For those with children

[doodlebug 3]

Lets see if this can be a good discussion or if it will last all of two threads. lol.

I think that a good chunk of peeps here most probably have children from a previous relationship. A big issue in my mind is how do you handle the fact that you have a spouse/fiance in one country and children in another?

How do you all handle this? For me personally, I feel that my children come first and foremost. I have sacraficed a good chunk of my life dedicating myself to making them feel loved and secure. My children happen to have a good relationship with their dad and see him every Wednesday and every other weekend along with some full weeks in the summer. This has worked for us and I'm always suprised at how their teachers remark at how they don't seem affected at all by our divorce.

That being said, when it was time for me to travel to see my spouse, I made the decision to leave them at home for the eleven or so days that I was gone. This was very difficult for me, not because I had never been apart for that length of time...I had but I had always been in the next town over. I plan on going again to see him in July, only because since he is from Egypt it is impossible for him to get a visitor's visa to come here and we've been apart for almost six months now. I am dreading it again...not due to the absense but due to the distance.

I would love to hear other's experiences and insights on how you all handle these situations.

This is in no way a means to attack any individual person on this board.........wanted to get that out there. I am truly curious about what others do and would like to have a civil discussion about it.

[melly 0]

I'm curious as to what people think is an "okay" age to leave your child with your ex to go live in another country?

I have a son who will be in 8th grade next year. I can't imagine leaving him to go live in Egypt, and yet I can't imagine being away from my fiance for who knows how many years.

I have some ideas about what I will do and when, but I know that it is ultimately up to Allah what will happen.

[~Jackie~ 30]

What do you mean by 'handle it'? I'm sure most do what you did, leave the children at home to go be with their SO. I know I left my beautiful Jessica and my son Joshua home, they loved it. A week without me. I left my grandaughter, Alexis. I'm not sure what the issue is here, but I am sure someone will be along shortly to tell me.

Jackie

[JoeMama 0]

It probably differs for a guy to leave for that amount of time. I have 3 daughters. My oldest is with me full time. The other 2 are with me more than 1/2 the time. They're very supportive of my decisions and what I am doing to bring my fiancee' to be with us. Speaking from my experience, I usually leave for 2 weeks when I go to Ukraine. Sure, I miss my girls. But I'm confident that I have taken care of all arrangements with my family and my ex while I am gone. I know the girls will be fine while I am away. I always send text messages 2 times a day to them. I stay in contact with my girls and my family to insure everything is fine. And it is. Been away 4 times there in the last 2 years, and came back to everything being fine! That's about the best I can tell you about my experience. Leaving the children for a short time is not detrimental to them.

Edited June 8, 2007 by JoeMama

[doodlebug 3]

I'm curious as to what people think is an "okay" age to leave your child with your ex to go live in another country?

I have a son who will be in 8th grade next year. I can't imagine leaving him to go live in Egypt, and yet I can't imagine being away from my fiance for who knows how many years.

I have some ideas about what I will do and when, but I know that it is ultimately up to Allah what will happen.

That's a good question. I mean a lot of dynamics come into play with older kids in a divorce. For one thing, they are suddenly able to actually choose who to stay with. That is something I'm already kind of experiencing even though my daugthers are in 4th and 5th grade. A few times this year they've actually not wanted to go be with their dad when it was his weekend and it really stumped both of us since for so many years it's just been routine and they have never voiced their opinion before.

I would think that at a certain point, their vote is more heavily weighed, whereas with say a 3 yr old obviously the parent knows best.

[lynamon 0]

I'm taking my son with me ... the circumstances will be alot different for me than most .. it will only be a 4 1/2 hour drive for my son to see his father in Canada.

[sarah and hicham 3]

What do you mean by 'handle it'? I'm sure most do what you did, leave the children at home to go be with their SO. I know I left my beautiful Jessica and my son Joshua home, they loved it. A week without me. I left my grandaughter, Alexis. I'm not sure what the issue is here, but I am sure someone will be along shortly to tell me.

Jackie

I assume she's talking about spending months in the SO's country and leaving the kids at home. One week is something very different.

[doodlebug 3]

What do you mean by 'handle it'? I'm sure most do what you did, leave the children at home to go be with their SO. I know I left my beautiful Jessica and my son Joshua home, they loved it. A week without me. I left my grandaughter, Alexis. I'm not sure what the issue is here, but I am sure someone will be along shortly to tell me.

Jackie

Well I think there are a lot of issues, i.e. what do you tell them, how do you keep in touch while you are gone, who do they stay with, etc. etc. etc. I mean seriously someone could write a book about all the different aspects involved I would think.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I'm curious as to what people think is an "okay" age to leave your child with your ex to go live in another country?

I have a son who will be in 8th grade next year. I can't imagine leaving him to go live in Egypt, and yet I can't imagine being away from my fiance for who knows how many years.

I have some ideas about what I will do and when, but I know that it is ultimately up to Allah what will happen.

That's a good question. I mean a lot of dynamics come into play with older kids in a divorce. For one thing, they are suddenly able to actually choose who to stay with. That is something I'm already kind of experiencing even though my daugthers are in 4th and 5th grade. A few times this year they've actually not wanted to go be with their dad when it was his weekend and it really stumped both of us since for so many years it's just been routine and they have never voiced their opinion before.

I would think that at a certain point, their vote is more heavily weighed, whereas with say a 3 yr old obviously the parent knows best.

We can only hope....

[Ban Hammer 13,282]

What do you mean by 'handle it'? I'm sure most do what you did, leave the children at home to go be with their SO. I know I left my beautiful Jessica and my son Joshua home, they loved it. A week without me. I left my grandaughter, Alexis. I'm not sure what the issue is here, but I am sure someone will be along shortly to tell me.

Jackie

true!

[~Jackie~ 30]

ya know what they say about assuming......

J

[sarah and hicham 3]

Since Id on't have kids I guess that my opinion doesn't matter but I think it's wrong to leave kids behind.

I can say however that my parents were both around when I was a baby and when I was growing up and that I feel very lucky that I have good parents. I remember a lot of my childhood as a 3+ year old and all of my memories involve my parents. I think it's important that if parents have the choice to stay with their kids or not that they choose their children. I know it's not always possible in some cases but for the child's sake if it's possible to stay with them then I think that's the best way to go for everyone. I can't imagine my Mom or Dad leaving me with Grandma or whoever for months at a time. I would have really missed my parents if they did that to me.

ya know what they say about assuming......

J

No, I don't know. What do they say?

Clearly there is a large difference in leaving for a week to go on a trip and leaving for months to go live with a boyfriend/girlfriend.

[~Jackie~ 30]

how about for a husband/wife?

J

[doodlebug 3]

I think it sounds more important when the word husband/wife is used in terms of going to be with them and leaving the children behind but I also believe the fact of the matter is.....that huband or wife is a relationship that came after the fact.....after the child was born and after that responsibility was incurred. Sure the husband/wife is an important relationship to cultivate but I think that children trump it each and every time, which is why I am alone tonight on my laptop instead of being asleep with my husband who is thousands of miles away.

[KarenCee 3]

What do you mean by 'handle it'? I'm sure most do what you did, leave the children at home to go be with their SO. I know I left my beautiful Jessica and my son Joshua home, they loved it. A week without me. I left my grandaughter, Alexis. I'm not sure what the issue is here, but I am sure someone will be along shortly to tell me.

Jackie

Well I think there are a lot of issues, i.e. what do you tell them, how do you keep in touch while you are gone, who do they stay with, etc. etc. etc. I mean seriously someone could write a book about all the different aspects involved I would think.

I left my daughter twice to go spend a week with my fiancé (now husband). She stayed with her biological father. She and I talked everyday by cellphone. The last two times I flew to see Joel, she came with me. Although she liked having all that time with her bio father, she told me very plainly she did NOT like being left behind. She doesn't have that to worry about anymore...there will be no more leaving her behind.