Am I plankton? Why older women feel they're at the bottom of the food chain

[Boiler 46,374]

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/feb/20/plankton-older-women-bottom-of-sexual-food-chain

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There are few things that will jolt anyone out of their comfort zone more violently than the abrupt end of a long marriage. For divorced older women, what makes this harder is the rude awakening that we have depreciated in value since we were last on the market. We have not only lost what we had (marriage, financial stability), we have arguably lost the tools needed to replace it (youth, beauty).

It’s kind of like that saying about giving a man a fish versus teaching him to fish; we have lost our original fish, and also have become really terrible at fishing. (Of course, that might be because we’re plankton.)

 

We have lost our original fish, and also have become really terrible at fishing

In the world of online dating, a man’s “desirability” apparently peaks at age 50, while a woman’s tops out at 18. And in a recent study, researchers sent out fictitious résumés for job applicants categorized as young (29-31), middle-aged (49-51), and older (64-66). For both genders, the callback rates were lower for older applicants, but the researchers found robust proof that older women were less likely to be hired. There was far less age discrimination against men.

 

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I got a costly hair-defrizzing treatment. I got a microdermabrasion treatment to blast layers of dead skin off my face. I got fashionable clothes for work and my hypothetical social life. I put whitening products on my teeth that made them hurt when I drank coffee. I joined a gym, although I refused to be upsold on a personal trainer. (As a walking midlife crisis, I was the embodiment of the personal trainer demographic.)

I must admit I was tempted to add this to the Beauty Thread but it just seemed more appropriate here.

 

I can not think her problem is not so much the Plankton aspect, but the realisation that things have changed, seemed that she was used to flashing her eye lids and getting away with speeding tickets and is shocked this no longer works.

[Nature Boy 2.0 8,394]

8 minutes ago, Boiler said:

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/feb/20/plankton-older-women-bottom-of-sexual-food-chain

I must admit I was tempted to add this to the Beauty Thread but it just seemed more appropriate here.

 

I can not think her problem is not so much the Plankton aspect, but the realisation that things have changed, seemed that she was used to flashing her eye lids and getting away with speeding tickets and is shocked this no longer works.

Same thing with older men, unless you are rich or an airline pilot etc. 

[Boiler 46,374]

2 minutes ago, Nature Boy 2.0 said:

Same thing with older men, unless you are rich or an airline pilot etc. 

They tend to come together, I had a friend who had issues but he was also short.

[laylalex 7,300]

I am about to have a therapy session but I will read later. Very interested in this.

[Voice of Reason 10,298]

7 minutes ago, laylalex said:

I am about to have a therapy session but I will read later. Very interested in this.

You need to read and heed.  You're no longer a spring chicken.  Better fix Alex dinner before you read it.  We'd hate for him to leave you while you are reading it.

[Boiler 46,374]

This lady is somewhat older. I have a friend who is that age and have no end of horror stories so it works both ways.

[yuna628 9,758]

Dear lord, I want to slap her and scream "get ahold of yourself woman! YOU have value! And your worth is not determined by facials and whitening products and makeup!" For the older crowd there are tons of dating sites out there for ladies that are no longer young, and ones for ladies that are older looking for younger men! But beyond that, while divorce later in life is terrible (it's terrible at any age) it sounds like this woman isn't even ready psychologically to love again... she can't even love herself unless she makes herself into something she's not.

[Boiler 46,374]

3 minutes ago, yuna628 said:

Dear lord, I want to slap her and scream "get ahold of yourself woman! YOU have value! And your worth is not determined by facials and whitening products and makeup!" For the older crowd there are tons of dating sites out there for ladies that are no longer young, and ones for ladies that are older looking for younger men! But beyond that, while divorce later in life is terrible (it's terrible at any age) it sounds like this woman isn't even ready psychologically to love again... she can't even love herself unless she makes herself into something she's not.

She needs time, she needs to realise she is in a different world, some make that step, some do not. Sort of amused me due to my friends experience, so not scientific and of course I know bits and no doubt not the whole story but it resonated that it was just this sort of lady he was coming across.

[90DayFinancier 910]

1 hour ago, Boiler said:

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/feb/20/plankton-older-women-bottom-of-sexual-food-chain

I must admit I was tempted to add this to the Beauty Thread but it just seemed more appropriate here.

 

I can not think her problem is not so much the Plankton aspect, but the realisation that things have changed, seemed that she was used to flashing her eye lids and getting away with speeding tickets and is shocked this no longer works.

". I joined a gym, although I refused to be upsold on a personal trainer. (As a walking midlife crisis, I was the embodiment of the personal trainer demographic.)"

Smart move on avoiding the trainer, the ones in my gym are worthless or even dangerous. The number of shoulder injuries for my friends over 40 from workouts is off the charts.

 

They are not professionally trained trainers and the industry should regulate itself or the states step in.

[laylalex 7,300]

Therapy session finished, article read.

 

When my marriage blew up at the ripe old age of 31 (and a smidge), I was convinced that that was it for me, game over. I'd wasted all of my 20s (met the ex when I was all of 20 and 4 months) on one person (mostly) and now I was olllllllld. And being old meant I would never be desired or loved or have someone panting over me. My youth spent, I now had a lifetime before me of aloneness with cats and knitting and chardonnay and the Lifetime Movie Network.

 

I mean, this was ridiculous on a lot of levels. The obvious one is of course that 31/32 is young. Really young. I was still myself, though it took a good year for the deepest gouges to heal so I could feel more like the Layla I thought I was inside. The second one was that I had Alex, who thought I was pretty great just the way I was -- I just had to let myself open up enough emotionally to fully accept what he had to offer me. But even if he hadn't stuck around to wait for me to sort out my head, I was still fine, I could still be fine. And that being fine had not too much to do with how I looked (though I'm not an idiot, it does have something to do with it), but what kind of person I was on an intrinsic level. I am a helper, a pleaser, an organizer. I am loyal and kind and only occasionally peevish and rude.  

 

And should the worst happen between Alex and me, and I am 46 and he decides he's had enough, or I do, I will be okay. I'm still me. I had a moment last summer, hanging out in his old apartment in San Francisco while he was in New York. I was in SF because there was a heatwave and he had central air, and I did not. The sun was coming through one of the windows in such a way that it caught this cranberry glassware vase I had placed (and he ignored) on a side table, and the light refracted through the red glass and onto my face where I was on the sofa, reading. I had this weird moment of peace and centering -- there was no noise of traffic, no noise from the street at all, and I was cool in the AC and alone and quiet. And I realized: I am okay like this. I could be okay if there were no Alex and I was just me, on my own, no other romantic partner. I'd have my friends and my family and my life would be fine because I'm enough. It was incredibly liberating as a woman who has spent most of her life serving others, particularly boyfriends and a husband, and casting myself as a supporting player in others' lives. I have Alex in my life because we choose that, I choose that. I don't need him, I want him. And I am happy that he wants me too.

 

So we can pity this woman, or make fun of her, or whatever, but I truly hope that she has a similar epiphany someday soon. We should be enough for ourselves; the rest is gravy. Forgive my wordiness -- I have just come from a very useful and positive therapy session and I am perhaps even more bursting than normal with words (which mean something, as Nature Boy reminded me today).

[laylalex 7,300]

1 hour ago, ALFKAD said:

You need to read and heed.  You're no longer a spring chicken.  Better fix Alex dinner before you read it.  We'd hate for him to leave you while you are reading it.

He'll be home at 9pm-ish. He hasn't had to wait for a meal yet, don't worry too much about him. 

[Burnt Reynolds 5,058]

Age is just a social construct. She needs to just identify as 18. Then she can continue living the dream.

 

Maybe a second time around, she might worry more about natural things that come with age, like maturity and building personality rather than obsessing about microdermabrasions and being mistaken for a teenager when approaching 50. Her approach clearly demonstrates what's lacking.

Edited February 21, 2020 by Burnt Reynolds

[TBoneTX 46,426]

Age is just a (rapidly increasing) number...

[Neonred 3,701]

Those older, less attractive, divorced women have options. 

Move to Florida.

There are loads of very old and often wealthy men that would snatch them up in a minute.

Plaster on some thick makeup, act somewhat interested and find one that is rich and nearly dead.

 

A win with a big payoff.

 

On the flip side, I had an older gentleman as a patient several years ago that was recently divorced.  He was looking for female companionship but having a hard time meeting the ladies.  A friend of his told him of club/bar that was a good place to meet women.  He was in his late 70's and was not interested in young ladies so he called the club one afternoon and talked to the bartender to see if it was a good place for him to meet "mature" women.  Bartender told him that it was just what he was looking for as the women there were "from their late 40's till nearly dead"!

 

No joke.

[TBoneTX 46,426]

19 hours ago, Neonred said:

There are loads of very old and often wealthy men

One would surmise that there would be a surplus of women, not men.

Lifespan differences, etc.

 

In addition is the truth-in-humor observation:

    Why do [insert your religious choice here] husbands die first?

    They want to, si man!