How to Make Your Marriage Gayer

[laylalex 7,300]

Quote

 

Women in different-sex marriages reported the highest levels of psychological distress. Men in same-sex marriages reported the lowest. Men married to women and women married to women were in the middle, recording similar levels of distress.

What’s striking, says the lead author of the study, Michael Garcia, is that earlier research had concluded that women in general were likely to report the most relationship distress. But it turns out that’s only women married to men.

There are powerful historical reasons heterosexual marriages are subject to more tension, miscommunication and resentment than same-sex relationships. What distinguished heterosexual marriage through the ages was not how many people were in it but the sharp distinctions it mandated regarding the duties and authority of its members.

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/13/opinion/sunday/marriage-housework-gender-happiness.html

 

Why am I not surprised that women married to men had the highest levels of distress?  It's kind of a baity title, but the piece does discuss how the importance of spreading the load at home -- chores, emotional well-being, communication, child-rearing -- should not be downplayed.

[yuna628 9,744]

16 minutes ago, laylalex said:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/13/opinion/sunday/marriage-housework-gender-happiness.html

 

Why am I not surprised that women married to men had the highest levels of distress?  It's kind of a baity title, but the piece does discuss how the importance of spreading the load at home -- chores, emotional well-being, communication, child-rearing -- should not be downplayed.

I do not suffer any distress from my husband. He knows the value of helping his wife and looking after. I suffer distress from tons of other things unrelated to him lol. Perhaps it's a reason why women should perhaps be very cautious and choosy to find the right sort of man first that will not cause distress, before marrying.

[laylalex 7,300]

Sometimes these things reveal themselves after a person gets married, however. It can be difficult to know precisely how actually living with someone, even someone a person knows well, will turn out when two partners move in. We see it here every day on VJ, even people who knew each other for quite a while but only saw each other on visits, can be shocked when the reality of domestic life closes in. People need to be clearer-headed in the honeymoon (and pre-honeymoon) phase about what they will and will not accept in sharing the load at home. I have been living with my fiance for three months now after knowing him for over 14 years, and for about 2 years before that we spent weekends (and sometimes longer when possible) together. I thought I could anticipate exactly what it would be like to have him in my home every day and night. Ummmmmmmm, nope! I realize now I was hoping for the best, that somehow the socks would start migrating to the hamper when he saw that's what I always did, or that I wasn't always going to be the one to do the washing up on my own. Part of it comes from him either being babied by well-meaning women (mum and first wife) or living a bachelor lifestyle for his entire life. I was reflexively just taking care of everything and getting resentful when my therapist reminded me that it is only this way because I let it be this way -- I have a voice, and I can speak up. So I have made it clear what I am happy to do at home, and what I need help with. That's all I had to do -- I got no pushback. He told me that he appreciated having a list of tasks because he can't intuit what needs to be done, and that being useful is important to him. 

[Nature Boy 2.0 8,386]

i can say without a doubt being married to another man, would be easier than being married to a woman. It would be all good but the sex part.

[Lemonslice 4,989]

31 minutes ago, Nature Boy 2.0 said:

i can say without a doubt being married to another man, would be easier than being married to a woman. It would be all good but the sex part.

What about open gay marriage... Best of both worlds?

[Boiler 46,246]

38 minutes ago, Nature Boy 2.0 said:

i can say without a doubt being married to another man, would be easier than being married to a woman. It would be all good but the sex part.

You could always pay for that.

[Boiler 46,246]

I thought the marriages with the shortage duration were female/female? It could have included partnerships, something I glanced at a long time ago, sort of made sense.

[Steeleballz 7,550]

2 hours ago, laylalex said:

Women in different-sex marriages reported the highest levels of psychological distress. Men in same-sex marriages reported the lowest. Men married to women and women married to women were in the middle, recording similar levels of distress.

 

   Did they survey single people? I imagine that would score lower for stress than any type of marriage. Also the number of kids comes into play. Stress increases exponentially with eachchild. People, especially grandparents, like to say that once you have one kid, the second one is easier. They are lying. 

[Boiler 46,246]

I thought single men in particular had the lowest life expectancy.

[laylalex 7,300]

9 minutes ago, Steeleballz said:

 

   Did they survey single people? I imagine that would score lower for stress than any type of marriage. Also the number of kids comes into play. Stress increases exponentially with eachchild. People, especially grandparents, like to say that once you have one kid, the second one is easier. They are lying. 

No, this was specifically about married people. I'm still on the fence about kids myself although I know my window of opportunity is going to start closing soon. Part of the reason is it took me SO long to finally be with my fiance, and we're just starting to really relax into the relationship and enjoy each other. Why mess it up with kids?

17 minutes ago, Boiler said:

You could always pay for that.

You don't need to pay for it. Plenty of people happy to have affairs or be in open marriages. Though to be fair I've never known an open marriage to work -- I'm not saying it can't, but my (limited) experience in knowing people who tried shows it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

3 minutes ago, Boiler said:

I thought single men in particular had the lowest life expectancy.

Yes for straight men probably, because they don't have women taking care of everything for them.  I kid, but Alex really didn't know how to do much of anything domestic when we first started seeing each other (again). He had a mother or a wife or a cleaning lady or Doordash to take care of his cleaning and feeding. He is learning to take more on and I am learning to let more go. It requires some discipline on both our parts.

[Steeleballz 7,550]

26 minutes ago, Boiler said:

I thought single men in particular had the lowest life expectancy.

 

   They say because they don't have anyone telling them constantly to go get things checked out the doctor. So statistically they die earlier, but they stress over it less.

[Boiler 46,246]

7 minutes ago, Steeleballz said:

 

   They say because they don't have anyone telling them constantly to go get things checked out the doctor. So statistically they die earlier, but they stress over it less.

I think the reason is not proven, just the outcome.

[laylalex 7,300]

13 minutes ago, Steeleballz said:

 

   They say because they don't have anyone telling them constantly to go get things checked out the doctor. So statistically they die earlier, but they stress over it less.

Why are men more resistant to taking medication for illness/aches and pains? I know that sounds like the wind up to a joke, but I genuinely don't understand it. Maybe it's just my experience. Alex won't take aspirin/ibuprofen for a headache, and when he got a black eye last year (don't ask) all he did was ice it even though he was in a lot of pain. My ex refused to take cold meds when he was under the weather even when he was snuffling all over the place (generally he would just take to his bed and moan about how unwell he was). I have no problem taking meds if prescribed or OTC stuff if I'm in pain.

[Steeleballz 7,550]

8 minutes ago, Boiler said:

I think the reason is not proven, just the outcome.

 

   There is no way to prove the reason. All they have is the statistical data and opinions on why. 

 

   I have heard people say that happy people live longer (because they are so happy), and I've also heard people say that angry people live longer (out of spite). Unless you measured every detail of someones life, and accounted for all the factor, it's all just speculation, and probably mostly unfounded.

 

  Could just be as simple as that a single elderly person is less likely to have someone around to call 911 or drive to ER  when a catastrophic event happens.

[Steeleballz 7,550]

10 minutes ago, laylalex said:

Why are men more resistant to taking medication for illness/aches and pains? I know that sounds like the wind up to a joke, but I genuinely don't understand it. Maybe it's just my experience. Alex won't take aspirin/ibuprofen for a headache, and when he got a black eye last year (don't ask) all he did was ice it even though he was in a lot of pain. My ex refused to take cold meds when he was under the weather even when he was snuffling all over the place (generally he would just take to his bed and moan about how unwell he was). I have no problem taking meds if prescribed or OTC stuff if I'm in pain.

 

  I don't think that is specific to men. I know a lot of people (men and women) who won't take an ibuprofen until the headache is unbearable. I don't really know why. I take ibuprofen right away.  If the headache is unbearable it's time to get medical help. Same with colds.