 2,526]

1 hour ago, Chidang said:

Hmm it's good advice thank you. However, the rehabs he has gone to had helped him become sober, years at a time. Also he was doing so goof that he became a sponsor and a mentor to others. He claims marriage and a baby was too much stress for him and caused a relapse. I'd like to support him which I've tried doing so many times but now I'm actually tired. I didn't get support when i was pregnant, I'm still very hurt that he didn't show up for our baby's birth. I know he needs help but i need help too as i obviously can't count on him to support our family. I realize that while he gets help we need to be able to survive but I'm incapacitated as i don't know what the future holds.

You need to decide if you want this person in you and your child’s life. He sounds more than an alcoholic but an abuser as well. I understand you want him to get help but now that you have a child your child and your safety (as the only caregiver for the child) is the only thing that matters. Sign your child up for Medicaid- you can do that online and don’t need his consent. Since the child is a US citizen there is no issue. It sounds that your marriage broke down FAST as he needed to apply for AOS within 90 days of your arrival. As far as immigration if he chooses to not submit the paperwork you have no legal status to stay. Think about filing for divorce and move on with your life. He not only hurt you but potentially the child child while in your womb! A judge that grants him custody needs his head straightened out. You have ample evidence that he hasn’t cared for the child AND refusing to sign the child up for health insurance I am wondering if this would be considered medical neglect. 
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help themselves. They need to want to change and take the initiative to get help. Hospital ED detox units or ERs are only to get them safely detoxed- I would highly imagine they provided him resources that are in network with his insurance but it’s not the hospitals job to get him to the facility or follow up care. He needs to do that himself. Now if he admitted harm to himself or others he could be involuntary committed to a psych hospital but that would address his psych needs- ultimately not his SA issues which need long time care. 
You are in a hard spot and I feel for you. You are extremely lucky his mother is there to support you both. You really need to think of the other you want for your child and start there.

[Bluelake1 2]

Ok for some reason  I misunderstood. If he has rehabs that had helped him and you in  counseling then that’s great. The why he wasn’t there at birth, etc he told you,. All these are for the counseling place. (Why he can’t have a relationship with baby, and so on ) and essentially the dynamic of his violence, impact on you 

Here is for you to get support  about papers if you decided anything and counseling is to help make such decisions, I think

 

 

[Georgia16 2,858]

3 hours ago, Luckycuds said:

You need to decide if you want this person in you and your child’s life. He sounds more than an alcoholic but an abuser as well. I understand you want him to get help but now that you have a child your child and your safety (as the only caregiver for the child) is the only thing that matters. Sign your child up for Medicaid- you can do that online and don’t need his consent. Since the child is a US citizen there is no issue. It sounds that your marriage broke down FAST as he needed to apply for AOS within 90 days of your arrival. As far as immigration if he chooses to not submit the paperwork you have no legal status to stay. Think about filing for divorce and move on with your life. He not only hurt you but potentially the child child while in your womb! A judge that grants him custody needs his head straightened out. You have ample evidence that he hasn’t cared for the child AND refusing to sign the child up for health insurance I am wondering if this would be considered medical neglect. 
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help themselves. They need to want to change and take the initiative to get help. Hospital ED detox units or ERs are only to get them safely detoxed- I would highly imagine they provided him resources that are in network with his insurance but it’s not the hospitals job to get him to the facility or follow up care. He needs to do that himself. Now if he admitted harm to himself or others he could be involuntary committed to a psych hospital but that would address his psych needs- ultimately not his SA issues which need long time care. 
You are in a hard spot and I feel for you. You are extremely lucky his mother is there to support you both. You really need to think of the other you want for your child and start there.

Just have to be married within 90 days not AOS.

 

OP - What does his mother say to all of this and the way he behaves? I would look into AOS by yourself.