The derailment exempt thread

[Burnt Reynolds 5,058]

2 hours ago, laylalex said:

I really do try hard not to be a nag, and I felt awful for being so angry with him. But at the same time, we try really hard to be good communicators since we both had issues with this in our first marriages. I didn't have an issue with him going drinking and having a good time, I had an issue with him breaking an agreement we had in place to run things by each other first, even if we know the other will say yes. So if I want to see my sister, I tell him first. He said he wanted to go see his friend, and he told me first. Not like we could stop each other, but it's all in aid of us keeping doors open. If he had called me to say he wanted to drink more than a couple of beers earlier in the evening, I could have arranged with a friend who lives nearby, and who is part of my bubble, to drive me up there to collect him and the car. But by the time I heard, it was too late to do that. Just disappointed.

It's not my relationship but imo he realistically did all that was necessary. When going to a friend's house and knowing the current environment it only makes sense to make room for spontaneity (if one was really that concerned it should've been addressed beforehand), and the communication was already there. I've been in a similar situation with a prior engagement where because of her I had no choice but to drive home and so drunk/toasted I don't remember the drive, but so stupidly scared of an insecure lady that I bent over backwards for her irrationality -- was a good life lesson and I dodged a huge bullet not being shackled down by her. Unless I'm mistaken neither of you have kids yet so times like this are precisely to enjoy these moments and be a little more hands off. I've seen what happens when people become overly restrictive, insecure, etc. early on and it tends not to wind up well when there actually needs to be strong limitations (eg kids, where they are #1 always). 

 

Having dealt with that before is why I'd never be involved with that again, and was far more picky about partners than ever before finally marrying. It's a huge red flag. 

Edited August 9, 2020 by Burnt Reynolds

[laylalex 7,293]

7 hours ago, Burnt Reynolds said:

It's not my relationship but imo he realistically did all that was necessary. When going to a friend's house and knowing the current environment it only makes sense to make room for spontaneity (if one was really that concerned it should've been addressed beforehand), and the communication was already there. I've been in a similar situation with a prior engagement where because of her I had no choice but to drive home and so drunk/toasted I don't remember the drive, but so stupidly scared of an insecure lady that I bent over backwards for her irrationality -- was a good life lesson and I dodged a huge bullet not being shackled down by her. Unless I'm mistaken neither of you have kids yet so times like this are precisely to enjoy these moments and be a little more hands off. I've seen what happens when people become overly restrictive, insecure, etc. early on and it tends not to wind up well when there actually needs to be strong limitations (eg kids, where they are #1 always). 

 

Having dealt with that before is why I'd never be involved with that again, and was far more picky about partners than ever before finally marrying. It's a huge red flag. 

Well, he does have a daughter but she is not here, she lives in England with her mum. 

 

We are fine, it really was a matter of miscommunication between us. I was really glad he was spending time with a friend, getting out of the house. But we had an agreement and he didn't stick to it. It's not a hanging offense, not in the slightest. We are very supportive of each other having friends and interests outside of the other's life -- I think this is paramount. He knew I'd always tell him to stay where he was, not to drive home like that, and to have a good time. The deal was to announce these things before they happened though. So it may be time to renegotiate this bit, because I truly am flexible about such things and I would never want him to think of me as a shrew or a ball and chain. I want to be the partner that helps him live the life he wants to live.

[Ban Hammer 13,421]

but last night it was..........

[laylalex 7,293]

48 minutes ago, Ban Hammer said:

but last night it was..........

I'm not nearly that ginger and my mother never let me overpluck my eyebrows (thank you, mom).

 

He was very persuasive in his apologies. So he will live another night, I think.  

[Neonred 3,576]

On 8/8/2020 at 11:21 PM, laylalex said:

I put Alex in the doghouse for not telling me before he decided unilaterally to turn a couple socially distanced beers with a friend into many socially distanced drinks, so many that he couldn't drive home last night. I'm pleased he didn't drive home like that, but since he stayed the night there to recover, he put himself in a situation where he was staying indoors without a mask in someone else's home. Not cool. I am just about over being angry about it. It's not me saying, oh, you can't see your friends, or even, don't drink that much (I get it, he was feeling like he hadn't been able to be "normal" in a long time and he went for it). But he made the decision to do it without thinking of me. If he had told me he wanted to do this beforehand, I would have driven him to Malibu and come back and picked him up whenever he wanted. But since he had the car, I was stuck. 

 

He knows he owes me one on this.

Glad his life is getting back to normal.

[Ban Hammer 13,421]

8 hours ago, laylalex said:

I'm not nearly that ginger and my mother never let me overpluck my eyebrows (thank you, mom).

 

He was very persuasive in his apologies. So he will live another night, I think.  

men consider being sent to the couch a form of camping......

[TBoneTX 45,572]

13 hours ago, laylalex said:

It's not a hanging offense

Uh... from the attention paid to it here, I beg to differ...

[Voice of Reason 10,298]

On 8/9/2020 at 11:12 AM, laylalex said:

I really do try hard not to be a nag, and I felt awful for being so angry with him. But at the same time, we try really hard to be good communicators since we both had issues with this in our first marriages. I didn't have an issue with him going drinking and having a good time, I had an issue with him breaking an agreement we had in place to run things by each other first, even if we know the other will say yes. So if I want to see my sister, I tell him first. He said he wanted to go see his friend, and he told me first. Not like we could stop each other, but it's all in aid of us keeping doors open. If he had called me to say he wanted to drink more than a couple of beers earlier in the evening, I could have arranged with a friend who lives nearby, and who is part of my bubble, to drive me up there to collect him and the car. But by the time I heard, it was too late to do that. Just disappointed.

 

The price is yet to be determined. I have my eye on a piece of jewelry that's up in San Francisco -- nothing too expensive.

He is male and looks exactly what you think an data scientist in his late 30s who's really into playing Magic the Gathering looks like.   

As I mentioned, it wasn't the drinking that was the issue, it was him going against an agreement we had.  I appreciated him being a safe driver and honest about what he was doing. But it was a teachable moment, definitely. And I give him plenty of room! He has the entire second bedroom as his office, including the daybed where I banished him.

 

We are all good now, he made it up to me by being apologetic and lovely and making dinner for me last night (I talked him through assembling the pizza while I drank the champagne he bought me). He even submitted to watching Legally Blonde with me, which he had never seen before. He said it explained a lot about me.  

Yeah, I read your post above.   If you have a standing agreement to communicate, that changes things up a bit.  If I went out, no biggie.  If I didn't tell my wife what I was doing,  she would have an issue with it as well.  Sorry I sounded so harsh on you, sounds like he's the one who messed up.  I'd say two days of sandwiches without condiments should cure the lapse in judgment.

[laylalex 7,293]

22 minutes ago, Voice of Reason said:

Yeah, I read your post above.   If you have a standing agreement to communicate, that changes things up a bit.  If I went out, no biggie.  If I didn't tell my wife what I was doing,  she would have an issue with it as well.  Sorry I sounded so harsh on you, sounds like he's the one who messed up.  I'd say two days of sandwiches without condiments should cure the lapse in judgment.

Too late, I'm making roast beef with Yorkshire pudding and roasted asparagus with thyme and creminis tonight. He has paid. (And I told him no jewelry was required.)

 

I want to make it a little clearer that if we weren't in a hot spot right now, and there was no pandemic, I wouldn't have cared that he didn't call me before going for beer four or whatever. I mean, I would have still expected the call home to explain what's happening, but since we have struck a deal about what our comfort zone is right now in terms of socializing, we need to keep to it. I suggested that we consider bringing his friend into our bubble so he can do this again from time to time; we are already bringing another one of my friends into ours when she moves down here. We both got tested again yesterday and results should be in by Wednesday at the latest, they told us it could be sooner.

[TBoneTX 45,572]

3 hours ago, laylalex said:

roast beef with Yorkshire pudding and roasted asparagus with thyme and creminis

This is the only man-food in the above roster.

[Burnt Reynolds 5,058]

Looking like we're finally out of the woods on the last lingering newborn issue. Baby got pumped full of mom's milk (the regular sound of baby squirts echoing through the house, along with angry screams from diaper changes) and our arms got a workout holding him in the window like a houseplant to get sunlight. While we're waiting for him to bloom, the good news is his neonatal jaundice and bilirubin are substantially dropping which means less concern now that we have to admit him for phototherapy. We were more cognizant this time around as with our slightly older son we were caught offguard, he was right on the cusp of being admitted for two weeks of phototherapy but we quickly improved it. 

 

Daughter asked why the boys had jaundice and she didn't. The obvious answer was toxic masculinity, but I lied and told her something about her Asian mom and racist genes. 

[laylalex 7,293]

We got our test results back from Sunday: negative, both of us.  Al's friend also got tested and was negative, and we are bringing him into our bubble, so he can now go out to Malibu and blow off steam when he feels like it. Result all around. 

 

And yes, I enjoyed the nasal swab as much as last time.  

[Nature Boy 2.0 8,376]

2 hours ago, laylalex said:

We got our test results back from Sunday: negative, both of us.  Al's friend also got tested and was negative, and we are bringing him into our bubble, so he can now go out to Malibu and blow off steam when he feels like it. Result all around. 

 

And yes, I enjoyed the nasal swab as much as last time.  

[laylalex 7,293]

He's threatening to buy this tshirt now, Nature Boy:

 

https://www.amazon.com/Pile-Driver-Awesome-Funny-Gift/dp/B07L1K7BQY

 

At least it's 100% cotton (except for the heathered shades).

[Voice of Reason 10,298]

20 hours ago, Burnt Reynolds said:

Looking like we're finally out of the woods on the last lingering newborn issue. Baby got pumped full of mom's milk (the regular sound of baby squirts echoing through the house, along with angry screams from diaper changes) and our arms got a workout holding him in the window like a houseplant to get sunlight. While we're waiting for him to bloom, the good news is his neonatal jaundice and bilirubin are substantially dropping which means less concern now that we have to admit him for phototherapy. We were more cognizant this time around as with our slightly older son we were caught offguard, he was right on the cusp of being admitted for two weeks of phototherapy but we quickly improved it. 

 

Daughter asked why the boys had jaundice and she didn't. The obvious answer was toxic masculinity, but I lied and told her something about her Asian mom and racist genes. 

Glad to hear all is well in the baby arena.  We had one run-in with that yellow thingy, but I don't recall it being nearly as bad as yours.  We just did a good amount of sun exposure by throwing the kid on a blanket in the yard, and all was well after a few days.  I wasn't about to stay outside with him, it was HOT that summer!