How do you decide if putting your child first

[rebeccajo 14]

My son is 17, a junior in high school. He will graduate in May 2007. He's a bright child who will major in music. Wes and I have no money for his college. His father took an account we had set aside for college and claimed it as a marital asset in the divorce - it remains to be seen what will come of that money. My son and ex-husband do not communicate - they never really did. My goal during the divorce was to keep my son in his home and not cause him anymore turbulence. I felt it was important that he have SOME stability. Wes, my son, and I still live in this house. All along my thinking was to stay here until after graduation and then decide if Wes and I wanted to remain here or get our own place.

I'm now not sure we can wait that long to make the decision. Trying to keep the house is draining our resources faster than I had thought. We could sell the house and probably purchase a mobile home with the equity, thereby having a paid-for roof over our heads. There are a lot of reasons this looks better to me than renting or buying another house which I don't feel are relevant to the quandry I post in this thread.

If we do this, I don't know what my son will think. I feel trapped. I tried very hard to put his needs first in this divorce. My divorce decree states that I am to offer the house back to his father first, and my ex inquires of me all the time if I am ready to sell the house yet. I've tried to talk to my son about moving, and he used to say he would go wherever I went - that he did not want to live with his Dad. Now he says he probably would go with us. He makes me feel as if his bedroom and stuff are more important than the family - although I sure as hell wouldn't say that to him.

Am I an idiot? My sister thinks I am. She says that if we move he will get over it. In the meanwhile I'm beginning to feel like I am jeopardizing our financial future for a child who will not even be living here in 18 months.

Now I feel like a bad mother.....*sigh*. Anybody out there with pearls of wisdom?

[TracyTN 237]

Becca. *hugs* What a tough position to be in. Being childless, I'm not the best one to give you this kind of advice. But what I DO know is that no matter what you decide, you will remain the good mother you are now.

[MaryandMian 1]

Rebeccajo I would move for many reasons. Financially, emotionally dealing with the ex and a fresh start for you and Wes are just a few things that came to mind.

First I am sure your having problems financially with the upkeep. If you moved you could maybe down size, or even get a mobile home and not have the worries of a mortgage and if you got enough land you could build to suit your needs later on.

Secondly, as long as your house is loving home I am sure your son will move and adjust. It would be great if you can stay in the same area and let him graduate from his current high school and still have his friends. Teenagers always seem to move away emotionally during these years and it is I guess a phase but they do come back so he may be in his little world now with him saying he might move now.

Just my thoughts and wishing you all the best in whatever you decide.

Mary

[Kez/JWolf 6]

You have to do what is right for you..... Your son will cope with the changes ahead better than you think... Dealing with change is an important part of becoming an adult and I am sure your son will learn from the expirence....

A good leason for all young adults to learn is that they have to live their lives around what they can afford... so by talking to him and telling him why you feel you need to move home and maybe involving him in the process is a good move on your part....

As for him caring about his stuff more than the family.... what young adult does???? they think the world revolves around them....

Good luck with whatever you do

Kezzie

[Fetaria 0]

I think your son is at an age now where he should be able to understand if you make the decision to move. If the house and his room means that much to him offer for him to get a job to help pay for that room. If possible I think do what you can to stay in the same area so that he is able to finish out school there but really, it is just a house. A valuable lesson on the insignificance of material things and the importance of family could be learned here by him. Let him know that at this moment you are living beyond your means and as the head of household you are the one to make the decision on what to do about it. He will respect you for that.

Edited March 28, 2006 by Fetaria

[gimygirl 0]

of course you're not a bad mom!!!!!

i too think that he's of the age where you can sit down with him and explain exactly what's going on and what your thought process is about the future.

try that and see what he says!!

[Dixie_Peach 1]

becca... *HUGE HUGS*

everyone here has given very good advice... i happen to agree with them... the house itself doesn't make the home... it is just a building... yes, that is the only home he has ever known... but, you and your love and support is what makes a home...

talk to him... as others have advised... upfront, honest and straightforward is the best... tendered with love... and you do that already... you show that to us here, and i am sure you show that to your family there... and that love comes shining through... and maybe once you have agreed to move, then sell that home to his dad - thus giving him still the home he has always known... please keep us posted to the progress on this situation... there are those of us with teens (me me me!!!) who can learn from you...

praying for ya girl!

*hugs*

Blessings to you all,

Lynne

[Peikko 1,575]

My two cents...

In my opinion, you would be putting your child first by improving your own long term situation.

There are two things about the current set up that are going to cause you stress and anything that causes the primary carer to be under duress (and financial worries are at the top of the stress list in my opinion) will have a negative impact on the child.

The first stress is the worry that your current housing situation is effectively draining your resources. I do not understand completely how this works, but I am guessing that your income isn't sufficient to cover the total costs of living where you are so you are using some 'savings' to make up the difference. Surely, it can only make sense to end this situation as soon as possible. It may even be possible that in doing so, you are able to start making a contribution to your sons further education by building up more savings. Certainly, the money that your ex husband recieved in the divorce which was intended for your sons education should be viewed as gone. I am sure it is tempting to imagine that somehow, some way your ex will 'come good' and have this amazing turnaround and hand over the money for your son's education. Forget it. If he does, bonus, but plan as though this will never happen.

The second stress is that your ex is still having some 'mind' control over you which may even be a worse stress triger, I don't know. Honestly, he sounds manipulative to me (bear in mind, I only have the information you gave to go on so if this is an unfair judgement I apologise) as I am sure he knows your financial difficulties and the dilema you face. The sooner you get rid of this 'time bomb' over your head the better. Again, I am sure this situation is having a negative impact on your son too.

Ok, now the worry about your son moving out of his familiar surroundings into different accomodation. Naturally, he is not going to want to give up the familiar, particularly if he has lived in that house for a long time. However, it is very hard for any of us to really picture what it will actually be like living somewhere else, let alone a teenager. He may have some 'negative' images of people who don't live in a 'nice' house etc but these are only perceptions, they aren't reality. As someone else said, he will adjust to the new situation and quite honestly I would be suprised if he doesn't see an immediate difference in you if you get rid of these chains you are walking around with.

I agree with the person who said that if you can live in the same general area so he can still be around his friends that would certainly make things easier.

As for if he would change his mind about who he lives with just because of the accomodation, well I somehow doubt that. However, if at some point he does decide to live elsewhere for whatever reason, maybe you should think about letting him get it out of his system? He may need to experience first hand what he would be giving up by not living with you.

I know how hard it is to try to maintain a neutral perspective when dealing with an ex regaring child care and how easy it is to torture yourself with these questions as to what is in the best interests of the child, I live with the same questions. My son is now seven and we haven't lived with his father since he was just over a year old but I still wrestle with these 'child's best interest' dilemas.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your family well and hope everything works out for the best.

[meauxna 15]

r'jo, I agree with Hibiscus' opening statement. Plus, teenagers are idiots; don't hang your emotional state on what they tell you!

My family moved from my little home town to a new city the summer before my senior year. Some of you who went to school with the same kids from kindergarten on might be able to understand the impact of that statement.. especially if you grew up in a smallish town. Seniors *rule*, and I was going to be denied my year of glory?! Horrors! To top it off, we were moving to *Oregon*? ewww.. all lumberjacks and hicks up there, right? (nevermind that we were moving from a farm town, at least it was ever-cool California).

The upshot is, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. A few months of whining and I smarted up and realized what a good thing it was. I made my opportunities and was moved out of the folks' house in about the same 18 months you're talking about, and then I was off making my own life & away to school etc.

The only thing I'd say to look into further is the practicality of buying a manufactured home. Some are good, many less so, and your financing options are fewer. There might be depreciation instead of equity, so check it out and see.

He'll get over it. You can provide a great financial lesson to him if you can share some of the information about the transaction and your decision with him. That's a lesson he can own for *life*.

PS: if you give the ex first right of refusal, make sure he's paying top market price.

[rebeccajo 14]

The only thing I'd say to look into further is the practicality of buying a manufactured home. Some are good, many less so, and your financing options are fewer. There might be depreciation instead of equity, so check it out and see.

PS: if you give the ex first right of refusal, make sure he's paying top market price.

Mo...thx....yeah I'm aware of the hideous depreciation. I wouldn't be buying a new one. There are always GOBS of used ones available around here.

Top market price? Oh baby...you bet your rosy red #######.....top dollar and more.....LOL

[Peggy 1]

Rebecca dont feel like your a bad mom.

Your a great mom. You are his rolemodel, and if you look at what he has accomplished in his short 17 years, that is something to be proud of. All of yours and Zach's doing's.

I think your son would adjust to not living in the same house he grew up in.

I think he would rather move to a different place now, then wait till someone comes knocking at the door telling you that you had no choice, but to move.

Remember all the times we talked about Jon moving home and me saying that I would feel the need to go with him, and you asked me why would I let my son take me away from the person I loved so much. When he was going to be an adult in another year and be gone on his own.

I think the situation is about the same, different circumstances, but still concerning a teenage son that is 17 and almost ready to make their own choices.

Like you said he will be in university in 18 months.

I think your son loves his mom SO much that he would really do just about anything for you. Including moving to a different place.

We all have to do what we believe is in the best interest for our family's.

I know you will make the best decision for your family

HUGS

[ktun 0]

Rebecca,

My parents are selling the house that I grew up in this year. When my Mum told me they were selling it, I started crying like a baby and I dont even live in the same country anymore!!! It is an emotional issue, but one that you get over. Like others have said, this is something you need to do for yourself and your husband, if you cannot afford the house any longer and it is causing such financial and emotional strain then it is time to move on. My parents are in a similar situation, now past retirement age, they can no longer afford the mortgage they are paying. My mum also finds it very difficult to be in that house now that my sister and I have moved out and have our own lives. I'd say it would be easier for you to make the move now rather than later. Think about it, when your son is at university the house might feel completely different to you!! He'll be out on his own soon and if your ex buys it, it isn't as if he'll never be able to see the house again!!

Good luck in whatever decision you make

Kate

[daisy16 0]

This won't help, I'm afraid.

When I decided to move here to the US I rationalized my then 21 year old's situation by saying that he'd move out anyway. That if the shoe were on the other foot, he'd leave me in a New York minute (sorry, couldn't resist

However, I'm wracked with guilt cause my son misses me. However, he's doing great on his own, but he misses having family around.

[meddykomp 0]

Rebecca,

First of all I need to applaud you in trying to keep your son from harm in the divorce. Too many parents use their kids as pawns in these situations. Your son is old enough that the house he grew up in doesnt really equate to that needed stability. His stability comes from you, not a house. He may be rebelling, as most teenagers do, but in the end, he will also be better off if your expenses are lower so that you are more capable of helping him in his early adult years. He may not like it, but he will get over it. Move if you think that is the best thing to do.

And NO you are NOT a bad mother!!!

~Angel~

[rebeccajo 14]

Thanks for all the replies...ALL of them, even if you think it's not what I want to hear!

I really don't know what to do about this. We also have the option of purchasing my grandmothers home, which is 'in-town' unlike our present home, and two doors down from my aging parents. It's smaller than our house and needs a bit of work, but I think the 'profit' from the sale of our house would cover those repairs. I'm just not sure if moving there would save us a whole lot more than where we are presently living. I can't foresee the mortgage payment being drastically lower, nor the utilities. However, if my parents are willing, we could do a mortgage directly with them, completely bypassing bank financing, which might give us some leeway with the payments. I'm PRETTY SURE no bank would touch us with a 10-foot pole right now - my credit is excellent but Wes has none, and our earnings are abyssmal at the moment. I also really feel like a family pow-wow needs to be held first. I would want to make certain that my sister had no problem with any 'terms' that we and my parents might agree too. Lord knows a person doesn't need money trouble in the family.

I did have Zach in that house yesterday and was querying him about how he felt about moving here. He wasn't super keen on it, but he was scoping out the closets and the room I told him would be his. He's the kind of person who has to let an idea percolate - we'll see if he says anything in the near future.

I think we are going to ponder it a while longer before we do anything rash - maybe a month or two.