Feeling like giving up. *rant*

[PupperPup 36]

Sorry if posts like these aren't  generally allowed...but i really don't know any other community online that can relate.

 

Hey guys, so a few days ago I asked y'all what to do if last year's  income tax doesn't  meet the 125% guidelines. Some of you said it's the current one thats important. Well, apparently my practitioner's current income is beyond that (which is good). We just need an employment letter or whatever. (We also asked his dad as a co sponsor just in case).

 

Anyway..... so I've been telling my petitioner to work on his employment "things" since a few months ago. His mother even provided me his 1040 for last year's  because he didn't.  The other day, his dad already gave the affidavit of support and other financial docs needed for co sponsorship. But my petitioner still hasn't. 

He only asked his boss just a few days ago and his boss is assigned in a different city (4-5 hours drive) so he doesn't see her every day. I asked him today if he's got the employment letter but he still blames his boss for not finishing it.

I remember telling him to just make the letter  himself and have someone from HR or his boss sign it like weeks ago. He still hasn't done it.

 

it's friday and my interview is next week i gotta fly to manila in like 3 days. I have been so stressed and I feel like he hasn't  been helping me with all this sh**. 

 

I feel like I'm the who really badly wants to go to the USA but it was him telling me to live with him when he proposed because he couldn't  do long distance anymore.

 

But now i feel like I'm the one who's  super obsessed with going to america because I'm the on who's  working so hard on this process while he just be passive all throughout. Even when he passed the i-129f, i had to push him to do it because if not, id be working on my career and school (i was med school bound) because I'm not getting any younger im in my mid 20s! 

It's  not like i gave him an ultimatum, i just asked him if he'd  rather get married and live  here with me for a while, wait 5 years or get married asap and file the fiance visa so i can start my career once again while  it's  still not too late. He really wanted to bring me to the US but i feel like my a** is the only one working so hard to get what we "both" want.

 

he told me it's  because I'm too "smart" and smarter than him so I'd  figure it out anyway

 

I've seen and read petitioners' stories about their beneficiary being too oblivious and even failing the interview exam because they forgot some info and I'm  actually quite envious. I wish my petitioner was a little active with the process tbh instead of dumping all the work to me and not even helping me out unless i actually push him to.

 

i feel like giving up now. But I've wasted  a year already and even endured working at a corporate job for a few months  when all i wanted to do was go to med school and finish beforen I'm 30

 

Im always worrying about this, even in my dreams it doesn't  stop. ive developed mild panic attacks that i cant even ride elevators alone.. even flying. It developed a few months ago since worrying about my medical exam and now it's  gotten so much worse  that my family is concerned and told me i should just stop because it's very unhealthy for me. It doesn't  help that my petitioner is not even trying hard.

 

And yes, we've  talked about this and he told me he's going to do his best.(but still...)

now he is sick, It's Friday and there's nothing he can do about it until monday..but I'll be in manila then.

 

 

sorry for the long post.

any advice?

[HRQX 4,145]

21 minutes ago, PupperPup said:

any advice?

The I-134 isn't binding (except maybe just the 90 K-1 days). For your petitioner's I-134 use last year's tax info even if below the guidelines. You'll also submit his father's I-134 that is above the guidelines.

Edited September 7, 2019 by HRQX

[billding 59]

This (I-129F/K-1 to permanent residence/naturalization) is a lengthy process. I'm sure everyone has struggled with it. It's stressful as it is and then you have to juggle it with everything that's going on in your lives.

 

I mean no disrespect but having gone through something similar in a previous relationship it seems like there is an imbalance in your relationship. You're only at the beginning of this process, there's going to be more paperwork down the road. Think AOS/ROC... all those co-mingling (bank accounts, insurance, mortgage, etc.). Are you going to be okay doing all the work, if this continues to be the case?

 

More importantly, are you going to be happy if you feel like you're the one doing all the work, in this process or in your relationship? No offense but if he is this checked out this early in the relationship (before you're even married I mean) how is he going to be in the trying times of your lives?

 

I hope I'm wrong. I hope he just isn't a fan of paperwork and such, that he is and that he shows that he is dedicated to you and your relationship.

 

Good luck op!

[billding 59]

My bad. Are you asking for advice about the affidavit of support or your situation in general?

 

If the I-134 as long as you have the other docs (tax forms, pay stubs, etc.) I'm sure you'll be fine without the employment letter.

[Jmeleecur 347]

I can see your frustrations and I just want to say, things will all work out how they're supposed to, and everything will be okay, no matter how everything pans out.

 

Sounds like your 'petioner' is slacking, and that sucks. Does he understand the urgency of you needing these documents within the next few days, and what the consequences could possibly be if he doesn't provide them? He should be doing everything possible to get you what you need, it should be a team effort. This whole process is a team effort. I feel a certain type of way with how you referred to your fiance only as the 'petioner' throughout this whole post... This is your fiance were talking about, right?

 

Im sorry you feel as though you've wasted a whole year going through this whole visa process. We all have to make sacrifices for realationships, and everyone, here especially, can relate to the wait and patience it takes. 

 

In a way, I'm interpreting this as you being more concerned with coming to the US to complete your degree and start a career rather than to be with your fiance and begin your life together. That's just the feeling I got from reading this... I hope you both can get this sorted out and wish you the best of luck.

Edited September 7, 2019 by Jmeleecur

[Falcon Cara 378]

9 hours ago, PupperPup said:

Sorry if posts like these aren't  generally allowed...but i really don't know any other community online that can relate.

 

Hey guys, so a few days ago I asked y'all what to do if last year's  income tax doesn't  meet the 125% guidelines. Some of you said it's the current one thats important. Well, apparently my practitioner's current income is beyond that (which is good). We just need an employment letter or whatever. (We also asked his dad as a co sponsor just in case).

 

Anyway..... so I've been telling my petitioner to work on his employment "things" since a few months ago. His mother even provided me his 1040 for last year's  because he didn't.  The other day, his dad already gave the affidavit of support and other financial docs needed for co sponsorship. But my petitioner still hasn't. 

He only asked his boss just a few days ago and his boss is assigned in a different city (4-5 hours drive) so he doesn't see her every day. I asked him today if he's got the employment letter but he still blames his boss for not finishing it.

I remember telling him to just make the letter  himself and have someone from HR or his boss sign it like weeks ago. He still hasn't done it.

 

it's friday and my interview is next week i gotta fly to manila in like 3 days. I have been so stressed and I feel like he hasn't  been helping me with all this sh**. 

 

I feel like I'm the who really badly wants to go to the USA but it was him telling me to live with him when he proposed because he couldn't  do long distance anymore.

 

But now i feel like I'm the one who's  super obsessed with going to america because I'm the on who's  working so hard on this process while he just be passive all throughout. Even when he passed the i-129f, i had to push him to do it because if not, id be working on my career and school (i was med school bound) because I'm not getting any younger im in my mid 20s! 

It's  not like i gave him an ultimatum, i just asked him if he'd  rather get married and live  here with me for a while, wait 5 years or get married asap and file the fiance visa so i can start my career once again while  it's  still not too late. He really wanted to bring me to the US but i feel like my a** is the only one working so hard to get what we "both" want.

 

he told me it's  because I'm too "smart" and smarter than him so I'd  figure it out anyway

 

I've seen and read petitioners' stories about their beneficiary being too oblivious and even failing the interview exam because they forgot some info and I'm  actually quite envious. I wish my petitioner was a little active with the process tbh instead of dumping all the work to me and not even helping me out unless i actually push him to.

 

i feel like giving up now. But I've wasted  a year already and even endured working at a corporate job for a few months  when all i wanted to do was go to med school and finish beforen I'm 30

 

Im always worrying about this, even in my dreams it doesn't  stop. ive developed mild panic attacks that i cant even ride elevators alone.. even flying. It developed a few months ago since worrying about my medical exam and now it's  gotten so much worse  that my family is concerned and told me i should just stop because it's very unhealthy for me. It doesn't  help that my petitioner is not even trying hard.

 

And yes, we've  talked about this and he told me he's going to do his best.(but still...)

now he is sick, It's Friday and there's nothing he can do about it until monday..but I'll be in manila then.

 

 

sorry for the long post.

any advice?

Go to USA, don't get married the first 70 days and feel him out. 

 

If you can see long term then get married and stay, if not hop on plane back to PI.

 

This is the beauty of a K1 fiancé visa, it like a trail run in a way

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

" it like a trail run in a way"

 

It feels like that sometimes, too...)))   My wife has an acquaintance here that lives a couple of states away. Her husband is very unmotivated as well. Her English is not very good and she is trying to call USCIS and other agencies on her own. She calls my wife to ask me what to do. I always ask what is he doing))) I don't understand being in a marriage or relationship with someone from another country and not trying to help...Good Luck!

• I

[Hank_ 9,174]

12 minutes ago, boris64 said:

" it like a trail run in a way"

 

It feels like that sometimes, too...)))   My wife has an acquaintance here that lives a couple of states away. Her husband is very unmotivated as well. Her English is not very good and she is trying to call USCIS and other agencies on her own. She calls my wife to ask me what to do. I always ask what is he doing))) I don't understand being in a marriage or relationship with someone from another country and not trying to help...Good Luck!

• I

Exactly!

 

 

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

8 hours ago, boris64 said:

" it like a trail run in a way"

 

It feels like that sometimes, too...)))   My wife has an acquaintance here that lives a couple of states away. Her husband is very unmotivated as well. Her English is not very good and she is trying to call USCIS and other agencies on her own. She calls my wife to ask me what to do. I always ask what is he doing))) I don't understand being in a marriage or relationship with someone from another country and not trying to help...Good Luck!

• I

If at the beginning he is not behaving as expected I would not consider his future behavior to improve, it will probably regress. You gave up medical school for him? See if you can get your spot back until he grows up

[Talako 781]

I think you already know what is up, and you are looking for third party affirmation.

 

You know and we know that if he is not a enthusiastic and engaged supporter now, he won't be in the future.

[NikLR 13,227]

I'll be honest.  My husband slacked on some of these things.  Not down to the last minute but I had the AOS documents like a month after the rest of my things and after his job started it took him a month to file the i-130.  Our entire marriage has been like this where he is a last minute person.  He has been this way his whole life.  I am a planner and he is not.  I can either beat my head against a wall and wail against who he is, or accept him as he is (or not, but that doesn't change the fact he is who he is.)  You cannot control who and how he is, only yourself and your actions or rather reactions to him and his actions.  

Manila often doesn't even ask for the I-134 and they rarely accept a co-sponsor for the K1 when they do ask.  But if you feel he's not invested you have options and you are not stuck.  As others have said, you can move and decide if you really can live with who he is as a person, or not, understanding you cannot control this. Or you can not move and make that decision.  That choice is yours. 

 

In addition, when you try to control or change or help someone be different or better, even if this is something they say they want, inevitably it will cause you to obsess and consume you. Don't go down that road. Take people for what their actions show them to be. 

Edited September 7, 2019 by NikLR

[racg 2]

I remember my husband he hates paperworks too. He got arrested and he doesnt what to tell me the reason and tell me what happened so i was so worried that they might ask me about it.Thats my biggest fear,we always fight about it.Unfortunately the CO ask me about it. I said yes and ask me the reason im glad she didnt ask the year and what happened or else im dead!!

 

I think u have to be open to him about what u feel,ur fear,ur worries. Cry if u need to it helps u to feel better.Why did he said ur too smart?Did u say something to make him upset? Ask him if he still want to do it.Dont worry about interview its not that scary. And also pray for it. 

 

Moving in the United States is much harder than doin paperworks or any interview.

 

 

[SB5130 88]

6 hours ago, NikLR said:

I'll be honest.  My husband slacked on some of these things.  Not down to the last minute but I had the AOS documents like a month after the rest of my things and after his job started it took him a month to file the i-130.  Our entire marriage has been like this where he is a last minute person.  He has been this way his whole life.  I am a planner and he is not.  I can either beat my head against a wall and wail against who he is, or accept him as he is (or not, but that doesn't change the fact he is who he is.)  You cannot control who and how he is, only yourself and your actions or rather reactions to him and his actions.  

Manila often doesn't even ask for the I-134 and they rarely accept a co-sponsor for the K1 when they do ask.  But if you feel he's not invested you have options and you are not stuck.  As others have said, you can move and decide if you really can live with who he is as a person, or not, understanding you cannot control this. Or you can not move and make that decision.  That choice is yours. 

 

In addition, when you try to control or change or help someone be different or better, even if this is something they say they want, inevitably it will cause you to obsess and consume you. Don't go down that road. Take people for what their actions show them to be. 

Exactly. 

 

It's just the beginning of a long immigration journey, as well as, a journey to a life together. The choice is yours if you are willing to live that kind of life.

 

It's not easy to change somebody if they themselves doesn't see it as an issue. They can temporarily change for a bit to please you but if they didnt fully acknowledge that it's a problem, they will soon go back to their old ways. 

[PupperPup 36]

Hi guys! Thanks for all your input. You made excellent  points, tbh. Unfortunately,  I can't  reply to each and every single one of you because I'm  on my phone and away doing  a much needed R & R.

 

First, i just wanna point out that, yes, I use the terms, "petitioner  and beneficiary" instead of "fiance/fiancee" because I feel like that makes it clearer. But I see him as a fiance more than as my 'petitoner' as that's  what I refer  to him IRL.

 

secondly, I feel bad for making him seem worse than he is. He's  not. He helps with all he can but he and I aren't  just on the same pace. I'm  more of a, "I gotta do it while it's  early because I hate messing up" while he's  more of an 11th hour worker. If you get me. I have this thing where I dread making a mistake  and not being able to do something right when there's  a chance  to do it. If u noticed my earlier post about the income tax etc (which, btw, turns out his current gross is more than enough. But he just needed to give  me the documentation), I am quite the over thinker. It's  not that he's  slacking, but he's  not a big fan of paperwork like some of you pointed out. I just hate having to tell someone to do something when it's common sense that they should've  been doing it in the first place.

 

yes, we've  talked about it, like way early into the relationship. We're actually great in real life. The dynamic we have where im the one having to do paper work while he supports me actually works...in real life but not when you're in a long distance  relationship.  If I could go get all the docs myself, I would. Feels like  he relies on me too much with stuff like this because he knows I won't  eff it up easily. I do the "smart" things while he does the "labor", that's  what he always says.

 

thirdly, someone pointed it out that maybe im working on a visa for my "career" and not be together and I don't  blame them if they took it this way because of how i worded it. Again, i apologize, i was in on the verge of breaking down when i was making that post.

just to clear it up, I'm not. I'm  actually worried going to the US because the chances of me making it there is slim, and i dont have anything there career wise. My bachelor's  is useless. I havent even applied for a university. 

Before getting engaged, I actually applied to a bunch of universities  and blessed, I've  been accepted to a few in the PH, and abroad. I had a plan lined up.

Im career oriented more than family-oriented. My fiance knows that. He accepts  it. If im going to the US or anywhere or even staying in the Philippines,  i wanna make it, too, and not just rely on my husband in everything. 

edit: yes, i love my fiance. I'd  marry him any day. We have so much together and he's the yin to my yang. We're  opposites in some way but it works. This is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.

 

lastly, thanks for all the positive  thoughts and advice, and criticisms! Even those who messaged me privately! Appreciate all for taking your time just even reading my whiney, long-a$$ rant. It seems like I just had to deal with all the pent-up stress and pressure.

 

On a side note, my fiance sent me the docs needed and went his way to drive up to their main HQ.

 

 

thank u x

Edited September 8, 2019 by PupperPup
Additional info

[John & Rose 7,239]

On 9/6/2019 at 8:54 PM, HRQX said:

The I-134 isn't binding (except maybe just the 90 K-1 days). For your petitioner's I-134 use last year's tax info even if below the guidelines. You'll also submit his father's I-134 that is above the guidelines.

Actually, the I-134 is now legally binding.  Someone pointed out a change in the form and the USCIS website.  This is relatively new and does change things a little.