Club Colombia AOS!

[Bill y Bella 0]

hi everyone,

Margarita and Daniela are going back to Colombia permanently. We've been having problems for quite a while, and Margarita doesn't want to try to work things out with me. I'm devestated, but hopefully this will be for the best. When they travel back to Colombia, do they need anything besides their Colombian passports? I assume they do not need their green cards because they do not plan to return to the US.

thanks

john

I am Sorry to hear that John. I know from experience that the transition can be difficult for everyone and sometimes it just doesn't work out.

You did not ask this question but if you are convinced she is not coming back, I suggest you get divorced before she goes. It might be difficult to accomplish it once she goes back and your options for the future will be very limited if you are not divorced.

Best of luck.

[HAL 9000 96]

hi everyone,

Margarita and Daniela are going back to Colombia permanently. We've been having problems for quite a while, and Margarita doesn't want to try to work things out with me. I'm devestated, but hopefully this will be for the best. When they travel back to Colombia, do they need anything besides their Colombian passports? I assume they do not need their green cards because they do not plan to return to the US.

thanks

john

Wow John... so very sad to read these news.

Perhaps in giving up on you she will realize what she's missing. They will need their GC though, in order to properly exit the US (and if things improve for the better later on, but before the abandonment deadline for residing outside the US for residents).

[HAL 9000 96]

If things are beyond absolute repair, I agree with Bill- a divorce is absolutely necessary... AND do remember that in that case you will have to take steps to ensure- FOR YOUR PROTECTION... that the Residencies are rescinded. You as a financial sponsor will be liable for any public charge they incur until they are citizens, or lose their residency status- if they end up returning to the US on their residencies but not to be with you.

(Divorce does not end the Affidavit of Support unless LPR status is lost or citizenship is gained)

[margara&john 0]

Things are beyond repair. That is why I was hoping that they could leave without their greencards... Oh well, they'll have to take their greencards with them.

thanks

john

[Bill y Bella 0]

Things are beyond repair. That is why I was hoping that they could leave without their greencards... Oh well, they'll have to take their greencards with them.

thanks

john

I don't claim to be an expert, but I don't know why they need their green cards to return to Colombia. They will need their passports for the airline and for immigration in Colombia. I am not aware of a point in the process where they will need their green cards. Am I missing something?

If I were you I would try to keep the cards. It minimizes the chances that she or someone else enter the country later with the cards and you wind up supporting them for 10 years. You can't force her to leave the cards behind but if she is willing to do so, I would certainly let her. If by chance she has a change of heart and begs to come back, you can always send the cards to her.

[margara&john 0]

Thanks for the advise. I was thinking the same thing. That it would be best for me to hold on to the greencards. We went to a laqyer this morning and signed a joint petition for divorce. According to the lawyer, everything will be easy from here on out. A judge will set a court date, and we need to send the notice to Margarita in Medellin. When she does not show up the judge will finalize the divorce.

We've been having problems, but I never saw this coming. And it is happening so fast. I think it is a mistake to give up so soon, but Margarita is firm in her decision. Thanks to all of you for all of your help over the last 2 plus years.

john

[parkpapa 0]

Thanks for the advise. I was thinking the same thing. That it would be best for me to hold on to the greencards. We went to a laqyer this morning and signed a joint petition for divorce. According to the lawyer, everything will be easy from here on out. A judge will set a court date, and we need to send the notice to Margarita in Medellin. When she does not show up the judge will finalize the divorce.

We've been having problems, but I never saw this coming. And it is happening so fast. I think it is a mistake to give up so soon, but Margarita is firm in her decision. Thanks to all of you for all of your help over the last 2 plus years.

john

Sorry to hear of your troubles, John. Did you guys marry here or Colombia? I know from personal experience that las Colombianas are very headstrong and stubborn. It is unlikely you can do or say anything to change her mind. If she changes, it will be on her own. Before she leaves, I suggest that you personally see a counselor of some sort. Perhaps your work has a benefit in this regard. Even if Margara doesn't want to stay, perhaps you can convince her to go with you - for your benefit if nothing else. If her English is not up to snuff, there are often bilingual counselors available. At the very least, you might be able to get to the real heart of her problems with you or with the U.S.

If your employer has a pension plan, you might want to check what their policies are regarding pay out. For example in my case, if Lorena divorces me, she automatically gets half of my retirement pay whether she wants it or not. That is my employer's policy. I might be able to get a waiver, with Lorena's agreement, but it's doubtful. Don't wait to find out there are more surprises down the road.

Divorce is ugly and unpleasant. I know from my own experience with an 'amicable' divorce from my first wife. I don't recommend it to anyone for any reason other than abuse. That said, if you do divorce, please study as much as you can on the laws of your state and what effect they may have. Even if you divorce and she goes back to Colombia, there will undoubtedly be some 'ties' (financial at least and maybe others) that may last for a very, very long time. At the very least, if you married in Colombia, you need to determine if it will make a difference where the divorce takes place. It probably doesn't matter, but cover all the bases so there are fewer surprises.

You have my sympathy, empathy, and best wishes.

Charles

[parkpapa 0]

By the way, regarding the green card thing...

A valid green card would be worth more than its weight in gold in another country. As long as she has a valid passport and visa, I don't know why she would need it. As you said, if she decides to come back, you can send it to her.

[parkpapa 0]

Been too busy to visit or post lately. I hope everyone is doing well.

Update on our situation...

We are on hold for our own personal troubles, taking one day at a time. Most of our issues revolve, in one way or another, around my relationship with Lorena's two sons - mostly the older boy. Funny thing is that when the older boy and I are home alone (like right now while Lorena and the younger boy visit her sister out of state) we get along just fine. He is generally respectful and does as I ask. When she is at home, he can be insolent, disrespectful and just plain rude. Not so atypical for a 13 yr old, though. Lorena has no experience with 13 yr olds up to now so she places almost all of the responsibility on my shoulders since I am the 'adult'. We've been to a counselor and he basically said what I already knew - 13 yr olds are almost ALL insolent, disrespectful, and just plain rude. It's part of growing up and testing newfound independence. All of this is simply further complicated when a step-parent is involved as the young teen usually sees this person as an outsider and even potentially a threat to his/her relationship with the biological parents.

We'll either work it out or she will do the same as Margara and go back to Colombia. Time will tell.

Just as a word of advice to anyone marrying someone with kids (Colombian or not). Do NOT underestimate the potential issues of 'instant family'. The older the child(ren) the more potential problems exist. Your spouse or future spouse WILL choose his or her children over you every time. And that is how it has to be. Just be aware of the fact.

On those cheery notes.... until later.

Charles

Edited September 5, 2009 by parkpapa

[margara&john 0]

Thanks for your input Charles. I hope you guys can work things out. I suggested going to talk to a profesional, but Margarita refused. As far as divorce, my lawyer said it should be pretty straight forward. We filed a joint petition for divorce. A judge will set a court date. My lawyer will send notice to Margarita regarding the court date. She will not show up, and the judge will make his/her decision.

thanks again

john

[HAL 9000 96]

Indeed Charles... most women of latin extraction are this way and I think that most that enter a marriage with kids in tow would side with their kids (specially if younger) in cases of arguments.

I recommend you talk with your wife about coming up with a strategy for you and your older stepson to become closer on your own... make it look like you are inviting him to do things just the two of you... golfing... sports... etc... Or coach him at sports in a team setting if possible. Just my 2 cents.

Hope you guys continue to work it all out.

[subguy812 1]

My best wishes for both you John and Charles...Charles I am happy to see you guys have hung in there to this point and headstrong and stubborn can be an understatement. John it sounds like you are covering your bases and unfortunately it does appear she has reached her point of no return. Be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up, I can only imagine what your feeling...you have my sympathy.

Troy

[Mononoke28 135]

John,

I'm really sorry to hear your news especially since you've kept us up to date with your entire process. I honestly think that more than half of the responsibility lies on the person who decides to come to the US or a new country for that matter. It's easier to blame other people for their discomfort and sadness than to take charge and try to adapt to a new world. It's also easier to mope, cry and whine about everything they dislike and can't seem to get used to rather than see it all with a new perspective. I'm not saying that this is what happened to you and Charles but it's what I've seen in all the years I've lived in this country. It's a situation that makes it hard for me to take pity on them because we all have the power to change and adapt, some choose to do so and others just make life a living hell until they get their way.

I wish you nothing but the best and remember that things happen for a reason even if we can't seem to understand those reasons as they happen.

Same to you Charles, best of luck!!!

Diana

[parkpapa 0]

John,

I'm really sorry to hear your news especially since you've kept us up to date with your entire process. I honestly think that more than half of the responsibility lies on the person who decides to come to the US or a new country for that matter. It's easier to blame other people for their discomfort and sadness than to take charge and try to adapt to a new world. It's also easier to mope, cry and whine about everything they dislike and can't seem to get used to rather than see it all with a new perspective. I'm not saying that this is what happened to you and Charles but it's what I've seen in all the years I've lived in this country. It's a situation that makes it hard for me to take pity on them because we all have the power to change and adapt, some choose to do so and others just make life a living hell until they get their way.

I wish you nothing but the best and remember that things happen for a reason even if we can't seem to understand those reasons as they happen.

Same to you Charles, best of luck!!!

Diana

Thanks, Diana. There is an incredible amount of adapting that has to be done by both persons. You also hit the nail on the head as far as Lorena is concerned - she is pretty critical of almost everything about this country (rightly so in many cases) but at least says we're a lot cleaner than Colombia (less litter). It seems obvious that the person moving to the new country (and culture!!!) has the most adapting to do and the most compromises to make. But trying to work to make that transition easier involves a considerable amount of adapting on the part of the American partner, too. It's simply a tougher thing to undertake than most folks realize. A person might understand it on an intellectual level, but it is a whole other thing to actually live it day to day.

Anyway, thanks for the words of encouragement.

Charles

[margara&john 0]

Thanks everyone for your support. While Margarita did have trouble adjusting to this country, that wasn't our problem. Our problem was that after 6 months here, she decided that "married life isn't for her". Margarita said she is no longer in love with me. That we both knew we were taking a risk and that there was no way to know if we would make it other than to get married and try. I understand what she means, but it makes me think that she wasn't as convinced as I from the begining. She lived with her mom for 28 years, and her mom did everything. She didn't like being a homemaker, but didn't want to work fulltime either. As far as kids, I think Daniela is the only reason we lasted as long as we did. Daniela and I formed a really strong father-daughter relationship. She's a wonderful little girl, and I will miss her so much. I think it's harder for men with a stepson. Boys seem to be more protective of their mom. thanks again for everything

john