I’ve been here almost 2 years and I’m so unhappy

[NicolaBolton87 161]

I felt like this was the only place I could really vocalize this, as we’ve all been through the same life changing move.

 

I moved from a small town in Somerset, UK in August 2018, so this August I will have been living in america for 2 years. I’m as depressed now as I was when I first moved out here. And I feel so angry at myself because I landed my dream job as an interior designer, I have a beautiful house, a perfect dog.. and on paper I have the life I always dreamed of. But I’m so unhappy. After all this time I still feel like an outsider. I don’t feel like I belong here or fit in. For some reason people don’t understand me half the time and it’s not like I have a particular accent. I miss England. A lot. I miss familiarity and I guess the feeling of being part of a community. It’s probably also worth mentioning that my husband and I have been having a lot of issues on and off since I moved out here so I feel completely alone. I don’t feel connected to him or like we’re in the same level in any way. So that doesn’t help.

 

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for by posting this here. Just.. understanding, I suppose.

 

Thank you for reading ❤️ 

[aratamorne 165]

My wife has been here 4 years and there are times she feels similarly.  You sound like you got a good start, but this is an entirely new country, new way of life, new home, surroundings, people to meet, etc.  It will take time and patience for everything to fall into place.  That goes for your husband as well, you came over on a K-1 like my wife, so no living together, getting to know each others habits and quirks, those little things that pop up after a while that you don't notice when it is all long distance, etc, so of course there will be issues.  Add to that the lovely last 2-3 months of COVID and it builds up even more, because there are fewer outlets.  

 

Stick with it, work with your husband on the issues.  My wife once told me something that sticks with me everyday.... even if there is some "bad", you cannot just love and accept the "good", you have to love all of it.  This doesn't mean we have to like everything, but accept that there will be bad things about each other we don't like but it will not stop us from being together and loving each other.  As an example, I am OCD about my kitchen knife set that I have had for almost 20 years now, and I almost lost it the first time she dropped the pairing knife point first in the sink.  We still do things that the other thinks is weird, bad, or just plain annoying, but this is just like any marriage, the longer together the more you learn about each other, you just did not get to get past the honeymoon stage by living together before getting married, so there is that much more to learn about each other and accept.

 

Good luck, you can make it.

[onek 306]

5 hours ago, NicolaBolton87 said:

I felt like this was the only place I could really vocalize this, as we’ve all been through the same life changing move.

 

I moved from a small town in Somerset, UK in August 2018, so this August I will have been living in america for 2 years. I’m as depressed now as I was when I first moved out here. And I feel so angry at myself because I landed my dream job as an interior designer, I have a beautiful house, a perfect dog.. and on paper I have the life I always dreamed of. But I’m so unhappy. After all this time I still feel like an outsider. I don’t feel like I belong here or fit in. For some reason people don’t understand me half the time and it’s not like I have a particular accent. I miss England. A lot. I miss familiarity and I guess the feeling of being part of a community. It’s probably also worth mentioning that my husband and I have been having a lot of issues on and off since I moved out here so I feel completely alone. I don’t feel connected to him or like we’re in the same level in any way. So that doesn’t help.

 

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for by posting this here. Just.. understanding, I suppose.

 

Thank you for reading ❤️ 

Sorry to hear that. It does take some time to get adjusted in a new country after leaving the country where you grew up, had memories and friends.  Don’t give up, stay positive, keep yourself busy, do things that you like to do and make new friends. Hope things get better for you.  

[Lil bear 4,283]

5 hours ago, NicolaBolton87 said:

I felt like this was the only place I could really vocalize this, as we’ve all been through the same life changing move.

 

I moved from a small town in Somerset, UK in August 2018, so this August I will have been living in america for 2 years. I’m as depressed now as I was when I first moved out here. And I feel so angry at myself because I landed my dream job as an interior designer, I have a beautiful house, a perfect dog.. and on paper I have the life I always dreamed of. But I’m so unhappy. After all this time I still feel like an outsider. I don’t feel like I belong here or fit in. For some reason people don’t understand me half the time and it’s not like I have a particular accent. I miss England. A lot. I miss familiarity and I guess the feeling of being part of a community. It’s probably also worth mentioning that my husband and I have been having a lot of issues on and off since I moved out here so I feel completely alone. I don’t feel connected to him or like we’re in the same level in any way. So that doesn’t help.

 

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for by posting this here. Just.. understanding, I suppose.

 

Thank you for reading ❤️ 

You’ve made a lot of changes .. a whole lot .. each one in their own would be challenging .. but you’ve probably done most of the top 10 stress inducing life changes in the last 2 years 

I’d encourage you to consider seeing a counsellor for some support in working through   your own thoughts and feeling first ..  .. and to assist you to come up with strategies to see some changes in a few key areas first. Often when so much is at odds it’s hard  to see where to even start. A key may be your marriage relationship .. it’s the reason why you have made all the other changes .. that relationship can make all the other changes worth doing.. or it can make them all not worth the sacrifice. The first few years of marriage .. even without the other big changes.. are hard  work  ... and reaching out for help is a sign of strength not weakness.   I hope the journey ahead gets better for you .. whatever way you decide to go . 

[TBoneTX 45,845]

Your feelings are quite natural.

 

Even people who are acutely aware that they'll experience homesickness can be slammed with it, because just when you think you've gotten almost everything figured out, something happens to change that.

 

We Colonists can be inscrutable sometimes.  Just keep circulating among us until you find folks to whom you relate and who understand you*.

 

*As a potential activity, practice learning to speak in Texas dialect, and several other dialects.  When someone can't understand your usual dialect, switch to one of these.

[yoda one for me 322]

8 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

*As a potential activity, practice learning to speak in Texas dialect, and several other dialects.  When someone can't understand your usual dialect, switch to one of these.

This is good advice. You don't have to feel that you're giving up your identity by adopting the accent & dialect - you can still speak your natural way at home after all I lived in the US as a kid and after being mistaken for an Aussie all the time with my Lancashire accent I switched to a generic American accent for school & socialising and I blended right in. That helped me feel a lot less like an outsider. 

 

I would also suggest @NicolaBolton87 that you look into some therapy sessions - solo for you to help you with the feelings you're having, and also couples therapy to help you and your husband work through whatever issues you've been having and feel connected again. A neutral outsider could be really helpful to figure out a way forward. Even in these lockdown times, you should be able to find a therapist who will do remote video-call sessions. Good luck!

 

 

Edited May 9, 2020 by yoda one for me

[IndigoFlowers 130]

I've been here for over a year now and things just feel progressively worse! I definitely understand what you mean.. I moved from central Canada to Florida in Feb 2019  - I miss everything familiar, I miss my job back up north, I miss my friends and family, I miss seeing the places that I grew up seeing, I miss a lot of things. I'm not sure why, but most people I know here are constantly talking about how I am different, I never even felt all that different until I started getting the consistent comments pointing out that I am not American, pointing out the different words I use, and things I would talk about! It's very ignorant comments too, I have been told to forget the Canadian flag, that I have lost my Canadian citizenship because I have a garden here (I really don't understand this one, Canadians also garden 🙃), and that I shouldn't want to visit "home" because America is my home now. I'm sick of everything. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into when I moved here, and my husband is 100% against moving to Canada. I've never really felt so depressed or alone in my entire life.   

 

It definitely doesn't help when having issues with your spouse - my husband and I have tossed around the idea of counselling but haven't made any steps to do it. Anyways, all of this to say, I hear you, I understand, this is hard, and know what you're talking about. 💓

 

[Liam2021 587]

After Vietnam war( 1975), my uncle come to US as a refugee by sailboat. He has nothing: no house, no car, no job, and no English, but he not give up. He learn English, working 2-3 jobs, and go to school . Hard work pay off, he graduate with Master degree in EE. His child, one is a nurse and one is computer engineer right now. As you can see, life is just a matter of choice, just doing your best and one day it will pay off.

Edited May 10, 2020 by H&T

[NikLR 13,231]

I understand.  I miss home. Yes where I grew up will always be "home" even though i have made a home here too.  Undoubtedly I have caused some of my own issues of feeling outcast but it's okay too, because I'd rather be me, than conform.  

I also suggest counseling if at least for you.  Since Ive moved I've developed anxiety and serious depression. Sometimes the only thing keeping me through a day is remembering I have people who love me.  Counseling helps though. 

Fyi Ive been here since 2013. 

[yuna628 9,697]

On 5/8/2020 at 4:42 PM, NicolaBolton87 said:

I felt like this was the only place I could really vocalize this, as we’ve all been through the same life changing move.

 

I moved from a small town in Somerset, UK in August 2018, so this August I will have been living in america for 2 years. I’m as depressed now as I was when I first moved out here. And I feel so angry at myself because I landed my dream job as an interior designer, I have a beautiful house, a perfect dog.. and on paper I have the life I always dreamed of. But I’m so unhappy. After all this time I still feel like an outsider. I don’t feel like I belong here or fit in. For some reason people don’t understand me half the time and it’s not like I have a particular accent. I miss England. A lot. I miss familiarity and I guess the feeling of being part of a community. It’s probably also worth mentioning that my husband and I have been having a lot of issues on and off since I moved out here so I feel completely alone. I don’t feel connected to him or like we’re in the same level in any way. So that doesn’t help.

 

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for by posting this here. Just.. understanding, I suppose.

 

Thank you for reading ❤️ 

It is unfortunately unrealistic to suppose that even though the two countries communicate with the same English language, that the use of that language, customs, and lifestyle is the same. We don't tend to communicate or have mannerisms even in the same way. A lot of persons come here with those expectations and find themselves shocked and disappointed. For some, they will never truly feel that they belong, and why should they afterall - they should be proud and belonging of where they came from? But that is not to say that they cannot find happiness or normalcy. To help this it is critical for the American spouse to provide that support and guidance the immigrant needs. It sounds like you have a decent life, so what is missing? Well, you've pointed out one glaring issue and that is the American spouse is being the source of some issues and I suspect that is actually the crux of the problem. If there was a connection enough to marry him and move across an entire ocean, giving up your life - what has caused the lack of connection now? 

 

As for the accent thing, it's common. My husband had been coming to the states for years or so before he moved here permanently to be with me. To me, he always sounds the same, with the odd waffling inflection here or there of our regional accent creeping into play. He tells me though he has had to flatten his accent overall to be able to communicate well with coworkers and employees. I have always stressed enunciation of words, and pointed out how certain vowel inflections he may use in his accent can sound completely different to an average American ear (he has a very thick and very different accent than an American would typically think a British person would have). The problem with misunderstanding him though, whenever I have personally witnessed it - is a mode an American enters when they have never heard an accent of his type before, or if they have, they are so in awe of it, it is like their brain turns to mush and they treat him like a celebrity. They cannot think of what he has just said because they are too busy trying to process "OMG IT'S A BRITISH PERSON". The tiny window once had for communication is now lost, and that is not the immigrant's fault. There is honestly no good reason to change your accent or try to be someone else other than who you are. Missing the country you come from is normal. We do too. Every single day. I cannot give him back his country or change how things work here even as much as I'd like to. But you need the support of your spouse to help you through those lonely times.

[NikLR 13,231]

FWIW I get teased about my accent and word choices too. 

[TBoneTX 45,845]

Oh, get oot of here.  

[NikLR 13,231]

39 minutes ago, TBoneTX said:

Oh, get oot of here.  

See!