Issues about sending money to Philippines

[AndyCandy 6]

Hi everyone! I’ve been here in the US for almost 3 years now.. i’m married to an American who was previously divorced, with 3 kids from his previous marriage. I also have a son of my own from my previous partner from the Philippines who’s also here with me..I came here in America by K1 visa and is currently working here as a registered nurse.. We’ve been sending money ($175) to my mother in the Philippines every month ever since i got here, which covers the monthly mortgage for my house in the Philippines, the monthly bills (electric,water,internet), groceries and about $35-$40 extra for my mother to spend for herself. I know that my husband sent money there even though i wasn’t working for a year since we have to do all the process of getting the work permit plus i have to take the nclex exam too..the issue i have right now is, even though i’m already earning a lot of money here, my husband still keeps on questioning me if we really have to send my mother an extra $35-40 every month for her to spend for herself. I’m already working here, what more does he want me to do? We have a joint account so obviously my money is also his money and his money is also my money, but it just feels like i don’t have control over what i earned anymore. And for him to question me about that amount, it just makes me feel like, most of what i earned just goes towards the house that i am not even entitled for since i am not on the deed, towards the van that we bought, also helping him pay for what he has to pay his ex wife towards their kid’s expenses.. we don’t have a kid of our own yet.. it’s just sad to think that i can’t even give anything to my own mother even just a couple bucks every month..feels like walking on egg shells with him.

[USS_Voyager 1,972]

11 minutes ago, AndyCandy said:

I’m already working here, what more does he want me to do? We have a joint account so obviously my money is also his money and his money is also my money, but it just feels like i don’t have control over what i earned anymore. And for him to question me about that amount, it just makes me feel like, most of what i earned just goes towards the house that i am not even entitled for since i am not on the deed, towards the van that we bought, also helping him pay for what he has to pay his ex wife towards their kid’s expenses.. we don’t have a kid of our own yet.. it’s just sad to think that i can’t even give anything to my own mother even just a couple bucks every month..feels like walking on egg shells with him.

Okay, Uhmm Maybe you guys need to see a marriage counselor or something. How is this related to immigration? Are you asking because you want to divorce and wondering what that'll do to your immigration status? That I can try to answer. Not gonna touch the marriage/money issue. That's for each couple to figure out. Outsiders really are not helping. 

[Mrs Thor 16]

That's sad to hear. The best thing to do is to communicate and tell your husband about our filipino culture of helping our parents. In here, I believe once you're married, you have no accountability to your parents and just to focus on your kids. His kids are your kids already, so probably he thinks supporting his children and your child should be prioritiezed. 

 

On my part, I am currently going through an opposite thing. Everytime I talk to mom over videocall, she pressures me a lot of sending money and supporting them. She demands to send a huge amount of money (to think I am not working yet cause I am still waiting for my EAD) for my brother's school fees and allowances, as well as sending our tithe to the ministry (my parents are pastors and my mom wants me to send my tithe to them cause the church that we go to here in US has enough money), and send money for her monthly loan in the Philippines. My husband agreed to help me with my brother's school fees, but he's hesitant about sending too much for my mom. I am torn between my mom and my husband. My husband is so generous and loving, but he also thinks we have to start saving to establish since we just got married this year.

 

Anyway, I just felt your stress and pressure. Just talk to your husband about it. Everything's going to be alright. 

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

It's cultural, very few Americans feel an obligation to support their parents financially. What you see as good and normal he sees differently. Sit down and discuss it, compromise as you said it's both of you twos money. His payment to kids is court ordered, your support of parents is voluntary

[geowrian 22,337]

Gotta agree with the consensus here...this is a marital issue that really should have been discussed and worked out long before saying "I do".

 

My now-wife and I discussed the topic of family support beforehand and - with clear lines defined already - it has made the process much less stressful for both of us. We know how much, how often, and under what conditions (i.e. if we lose a source of income or have increased expenses, we aren't stuck). It sounds like it's time to have this overdue discussion of your own. It won't be easy, but the issue won't fix itself and will not end well if you don't.

[Boiler 45,558]

Sounds like he covered a lot of expenses, the process your living expenses and sending money back. Unless you are are very well off with that long list of expenses, I can well understand the issue.

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

40 minutes ago, Mrs Thor said:

That's sad to hear. The best thing to do is to communicate and tell your husband about our filipino culture of helping our parents. In here, I believe once you're married, you have no accountability to your parents and just to focus on your kids. His kids are your kids already, so probably he thinks supporting his children and your child should be prioritiezed. 

 

On my part, I am currently going through an opposite thing. Everytime I talk to mom over videocall, she pressures me a lot of sending money and supporting them. She demands to send a huge amount of money (to think I am not working yet cause I am still waiting for my EAD) for my brother's school fees and allowances, as well as sending our tithe to the ministry (my parents are pastors and my mom wants me to send my tithe to them cause the church that we go to here in US has enough money), and send money for her monthly loan in the Philippines. My husband agreed to help me with my brother's school fees, but he's hesitant about sending too much for my mom. I am torn between my mom and my husband. My husband is so generous and loving, but he also thinks we have to start saving to establish since we just got married this year.

 

Anyway, I just felt your stress and pressure. Just talk to your husband about it. Everything's going to be alright. 

Out of curiosity, how huge?

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

Like Geowrian said it would have been best to talk about this beforehand. But the best thing to do is have an honest discussion about finances and how you feel about them now. There can be intense pressure on children who move abroad from the Philippines to "lift up" those that are left behind. The most important thing is to set limits with your spouse on how much you are going to spend and under what circumstances. It might cause some heart burn with the family back home but it might just save your marriage here.

Edited August 26, 2019 by boris64

[AndyCandy 6]

2 hours ago, boris64 said:

Like Geowrian said it would have been best to talk about this beforehand. But the best thing to do is have an honest discussion about finances and how you feel about them now. There can be intense pressure on children who move abroad from the Philippines to "lift up" those that are left behind. The most important thing is to set limits with your spouse on how much you are going to spend and under what circumstances. It might cause some heart burn with the family back home but it might just save your marriage here.

Actually, the money we send to the Philippines mostly goes towards the mortgage of our house there.. i’m only supporting my mother and not any other members of the family, even before i met my husband. It’s already included in our budget every month, and we talked about it many times already even before we got married.  I’ve been working here as a registered nurse for a year now but still the same. 

[AndyCandy 6]

4 hours ago, Boiler said:

Sounds like he covered a lot of expenses, the process your living expenses and sending money back. Unless you are are very well off with that long list of expenses, I can well understand the issue.

I know he spent a lot of money with the process and everything, but right now it’s different.. i have my own job for a year now, which is a good paying job since i work as an RN. But it seems like it’s still not enough for him.

[Unlockable 7,314]

4 hours ago, Randyandyuni said:

It's cultural, very few Americans feel an obligation to support their parents financially. 

Easy there, my friend. Be careful with those words. I hear this a LOT with foreigners (even people in my wife's country says this). And to honest, it grinds my teeth. Because it is furthest from the truth.

 

But the truth is Americans don't send money to parents at the same rate as people in countries like the Philippines because there are less parents needing financial assistance in America. I read that in the Philippines money being sent from OFW makes up the 20% of the country's GDP. Think about that for a second. And the biggest export in the PHL is workers, hence the name OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker).

 

When people make statements like Americans don't take care of their parents it can be taken the wrong way. My mother is an educated profession who owns two houses. Why would I need to send her money? How many parents you know were able to work until retirement?

 

There are very few pensions, 401k's, IPO's, and social security in developing countries. So why do Americans get criticized because we don't move our parents in one of our home when they turn 50 or 60, when those parents still have an active lifestyle?

 

The truth is that Americans DO TAKE CARE OF OUR PARENTS. The difference is when the time comes. My mother is doing very well financially and with health. But if there is ever a time where she can't do for herself (I'm hoping it will not be for a very long time), my siblings and I will be there to take care of her every need.

[Unlockable 7,314]

*** Moved to "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits"

 

VJ Moderation

[geowrian 22,337]

28 minutes ago, Unlockable said:

Easy there, my friend. Be careful with those words. I hear this a LOT with foreigners (even people in my wife's country says this). And to honest, it grinds my teeth. Because it is furthest from the truth.

 

But the truth is Americans don't send money to parents at the same rate as people in countries like the Philippines because there are less parents needing financial assistance in America. I read that in the Philippines money being sent from OFW makes up the 20% of the country's GDP. Think about that for a second. And the biggest export in the PHL is workers, hence the name OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker).

 

When people make statements like Americans don't take care of their parents it can be taken the wrong way. My mother is an educated profession who owns two houses. Why would I need to send her money? How many parents you know were able to work until retirement?

 

There are very few pensions, 401k's, IPO's, and social security in developing countries. So why do Americans get criticized because we don't move our parents in one of our home when they turn 50 or 60, when those parents still have an active lifestyle?

 

The truth is that Americans DO TAKE CARE OF OUR PARENTS. The difference is when the time comes. My mother is doing very well financially and with health. But if there is ever a time where she can't do for herself (I'm hoping it will not be for a very long time), my siblings and I will be there to take care of her every need.

Agreed. Although I interpreted the original comment differently - most Americans don't financial support their parents because there are programs and lifestyles where the need is much less than developing countries (Edit: such as 401(k)s/403(b)s/other IRAs, pensions, SS, etc.). The italicized part was my reading of what was implied...but yeah, I can see how others on the forum (who may be less familiar with the US support system) may not catch that. So kudos for pointing it out.

 

Edit: So the need for monetary transfers to parents is uncommon with Americans. Whereas it is quite normal in other cultures (e.g. very common with PH), especially when one lives away from them.

Edited August 27, 2019 by geowrian

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

7 minutes ago, Unlockable said:

Easy there, my friend. Be careful with those words. I hear this a LOT with foreigners (even people in my wife's country says this). And to honest, it grinds my teeth. Because it is furthest from the truth.

 

But the truth is Americans don't send money to parents at the same rate as people in countries like the Philippines because there are less parents needing financial assistance in America. I read that in the Philippines money being sent from OFW makes up the 20% of the country's GDP. Think about that for a second. And the biggest export in the PHL is workers, hence the name OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker).

 

When people make statements like Americans don't take care of their parents it can be taken the wrong way. My mother is an educated profession who owns two houses. Why would I need to send her money? How many parents you know were able to work until retirement?

 

There are very few pensions, 401k's, IPO's, and social security in developing countries. So why do Americans get criticized because we don't move our parents in one of our home when they turn 50 or 60, when those parents still have an active lifestyle?

 

The truth is that Americans DO TAKE CARE OF OUR PARENTS. The difference is when the time comes. My mother is doing very well financially and with health. But if there is ever a time where she can't do for herself (I'm hoping it will not be for a very long time), my siblings and I will be there to take care of her every need.

Back up and read what i wrote ... Americans are not cultually driven to financially support our parents, you then went off on your self righteous rant never said Americans dont care for their parents, i said Financially.. BTW i am American, no need to assume anything. 

 

I grew up in a household that included my senile grandmother, we kids shared in her care, my father lived with us for quite a while with us in adulthood

 

so please, before you jump down my throat for something YOU misunderstood or skimmed through haphazardly read it again.

 

 

[Unlockable 7,314]

13 minutes ago, Randyandyuni said:

Back up and read what i wrote ... Americans are not cultually driven to financially support our parents, you then went off on your self righteous rant never said Americans dont care for their parents, i said Financially..  

No self righteousness here. Nor was it a rant. It was informing you how what you stated could be interpreted incorrectly.

 

13 minutes ago, Randyandyuni said:

BTW i am American, no need to assume anything. 

I didn't assume anything. I don't care what you are. I responded to words. It doesn't matter if you were American or a martian. 

 

13 minutes ago, Randyandyuni said:

I grew up in a household that included my senile grandmother, we kids shared in her care, my father lived with us for quite a while with us in adulthood

Which directly proves my point. Americans do care of their parents. If your grandmother needed money you all would have contributed.

 

13 minutes ago, Randyandyuni said:

so please, before you jump down my throat for something YOU misunderstood or skimmed through haphazardly read it again.

If you took it as "jumping down your throat" then this further proves my point. I am completely relaxed. I am not rage typing om my keyboard with veins popping out of my neck and steam coming out of my ears. In fact, I wrote that post as calmly as I get when I am ready for bed. But you thinking I'm jumping down your throat again proves that things posted can be taken the wrong way. 

 

BTW, look at @geowrian reply. He was receptive of my reply but had a different view of mine about your post. He was open to the idea of maybe what was could be taken the wrong way by some people instead of getting defensive. 

Edited August 27, 2019 by Unlockable