Absolutely miserable

[Jared&Roxy 20]

Are you able to move somewhere you guys both like? I understand he wants to stay in that location but honestly it sounds horrible and boring. 

 

I plan to move in a month or so and we found an apartment in a location with okay walkability and public transport. Not as good as where I currently live (less than an hour from Toronto Canada) but much better than where he's from (no public transport at all). I worry about this as well especially for when we look for a house. I hate places which are car dependent. 

[Teacake 76]

Just now, Jared&Roxy said:

Are you able to move somewhere you guys both like? I understand he wants to stay in that location but honestly it sounds horrible and boring. 

 

I plan to move in a month or so and we found an apartment in a location with okay walkability and public transport. Not as good as where I currently live (less than an hour from Toronto Canada) but much better than where he's from (no public transport at all). I worry about this as well especially for when we look for a house. I hate places which are car dependent. 

I was talking about this with him last night. 😔 It’s a frustrating topic though because he isn’t very willing to compromise (despite all of the compromises I’ve already made). It’s something I need to keep discussing with him.

 

I agree with the whole car dependence thing. The place bores me to literal tears and it doesn’t help that my ability to get out and about relies on someone giving me a ride - especially now that i’ve got two appointments coming up next week taking place during my husband’s working hours. Hoping to just take an Uber so I don’t even need to ask one of my in-laws. I miss the independence I had in Australia for sure.

[Villanelle 4,122]

You can try googling 'volunteer from home' and see if anything that pops up interests you.

https://www.signupgenius.com/nonprofit/volunteer-opportunities-ideas.cfm

https://blogs.volunteermatch.org/engagingvolunteers/2018/06/08/10-ways-to-volunteer-from-home/

https://www.catchafire.org/volunteer/?name_filter=&type_filter=1&type_filter=2&page=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA04XxBRD5ARIsAGFygj9zCk_DWyf0l6PVEZ-PDMZBGlfO9RC2qgZ25TOqahOghQRO-2xW9HoaAjpNEALw_wcB

 

Heres on for knitting- http://www.originallylovely.com/uncategorized/knitting-for-charity-where-to-donate-your-hand-knit-goods/

 

Sometimes volunteering is easier to get back into things vs taking on a job. With volunteer stuff you can start and stop and move at your own speed. Its not as strong of a commitment as a job is. Plus it feels good and will help your mood.

Hopefully you can get your meds sorted and will be feeling better soon. 

[cosmonauts 125]

Good for you for seeking the help you needed! I've been here 5 years and just now finally decided to go to therapy. I'd been thinking about it for a long time but finally had the courage to do it. The whole process is just so difficult, and although we all knew it would be hard we just didn't know how hard.

 

Something that helped me was going to grad school. It not only kept me busy but I made really good friends. I live in CA and although I don't live in a small town, everything is so far that it can feel isolating. You said you don't feel motivated, and don't know what to do. When you get a DL, enroll in your local community college. Try out as many different classes as you want. Junior colleges often offer free certificate programs (which is a good way to find a job) or inexpensive degrees (even though you already have one, you could change careers if you wanted). Where you working in Australia? What were you doing? Do you see the possibility of doing that where you are?

 

It's probably very hard to hear "hang in there, it will get better" when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe just focusing on getting by one day at a time can help. You do have to give it time, unfortunately, but give yourself a chance.

 

[Sweetdreaming 397]

On 1/10/2020 at 4:39 PM, Teacake said:

The last time I posted about this four months ago, I was told how undeserving of my visa I apparently am and that my husband shouldn’t have to deal with someone as mopey and terrible as myself. However, I did receive a lot of support and advice from people with a conscience, so I guess that’s why I’m reaching out again.

 

I wasn’t out intentionally prowling the internet looking to meet and marry a US citizen. I didn’t pursue this relationship with the view of receiving that all-too-coveted green card. I pursued it because I love my husband and wanted to close the gap we are probably all too familiar with. America is nice, but it (more specifically, this tiny town we’re living in) is vastly different from what I’m used to. My life in general is obviously incredibly different to what I’m used to. I can see why people tout the CR1 as being so superior to the K1, but even with how quickly my AOS seems to be progressing (3.5 months from filing to interview), I don’t honestly see receiving my green card making this transition that much easier. I could learn to drive, but where would I go? Getting a job would help with the whole lack of purpose issue and also give me an outlet to be social, so that’s something at least. I just don’t feel optimistic about anything and really, the lack of positive neurotransmitters in my brain is clearly not helping things.

 

I’ve thankfully started getting counselling and am trying to begin seeing a psychiatrist next week with a view to finally getting back on medication. I’ve been dealing with depression on and off for a long time, but it has never been so severe. The loneliness (very compact social circle - no one but my husband to talk to most days [and he naturally works]), isolation (unable to leave the house due to living on a major highway; pretty much no neighbours, and in a town with no public transportation) and boredom all compound my homesickness so badly. I miss simple things like hopping on a train and walking down a bustling footpath. My husband is supportive, but I miss my family and don’t have a great relationship with my in-laws.

 

All of this is hurting my relationship. We love each other, but he hurts to see me in such a bad state. I’m worried that even after hopefully receiving my GC and enjoying all the newfound freedoms it might offer, and even after taking my medication for a substantial amount of time, that I just won’t be able to adjust to slow country living and being separated from my family - my mother, in particular. I don’t know if it makes a difference to anyone, but I’m 23 and also miss going out and having fun. Everyone keeps telling me that life is precious and it’s too short to be spent in misery, which I know comes from a place of concern, but it also just makes me feel awful - like I’m just wasting away and hurting the both of us in the process. I didn’t realise how crazy and stressful all of this would be. I get jealous seeing him have fun with his family, go with his friends to the movies or out bar-hopping. I cry at least once a day.

 

Is there anyone out there who has been in this situation and grown out of it? Are you thriving now? I put all this out there on VJ as both an immigrant and just a struggling human being.

 

Any words of advice or support are appreciated.

without reading through this lengthy thread, it seems you are more isolated because of the type of town you live in as much as anything. Is there any way for you to move to a bigger city, have your husband find another job and settle there ? Where youre living now seems to be the problem and i dont see that changing if youre used to a more "city" type life.

[Teacake 76]

51 minutes ago, tamaara said:

Good for you for seeking the help you needed! I've been here 5 years and just now finally decided to go to therapy. I'd been thinking about it for a long time but finally had the courage to do it. The whole process is just so difficult, and although we all knew it would be hard we just didn't know how hard.

 

Something that helped me was going to grad school. It not only kept me busy but I made really good friends. I live in CA and although I don't live in a small town, everything is so far that it can feel isolating. You said you don't feel motivated, and don't know what to do. When you get a DL, enroll in your local community college. Try out as many different classes as you want. Junior colleges often offer free certificate programs (which is a good way to find a job) or inexpensive degrees (even though you already have one, you could change careers if you wanted). Where you working in Australia? What were you doing? Do you see the possibility of doing that where you are?

 

It's probably very hard to hear "hang in there, it will get better" when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe just focusing on getting by one day at a time can help. You do have to give it time, unfortunately, but give yourself a chance.

 

Thank you for taking the time to give your input; I really appreciate it. I’m going to continue considering options for filling my time and trying to improve my livelihood here.

[Siddsgal 80]

On 2/2/2020 at 1:25 PM, Teacake said:

Thank you for taking the time to give your input; I really appreciate it. I’m going to continue considering options for filling my time and trying to improve my livelihood here.

Hi there! 
My husband and I are not in your situation so I can’t speak from the same place as you are in but I do understand depression and isolation when feeling like I didn’t have an identity, that was the majority of my adult life. Oh, I’m the US citizen, my hubby lives in Mumbai.
As I’ve been reading through this conversation, first thing that I thought was how this is a great example of what happens to so many couples. The goal for so many is being together or coming to the US instead of the goal being working towards a long life together filled with happiness, love and laughter. You are now realizing why that goal doesn’t work out so well lol. 

Im someone that honestly doesn’t leave my yard more than once or twice a week and that usually is only to go to my folks farm 1/10th mile away and I can go days without talking to anyone except my husband, my daughter and my mom; I know how much that messes with your head!! I also live in the country, 10 miles from town and town has 900 people in it. I have to travel an hour to get to the closest town with a stoplight and it only has a population 2000 people😂. I also have been without a car for the last few months so I know what your going through, we just don’t have Uber or anything like that by me lol. 
You unfortunately on top of the isolation,  also have the huge let down of life not being what you thought it was gonna be and are having to face the realization that your husband is flawed and you’re not always gonna like him cuz he’s gonna let you down and get irritable.

Im thinking that u probably feel like you’re trapped in a lonely, isolated world, in a life that you don’t want and to top it off, are probably feeling guilty for not being happy  cuz you know there’s a lot of us that would give a limb to have our spouse fall asleep next to us. Correct me if I’m wrong please😁!! 
I also have felt the same things you have, well minus the falling asleep next to my husband guilt cuz he’s not here yet lol. 
What has helped me, along with the medication I’m on and the therapy I was in, (my therapy was over the phone so I didn’t even leave my house for that😂) was using my mistakes and dumbness over the years that sorta landed me in the life I’m in now, to try to help others not make the same mistakes I did. 

Have you thought about maybe trying to help prepare others online that are coming over here on a K1 visa, get prepared for the reality of what life’s gonna be like for them? There is a huge lack of info for fiancés and spouses that immigrate here about what life is really gonna be like, so many seem to have the rose colored glasses on that it sounds like you and your husband did. 
There are 1000s of people out there that need to hear your story, that need to have someone like you prepare them for what the reality of life is gonna be like for them when they get here. Where you see a lack of purpose in yourself I’m seeing you as someone that this immigration world desperately needs!!! 
My husband and I spend as much of our time talking about how we’re gonna handle the major problems that are gonna come from him moving here. I live in cold, snowy Wisconsin in the middle of nowhere where you can’t hear anything but the birds and the wind blow; he lives in a city that had almost 5x as many people in it as my entire state does. He doesn’t like people lol but the complete lack of external stimulation is gonna be really tough for him, just like it’s tough for me when I go to Mumbai. We are trying to think of and find solutions to the problems that we are gonna have before he sees American soil for the first time. There is not much info from people about what sorta challenges we should prepare for tho, this is why I see your situation as a huge opportunity for you to help so many & that in turn will probably really help you feel better as well! Bonus is that you don’t have to even go anywhere to do it😁

Ok, my thumbs hurt from pecking this book long message out so I’m done talking now😂
 

[sbarbie1914 22]

13 hours ago, Siddsgal said:

Hi there! 
My husband and I are not in your situation so I can’t speak from the same place as you are in but I do understand depression and isolation when feeling like I didn’t have an identity, that was the majority of my adult life. Oh, I’m the US citizen, my hubby lives in Mumbai.
As I’ve been reading through this conversation, first thing that I thought was how this is a great example of what happens to so many couples. The goal for so many is being together or coming to the US instead of the goal being working towards a long life together filled with happiness, love and laughter. You are now realizing why that goal doesn’t work out so well lol. 

Im someone that honestly doesn’t leave my yard more than once or twice a week and that usually is only to go to my folks farm 1/10th mile away and I can go days without talking to anyone except my husband, my daughter and my mom; I know how much that messes with your head!! I also live in the country, 10 miles from town and town has 900 people in it. I have to travel an hour to get to the closest town with a stoplight and it only has a population 2000 people😂. I also have been without a car for the last few months so I know what your going through, we just don’t have Uber or anything like that by me lol. 
You unfortunately on top of the isolation,  also have the huge let down of life not being what you thought it was gonna be and are having to face the realization that your husband is flawed and you’re not always gonna like him cuz he’s gonna let you down and get irritable.

Im thinking that u probably feel like you’re trapped in a lonely, isolated world, in a life that you don’t want and to top it off, are probably feeling guilty for not being happy  cuz you know there’s a lot of us that would give a limb to have our spouse fall asleep next to us. Correct me if I’m wrong please😁!! 
I also have felt the same things you have, well minus the falling asleep next to my husband guilt cuz he’s not here yet lol. 
What has helped me, along with the medication I’m on and the therapy I was in, (my therapy was over the phone so I didn’t even leave my house for that😂) was using my mistakes and dumbness over the years that sorta landed me in the life I’m in now, to try to help others not make the same mistakes I did. 

Have you thought about maybe trying to help prepare others online that are coming over here on a K1 visa, get prepared for the reality of what life’s gonna be like for them? There is a huge lack of info for fiancés and spouses that immigrate here about what life is really gonna be like, so many seem to have the rose colored glasses on that it sounds like you and your husband did. 
There are 1000s of people out there that need to hear your story, that need to have someone like you prepare them for what the reality of life is gonna be like for them when they get here. Where you see a lack of purpose in yourself I’m seeing you as someone that this immigration world desperately needs!!! 
My husband and I spend as much of our time talking about how we’re gonna handle the major problems that are gonna come from him moving here. I live in cold, snowy Wisconsin in the middle of nowhere where you can’t hear anything but the birds and the wind blow; he lives in a city that had almost 5x as many people in it as my entire state does. He doesn’t like people lol but the complete lack of external stimulation is gonna be really tough for him, just like it’s tough for me when I go to Mumbai. We are trying to think of and find solutions to the problems that we are gonna have before he sees American soil for the first time. There is not much info from people about what sorta challenges we should prepare for tho, this is why I see your situation as a huge opportunity for you to help so many & that in turn will probably really help you feel better as well! Bonus is that you don’t have to even go anywhere to do it😁

Ok, my thumbs hurt from pecking this book long message out so I’m done talking now😂
 

I agree that posting about this topic is crucial for others who are preparing to make the transition to live in the U.S.A.   Maybe us American spouses can use more empathy for the foreign spouses and their adjustment period.  It would be great if the foreign spouse can visit the U.S., where they intend to live, ahead of time, although not all are as fortunate.  My husband already had a travel visa for the U.S. before we met.  I think this helped my husband a lot.  He lives in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, with over 3 million people, noises and crowds all day.  My home city is much smaller with about 200,000 people and everything gets quiet at night.  He was shocked that he couldn't get a haircut at 10 P.M. here.  

 

Fortunately, there are some other Spanish-speaking people here, which he's met a few, and he already has a driver's license from his country, which is valid to drive in Florida.  He drives when we go places and a few times he's used the car on his own to go to the grocery store or gym.  

 

I can only speak for myself, but if I lived in a small town and my husband was not happy with it, I would be willing to move to a place that we both could agree on.  I don't think that is such a huge sacrifice for me when my husband is giving up everything to move here.

 

Teacake, I want to commend you for doing everything you know how to do to make the situation work.  I think you are doing a great job and with the helpful suggestions of the other posters I think you will find your way to be much happier.  

[Siddsgal 80]

26 minutes ago, sbarbie1914 said:

I agree that posting about this topic is crucial for others who are preparing to make the transition to live in the U.S.A.   Maybe us American spouses can use more empathy for the foreign spouses and their adjustment period.  It would be great if the foreign spouse can visit the U.S., where they intend to live, ahead of time, although not all are as fortunate.  My husband already had a travel visa for the U.S. before we met.  I think this helped my husband a lot.  He lives in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, with over 3 million people, noises and crowds all day.  My home city is much smaller with about 200,000 people and everything gets quiet at night.  He was shocked that he couldn't get a haircut at 10 P.M. here.  

 

Fortunately, there are some other Spanish-speaking people here, which he's met a few, and he already has a driver's license from his country, which is valid to drive in Florida.  He drives when we go places and a few times he's used the car on his own to go to the grocery store or gym.  

 

I can only speak for myself, but if I lived in a small town and my husband was not happy with it, I would be willing to move to a place that we both could agree on.  I don't think that is such a huge sacrifice for me when my husband is giving up everything to move here.

 

Teacake, I want to commend you for doing everything you know how to do to make the situation work.  I think you are doing a great job and with the helpful suggestions of the other posters I think you will find your way to be much happier.  

I agree with you completely!! I can’t imagine moving to a country and not being able to work or drive while also not knowing anyone! I mean, I do that when I’m in India with my husband but that’s not permanent. 
It almost seems like a couple should be required to go through some sorta counseling before the K1 is approved so they can address this sorta stuff before hand & have a plan in place. 
There needs to be comprises on both sides cuz that’s marriage! 
In my situation, while we are married, my husband has never been to the US so while I do my best to show him my normal day to day life, he hasn’t experienced it for himself. He hasn’t ever felt anything as cold as our temperatures are in his entire life. 
We are making plans already for us though, we have found companies that would hire him and the one we will probably go with is an hour away. So we have plan already in place for how he’s gonna get to work and home until he gets a WI license, the clinic he’d be potentially working at has many Indian doctors and IT people at it so he can be around some familiar people that have lived in India and we plan on moving closer to his job once my daughter graduates in 2 years. 

He doesn’t expect me to fit in when I go to India so how can I expect him to fit in here?
This is why I think Teacake has an amazing opportunity to really help others going through the same situation, she can really help give them the reality of what life is gonna be like before they get here so that some of these issues could be addressed before ever getting here. 
Id think that there would be a terrible let down once you get here and the weddings over, you no longer have anything to look forward to and we all need goals in life to keep us going. 

[Nashvan 133]

OP, I think I mentioned this on your other topic that disappeared but you remind me so much of myself, it's like reading a mirror. You don't have to blame yourself for your worries. I don't think anyone is ever fully prepared for life in a new country, no matter how ready they think they are. It sounds like you and your husband have different ideas on how to live together, and while that's natural, it's also important to work as a team to solve any issues with a 'we, not me' mentality.

 

I've been in your situation, and am still trying to grow out of it now. Personally, my life in the past three months since getting the GC has been worse than the entire six-month AOS period. I almost got into a wreck within a week of getting my car, bombed my first job interview from anxiety, had a creepy experience at a networking event, and took a job that pays half my previous wage despite having work/intern experience in it just to get my foot in the field here. I felt, and sometimes still feel, like such a failure. It wasn't until last week that I properly broke down for a solid hour from all the accumulated stress.

 

I've learned that there is no shame in expressing frustrations, that not being able to certain things within a certain time does not define your worth. You don't have to know exactly what you want to do. I don't know exactly what I want to do. We're still young. Whatever we try will eventually lead to something later on, or inspire something completely new. What's important is that we keep seeking ways to do something. I'd say you're already on your way!

[Teacake 76]

4 hours ago, Nashvan said:

OP, I think I mentioned this on your other topic that disappeared but you remind me so much of myself, it's like reading a mirror. You don't have to blame yourself for your worries. I don't think anyone is ever fully prepared for life in a new country, no matter how ready they think they are. It sounds like you and your husband have different ideas on how to live together, and while that's natural, it's also important to work as a team to solve any issues with a 'we, not me' mentality.

 

I've been in your situation, and am still trying to grow out of it now. Personally, my life in the past three months since getting the GC has been worse than the entire six-month AOS period. I almost got into a wreck within a week of getting my car, bombed my first job interview from anxiety, had a creepy experience at a networking event, and took a job that pays half my previous wage despite having work/intern experience in it just to get my foot in the field here. I felt, and sometimes still feel, like such a failure. It wasn't until last week that I properly broke down for a solid hour from all the accumulated stress.

 

I've learned that there is no shame in expressing frustrations, that not being able to certain things within a certain time does not define your worth. You don't have to know exactly what you want to do. I don't know exactly what I want to do. We're still young. Whatever we try will eventually lead to something later on, or inspire something completely new. What's important is that we keep seeking ways to do something. I'd say you're already on your way!

Thank you so much. This was really, really comforting to read. I’m so sorry that things have still been bleak since getting your GC. I hope your circumstances improve in the future so that stress doesn’t need to accumulate quite so much. You’re so right about the both of us just needing to keep trying, though. I’ve been feeling more level-headed since starting back on my medication, but that hasn’t made my surroundings all that much easier to deal with. Still, I rise and try to go on. I need my husband to try to get on the same page, but it seems anytime I bring up issues that are hurting my quality of life here, he takes it as an attack and becomes defensive or passive-aggressive. It’s what leads me to feeling guilty - as though I’m wholly responsible for everything. Like you said, though, we need a ‘we, not me’ mentality, and I have no choice but to keep trying to get us to that point. Thank you again for having a read of my whining and being so supportive.

[Nashvan 133]

22 hours ago, Teacake said:

Thank you so much. This was really, really comforting to read. I’m so sorry that things have still been bleak since getting your GC. I hope your circumstances improve in the future so that stress doesn’t need to accumulate quite so much. You’re so right about the both of us just needing to keep trying, though. I’ve been feeling more level-headed since starting back on my medication, but that hasn’t made my surroundings all that much easier to deal with. Still, I rise and try to go on. I need my husband to try to get on the same page, but it seems anytime I bring up issues that are hurting my quality of life here, he takes it as an attack and becomes defensive or passive-aggressive. It’s what leads me to feeling guilty - as though I’m wholly responsible for everything. Like you said, though, we need a ‘we, not me’ mentality, and I have no choice but to keep trying to get us to that point. Thank you again for having a read of my whining and being so supportive.

Thanks. I was just super impatient to continue my career and expected too much too soon. Now I can laugh about it and move on. Every so often it's good to zoom out and look at things for what they are, not what we want them to be. It's so easy to get sucked into our own narrative that we fail to see the positives.

 

Based on what you wrote, I feel like you might be overcompensating for your husband's reaction to the issues. You are not responsible for his feelings. He is not responsible for your feelings. If his reaction is something you think is getting in the way of discussing these issues, then consider letting him know that you perceive it as such, or encourage him explain his feelings about the situation. Keep the communication open and honest. The 'we, not me' mentality only works if both of you believe in it.

[JoBri 548]

It was hard for my wife at first, the first 3/4 of a year. We really struggled in our relationship. She struggled as well with having left her past, successful life behind, her cherished career in education behind. Then she came to terms with things. I had taught her to drive, which gave her independence. She took any job she could: substitute teaching, housekeeping at a local hospital, food services at a school cafeteria, and resident assistant at an assisted living facility. She joined the Air National Guard and continued to work in food services. She chose to accept and embrace her life here, and with careful thought and planning she reinvented herself. She went to school and acquired a new career as a nurse. Life changed then, for her and for our family. Now she is an officer in the U.S. Air Force, an active duty nurse, and we live in Germany. Life is what you make of it. When there is opportunity, you seize it. When you have to be patient and toil away, you do so. But feeling sad for oneself and not moving forward doesn't allow opportunities to come along that can be life-changing. And without accepting life on life's terms and plodding forward the best direction one can means forever being held in the past and no happy successful change for the future. We were blessed, in the end, but it was struggles and hard work, and the need to remain flexible for both of us. At times the need to accept the current situation for the time being, and at other times to quickly seize on opportunities when they presented themselves to get out of where we were at, mentally and physically, and to get to a place we would rather be.