Uprooting kids from their home/school/family for a better job

[Shari 6]

Rebecca's post regarding moving her son to another home prompted me to write and ask for your advice.

My husband got his work permit in January. He has not found a job yet. He is a mechanical engineer who worked in the shipbuilding business in the UK for over 20 years and then worked for another company in the gas/oil industry. We live in Birmingham, Alabama - no shipyards or gas/oil companies here. Keith has primarily focused on staying in B'ham because of my kids. My situation is I have 14-year-old boy/girl twins and a 20-year-old daughter. My divorce decree states the twins will live with me one week and their dad one week. We did this up until this past October when my twin daughter wanted to live Keith and me full-time. Her dad said ok. But then he talked my son into living with him full-time (we are only 1-2 miles from each other so I see my son often). Nothing was changed on the divorce papers - it was a total agreement on our part to make this change. My 20-year-old goes to college and lives with us.

I realize now after almost 2-1/2 months of no job prospects that Keith needs to look outside of Birmingham to get a job that he has experience in and that he would enjoy. If he had to, he was planning on taking a lower paying job until my kids went to college and then start looking for a better paying job and one he would really enjoy outside of Alabama, but I feel gulity now and can't have him sacrafice his career for my kids, though he would and has told me. As I have told him, if I didn't have my kids I would go ANYWHERE with him. So as of yesterday he is now looking outside of Alabama for jobs, but I still feel very torn about my kids. The thing is, my 20-year-old would stay in town and finish college, my son obviously would stay with his dad, but I'm not sure my 14-year-old daughter would leave her friends/school. She does not get along very well with her dad, but once when I just mentioned it in a very non-chalant way, she said she wouldn't move if we did. My ex is moving to a house outside the school district in a week so my son has to put down my address to he can still go to the same school. Not only would I miss my kids terribly if we moved, they would have to go to a different school and the house he is going to rent is only a 3 bedroom and if all 3 kids wanted to stay it would be too small. I would really want my twin daughter to go with Keith and me, but I can't force her, especially if the divorce agreement says we get kids half and half, though as I said we changed that ourselves in October.

I am so torn between leaving my kids but then Keith having a better career opportunity. Has anyone else been in this situation? Do I do what is best for my kids or for myself and my husband? If I left my kids would they hate me and say I abandoned them or chose Keith over them?

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I've heard from family friends who are also engineers (mostly mechanical, soe civil/ee) that there are job opptys in Huntsville, alabama. How true is that and how far is it if true?

[raymaga 25]

I can certainly sympathize with your situation. I felt terribly guilty when I left my 16-year-old daughter in Canada when I came here in 2004. She has now since come to the U.S. too and has her Green Card. I felt like I was choosing my husband over my daughter, even though she never said anything to me about feeling that way.

And I got a lot of negative comments from people like.... "I could never leave my kids for a man".... or "how happy will you possibly be being away from your children just to be with a man".... or "why couldn't you have found a man in Canada so you could stay close to your kids". Those comments hurt the most, because deep down I knew I would probably have felt the same way before I met my husband.

My two sons were 21 and 23 when I moved here, and I still feel guilty about them not having a parent to visit for Sunday dinners and casual visits (their Dad lives on Vancouver Island, so he's out of town as well).

I think if you handle the situation right by talking to your kids and getting their input and making them feel like you want to include them in this big decision, and explain why you need to possibly move away from where you live now, that really helps. Rather than just telling them that you're moving..... that way they might feel like their input isn't taken into consideration. I talked to all my kids and told them that my husband makes me very happy, I really want to be with him, and that means that I will have to move away. My daughter had some early hesitations, but after explaining that I need to be where my husband is.... she seemed to understand. And I reassured her and my sons that I would make every attempt to see them as often as I could.

I know you will find the right answers for your family, and wish you luck in getting to a place where everyone will be happy.

Good luck.

Edited March 28, 2006 by raymaga

[rebeccajo 14]

Well in WV, after age 14 the kids can live with whichever parent they chose. Is it that way in Alabama? If so the parenting plan is out the window anyway.

I don't think 2.5 months is long enough to make that kind of a judgment, Shari. It takes SOOO long to get to the career most of us want. Maybe it's true that you and Keith will have to move eventually for him to get back to his chosen profession, but I don't think 2 months is enough time to judge if he can be HAPPY doing something else. Happiness is, after all, relative...eh?

[gimygirl 0]

this is a really difficult situation ... i would also sit down with all the children son/daughter and older daughter and explain FULLY the situation. maybe keith could explain his position and how he has been unable to find a job in his field, etc. he hasn't been here that long and there may be other options that he could explore. have you consulted with any 'headhunters'??

ask them what suggestions they may have at this time. keith has already said that he will wait until the twins finish school ... that's only 4 more years. i know you may feel guilty but he loves you and has made that offer. you need to weigh which is more heartbreaking for you ... your husband taking a lower paying job out of his field or not seeing your children on a regular basis?

[Shari 6]

I've heard from family friends who are also engineers (mostly mechanical, soe civil/ee) that there are job opptys in Huntsville, alabama. How true is that and how far is it if true?

The major setback with Huntsville is so many of the jobs are government jobs (Redstone Aresenal, NASA) that require you to be a U.S. citizen. Some of the others up there require a B.S. degree in Engineering. Though Keith has worked as an engineer for over 20 years, he went through an apprenticeship when he was 16. He has no "degree". He ended up with the title Senior Weapons Commissioning Engineer, but that means nothing to a lot of the firms in the U.S. we have been told. By the way, Huntsville is only 2 hours away and Keith has sent off resumes up there.

[rebeccajo 14]

I feel for you Shari. It's a very similar situation to us. Wes has worked in computer support for 15 or so years. He has an OND and HND in business and an NVQ in computer support. None of this is meaning anything at the moment to employers over here. And we also have the Bureau of Public Debt here - the place is full of PC's but he needs to be a citizen, as you said!

Did you read my thread in Moving to America from this weekend - he just took a job in a grocery store! Talk about a step down. But I can tell you this - I already see him a bit more 'alive'.

It's all so hard. I think if Keith just could find something, almost anything, he would feel better. I really do. Somebody said to us, in our thread, that at the very least he is going to gain a 'domestic' job reference. At the end of the day, that may be worth it's weight in gold.

((hugs))

[Shari 6]

I don't think 2.5 months is long enough to make that kind of a judgment, Shari. It takes SOOO long to get to the career most of us want. Maybe it's true that you and Keith will have to move eventually for him to get back to his chosen profession, but I don't think 2 months is enough time to judge if he can be HAPPY doing something else. Happiness is, after all, relative...eh?

2-1/2 months may not be "long enough" for most people, but we are out of savings and my paycheck does not cover our bills (we have no credit cards or car payments but 3 hungry teenagers in addition to our mouths). We are only surviving this month because we got back an income tax refund, but that won't last much more than a month. The jobs he has been applying for in Birmingham are not jobs he would want to stay with long-term, but again, he will sacrafice if offered a job until my twins finish high school, but he hasn't even been offered one yet so that is why we are starting to look elsewhere, where more jobs requiring his experience are. He has even applied for relatively low paying jobs just to get a job, but has not been offered even one of those. He gets call after call from recruiters and a couple companies that have said he is "over-qualified" for those. It is obvious to most companies that when you are applying for a much lower paying job than what you have had, you are just taking it temporarily until something better comes up. He wants to work. I can't support us. We have to do something, and if looking for a job outside B'ham is an option, I think we have to take it, unless anyone else has another suggestion.

[rebeccajo 14]

Sorry...I didn't mean that bit about the 2.5 months to sound mean. I understand completely what you're going through. More than you can even imagine. I know every paint swirl on my ceiling from laying awake in bed at night.

Edited March 28, 2006 by rebeccajo

[Shari 6]

I feel for you Shari. It's a very similar situation to us. Wes has worked in computer support for 15 or so years. He has an OND and HND in business and an NVQ in computer support. None of this is meaning anything at the moment to employers over here. And we also have the Bureau of Public Debt here - the place is full of PC's but he needs to be a citizen, as you said!

Did you read my thread in Moving to America from this weekend - he just took a job in a grocery store! Talk about a step down. But I can tell you this - I already see him a bit more 'alive'.

It's all so hard. I think if Keith just could find something, almost anything, he would feel better. I really do. Somebody said to us, in our thread, that at the very least he is going to gain a 'domestic' job reference. At the end of the day, that may be worth it's weight in gold.

((hugs))

Rebecca - I was posting my previous reply before you wrote this, but I did see your post yesterday about Wes' new job, and if Keith was offered a job he would take it. Anything would be good for him at this point as he sits on the computer from 8 a.m. to nearly 4:00 every day scouring for jobs. He needs to be working and getting out if to at least meet people and feel productive. But so far, he is not being offered anything or getting calls on lower paying jobs, which also makes him feel bad that he can't get a job a teenager could get because they know it is temporary. You guys had an "in" with your boss so they know and expect Wes to take another job when offered one. We'll just keep on keeping on. There is nothing else we can do. Thanks for the input. This is all such a long and hard process . . . but I wouldn't change things for the world. I absolutely love and adore Keith and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry...I didn't mean that bit about the 2.5 months to sound mean. I understand completely what you're going through. More than you can even imagine.

It was not taken that way at all girl!!! My dad who has been a businessman all his life also agrees 2-1/2 months if not long looking and waiting for a job, but when you don't have the money to pay the bills, 2-1/2 months seems long.

Edited March 28, 2006 by Shari

[rebeccajo 14]

*smile*

I'm glad you understand me then.

I did not know until yesterday that my boss had nothing to do with this. His father and brother knew that I had a man looking for work and that was about the extent of it. My boss even had dinner with his dad Sunday and his dad never mentioned who they had hired. I'm now chalking it up more to our personal sphere of acquaintances than somebody having pity on us - which was what I was actually sort of afraid of.

[Peggy 1]

Well I can say I have been in your position but under different circumstances.

I moved here with my youngest son so that I could spend my life with Roger, but I had to leave my oldest son behind.

This plays on my mind EVERY day, and he is 21.

Do you have any family members that could help you two out until Keith finds something around home?

I mean as in care packages containing food or other other items needed for the girls.

I am thankful for Roger's family becasue I dont think we would have made it thru some tuff times(meaning very little or no money to get us thru the week)

I have been here since May, and just received my EAD card three weeks ago.

I just started my new job on Monday. So I have hope now that things will get better.

So Roger had to support us for 10 months on his income.(there is 6 of us to support in our family)

I can relate to Rebbeca counting the swirls of paint on the ceiling at night worrying about stuff.

This process is so hard on the head.

If you cant get any help from family or friends.

Do what you have to do to survive.

I think that your little girl would go with you.

My youngest made my head spin during this process at home. One minute he was moving with me, one minute he wasnt. I thought I was going to crack up thinking about leaving him behind.

I knew in my heart that he would come with me and he did.

You know your little girl the best. Do you really think she wouldnt want to be with her mom.

I will be praying that Keith hears some good news soon about getting a job.

[ktun 0]

Shari,

I know that you're really struggling financially now, we are too. My husband is unable to work right now and I dont have my EAD yet, the little money have in the account is pouring out on medical bills, and I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen over the next few months. When I get my EAD I think I'll just have to accept anything too just to keep our heads above water!!

Perhaps another factor to consider in your situation would be, if Keith were able to get a good job somewhere else would this bring more long term stability and benefits to your family than you staying where you are now and struggling with him perhaps in a low-paying job?

I know this must be a really hard decision for you to make. I hope whatever you decide works out for you

Kate