Bride-to-be swallows engagement ring in her sleep during an 'action-packed' dream

[laylalex 7,284]

Well, let's use me as a test case since, um, I'm here and I did just that (although we didn't make it to 10 years). I gave up my job at my husband's request to focus on homemaking. When I stopped working, I wasn't making a ton of money, but it was respectable and I had enough to afford rent on a one bed in Pasadena, my student loans, and all my bills with a little left over for savings. I didn't want to quit, and I tried working part time for a while after I married, but my ex convinced me it was in both our interests if I quit for good. So I did. I wasn't sitting around watching TV all day -- we frequently entertained at home, so I had to organize and plan and execute dinners at least once a week, and I also had to accompany him as his plus one to various events. My "job" was to make him look good to colleagues -- be charming and well-groomed and make his home look beautiful. It sounds dumb, but it's actually a lot of work. And yes, I did have a housekeeper, but for the things like decorating and cooking I did it all myself. It's not "easy" just because it doesn't involve sitting in meetings (although it frequently did, just with interior designers or florists or whatever) or working in an office. And on some level, yes, it did feel like a "waste" of my degree. I sometimes felt frustrated and bored. But I signed up for it when I married him -- it was part of the deal. 

 

Let's say I didn't have my kickass prenup (  ) -- this is a community property state so I would have gotten half of his earnings during the marriage. I have no idea how much those were, because I had nothing to do with taxes, and there was always plenty of money around. Whether it was his family money or money he made, I don't know. For all I know, he has some elaborate shell company setup to protect him. Anyway, why would it be fair for me to go from being brought into a very high standard of living from a pretty standard middle class one to basically nothing at all when we divorced? I had no income of my own, and I had no career left. If I walked away, I would have had to have moved back in with my parents from my large house and all the creature comforts. If I'd have never met him, I would have had my regular middle class life, but since I did meet and marry him, on divorce I would have been left with less than what I started with. How is that fair? I had expectations of living at a certain level of comfort that he created himself, expectations that my life would always be very comfortable. I gave up my own way of reaching comfort to take what he offered. And now I'm to be penalized? Until we had an interim support order during our divorce proceedings, I only had what money he left me in the joint checking account, which was the only thing then even partially in my name. It was scary, knowing I was dependent on whatever he felt like leaving in there. And he did pull some frightening stuff on me, like leave only a couple of hundred bucks in there once and tell me that I should figure out how to live within my means. I had lost control of so much over the years, money, career, my sense of who I was not as his wife. I'm still relearning these things now.

 

I know that my spousal maintenance payments end when I remarry, so I have been careful with spending. I save and I live a relatively frugal lifestyle, though I spend money where it's good value to do so. I do buy the occasional designer handbag or new piece of clothing, but I tend to keep these purchases down. I do not ever want to be in the position again where I am dependent on someone else. Alex and I have agreed in principle that I will contribute towards joint expenses like rent/mortgage, bills, etc. on a 50/50 basis, but I will deposit the money as needed in a joint account only for these bills. As far as I'm concerned, otherwise his money is his to spend and mine is mine. We are going to a financial planner soon to discuss how to work some of the more complex aspects out of our finances since there are cross-border concerns, too, and some estate planning issues to go over beyond that. He's also going to need to learn to live within his means, which may mean pulling back on some of the support he gives to his mother and sister. They are both artists and neither has ever had a "real" job -- he's been their support his entire adult life. I feel like a jerk but it's about time they made at least something for themselves!

 

LOL, that was long. Thank you for listening to my TED Talk!  

[Voice of Reason 10,298]

4 hours ago, laylalex said:

Well, let's use me as a test case since, um, I'm here and I did just that (although we didn't make it to 10 years). I gave up my job at my husband's request to focus on homemaking. When I stopped working, I wasn't making a ton of money, but it was respectable and I had enough to afford rent on a one bed in Pasadena, my student loans, and all my bills with a little left over for savings. I didn't want to quit, and I tried working part time for a while after I married, but my ex convinced me it was in both our interests if I quit for good. So I did. I wasn't sitting around watching TV all day -- we frequently entertained at home, so I had to organize and plan and execute dinners at least once a week, and I also had to accompany him as his plus one to various events. My "job" was to make him look good to colleagues -- be charming and well-groomed and make his home look beautiful. It sounds dumb, but it's actually a lot of work. And yes, I did have a housekeeper, but for the things like decorating and cooking I did it all myself. It's not "easy" just because it doesn't involve sitting in meetings (although it frequently did, just with interior designers or florists or whatever) or working in an office. And on some level, yes, it did feel like a "waste" of my degree. I sometimes felt frustrated and bored. But I signed up for it when I married him -- it was part of the deal. 

 

Let's say I didn't have my kickass prenup (  ) -- this is a community property state so I would have gotten half of his earnings during the marriage. I have no idea how much those were, because I had nothing to do with taxes, and there was always plenty of money around. Whether it was his family money or money he made, I don't know. For all I know, he has some elaborate shell company setup to protect him. Anyway, why would it be fair for me to go from being brought into a very high standard of living from a pretty standard middle class one to basically nothing at all when we divorced? I had no income of my own, and I had no career left. If I walked away, I would have had to have moved back in with my parents from my large house and all the creature comforts. If I'd have never met him, I would have had my regular middle class life, but since I did meet and marry him, on divorce I would have been left with less than what I started with. How is that fair? I had expectations of living at a certain level of comfort that he created himself, expectations that my life would always be very comfortable. I gave up my own way of reaching comfort to take what he offered. And now I'm to be penalized? Until we had an interim support order during our divorce proceedings, I only had what money he left me in the joint checking account, which was the only thing then even partially in my name. It was scary, knowing I was dependent on whatever he felt like leaving in there. And he did pull some frightening stuff on me, like leave only a couple of hundred bucks in there once and tell me that I should figure out how to live within my means. I had lost control of so much over the years, money, career, my sense of who I was not as his wife. I'm still relearning these things now.

 

I know that my spousal maintenance payments end when I remarry, so I have been careful with spending. I save and I live a relatively frugal lifestyle, though I spend money where it's good value to do so. I do buy the occasional designer handbag or new piece of clothing, but I tend to keep these purchases down. I do not ever want to be in the position again where I am dependent on someone else. Alex and I have agreed in principle that I will contribute towards joint expenses like rent/mortgage, bills, etc. on a 50/50 basis, but I will deposit the money as needed in a joint account only for these bills. As far as I'm concerned, otherwise his money is his to spend and mine is mine. We are going to a financial planner soon to discuss how to work some of the more complex aspects out of our finances since there are cross-border concerns, too, and some estate planning issues to go over beyond that. He's also going to need to learn to live within his means, which may mean pulling back on some of the support he gives to his mother and sister. They are both artists and neither has ever had a "real" job -- he's been their support his entire adult life. I feel like a jerk but it's about time they made at least something for themselves!

 

LOL, that was long. Thank you for listening to my TED Talk!  

If you're gonna get married, then your money is his, and his, yours.  If you're not on board with that, then perhaps you should heed some of Boris' flag pics.

 

And no, you wouldn't have gotten half his earnings during the marriage, because you already SPENT those, while you were married.  You (most likely) WOULD have gotten a large settlement that you didn't really earn because you are a woman.  Nothing more.  Gotta take that hard-earned money from the man and give it to the fair lass who stayed at home.

 

To be fair, you say he made you stay home, so I will excuse you from sitting at home on your own.  

 

Let's say I make decent money, such that my wife needs not work outside the home (and we don't entertain at all, and live in a really small place).  And I'm good with this.  So for 10 years, she keeps our home in order while I toil in the mines.  Then she falls for another guy and leaves me.  Should I have to pay her alimony?

[laylalex 7,284]

I owe you a real reply to your questions which I think deserve some actual thoughts on my side (even though I have only a woman's pancake of a brain and not a man's waffle brain which keeps in syrupy knowledge), but I am packing up for the evening here at work. So I'll reply later.  

[Voice of Reason 10,298]

30 minutes ago, laylalex said:

I owe you a real reply to your questions which I think deserve some actual thoughts on my side (even though I have only a woman's pancake of a brain and not a man's waffle brain which keeps in syrupy knowledge), but I am packing up for the evening here at work. So I'll reply later.  

Take your time.  I'm preparing for my SFO trip.  Words on VJ last a long time.

[laylalex 7,284]

2 hours ago, ALFKAD said:

Take your time.  I'm preparing for my SFO trip.  Words on VJ last a long time.

Have a great time -- sorry we can't see you. I'll raise a glass of over-priced champagne in your honor at our engagement do tomorrow evening.  

[Voice of Reason 10,298]

14 hours ago, laylalex said:

Have a great time -- sorry we can't see you. I'll raise a glass of over-priced champagne in your honor at our engagement do tomorrow evening.  

Congrats to you both.  May it last forever, yet not feel like forever....

Edited October 25, 2019 by ALFKAD

[Ontarkie 14,218]

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