Aos k1

[Chidang 8]

Hello vj i need help!

I got married last year and at first it was good, he was the love of my life. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I started to plan my life around him. We got married in the states and soon after my husband relapsed into drinking. He had told me he had been clean for 8yeara which i found out was a lie. One night he was so delirious and started accusing me of cheating on him and he slapped me twice across my face. Earlier in the day we had been on the and i was holding my phone he started to ask me to drop my phone and focus on him. I was upset with him that's why i was with my phone on the bed as a means of escape. I turned the other way because i saw that he was about to start his drama. He kept using his body and legs to push me over until i rolled out of bed and fell flat on my back i laid there for a couple minutes just stunned! He didn't mind that i was pregnant, i was maybe two or three months pregnant at this time. He got up and stood over me after i didn't get up for about 5minutes when i saw him i got scared as i didn't know what he wanted to do. I started to kick him off and hid myself in a closet i was crying so much i threw my rings at him when he said that he was sorry. I finally got out of the closet and made to pack my suitcase because i wanted to leave. That same night was when the cheating accusations started and he slapped me twice across the face and called me all manner of horrible names. That's when my misery started everytime I'd try to get him to do my aos there's always one excuse. He drank and relapsed so many times to the point where he wouldn't take me to the hospital to do a much needed scan because of insurance. After about 26weeks pregnant we didn't go to the hospital anymore his mom came and took me to go stay with his family after i called her one day to tell her that he had raised a chair up so high with me sitting on it and he let the chair crash down hard on the floor. I was 38 weeks at this point. She's been the one caring for me and the baby as he has never contributed to our welfare. He didn't even show up for his child's birth. He'd been lying about everything from finance to paperwork. At this point I'm mentally and emotionally tortured I'm writing this because i considered slitting my wrist last night. I know i need help. He keeps saying that he loves me but he does the opposite. He says he'll kill himself and I'd have to go back to my country with our baby. He has told me this so many times everytime i try to confront his behavior and He also keeps mentioning that I'd get his pension and all making it seem as if i was after the money or something. It's such a foolish thing to say because i knew him even when he was a valet and didn't have anything. We together planned our lives together and he was hustling now that his career seems more straightforward he's just ruining our marriage and acting irresponsible. It's clear to me that he has chosen the bottle over me. I honestly want to be able to work to care for myself and our child. I'm at this point both emotionally and mentally tired. I feel cheated. He didn't even show up for his child's birth and have only seen our baby once and that once was a horrible visit because he wasn't emotionally connected at all and I even had to pretty much beg him to come visit. Our child's pediatrician called to say that all the medical claims was denied, i called and found out that he didn't register our baby under his medical benefits so our baby is not covered, my husband is in construction,. Someone from the benefits office was going to help us back date it to the birth date, we were given a form to fill but my husband's signature was needed, he was so reluctant to sign it, he dragged it until we couldn't submit in time for the appeal. Our baby is 5 months old now . i don't know what to do. I feel caged and unable to protect our baby from this whole emotional turmoil. It's been almost a year and 6months now and i don't have any identification whatsoever and he just won't do it even when all i meed now is his 6months paystub and letter from employers stating his yearly income, I've done everything else myself but he just won't do his part. I'm so tired!

[b911 16]

Sorry to hear about your tragedy. It’s clear marriage is not working. If it was me, I would just fly back to my country. USA is not everything. Sometimes it’s better to be in your country around your people.

[JFH 12,190]

*~*~*moved from “AOS from K visas” to “effects of major family changes” as this is a divorce/possible VAWA topic*~*~*

[JFH 12,190]

The most important thing is that you and the baby are somewhere safe from this violent man.  I’m not sure where you are staying now? With him or with his family? 
 

Leaving the country is not so simple because the child is a USC and the law heavily protects the interests of the USC parent (obviously) in these circumstances. Don’t leave the country with the baby without permission or you could find yourself with an international kidnapping charge. 
 

You really need to look at divorcing this man and focusing on your happiness and your child’s happiness. 

[Bluelake1 2]

Wow, that’s a lasting traumatic experience for both you and the baby. So sorry !! What do you want, is 1 st thing. I agree safety comes first. Then figure out if you want a divorce and/or think to find means to help him get help. Either an intervention to get in rehab or other forms of psych which would help him. Or restraining order if he can’t control himself, bc now as he acted out - became physical- that needs not to be tolerated anymore. 

There are various ways to make him get help, make reparation and get back to his responsibilities to take care of you and baby. 

Learn the few steps in addiction and in which stage he is, he may know better given he had relapsed. Must work trough the why he relapsed with a psych. No need to be insufferable and violent if he relapsed. So these may be some ideas if you don’t decide for a divorce and don’t stop searching for help, you’re 2 now

[Chidang 8]

27 minutes ago, JFH said:

The most important thing is that you and the baby are somewhere safe from this violent man.  I’m not sure where you are staying now? With him or with his family? 
 

Leaving the country is not so simple because the child is a USC and the law heavily protects the interests of the USC parent (obviously) in these circumstances. Don’t leave the country with the baby without permission or you could find yourself with an international kidnapping charge. 
 

You really need to look at divorcing this man and focusing on your happiness and your child’s happiness. 

If i chose to divorce him how will i care for our baby?

I can't even take my baby back with me if i want because he doesn't have a passport and getting one requires my husband's signature which I'm pretty sure he won't sign. I left everything back home so it is essentially starting from scratch add to it i can't bear separation from my child.

[Chidang 8]

1 hour ago, b911 said:

Sorry to hear about your tragedy. It’s clear marriage is not working. If it was me, I would just fly back to my country. USA is not everything. Sometimes it’s better to be in your country around your people.

So much better. I had my family and my thriving business which i had to put a stop to because i was in the states and couldn't legally work

[Chidang 8]

10 minutes ago, Bluelake1 said:

Wow, that’s a lasting traumatic experience for both you and the baby. So sorry !! What do you want, is 1 st thing. I agree safety comes first. Then figure out if you want a divorce and/or think to find means to help him get help. Either an intervention to get in rehab or other forms of psych which would help him. Or restraining order if he can’t control himself, bc now as he acted out - became physical- that needs not to be tolerated anymore. 

There are various ways to make him get help, make reparation and get back to his responsibilities to take care of you and baby. 

Learn the few steps in addiction and in which stage he is, he may know better given he had relapsed. Must work trough the why he relapsed with a psych. No need to be insufferable and violent if he relapsed. So these may be some ideas if you don’t decide for a divorce and don’t stop searching for help, you’re 2 now

True i recognize that he'll be needing help. I just don't think is fair that he can keep me abandoned and uncared for yet won't enable to care for our family either. He keeps relapsing and lying about it

[Chidang 8]

55 minutes ago, JFH said:

*~*~*moved from “AOS from K visas” to “effects of major family changes” as this is a divorce/possible VAWA topic*~*~*

What's the link for that please?

[JFH 12,190]

18 minutes ago, Chidang said:

What's the link for that please?

I moved it for you already. 

[JFH 12,190]

38 minutes ago, Chidang said:

If i chose to divorce him how will i care for our baby?

I can't even take my baby back with me if i want because he doesn't have a passport and getting one requires my husband's signature which I'm pretty sure he won't sign. I left everything back home so it is essentially starting from scratch add to it i can't bear separation from my child.

As part of the divorce settlement and ruling, the judge will decide how much child support your husband has to provide. How are you supporting yourself now? I assume you are not working. 

[Chidang 8]

2 minutes ago, JFH said:

As part of the divorce settlement and ruling, the judge will decide how much child support your husband has to provide. How are you supporting yourself now? I assume you are not working. 

I stay with his mom in a different state. She's been the one caring for us. Baby food, clothes, accommodation and all. He hasn't sent a cent for anything. He keeps saying he's paying bills, next he said he consolidated our debt only for me to get a call from the hospital saying we owe $6k from my delivery. So there's a 99% chance the consolidation is a lie too. Child support could never be enough as i want to work for myself and plan my future. Child support would just be to supplement the income

9 minutes ago, JFH said:

I moved it for you already. 

Thanks

[Bluelake1 2]

14 minutes ago, Chidang said:

True i recognize that he'll be needing help. I just don't think is fair that he can keep me abandoned and uncared for yet won't enable to care for our family either. He keeps relapsing and lying about it

Yes we all know it’s not fair but an addict with unresolved issues and in crisis is not in same frame of mind like us, it’s where you can learn how this issue works, i. e. the stages. Which will empower you how to intervene. For instance in my op lying means he’s not even at 1 st level. One can get help only if acknowledges  has a problem and is willing to get help, then it’s easier to work through the next steps. 

I don’t  know him - you know him better-but if he gets into paranoia and beats you it’s serious. Worst state of alcoholism is what’s called delusional close to another form of psychosis. So it’s important you stay safe and know how to deal with him. I would opt for the Hope mode, create boundaries while you support him in opening the topic if possible for him to get help. By boundaries I mean something like: we can talk only when you are calmed down, call me then. I don’t want to separate you from your child nor divorce you - he has separation/ abandonment anxieties- but we make a pact : you get help and I’ll support you. Tell him to do that for our baby who needs a dad and will be proud of his dad who worked hard to work through his issues. Don’t know, give him example of Nicole Kidman’s husband who was quite a mess with his addiction. And relapse is part of the addiction until he learns how to take care of it by himself. 

As for you he must know clearly you have to get help too and it’s out of the question you’ll tolerate any type of abuse and you have to mean it and know what to do if he doesn’t respect this crucial boundary. 

Oh this is long but hope it helps a bit. 

[Chidang 8]

1 hour ago, Bluelake1 said:

Yes we all know it’s not fair but an addict with unresolved issues and in crisis is not in same frame of mind like us, it’s where you can learn how this issue works, i. e. the stages. Which will empower you how to intervene. For instance in my op lying means he’s not even at 1 st level. One can get help only if acknowledges  has a problem and is willing to get help, then it’s easier to work through the next steps. 

I don’t  know him - you know him better-but if he gets into paranoia and beats you it’s serious. Worst state of alcoholism is what’s called delusional close to another form of psychosis. So it’s important you stay safe and know how to deal with him. I would opt for the Hope mode, create boundaries while you support him in opening the topic if possible for him to get help. By boundaries I mean something like: we can talk only when you are calmed down, call me then. I don’t want to separate you from your child nor divorce you - he has separation/ abandonment anxieties- but we make a pact : you get help and I’ll support you. Tell him to do that for our baby who needs a dad and will be proud of his dad who worked hard to work through his issues. Don’t know, give him example of Nicole Kidman’s husband who was quite a mess with his addiction. And relapse is part of the addiction until he learns how to take care of it by himself. 

As for you he must know clearly you have to get help too and it’s out of the question you’ll tolerate any type of abuse and you have to mean it and know what to do if he doesn’t respect this crucial boundary. 

Oh this is long but hope it helps a bit. 

I actually appreciate your insight on this issue. You're right about the possibility of separation/abandonment anxiety. It's very obvious even in his statements he has made to me on several occasions. As for getting help, he has had rehabilitation so many times during the course of our marriage to the point where going to the er for emergency detox is like going grocery shopping. We have debt collectors calling we're totally in collections now. I know he needs support but i need to protect our child from the damages this could impact on him psychologically, I'm trying to do this by being the stable parent. I can't do much in mu situation because we all depend on him.

[SalishSea 17,833]

OP,  if he is reluctant to even take care of his baby's medical insurance, do you think he would agree to letting you take the baby abroad to your home country?  Unfortunately, some men feel relieved to be 'freed' from responsibility.   It may not be a great financial move, but I was thinking more about your stress and sense of well-being.