Communication Issues

[Jenny17655 284]

7 minutes ago, Sea Leslie said:

WOW! I have not even thought about the adjustment time when he gets here. I have a lot to learn. This is my first time doing this, and I cannot imagine what it would feel like living in an unknown country will little to no support except from a spouse. His entire family is in JA and so is mine but I have adjusted to that over the years. 

Yes and you know Jamaican men are strong providers. It is difficult for them to rely completely on their woman for financial support.  It is a huge adjustment for them.  Money, food, weather (depending on US location), family and friends, bathroom time/ personal space lol these are all things that will come up.  

[Sea Leslie 430]

3 minutes ago, Jenny17655 said:

Yes and you know Jamaican men are strong providers. It is difficult for them to rely completely on their woman for financial support.  It is a huge adjustment for them.  Money, food, weather (depending on US location), family and friends, bathroom time/ personal space lol these are all things that will come up.  

Thanks for letting me know, we will be living a small town and he will have plenty of space around the house. I am concerned that he is more active and things will be slow when he first gets here. 

[Jenny17655 284]

1 minute ago, Sea Leslie said:

Thanks for letting me know, we will be living a small town and he will have plenty of space around the house. I am concerned that he is more active and things will be slow when he first gets here. 

Two of the hardest things for my husband after leaving JA was the lack of community here.  And he needed to develop all new coping skills for stress management. He can't just go and breeze out and relax under a coconut tree when he is stressed if you know what I mean.  

[Mrs Ryan Carreras 247]

6 hours ago, portorusa said:

We talk about vacations in our “normal life”, places in Arizona and USA we gonna go and see, things we gonna do, etc. We are both happy after “doing dreams” like those together. For us it’s like making plans. Maybe talks like that will be therapeutical for you, too?

I agree with the OP and after 5 years being apart that it has caused some tension for sure. 
Our interview is Friday and I am so ready to do this and finally be a family. Thanks for the post and your not alone @Sea Leslie. I adore Ryan with all my heart but the stress of this process does wear on the heart and soul. The back and fourth visits have just become harder and harder to see him go. 
It’s great to have a community that can share what their ideas and to have others that understand what we go through. 
I don’t know that anyone can quite grasp how difficult the process can be unless one goes through this roller coaster. 
In the end, I believe that love will conquer all in a sea of paperwork 😊. 
But then again, I am just a hopeless romantic. Thanks for the post and share. ❤️
I wish you all the best. 
-Sarah n Ryan 

[Sea Leslie 430]

4 hours ago, Jenny17655 said:

Two of the hardest things for my husband after leaving JA was the lack of community here.  And he needed to develop all new coping skills for stress management. He can't just go and breeze out and relax under a coconut tree when he is stressed if you know what I mean.  

Totally understand, and I know that he will miss his friends and family

[Sea Leslie 430]

2 hours ago, Sarah n Ryan said:

I agree with the OP and after 5 years being apart that it has caused some tension for sure. 
Our interview is Friday and I am so ready to do this and finally be a family. Thanks for the post and your not alone @Sea Leslie. I adore Ryan with all my heart but the stress of this process does wear on the heart and soul. The back and fourth visits have just become harder and harder to see him go. 
It’s great to have a community that can share what their ideas and to have others that understand what we go through. 
I don’t know that anyone can quite grasp how difficult the process can be unless one goes through this roller coaster. 
In the end, I believe that love will conquer all in a sea of paperwork 😊. 
But then again, I am just a hopeless romantic. Thanks for the post and share. ❤️
I wish you all the best. 
-Sarah n Ryan 

At first, I thought it was just me... Seriously thought I was going crazy that we could have meaningless disagreements as the time get closer for us to be together. It helps to know I am not alone, and I love all of the suggestions from the community. I did have a conversation with him about my fears, and his thoughts about why we happen to have so many disagreements. It has gotten better

[TBoneTX 45,305]

Find ways to keep him laughing.

For example, AFV ("America's Funniest Videos") is broadcast on ABC on Sunday nights.

Stuff like this is good to look forward to.

[The_Empyrean 733]

Hey!

It does affect everyone in the processes, some are naturally resistant to big changes and not overthink. Some are the opposite; hard to deal with big changes, attachments and moving away from comfort zone.
My wife and I still do have arguments, and we live together already. It's hard obviously for both sides. I feel the pressure of "taking her away from family and friends" even though it's not intentional from their side. She feels insecure about the future, what's gonna happen etc. My friend the other day said "big things take time". All i can advise is keep yourselves busy. Physical activities are the best in this case, as it releases endorphins (happiness hormones), and you get physically tired, so at night you won't be laying in the dark thinking every single detail.

Another thing, is to be completely honest with each other, and supportive. This goes both ways too. It's not like he's the only one putting in effort into this, it's sad that this is usually forgotten and perceived as difficult time only for the beneficiary. So you gotta stay strong. You seem like you are, so be there for him. I know its draining, exhausting and you wanna just get it over with, but one of you gotta let go of your own ego, sacrifice it in order to get through this.

Additionally, this is perfect time for both of you to find new things, hobbies. Music, playing, dancing, painting, potting, gardening, driving, video games, sports, anything that interests you and shuts your mind off. 

As for the visa, it'll come. Don't check statuses unless you know you have to submit something. Don't linger on NVC/USCIS websites too much, and try to forget about the visa. 

You both need to have positive outlook for the visa. Lost his job? Okay, will be one less thing to worry about when moving. Start planning something ahead, your next steps when he's here. What you gonna visit i.e. Also, you both can start working on his CV, Resume so when he moves here, you gonna have it ready from get go, and can start applying to jobs.

The hardest part on yourself will be when he's here. Do NOT forget that he hasn't got anyone besides you. You gonna have to give up some of "me" time. There will be times where you'll want some time alone, but that will be the last thing he'll want to be, alone. Try to introduce him to your circle of friends ASAP. My wife is constantly hanging out with my friend's S/O's, that way she feels a bit more at home. 

Further i'd add that don't get everything done for him when he's here. Don't baby him. (You'll have to atleast at the beginning, that's okay). Help him with things here and there, but he has to learn "american" ways himself. You can direct him, but don't do it for him, otherwise he'll give up the adjustment and rely solely on you figuring everything out.

 

Disclaimer, those are just some of the things that helped me to cope with this process, and what i have notice along the way. Some might not apply to you specifically as thinking, cultures are different, so take this as my personal experience.

It'll be alright, hard times pass.
 

[Sea Leslie 430]

5 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Find ways to keep him laughing.

For example, AFV ("America's Funniest Videos") is broadcast on ABC on Sunday nights.

Stuff like this is good to look forward to.

That sounds great too

[Sea Leslie 430]

1 hour ago, The_Empyrean said:

Hey!

It does affect everyone in the processes, some are naturally resistant to big changes and not overthink. Some are the opposite; hard to deal with big changes, attachments and moving away from comfort zone.
My wife and I still do have arguments, and we live together already. It's hard obviously for both sides. I feel the pressure of "taking her away from family and friends" even though it's not intentional from their side. She feels insecure about the future, what's gonna happen etc. My friend the other day said "big things take time". All i can advise is keep yourselves busy. Physical activities are the best in this case, as it releases endorphins (happiness hormones), and you get physically tired, so at night you won't be laying in the dark thinking every single detail.

Another thing, is to be completely honest with each other, and supportive. This goes both ways too. It's not like he's the only one putting in effort into this, it's sad that this is usually forgotten and perceived as difficult time only for the beneficiary. So you gotta stay strong. You seem like you are, so be there for him. I know its draining, exhausting and you wanna just get it over with, but one of you gotta let go of your own ego, sacrifice it in order to get through this.

Additionally, this is perfect time for both of you to find new things, hobbies. Music, playing, dancing, painting, potting, gardening, driving, video games, sports, anything that interests you and shuts your mind off. 

As for the visa, it'll come. Don't check statuses unless you know you have to submit something. Don't linger on NVC/USCIS websites too much, and try to forget about the visa. 

You both need to have positive outlook for the visa. Lost his job? Okay, will be one less thing to worry about when moving. Start planning something ahead, your next steps when he's here. What you gonna visit i.e. Also, you both can start working on his CV, Resume so when he moves here, you gonna have it ready from get go, and can start applying to jobs.

The hardest part on yourself will be when he's here. Do NOT forget that he hasn't got anyone besides you. You gonna have to give up some of "me" time. There will be times where you'll want some time alone, but that will be the last thing he'll want to be, alone. Try to introduce him to your circle of friends ASAP. My wife is constantly hanging out with my friend's S/O's, that way she feels a bit more at home. 

Further i'd add that don't get everything done for him when he's here. Don't baby him. (You'll have to atleast at the beginning, that's okay). Help him with things here and there, but he has to learn "american" ways himself. You can direct him, but don't do it for him, otherwise he'll give up the adjustment and rely solely on you figuring everything out.

 

Disclaimer, those are just some of the things that helped me to cope with this process, and what i have notice along the way. Some might not apply to you specifically as thinking, cultures are different, so take this as my personal experience.

It'll be alright, hard times pass.
 

Thanks so much, all of this is so helpful. I did not think of a lot of these things looks like I still have a lot to learn. But it is totally worth it. Thanks again.

[Sea Leslie 430]

Update...

 

We had a long conversation and we are back on the right track. I have also decided to make sure I keep myself occupied in other ways, like you guys suggested. Looking up trips definitely because he is not a homebody and he is an extrovert. You guys were really helpful, thanks again. 

[TBoneTX 45,305]

How wonderful to hear.  Was really hoping for such a nice outcome.

 

If you wish for this thread to be closed (not required, and 100% up to you), just hit the "report post" button and so request.

[The_Empyrean 733]

On 10/2/2019 at 9:06 AM, Sea Leslie said:

Update...

 

We had a long conversation and we are back on the right track. I have also decided to make sure I keep myself occupied in other ways, like you guys suggested. Looking up trips definitely because he is not a homebody and he is an extrovert. You guys were really helpful, thanks again. 

Very glad to hear that!

Immigration is a hard work. Most imagine moving to US as a silver platter, move, get job, house, education, kids, go out all the time, traveling. And when they move, they notice how much effort they have to put in, it doesnt meet their expectations. 

Arguments will come, in different scenarios and intensities. You both gotta learn to deal with each other during arguments, meaning containing yourself, learning when to give up on the argument, and when to face it.

All that will come, just need to understand and read each other well enough to not let disagreements get in your relationship's way.

[Sea Leslie 430]

52 minutes ago, The_Empyrean said:

Very glad to hear that!

Immigration is a hard work. Most imagine moving to US as a silver platter, move, get job, house, education, kids, go out all the time, traveling. And when they move, they notice how much effort they have to put in, it doesnt meet their expectations. 

Arguments will come, in different scenarios and intensities. You both gotta learn to deal with each other during arguments, meaning containing yourself, learning when to give up on the argument, and when to face it.

All that will come, just need to understand and read each other well enough to not let disagreements get in your relationship's way.

Yes, everyone here has enlightened me. I did not think about the impact on both sides. Patience and empathy will definitely be the key