im so depressed

[poppscc 0]

after reading your last post tiki, I may reconsider my thought. Your husband seems like a piece of #######. Having an ex as a *best friend* should never be allowed. You, as a wife, need to confront him on this issue. I would not appreciate my fiance being friends with her ex, and by the same token, I would never do that to her.

[tiki 0]

thank u for all ur advise guys..i am feeling so relief now. yeah i guess i should just understand my husband on how he feels now. im just praying that one day everything will be fine.

[Krikit 1,164]

Tiki, you need to remember that all those changes to a body during pregnancy will cause many females to become completely irrational at times. Sometimes perceptions are all in the mind and have not manifested themselves in reality. Couple that with all the recent changes in your life then consider the possibility that you may just be blowing things out of proportion.

Your husband is your support system. Don't chase him away. He loves and married YOU, not the ex-girlfriend. He will love the baby, too, just as much as you will. He's not the bad guy. He's on your side and you need him now more than ever. Enjoy this time together..... loving each other.... growing together.... planning for the future.... sharing in the amazing miracle that is taking place right now. Enjoy..... and don't let anything take that away from you.

Congratulations.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Tiki,

The first year of marriage is always the hardest no matter how old you are. When you are young as the two of you are, you still still learning about who each of you are as an individual as well as a couple. Having an unexpected pregnancy thrown into the mix just adds to the complications. You want to be happy because of the baby, but you know that the timing is different than you had wanted.

Life is about making choices. You each chose each other, for better or for worse. This is one of the 'worse' times, but that doesn't mean that they won't get better. They will. These are new experiences for both of you and both of you are feeling confused by what is happening. If you are feeling this uncertainty about your relationship, I bet your husband is as well. You love him and you don't want to end the marriage but you are thinking he might because something unplanned has happened. No matter how well we plan, something unplanned will always come along, and it is by how we cope with the unplanned that we learn and grow as human beings.

You have friends here on this 'sounding board' where you can confide your worries and your fears. You are far from the home where you grew up in so it is good that you are able to come here and find support. Your husband has his friends as well. I am one of those people who firmly believe we can have friends of the opposite sex without there being any type of relationship concerns going on. Your husband's ex-girlfriend is his ex. He married you, not her. Your feeling insecure becaue everything is new and everything is changing still. Your uncertainty about your own situation is causing you to feel threatened by your husband's ex and that is natural, but it will also make you unhappier than you need to be. What appears to be happening is your husband is using his ex-girlfriend as a counsellor - talking to her and trying to understand the confusion in his life right now. She is acting as his sounding board as we are acting as yours. What I suggest the two of you might want to do is to go and see an actual counsellor together. The two of you are in this together and you need to find some way to work it out together.

As I said before, the first year of marriage is often the most difficult. A relationship counsellor will help the two of you learn how to turn to each other for support, to listen to each other, to accept all of the positive and the negatives of each other, and to find the compromises that the both of you make so that the marriage continues to grow and flourish. While I don't think your husband and his ex-girlfriend are doing anything to cause you concern, I do think you would be better off seeking counselling together, rather than each of you getting a caring shoulder from separate people.

I hope this helps. Congratulations on the pregnancy and know that you are not alone. Good luck to the two of you as you weather this storm and remember that happier days are ahead when you are able to work out the problems together.

Edited June 7, 2007 by Kathryn41

[Sinergy 3]

Neither of my kids were planned. I was on birth control and my daughters dad used a condom when she was concieved. I know one thing tho, my life is so much better NOW then it was before i had kids.

Edited June 7, 2007 by Ionescu

[doodlebug 3]

I take all the precautions I can not to get pregnant, but if I did, I would not bring an unwanted child into the world when there is no need.

But is killing the unwanted child better? There are soooo soooo many people who are on HUGE waiting lists to adopt a child. Why kill it when you can enhance both the child's life and the adoptive parent's life?

[Alex+R 0]

I take all the precautions I can not to get pregnant, but if I did, I would not bring an unwanted child into the world when there is no need.

But is killing the unwanted child better? There are soooo soooo many people who are on HUGE waiting lists to adopt a child. Why kill it when you can enhance both the child's life and the adoptive parent's life?

Because I don't see it as killing (this is not a point worth arguing about, let me just say now), I definitely can't do my master's program pregnant and so I'd have to sacrifice that, because it's my body and I don't want it hijacked by a fetus, and because I am a very maternal person (look at me and my pets for chrissakes) and there's no way I could look at a baby I had and give it up for adoption. I know that about myself, so I'm not about to put myself in that position. Each element of a decision like that is very personal.

[mawilson 2,133]

Having an ex as a *best friend* should never be allowed.

Why is that?

[Alex+R 0]

Having an ex as a *best friend* should never be allowed.

Why is that?

It should only not be allowed if your spouse is the jealous type. I just spent an hour catching up with my ex on the phone. At this point I don't think of him as an ex though, but more as a friend who used to be an ex who used to be a boyfriend, who was a friend before that.

But in the case of the OP's husband, if the relationship just ended, and it's so raw that he can't talk about his wife with her, then maybe he should be backing off for awhile.

[~Jess~ 0]

it is murder, especially when the person, or couple getting pregnant had sex WILLINGLY and ended up pregnant.........its NOT the unborn childs fault that its parents decided to go ahead and screw around but didnt want to live with the outcome! its bullshet and it makes me sick that there are people in the world like you!

[Reynaldo 0]

its bullshet and it makes me sick that there are people in the world like you!

That is interesting... I feel the same way about people like you...

C'mon, it's her body and her choice...

[Alex+R 0]

it is murder, especially when the person, or couple getting pregnant had sex WILLINGLY and ended up pregnant.........its NOT the unborn childs fault that its parents decided to go ahead and screw around but didnt want to live with the outcome! its bullshet and it makes me sick that there are people in the world like you!

Wow, ok, calm down. Personally, I find this subject really boring. I was asked to explain my reasons, and I did that. I know you think about fetuses one way, and I think about them another. I'm sure we've all had this conversation before, but I'm already bored just typing these words. So chill out.

[ya falaha! 0]

This is rich coming from you.

it is murder, especially when the person, or couple getting pregnant had sex WILLINGLY and ended up pregnant.........its NOT the unborn childs fault that its parents decided to go ahead and screw around but didnt want to live with the outcome! its bullshet and it makes me sick that there are people in the world like you!

[~Jess~ 0]

yep your right it is your body. but openly admitting that you will screw around and then murder the outcome is sick.

i have my opinion, you have yours. i will respect that even if i dont agree. the end.

[doodlebug 3]

it is murder, especially when the person, or couple getting pregnant had sex WILLINGLY and ended up pregnant.........its NOT the unborn childs fault that its parents decided to go ahead and screw around but didnt want to live with the outcome! its bullshet and it makes me sick that there are people in the world like you!

Well that is a bit harsh. She obviously doesn't believe it is murder for whatever reason and maybe someday she'll change her mind if she has kids but she is young so I wouldn't say she makes me sick. I think i probably thought the same way when I was that young. I may have my opinions about your abilities as a mother but I wouldn't say you make me sick.