US SPOUSE, cheating, lying, abusing mentally

[simple_male 1]

Hello Everyone..

I got here on Feb -K1 visa- We got married Feb too. My husband is driving me crazy.

He lived with me in my country for 3 yrs.. We were totally happy. I came for the first time to know his home, his life, and that was disappointing.

How can someone hide his "real you"!!???

• He has messed up all posible things in his past.
  
• He has huge Child support debts, and just got a warrant.
  
• Has a tremendous debt from College, he never paid.. everyone is behind him!
  
• he does not want to work formally, so they dont deduct the child support thing.. he is only in "gigs".
  
• Of course, have been days we have no money not even to pay phone, food.
  
• He spends 2 nights average sleeping at his EX's place (because of
  

his kids, he said)

Im really tired of this. He keeps swearing he loves me and cry and stuff.. And.. As many women, in love, I supported him, I gave him trust, I tried to help him to realize what he is doing the wrong way.. to realize his kids need him, I need him, etc..

And just today he came back home from his EX;s after 4 days.. I did not receive not even a single call, mail.. He really gave me a hard time..

He says he was locked up for this warrant thing when an officer in the train station asked him for his ID!!? Is this stupidity possible? someone experienced with child support do know about it?

Im completly DONE with this. I decided to leave him in a few days. Im planning on talking to him and ask him not to stop my immigration process. at least he owes me that. Im hating him right know..but I think is it better, leave him cordially, not friends but niether enemies..

What you think? Maybe some of you, with a clearest mind than mine, have a different point of view..

-What are my chances if we separate and just go back for the interview?

-If he receives an RFE or anything, could I respond from another state than ours?

:-)

A. from New York

I am sorry to hear your story. Please consult an immigration attorney to weigh your options. If you are abused, you need to document the proofs. I wish you all the best.

Edited June 8, 2007 by simple_male

[Donna A 4]

if u want to stay i think the best thing to do is start collecting eveidence of his infideleity and anything else you can against him. u will need proof that u entered the marriege on good faith and it was him who screwed up.

i still dont understand why the ex would even want him around when he dont pay support to his children.

[LonnieNCarmie 0]

Sorry friends from VJ!

Actually writing here was a kind of relief. If you have recomendations on how get over a situation like this, please advice! any books? websites? a way to get counseling?

and for those passing thru a separation, divorce or just being frustrated and disappointed.. Good luck and let's be strong.

Ok I am definately sorry to hear of you maritial problems, it seems to me if he was in your country to run away from the real issues he had here in the US. He then after 3 years wanted to return with you and make a future with you. Then to give it to you straight saw he ex and kids and probably wanted that possible life again. Now I am going to be real with you I think this man is torn between you and his ex that much I know you can figure out. He is your husband so because he lied to you that wasn't good. But now its about how do you connect back with him, and you both try to get out of the mess of his past. If staying here in the US means that much to you then you will make the marriage work assuming he still loves you the way he says. But first you must insist on some non negotiables 1. No over nights at the Ex wife house period. Take the kids to the park or bring them to your place. He may think getting back in good with the ex will help his child support issue not this is out of her control now. 2. Reassure him that you are still behind him 100% if thats the case. 3. You seem very smart if he is willing you both roll up your sleeves and put together an action plan to deal with your financial issues. 4. For richer or poorer means you work it out but only if he sticks to the plan you both agree upon.

[Queen Jenn 0]

Whatever choice you make, I wish you luck.

IF YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND-

1. Contact the state bar office in your area and they should be able to give you the names of immigration attorneys - you will need one.

2. For the social counseling, I believe that many churches offer counseling services and you don't have to be a member of that church (I know mine does). Or, there may be a community counseling center that you can use.

IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY IN THE MARRIAGE-

1. STILL contact a social counselor. In fact, I would suggest that you BOTH go to counseling together. If he loves you, he should be willing to go to counseling with you.

2. He needs to get a REAL job, pay his taxes and PAY THE CHILD SUPPORT. He should be willing to do that to make the marriage work.

3. ALSO, I agree - no more overnights at the ex's place. WHAT WAS HE THINKING???? He DOES NOT have to stay overnight to spend time with the kids. And he SHOULDN'T be spending that kind of time with the ex.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Hello Everyone..

I got here on Feb -K1 visa- We got married Feb too. My husband is driving me crazy.

He lived with me in my country for 3 yrs.. We were totally happy. I came for the first time to know his home, his life, and that was disappointing.

How can someone hide his "real you"!!???

• He has messed up all posible things in his past.
  
• He has huge Child support debts, and just got a warrant.
  
• Has a tremendous debt from College, he never paid.. everyone is behind him!
  
• he does not want to work formally, so they dont deduct the child support thing.. he is only in "gigs".
  
• Of course, have been days we have no money not even to pay phone, food.
  
• He spends 2 nights average sleeping at his EX's place (because of
  

his kids, he said)

Im really tired of this. He keeps swearing he loves me and cry and stuff.. And.. As many women, in love, I supported him, I gave him trust, I tried to help him to realize what he is doing the wrong way.. to realize his kids need him, I need him, etc..

And just today he came back home from his EX;s after 4 days.. I did not receive not even a single call, mail.. He really gave me a hard time..

He says he was locked up for this warrant thing when an officer in the train station asked him for his ID!!? Is this stupidity possible? someone experienced with child support do know about it?

Im completly DONE with this. I decided to leave him in a few days. Im planning on talking to him and ask him not to stop my immigration process. at least he owes me that. Im hating him right know..but I think is it better, leave him cordially, not friends but niether enemies..

What you think? Maybe some of you, with a clearest mind than mine, have a different point of view..

-What are my chances if we separate and just go back for the interview?

-If he receives an RFE or anything, could I respond from another state than ours?

:-)

A. from New York

If you arrived in the USA in Feb 2007 on a K-1, how did he satisfy USCIS Affidavit of Support issues, if he lived with you for 3 years in your country? And if he did submit an I-134, how did he resolve the domicile issue? Surely, the I-134 was a tip-off to his financial situation, no?

[payxibka 10,047]

If you arrived in the USA in Feb 2007 on a K-1, how did he satisfy USCIS Affidavit of Support issues, if he lived with you for 3 years in your country? And if he did submit an I-134, how did he resolve the domicile issue? Surely, the I-134 was a tip-off to his financial situation, no?

Not all consulates require submission of an I-134 and as is the situation here, CID happens to be one of them.

[Yaads 0]

Sorry to hear of your marriage problems I hope that you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with and works for you.

Whatever choice you make, I wish you luck.

IF YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND-

1. Contact the state bar office in your area and they should be able to give you the names of immigration attorneys - you will need one.

2. For the social counseling, I believe that many churches offer counseling services and you don't have to be a member of that church (I know mine does). Or, there may be a community counseling center that you can use.

IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY IN THE MARRIAGE-

1. STILL contact a social counselor. In fact, I would suggest that you BOTH go to counseling together. If he loves you, he should be willing to go to counseling with you.

2. He needs to get a REAL job, pay his taxes and PAY THE CHILD SUPPORT. He should be willing to do that to make the marriage work.

3. ALSO, I agree - no more overnights at the ex's place. WHAT WAS HE THINKING???? He DOES NOT have to stay overnight to spend time with the kids. And he SHOULDN'T be spending that kind of time with the ex.

Good advice

[Jackie&Yosdani 0]

OMG!!!

You should consult an attorney..

I hope you can work things out..

good luck..

[Yaads 0]

I'm perplexed. These are life issues. No marriage is necessarily absent of them. Staying with you for 3 years in your country just might have played a role in the financial chaos he is facing now. He failed to disclose his real financial mess, but should that impact your commitment ? What about the whole "....in sickness and in health" bit?

If you choose to end this marriage, it is simply that ~ your choice. A choice that appears to me to be a desire to remove yourself from the liabilities that your husband has and that marriage to him has entailed. You are entitled to make that choice, but why would you think that by escaping the liability you should be able to retain any benefits that you might have been hoping for in terms of permanent residency?

In my opinion a situation like this would breed a HUGE amount of trust issues. Vows mean a lot to me personally but did he really enter into his honestly by withholding very important information prior to the wedding and based on what she has said he really isn't holding up his end of them...just a thought.

I encourage you to stick with your marriage and work on things if you are able to. Marriage counseling can be very helpful in times like these...Good luck!

[Nessa 23]

First of all, sorry about your situation.

Second, I applaud you for being honest about your reasons to wanting to stay here, which is quite unusual on VJ, people usually makes excuses as for why they want to remain here, anyway, I wish you good luck on trying to stay in the States, I understand that you left everything behind and now you're rebuilding your life and you don't want, again, to have to leave the life you have behind. I hope you do it legally, though and I wish you success in life.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I'm perplexed. These are life issues. No marriage is necessarily absent of them. Staying with you for 3 years in your country just might have played a role in the financial chaos he is facing now. He failed to disclose his real financial mess, but should that impact your commitment ? What about the whole "....in sickness and in health" bit?

If you choose to end this marriage, it is simply that ~ your choice. A choice that appears to me to be a desire to remove yourself from the liabilities that your husband has and that marriage to him has entailed. You are entitled to make that choice, but why would you think that by escaping the liability you should be able to retain any benefits that you might have been hoping for in terms of permanent residency?

In my opinion a situation like this would breed a HUGE amount of trust issues. Vows mean a lot to me personally but did he really enter into his honestly by withholding very important information prior to the wedding and based on what she has said he really isn't holding up his end of them...just a thought.

I encourage you to stick with your marriage and work on things if you are able to. Marriage counseling can be very helpful in times like these...Good luck!

Playing Devil's advocate here....Failure to disclose financial troubles could be cause for alarm and could be reason to take measures, indeed. Conversely, failure to disclose that one's commitment would falter and be revoked if financial stature is not as presented is also cause for alarm and measures as well.

Inserting the what ifs... what if his arrearage in Child Support was a direct consequence of his stay abroad to be with his current wife? Whilst it may have demonstrated irresponsibility to his children to place himself in that position, it could be he just didn't exercise good judgment, trying to "please all parties". Just something to think of....

[Yaads 0]

Yeah I was playing a bit of Devils advocate as well. Interesting all the views you can take on this situation. Honestly I don't know what I would do...

To the OP ~ Good luck once again and feel free to ask anymore questions you may have

[Nancy2015 2]

I'm perplexed. These are life issues. No marriage is necessarily absent of them. Staying with you for 3 years in your country just might have played a role in the financial chaos he is facing now. He failed to disclose his real financial mess, but should that impact your commitment ? What about the whole "....in sickness and in health" bit?

If you choose to end this marriage, it is simply that ~ your choice. A choice that appears to me to be a desire to remove yourself from the liabilities that your husband has and that marriage to him has entailed. You are entitled to make that choice, but why would you think that by escaping the liability you should be able to retain any benefits that you might have been hoping for in terms of permanent residency?

I agree with you.

[Aurora NY 0]

hello Everyone.. Thanks for all your comments, advices, support..

Well, we talked. We are going to separate, eventually divorce. Facts as follows:

Leaving some lies behind and because I love him, I insisted in make this marriage works. Offered my help, even financially. He is weak (or I dont find the word).. He opened his heart, some hours of hard drama, and asked me to leave him. He says, he is realizing his past is such a mess, and now, after living together in the US, he feel guilty, he can't made me happy.

Yeah. It hurt me.. a Lot.. He confessed the Ex is taking the child support debt off him if he does what she "needs" for the kids. ??!! And I wonder myself! Did I really get married with this man!????? Im angry, sad, I feel sorry !

So, yeah.. what is next is moving from this house, start again. We barely mentioned the AOS process, but he told me, "If you want it, you got it.. dont worry about it, Im not filing divorce until you do, now or in years":..

It has been hard, but we are still friends, we still sleep together, we still have dinner together. What is funny is, now while we have a conversation during dinner, we talk about "what are you planning to do, when you wanna live now, are you going to tell your family, how you see yourself without me.." wow! before we used to talk about our future together..

And for those playing the devil's advocate:

You are right "mermaid". Some of his Child Support was a direct consequence of his stay abroad with me. While in my country, even my brother offered help financially, he always said everything was ok, child support thing was automatically paid, deducted from a bank account. And Yes, he accepted he was outside US trying to forget his past, dues, problems, etc..Obviously now I can see it clear as crystal.

If you arrived in the USA in Feb 2007 on a K-1, how did he satisfy USCIS Affidavit of Support issues, if he lived with you for 3 years in your country? And if he did submit an I-134, how did he resolve the domicile issue? Surely, the I-134 was a tip-off to his financial situation, no?

We submitted the affidavit of course. Any expense and affidavits and financial stuff for the process has been made with my money. The domicile issue was never a problem because he owns an apartment in the US, so almost all correspondence was sent to the US address, then via fedEx to my home.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

hello Everyone.. Thanks for all your comments, advices, support..

Well, we talked. We are going to separate, eventually divorce. Facts as follows:

Leaving some lies behind and because I love him, I insisted in make this marriage works. Offered my help, even financially. He is weak (or I dont find the word).. He opened his heart, some hours of hard drama, and asked me to leave him. He says, he is realizing his past is such a mess, and now, after living together in the US, he feel guilty, he can't made me happy.

Yeah. It hurt me.. a Lot.. He confessed the Ex is taking the child support debt off him if he does what she "needs" for the kids. ??!! And I wonder myself! Did I really get married with this man!????? Im angry, sad, I feel sorry !

So, yeah.. what is next is moving from this house, start again. We barely mentioned the AOS process, but he told me, "If you want it, you got it.. dont worry about it, Im not filing divorce until you do, now or in years":..

It has been hard, but we are still friends, we still sleep together, we still have dinner together. What is funny is, now while we have a conversation during dinner, we talk about "what are you planning to do, when you wanna live now, are you going to tell your family, how you see yourself without me.." wow! before we used to talk about our future together..

And for those playing the devil's advocate:

You are right "mermaid". Some of his Child Support was a direct consequence of his stay abroad with me. While in my country, even my brother offered help financially, he always said everything was ok, child support thing was automatically paid, deducted from a bank account. And Yes, he accepted he was outside US trying to forget his past, dues, problems, etc..Obviously now I can see it clear as crystal.

If you arrived in the USA in Feb 2007 on a K-1, how did he satisfy USCIS Affidavit of Support issues, if he lived with you for 3 years in your country? And if he did submit an I-134, how did he resolve the domicile issue? Surely, the I-134 was a tip-off to his financial situation, no?

We submitted the affidavit of course. Any expense and affidavits and financial stuff for the process has been made with my money. The domicile issue was never a problem because he owns an apartment in the US, so almost all correspondence was sent to the US address, then via fedEx to my home.

Just as I first commented, this should not have come as a surprise to you. Indeed, if financial issues rose their ugly head in your country, (a US citizen petitioner, your fiancé, not being able to handle his finances without your assistance) you must have anticipated that there could be problems ahead. I can't fathom how he could meet the Affidivait of Support requirements for adjustment of status, especially with a divorce on the horizon.