Everything is terrible and I am desperate for help

[Lemonslice 4,838]

Consular services at your closest consulate or embassy are exactly for situations like yours. They can assist you getting a travel letter to allow you to go back home. Best of luck.

[dwheels76 5,468]

14 hours ago, Lotts said:

I cannot stop thinking about the freedom. And this is why I'm here. To see what help is out there, what my options are, and how to get rid of the shambles that is/was our marriage.

 

I cannot thank you enough for the links and advice so far. I've set an alarm to call the embassy once he has gone to work.

Let me tell you a story. I was stuck back in 2011 with an expired Passport in Nigeria. They wouldn't let me board the plane home and when I tried to change my ticket my account was hacked as I'm on phone and all my money drained. So I was in Nigeria no passport or money to get home. So I went to the US Embassy in Lagos and they gave me the money to get a ticket home and a temp passport. Of course I had to pay it back in due time when I got home, but point is UK is like US and will not leave their citizens countryless (don't know if that's a word but you get). Call your embassy tomorrow.
Just saying the words "UK citizen in distress will help you greatly".

Edited October 14, 2019 by dwheels76

[R&OC 371]

Please take my comment with a grain of salt. Your safety comes first.

 

From the outside, without going through any of the pain myself and I can only imagine how bad it is for you, I would try to go to a women's shelter and file for VAWA adjustment of status (not sure of that's the right way of saying it) PLUS file for divorce AND spousal support.

 

Once you file for adjustment of status you are no longer an illegal immigrant as far as I know. I would also take care of the financial side of things and have him at least pay for your ticket back home and preferably a monthly support so that you can actually start over fresh.

 

However, if you have already made up your mind that you would like to return for sure then please ignore.

 

 

[issea 43]

Why not call 911 and report domestic violence and confinement? This is the quickest way to get the rapid response from the law enforcement and remove you from the dangerous and enslaved situation. And the documented evidence could be later on the material for VAWA if applicable. If your first concern is return home country, inform them about your out of status and the ICE could be involved and you then would be deported. 

[JFH 12,190]

30 minutes ago, issea said:

Why not call 911 and report domestic violence and confinement? This is the quickest way to get the rapid response from the law enforcement and remove you from the dangerous and enslaved situation. And the documented evidence could be later on the material for VAWA if applicable. If your first concern is return home country, inform them about your out of status and the ICE could be involved and you then would be deported. 

Getting ICE involved is not appropriate or necessary. She wants to leave voluntarily. Despite what people may think, ICE doesn’t pick you up on a Monday and put you on a plane on Tuesday. First an immigration judge has to order your removal. You then spend a considerable time in custody before that. She is not trying to stay and doesn’t need to be forcibly removed. No need to waste taxpayers money on completely unnecessary action. Once she has a valid passport and a plane ticket she will be in an Uber to the airport. 

[Lotts 1,433]

31 minutes ago, JFH said:

Getting ICE involved is not appropriate or necessary. She wants to leave voluntarily. Despite what people may think, ICE doesn’t pick you up on a Monday and put you on a plane on Tuesday. First an immigration judge has to order your removal. You then spend a considerable time in custody before that. She is not trying to stay and doesn’t need to be forcibly removed. No need to waste taxpayers money on completely unnecessary action. Once she has a valid passport and a plane ticket she will be in an Uber to the airport. 

I'm so glad someone read this correctly.

Thank you.

[carmel34 3,626]

So sorry you are going through this.  Hopefully you can find the help you need by contacting the UK consulate or embassy nearest to you.  Tell them your story and that you want to leave for the UK immediately to get away from this terrible situation if you want to go back now.  If you're not too far from Washington DC maybe just leave now and go to the UK embassy.  VJ is an amazing, supportive community, so please rely on us.  There may even be members nearby who will be willing to help you with more than words of advice or encouragement.  No one deserves to go through what you are experiencing, your husband's behavior is criminal and should be reported to the police.  If I were in your situation, I would pack up my most treasured possessions and go to the nearest women's shelter while waiting for the UK embassy to help with a temporary passport or travel document and a ticket home.  Or as I said, figure out a way to get to the UK embassy the first day they are open (they may be closed today for Columbus Day).  Then go back to the UK and file for divorce from there.  Start your life over without this abusive person, get your freedom back, and put it all behind you and move on in a positive way.  Good luck to you, I hope you can be happy again soon.

[Villanelle 4,122]

You just need to take a few deep breaths and maybe get a notepad to help sort out all the info. You have choices. You have to just look at them all and decide whats best for you. 

 

It is not surprising that the local shelters can not take you in. Many people just assume if you are being abused you can easily just leave and a shelter will take you. The reality is shelters are underfunded and it can be very difficult to get in... 

 

Personally I do not think its wise to intentionally remain in the US with no status for the sole reason of pursuing a divorce. You would be at risk for deportation. Also you need a SAFE place to live while the proceedings are going on - so its probably not going to be a good idea to remain in the joint home while the proceedings are going on... Now a court can order him to leave the residence and allow you to stay there during the proceedings and perhaps even order temp support- but there is no guarantee they will. Because a divorce can be done anywhere in the world (once you re-establish residency) IMO it makes more sense to leave and complete the divorce from overseas. If he files divorce in the US before you are able to overseas- you can still respond to it from overseas the same way you would if you were here. 

 

You can also file for VAWA at any point (even if you leave the US you can file it from overseas if you left due to the abuse) but you must file with in 2 years of a divorce. It can be trickier to file VAWA from overseas though because you would need psych evaluation done and thats hard to get outside the US. Some other general info for you to consider- Because your spouse is a USC you would be able to file the 360/485/765/131 at the same time. You can ask for a fee waiver if you qualify which it seems you do as you are not working. Once you get the NOA for the 360 you are no longer considered to be 'with out status'. You are in a period of auth stay and do not have to worry about getting detained or deported...You also do not have to wait until you are divorced to file. Its just if a divorce occurs you must file with in 2 yrs of the divorce decree date. Any way after filing you would get a work permit in 3-6 months (you can try to expedite it to get it sooner)  You would also get a prima facie- which is basically a paper saying you filed for VAWA and meet the general criteria for approval. You can use the prima facie to get medical and in some places food assistance depending on where you live. You can also use it for FASFA for financial aid for school. You would get your travel AP after 3-6 months as well and can travel with that while your packet is pending. The whole VAWA process takes a lot of time. The 360 can take apx 12 months to process and then once approved your 485 is sent to the local office for an interview. There may be an additional 6-12 months wait for the local office to schedule your interview. Once approved you get an unconditional GC and can qualify for citizenship 3 years from the resident since date on your card. 

[mtempelaar 190]

My heart goes out to you.  I hope you can get the help you need to go back to your home, family and friends.  

 

Going to post a few links here that may help:

 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/expat-money/10820465/Down-and-out-abroad-There-are-places-to-turn.html

 

Quote

 

Generally, in determining the level of assistance they will provide, governments emphasise personal responsibility first and foremost, since international travel is viewed as a luxury. But bad things do happen, and the more blameless and desperate your case, the more likely that limited financial assistance will be provided. Case studies revealed through Freedom of Information requests detailed that the UK government provided a loan for an emergency travel document and a return flight to the UK when a man lost all his money, was facing overstaying his visa and his family was unable to be of financial assistance.

In another case, when a man with health issues missed his return flight and ended up sleeping rough, a UK government loan covered his emergency travel document and trip home. Public money is made available only after rigorous inquiries to determine that there is no alternative. In Thailand during 2013, the UK posts issued 28 loans for which British nationals had to sign an "undertaking to repay" and relinquish their passports – not to be reissued until the loan was satisfied

 

 

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/822887/Support_for_British_Nationals_Abroad_Main_Guide.pdf

 

🧡

[Sandra G. 5,047]

21 hours ago, Lotts said:

Hi folks.

 

I'm really sad and depressed. I need help.

Here's my story.

 

It's been really tough and (removed) for me, if I'm honest. I had a great couple of months and then he's turned into some kind of control freak who is hell bent on blaming everything on me. I live with him in a basement in his aunt and uncle's house (I was sick for almost 2 months because of the conditions, poor food quality,) he hasn't and will not file for the AOS because he didn't do his taxes and other reasons he won't say. There's also the fact that he spent all the money his mother gave us in July last year to file for the AOS and a second lump he got from some tax returns he waited for me to get here so I would get him more returned!

He keeps telling me that he spent it on me but none of it adds up. 😞 

He's tried setting me up for under the table jobs he knows I can't do and then I'm labelled a bad person for not taking them.
Every day is a walk on eggshells. I'm pretty sure he is a sociopath so my emotions mean nothing nor recognised. I'm just called a bunch of names and so on. Everything is my fault.

 

I'm an emotional punchbag and get grief for not being happy or "loving" towards him. My life is "pointless and meaningless". 🙄 I feel empty and like I have nothing now. Not sure why I'd give him all the good stuff when I'm treated like dirt. But, hey ho.

 

I'm a mess. I really didn't expect any of this and I'm really scared about what to do or what I can do. I sure as hell can't afford to eat, let alone pack all my stuff and my cat to go back. I gave up everything for him. Home, job, family, friends...

 

I'm really scared. I cry every day because I don't know what to do. 😭

I'm pretty sure I'm illegal and I'm really nervous about it. I'm also not sure what to do and if this is even the right place for this. 

 

So, I'm looking to go back. I want to go back. I do not want to be trapped, illegal, and have no independence what so ever. I have no reason to stay here anymore. It's terrible really. His family even sat down with me and have noticed how cr@ppy things have been with his behaviour towards me and everyone. Nothing has changed since the talk.

 

This has been a huge waste of time and money for me. My passport ran out, AOS was not submitted, I have not got a penny to my name nor any help available to me. I paid for everything to be here. He did nothing.

 

I should have read the signs and listened to people from day 1.

 

Sorry for the rant. I have no one to talk to. I have this secretly tucked away so he doesn't see. 😞

 

My questions are;
What can I do with regards to divorce? What is the process?

I just want it over and done with so I have no ties to this awful life anymore. We have no joint accounts, nothing that "we" have. All his stuff and my stuff. No kids. Nothing is shared.

 

Does anyone know someone I can talk to? Preferably free. I need help. I need to get home.

 

Would I be able to return to the USA for vacations later on?

 

Is there a duration of time before I renter the US as a tourist?

You are being abused,you still can file VAWA from abroad. If you need more information joint the VAWA thread part 16. VAWA petitioners don't accrue unlawful presence, in case of VAWA approval.

[bakphx1 789]

You’ve been psychologically conditioned to think you must rely on him.  First off that’s not true.  I would go to the police and/Embassy today or tomorrow.  He’s got you believing no one will help you, which is not true.  You should also reach out to your UK friends and family and tell them you are going back and need every bit of help you can get.  
 

I would also file criminal charges.

[Teemo 252]

On 10/13/2019 at 4:27 PM, Lotts said:

I should have read the signs and listened to people from day 1.

What were the signs? What were other people telling you from day 1? Maybe other people could learn from this. Tbh I see a lot of red flags on this forum, usually accompanied by "But I love him and just HAVE to be with him!"  Maybe this will help show people that love doesn't always win and to have your wits about you.

Edited October 15, 2019 by Teemo

[Lotts 1,433]

14 minutes ago, Teemo said:

What were the signs? What were other people telling you from day 1? Maybe other people could learn from this. Tbh I see a lot of red flags on this forum, usually accompanied by "But I love him and just HAVE to be with him!"  Maybe this will help show people that love doesn't always win and to have your wits about you.

This is a very good question.

Okay, so, from day one, everyone I spoke to (his friends, some of his family, I would get messages from his ex's on social media) said I need to "watch him". Some called him a liar, abusive, some said "a thief", a cheater, and a drug addict. I heard multiple other stories. When I asked him, he would tell me that this was all untrue, crazy ex's, "people just jealous of [him] I am and want to tarnish [him]". He would have other "friends" to back up claims and his stories. Since being here, I find out the "friends" are no longer friends and they told me that they made things up so he could do what he was doing. I've been cheated on SO many times! And I was brainwashed by the pretty, 'love' filled messages from him and other people so I backed him up to others who were sending me warnings of his behaviour.

 

He would tell people here that I was 'hard work', 'maniplulative', 'high-maintenance'... They would always act really surprised when they met me and would say, "you're actually really lovely!" Not say why until the friendships broke down and they told me everything.

 

I would take him gifts. Well thought out, things of his interests, not exactly cheap things. 

"Oh. Thanks." in the dullest tone you've ever heard. But that's because he has trouble expressing and channelling emotions, apparently. Says he has some kind of autism.

(He doesn't. Confirmed by parents later down the line.)

 

I came to visit once. I asked to go explore. See DC and/or Baltimore. He refused. Didn't want to take me out. Wanted me all to himself. When we did go out, I paid for most things. Mainly dinners and entry fees to places. He would just buy snacks. 

 

I paid for everything to be here in the USA. Absolutely everything. I would be up from 530am and not get home from work until 1045pm to earn £ to put away. I asked for him to help. He would outright refuse and give me a tonne of excuses. One being, "I'm saving for a home when you get here." and all the sweetness of how our home would be.

There were no savings. Nothing.

He had no job and refused to get one as "unemployment gave more money". He only got a job because I found one for him and everyone he asked to be my sponsor refused.

 

He's lived in a basement since 2015. No efforts to get out of it and get his life straight.

I'm in his aunt's basement. I left my house, a management job of nearly 6 years... I'm thinking he has a home lined up with all the savings. Nope. Basement.

 

He's also never had a job for longer than 2 years. A lot he was "let go" for. Won't give me a straight answer for. Apparently, Maryland law allows an employer to fire staff for no real reason. I've never really looked into that. 🤔

 

Whilst being in a long distance relationship, I would often send him money. Lots of stories about how he wasn't making the hours at work and couldn't afford insulin, food etc.. I would send money because I love this man. Diabetes is a serious illness and I know it gets him bad. That money was spent on flying another girl to him from another state. Or it would go on drink, molly etc.. (the ex friends verified this)

I ask for help, I never got it. He sent me £10 once so I could eat and made a huge deal about getting it back. That's his cling on when ever the help argument comes up.

 

He came to visit me twice. Our 4 year, long distance relationship, he only came to me twice within the first year and a half. There was always an excuse after that. I would visit him twice a year! I paid for it all.i had no help getting tickets to see him. He bought new cars etc instead. 

 

If I confronted him about his behaviour, how he addressed me or treated me, he would just terminate the relationship. Knowing how emotionally invested I was into the relative, he knew he had control over me and that I would do anything to keep it going. "If you don't do this, I am going to..." Lots of putting me down so he could have his own way. I was always in the wrong. He would argue black is blue and I would doubt myself and just do anything to keep the relationship going. "If you do this, I'll consider getting back with you..." Kind of stuff.

I find out that he was sleeping with others when he would have arguments with me/break up etc.. Has his friends as an alibi to say he was with them etc.. would "start from scratch" when he wanted.

He got very desperate and would go through my friends when I said no to getting back together. He wormed his way back into my head through my friends. My friends have no time for him and don't want to know about him as they saw everything that was going on, saw my heart break so many times, and just gave up. I don't talk to them about him. It just makes everything easier.

 

He would (and still is) always on his phone. Very quick to change screens, didn't have notifications pop up so anyone could see he got a text or anything. That phone is glued to his hand. "I'm buying you a present" or excuses like that. Would quickly close screens if I was in eye shot etc..  I recently find out he's got tonnes of nudes from ex's and younger girls on Facebook, some disturbing cartoons, messages from other girls trying to hook up days within me landing with my K1, texts to try and purchase drugs. I've seen everything. He denies it and tells me I'm in the wrong for "not letting the past be the past".

 

I was in the wrong for a lot of things. I was blamed for a lot of things. I still am. Gets very angry when I stick up for myself. Because he cannot hide behind a screen anymore, the insults start, or the dangerous driving if we're in the car, he will deny me food and etc..

 

No one ever really jumps up to help him. "Oh, they all have stuff going on"... Okay, but family also. No one ever calls him up to go out...

This bloke has zero friends. Just some that call him up when they need their cars fixed.

 

Stories never added up. If he was blaming me for something he could and still cannot give me examples of what I've done wrong or things that are supposed to have happened. 

"You know my memory is terrible. Stop using it against me!" "You're gaslighting me" etc..

 

Everything he's ever done, I've not once heard a sorry. Like, ever.

 

I'm reading this. I'm crying and I'm SO angry at myself for getting myself into this situation. There was SO much there to warn me off.

Cheating on me within 2 weeks of seeing him for the first time (I didn't know this at the time) then he comes to see me 3 months after. 

I had messages from these girls (and they are practically girls!) telling me what happened.

He told me that they were just crazies linked to his ex.

 

I'm so mad at myself for being manipulated, believing the lies, coming all this way to be spoken to and treated the way I am. The year before I came here, things seemed to be okay. Well, from what I read on a screen. What was actually happening, I didn't really know about.

 

I don't want to file for WAVA or what ever it is. I want to go home. I want to be with my friends and loved ones. I don't want to be here on my own where he can mess me up some more somehow. I don't want to be illegal here or a burden to the system. I want to be in my home country, have access to healthcare again, see my friends when I want to, be able to work, have my own home again. Get my life back.

I came here for him. I entered this marriage in good faith. I don't need to be here permanently.

 

I need that memory eraser from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I need a time machine to tell me to make a cake or do something else that isn't sit on a laptop at that particular moment so I could avoid all this.

 

I'm so sad. I just want to go home and hug my friends, my nephews, my sister... Just pull myself back together again.

[TBoneTX 45,284]

3 hours ago, Lotts said:

I'm so mad at myself for being manipulated, believing the lies

Kick yourself honestly and deservedly a few times, then look ahead.

The great news is that you'll never repeat these mistakes!

You've already resolved to get your life back, which is an excellent indication that you will.

This suggests strength, rather than helplessness.

 

In the meantime, look at yourself in the mirror, and repeat, aloud:

"Everything will be just fine.  Everything will be just fine."

Repeat it (aloud) with more conviction each time.

Then get it going as a loop within your head, and see how much better you feel.

[Kate&Jason 24]

Hello, I just read what's going on for you. That's really upsetting and I'm really sorry! Love can be blinding sometimes, you saw the good in him and there's nothing wrong with that! You only did what the rest of us have done, trust and love, and he unfortunately abused that, but you will survive this. The UK embassy will help you! They give you a temporary passport within four hours. Book the flight that night and get out!! I don't think it's too much extra to add the cat on? (I assume you have his rabies vaccination records and such? I also assume you were hoping to take him, I may have read that wrong) If it's not feasible do you have a friend who could look after the cat until you get a job and can pay their flight over to bring the cat? (And they get a free holiday as a thank you too!) Just brain storming for you! Best of luck and let us know how your phone call goes on with the embassy today. Also, 100% look into the violence act, you should have got a booklet with K-1 interview explaining your rights in an abusive situation. They never sent me my packet with one in otherwise I would scan it in, but maybe someone else has theirs? Either way lots of links to info that people have posted which I bet are more detailed. Thinking of you!