Not quite sure what I can do!!!!

[arwensun1965 0]

Your question was if your ex can really do anything if he is not on the birth certificate?!

The answer is YES. He does NOT need your permission to add himself to their birth certifcates and obtain parental responsibility for them. It is easier if does get your permission, but he is perfectly within his rights to add himself though a court order or dna testing if required to add himself. Since the children have lived with their paternal grandmother for a significant period of time then I dont think there will be any real question as to their paternity.

Since you did not make any formal legal arrangements for the children when you left the country, he and/or their grandmother will most likely be able to gain legal custody of them.

I think if you want to have sole custody of your children you are going to have a hard time. This is not something that can be handled effectively by an American attorney as you are dealing with British law. You will need to find a British lawyer and probably return to the UK if you want to fight this. Your actions the night before you left the UK will not be looked favourably upon either.

This is not a personal judgement, these are the legal facts.

THANK YOU

This is what I wanted to know

Edited March 28, 2006 by arwensun1965

[gimygirl 0]

IF they had of asked I would of probably agreed.

Janice

janice ...

i'm sure it won't be easy, but you may have to swallow your pride and agree to their arrangements since your children have no intentions of moving to america. it really is impossible to have legal custody with that kind of separation.

best of luck to you all!

[sparkofcreation 0]

janice ...

i'm sure it won't be easy, but you may have to swallow your pride and agree to their arrangements since your children have no intentions of moving to america. it really is impossible to have legal custody with that kind of separation.

best of luck to you all!

I beg to differ ... in the US, at least, there are two types of custody: legal (meaning, who decides where the kids go to school, what religion they are, whether they get braces, etc.) and physical (meaning, where they live most of the time). So Janice could easily have *legal* custody from here--what she can't have is *physical* custody.

I suspect what would happen if this were a US case and the mother moved across the country is that the grandmother would get physical custody and the mother, father, and grandmother would share legal custody. The person with whom they live has to have legal custody so she can enroll them in school, take them to the doctor, etc.

I'm given to understand, though, that in British custody laws it's all or nothing. So I don't know how well that would translate.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

As I understand it - British law, as American law is neither here nor there being that the kids are resident in the UK - you can have joint custody even if 'residential custody' is with the other parent or guardian.

I would think it is highly unlikely that as the absent parent you could be granted sole custody (as you have no residence order at this time - which you would have had if there was no unoffical / agreed arrangement between you and their father that they leave the country - as this was not in their best interests or wishes and you acted according to their wishes).

At the very least you need to write to the court explaining your position - you really MUST ensure you views, and your reasons for leaving them in the safe enviroment (due to you acting on THEIR wishes), are entered into the proceedings- tho I too would recommend seeking proper legal counsel, and retaining a UK solicitor.

Good luck

[Welshcookie 17]

Janice....

Firstly here is a link to information on Parental Responsibility http://www.fnf.org.uk/pro.htm

As some others have said, this will give him the legal right to make choices for your children regarding certain things eg schooling and medical etc, at present only you have this, therefore as he is physically the closest parent to them it is only in their best interests for him to have this also....remember this is a Parental Responsibility Hearing NOT a custody hearing. But once this is established custody issues can be addressed and he will have the right to refuse permission for them to leave the country if at any time you wish the children to live with you in the US.

As for the birth certificate. If his name is not entered I would expect the judge will order a DNA test to verify his parental status, esp as you were never married.

A letter to the court is a good idea btw....esp if you are not going to have legal representation on the court date....although if you want to contest his application (and I don't personally think that any judge will deny this as you are in another country...the children's welfare will be paramount in any decision)then you will need to do something, doing nothing will look bad and work against you

Janice....excuse me for asking but what is it that you want? were you hoping for the children to join you in the US? if not, then I really feel that you need to start concentrating on how you are going to organise visits etc and how to keep in regular contact with your children. You need to stop taking notice of what other people say about you and your own emotions and think what is best for the kids. As a woman who lost custody of my older children many years ago, I know exactly what it is like to be judged by society as a woman without her children....very differently from men who don't get awarded custody I can assure you.

Start making the best of your situation....sometimes choices are made and we have to live with the consequences and learn from them.

You are still their mum and that will never change....keep the contact up....they will still love you as much as always.

Good luck

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Janice....

Firstly here is a link to information on Parental Responsibility http://www.fnf.org.uk/pro.htm

As some others have said, this will give him the legal right to make choices for your children regarding certain things eg schooling and medical etc, at present only you have this, therefore as he is physically the closest parent to them it is only in their best interests for him to have this also....remember this is a Parental Responsibility Hearing NOT a custody hearing. But once this is established custody issues can be addressed and he will have the right to refuse permission for them to leave the country if at any time you wish the children to live with you in the US.

As for the birth certificate. If his name is not entered I would expect the judge will order a DNA test to verify his parental status, esp as you were never married.

A letter to the court is a good idea btw....esp if you are not going to have legal representation on the court date....although if you want to contest his application (and I don't personally think that any judge will deny this as you are in another country...the children's welfare will be paramount in any decision)then you will need to do something, doing nothing will look bad and work against you

Janice....excuse me for asking but what is it that you want? were you hoping for the children to join you in the US? if not, then I really feel that you need to start concentrating on how you are going to organise visits etc and how to keep in regular contact with your children. You need to stop taking notice of what other people say about you and your own emotions and think what is best for the kids. As a woman who lost custody of my older children many years ago, I know exactly what it is like to be judged by society as a woman without her children....very differently from men who don't get awarded custody I can assure you.

Start making the best of your situation....sometimes choices are made and we have to live with the consequences and learn from them.

You are still their mum and that will never change....keep the contact up....they will still love you as much as always.

Good luck

Very well stated...

Janice... good luck... i'm wishing you the best...

My mom always said that there were 3 sides to every story... your side, my side... and the truth...

Now... with that said, that doesn't mean that I don't believe you... quite the opposite... but, that little saying always gives me pause to not judge... because there may be unforeseen circumstances that i know nothing about...

Just wanted you to know that there is someone out here praying for ya... that God's will be done... and that an amicable relationship can be gotten from all of this hulabaloo... What is the most important is the welfare of the children... and it sounds like you have done that.

When I sent my son to stay with his dad for the remainder of the school year, i fetl AWFUL... but, I know that it was what he needed at the time... this isn't about me... it is about him... and what he needs... and what is the best for him.... in my son's case, he needed to learn a lesson...

Even though the situations are different, we are both still mothers... doing what we think is the better for our kids...

Continue to be strong... I'm praying for ya'll.

Blessings

Lynne

[faith 0]

I know that it's hard to NOT take everything said on the boards personally, but you must develop a thicker skin as someone already said in order to get the advice that you were looking for when you posted here.

The question was asked, what do you want? What is it you want? Try to look at it from this point of view.... Someone has to have that legal basis for the kids. Someone has to be able to sign the papers and medical and such. Wouldn't you feel much better knowing that your child could get immediate assistance at a hospital because the father or grandmother could sign for it, rather than having to wait 24 hours or so for you to get the news and fly there and give consent? Or even 3 hours for you to get the news and fax in a consent? It's not feasible.

So ask yourself this question... why did your EX file the papers and not your ex-MIL? Well, that could be something you are overlooking. Is it possible that the grandmother thought of the above scenarios and wanted to be sure the kids were taken care of, and is it possible that knowing that the father will have more rights than a grandparent in most cases nudged the issue to have him do the court thing? And is that a bad thing? Could it be that these people are looking out for the best interests of the children?

You do, however, need to think long and hard about what you are doing. Once abandonment is proven and custody is given up, what are your chances of getting it back, if that is what you want ultimately? What are the long term repurcussions of this. Speak to a lawyer there in the UK and find out what you need to do. Don't ignore court papers, it will only get you farther into a mess.

As far as the people jumping on you about leaving your kids, I can understand their point of view as well. I know that I, for one, can not possibly conceive of ever leaving my children. (I have 2 boys). In fact, when Johnny and I met, it was never an option for me to move there to Denmark to be with him because I would not leave my children, and I would not take my children far away from their father, who they visit every Wednesday and every other weekend. I waited through the long drawn out process of immigration for him to come to me, as I could not go visit him there in Denmark while we were waiting (the kids being the deciding factor on that one). I'm sure that your intentions were the very best for your kids and you thought they were well taken care of, but when people can't conceive of doing something like that themselves, it makes it easy to judge the people that do.

Please think about what you want and what you are going to do, and then make the best decision for your kids. Either way.