Personal Attacks?

[hollyw 0]

The thing that I am struck by is not the fact that people are "attacking" one another. If you wanna read, read. If you wanna post, post. If you have an opinion, state it. Wanna have a debate? Great. Ignore people, report people - whatever. Except to read some things you don't wanna read and say some things that people take the wrong way.

It's the viciousness that shocks me. I love to read the posts on this board, I love this forum, I continue to read even though my husband is here. I think that the people here (the ones that are left) have a formed a very strong support system which is important to both the people that have no where else to turn and those that do. This forum is a gold mine for those of us going through the ME/NA. Without it, I don't think I would have ever decided to file DCF for my husband, I think we would have kept doing long distance until I was able to move to Paris. But the nastiness is one of the reasons why I stopped posting last fall.

[sarah and hicham 3]

This discussion is pretty useless IMO. You are trying to change people's behaviors, but think about it, are the people whose behavior you're trying to change going to do a 180 after reading this thread? I'll tell you....no they are not. As Caladan pointed out, this happens all the time on the internet. See my thread earlier this week ( http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...mp;#entry965420 ).

We are never going to agree on what is the proper posting style here at VJ. There are too many different personalities and experiences. Have a problem? Report it. It is the responsibility of the moderator(s) to determine whether something is against TOS or otherwise shall not be tolerated.

And Tammy- what exactly do you want everyone to do about Jean? Erase what we told her? Those things may sound harsh but it's the truth and very few people here tolerate her trying to get back together with her husband. We don't need you to shake your finger at us, even though you say that's now what you are doing. It's a discussion board as everyone has mentioned and people put themselves out there and the opinions and advice is natural.

We would be bad people to let Jean tell us her story and not give her the best advice we can give her. I would feel guilty being one of the sick people who told her everything can work out with a little bit of counseling.

Thanks anyways.

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

If anyone wants to start a personal attack on me because of what I said, BRING IT ON!

I am NOT condoning anything! I am simply stating a fact! If there are those who want to "think" I am pointing a finger at you, so be it.

These are the facts as I see them:

Jean was attacked by not only her husband, but by the nastiness here. Do you think she enjoyed being beaten by the man that she loves? I can assure you that she did not. Do you know what that does to a womans mental health? And then to attack her? Of course she had doubts as to what to do. He is her Husband, and she loves him. Does that make it right, NO, it does not. But to have to read all the nastiness that came her way because of it? How did any of that make it better? It's like kicking someone when they are already down!

And, it's not just about Jean, what about Julianna? What about Jess? What about the countless other people who have been subjected to such nastiness? The way I see it, if I don't know someone personally, and am very close to them, I would never take the liberties to pass judgment, or to give them advice that may not be wanted, or needed.

Things that do not directly affect your life, sometimes are better left as they are. And not commented on at all. This is my personal opinion, LOL and as I said before, if you don't want to know MY opinion, don't read this POST!! LOL

If anyone wants to start a personal attack on me because of what I said, BRING IT ON!

I am NOT condoning anything! I am simply stating a fact! If there are those who want to "think" I am pointing a finger at you, so be it.

These are the facts as I see them:

Jean was attacked by not only her husband, but by the nastiness here. Do you think she enjoyed being beaten by the man that she loves? I can assure you that she did not. Do you know what that does to a womans mental health? And then to attack her? Of course she had doubts as to what to do. He is her Husband, and she loves him. Does that make it right, NO, it does not. But to have to read all the nastiness that came her way because of it? How did any of that make it better? It's like kicking someone when they are already down!

And, it's not just about Jean, what about Julianna? What about Jess? What about the countless other people who have been subjected to such nastiness? The way I see it, if I don't know someone personally, and am very close to them, I would never take the liberties to pass judgment, or to give them advice that may not be wanted, or needed.

Things that do not directly affect your life, sometimes are better left as they are. And not commented on at all. This is my personal opinion, LOL and as I said before, if you don't want to know MY opinion, don't read this POST!! LOL

[sereia 0]

honestly i think its nice to be able to post somewhat personal things on a relatively annonymous website like this. where else can you get a totally unbiased opinion about something if you need advice? (besides a shrink. HAHA) but i do think its a shame when people give responses that are totally rude and uncalled for. just because it is the internet doesn't mean you can't have tact or common decency. if your friend or family member came to you and needed advice or a shoulder to cry on, would you be as rude to them as some of you are here?

[JODO 2]

On the flip side...there is a lot of stuff I would never, never, never post on VJ because I know that pretty much anything I say could pop up months later down the road and be used against me. If I think it's too private, too personal, too embarrassing, or something I don't want to be judged on...I do not share it here. That doesn't mean that I think VJers are bad people. For the most part they're lovely. However, there are some cards that I'll always keep close to my chest and issues I won't discuss with complete strangers.

After all, this is a message board; it's very easy to say things to people online that you would never say in real life because online there are few if any consequences for being cruel to someone. My point is this...if you are going to share something personal or private in a public forum, do not be surprised if people make judgements, offer opinions, or say things you don't want to hear. I'm not saying it's right, but I am saying it's inevitable.

Cosign

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Furthermore, before you post your personal business on here, seek out a dear friend or family member or other confidante before you post personal details. I have three very dear friends that I met on VJ and anything that relates to immigration that may be personal, I confide in them and get their thoughts as they are going through the process too and can give sound advice. After all, as my grandma always told me, a friend is someone who knows all about you,but likes you anyway.

Also, if you sincerely believe that someone needs to hear certain information that could possibly upset or cause one to become embarrassed or defensive, just send them a PM. After all, if the ultimate goal is that the person hear the information and not simply to ridicule or demean, the person will get the message just as well in PM. Case in point, yesterday I was in the heat of battle in another thread and probably said something that was over the top and I knew that I owed a VJ member an apology.

However, by the time I went back to the thread to apologize, it had been locked. So, instead of saying , oh well, this is the internet and it is not like I will ever see that person , I sent the VJ member a PM and said I am sorry and the member graciously accepted. I know people are different and this is just what works for me and the code of conduct I try to follow when on any public forum.

Edited June 8, 2007 by JODO

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

THANK YOU!!!

Finally someone gets it!!

There is Always going to be someone who doesn't agree with you, or who questions your decisions. That doesn't mean they have the right to attack you with nastiness and rudeness. An example. When I showed my wedding pictures to my own sister, these were her commnets: Your dress was very nice, who did your makeup? Your husband is a hottie, are you sure he didn't marry you for a green card?" Those were her words exactly. Does she know or care how very hurtfull her words were to me? Probably, since she is that way. However, had the situation been reversed, and I had the same thoughts in my head, I would have simply said," You made a very lovely bride, I hope you are both happy". See how words can hurt, or help? Simple, right?

[sarah and hicham 3]

If anyone wants to start a personal attack on me because of what I said, BRING IT ON!

I am NOT condoning anything! I am simply stating a fact! If there are those who want to "think" I am pointing a finger at you, so be it.

These are the facts as I see them:

Jean was attacked by not only her husband, but by the nastiness here. Do you think she enjoyed being beaten by the man that she loves? I can assure you that she did not. Do you know what that does to a womans mental health? And then to attack her? Of course she had doubts as to what to do. He is her Husband, and she loves him. Does that make it right, NO, it does not. But to have to read all the nastiness that came her way because of it? How did any of that make it better? It's like kicking someone when they are already down!

And, it's not just about Jean, what about Julianna? What about Jess? What about the countless other people who have been subjected to such nastiness? The way I see it, if I don't know someone personally, and am very close to them, I would never take the liberties to pass judgment, or to give them advice that may not be wanted, or needed.

Things that do not directly affect your life, sometimes are better left as they are. And not commented on at all. This is my personal opinion, LOL and as I said before, if you don't want to know MY opinion, don't read this POST!! LOL

If anyone wants to start a personal attack on me because of what I said, BRING IT ON!

I am NOT condoning anything! I am simply stating a fact! If there are those who want to "think" I am pointing a finger at you, so be it.

These are the facts as I see them:

Jean was attacked by not only her husband, but by the nastiness here. Do you think she enjoyed being beaten by the man that she loves? I can assure you that she did not. Do you know what that does to a womans mental health? And then to attack her? Of course she had doubts as to what to do. He is her Husband, and she loves him. Does that make it right, NO, it does not. But to have to read all the nastiness that came her way because of it? How did any of that make it better? It's like kicking someone when they are already down!

And, it's not just about Jean, what about Julianna? What about Jess? What about the countless other people who have been subjected to such nastiness? The way I see it, if I don't know someone personally, and am very close to them, I would never take the liberties to pass judgment, or to give them advice that may not be wanted, or needed.

Things that do not directly affect your life, sometimes are better left as they are. And not commented on at all. This is my personal opinion, LOL and as I said before, if you don't want to know MY opinion, don't read this POST!! LOL

What nastiness to Jean? People are helping her more than she knows it.

I don't get what you want to come from this thread. A pat on the back? Do you want people to apologize to Jean? What has been said is said and I don't think anyone regrets the advice they gave to Jean. It's human nature to try to help someone who is in a situation like Jean.

[LaL 418]

Also, if you sincerely believe that someone needs to hear certain information that could possibly upset or cause one to become embarrassed or defensive, just send them a PM. After all, if the ultimate goal is that the person hear the information and not simply to ridicule or demean, the person will get the message just as well in PM.

[Caladan 19]

Part of the problem is that 'offensive' seems to be conflated with 'has a different opinion than me and doesn't agree.' I see no reason for people to chase down and harass people, but for the board to be worthwhile, people have to be able to say more than 'I love you and I support you and will nod along with whatever you say.'

[Jackie&Yosdani 0]

good Post!!

I've seen it happen too.. i think alot of people have hate in their heart and wake up in the morning just waiting to see who they can make feel bad..

You just have to learn how to ignore them..

[KarenCee 3]

good Post!!

I've seen it happen too.. i think alot of people have hate in their heart and wake up in the morning just waiting to see who they can make feel bad..

You just have to learn how to ignore them..

This happens too much on this site as a whole. This place is supposed to be for information and support. That hasn't been the case lately in a lot of areas.

IMHO the personal attacks are...well....can you say DRAMA? Some people seem to thrive on drama. That takes away from what this site was originally intended from. OT is a place to talk about other things rather than always focusing on immigration, but there are personal attacks that happen there as well. I thought regional forums were to help each other, not tear each other down. I guess I was wrong, eh? *sigh*

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

No, I am not looking for a "pat on the back". Not at all. I just question whatever happened to human kindness, compassion, there is not enough of either in the world these days. There IS a way to give advice, and your opinions, without being rude, or nasty. I have not pointed a finger at anyone, have not mentioned even one name, in all of this today. I am simply stating MY opinion on what I have seen here. I don't expect anyone to say "sorry" to anyone, least of all to me. Sorry is an easy word to say, but once the hurt has been delivered, it doesn't mean very much to the person who was hurt in the first place. Once the damage has been done, it is done. As I see it, vj lost two very good people, that I know of, and I wonder how many more have, or will leave?

[brnidokiegurl 0]

ALSO ANOTHER GOOD ONE THAT HELPED WITH THE RETURNS........and more before those last two...

[doodlebug 3]

vj has lost a lot more than two people since I've been here.

There is JP, VP, mybackpages, bosco, Rahma, ..........................those are the only permanent ones I can think of so far but I'm sure the list is longer.

[Jenn! 918]

vj has lost a lot more than two people since I've been here.

There is JP, VP, mybackpages, bosco, Rahma, ..........................those are the only permanent ones I can think of so far but I'm sure the list is longer.

Who's next?

(my sad attempt at levity )