How do you deal with an interfering ex?

[laylalex 7,300]

1 hour ago, Boiler said:

I thought they were still married?

No. My divorce was final earlier this year -- we had been separated for just over 2 years at that point. I didn't progress any relationship with A until after my ex had moved out of our home.

 

1 hour ago, yuna628 said:

laylalex: Please stop trying to justify your relationship to people that don't matter. It is your relationship afterall.

It is your choice not to cut off all contact between you and your ex. It's seemingly his choice too, and it sounds like one or both of you need to learn to let go. Who is going to do it first? It is never easy, in fact it is seemingly very hard... but looking back many years later, it's remarkably easy. Parasites bring drama. Why do you think he's trying to bring the drama? Because he's allowed to.

Thank you, yuna. ❤️ It is very hard to let go sometimes, I admit, because we have known each other for so long, and he was my first love. We have a lot of shared history, some of it amazing. I had so many adventures with him that I never would have had if we had not met and fallen in love and married. There are times I look back at what we had and think, yeah, that was a good time. And with so many shared friends, we do occasionally have to share the same room. I would like the drama to be over, and some peace to exist between us. It seemed like at one point earlier this year that was happening but things have gone downhill over the past couple of months. 

 

3 hours ago, Boris Farage said:

I ask again: if this A were having an "emotional relationship" with somebody else, just as you were with him, would that be ok? You justify A's actions (his marriage was a shambles, his wife had left, yadda yadda) but how do you justify your own? You say you were unhappy, but I gather you were still married, together, and your husband was blind to all of this. You insist it was just an emotional relationship, but would you tolerate your current beau involved in an emotional relationship with another woman? Would you feel betrayed? Hurt? Violated? As in... all of the emotions normally associated with cheating? (as an aside, it is my experience that emotional relationships turn quickly into sexual relationships. I'm not outright saying this is what happened with you... but this is what happens.)

Boris, thanks for replying to me. I guess I would feel pretty inadequate and betrayed if I found out A was having a deep emotional connection with one of his exes while still in a relationship with me. Like, what's wrong with me? Am I not enough? My ex, J, WAS blind to how unhappy I was, but not because I hadn't tried to communicate this over the years. He just didn't want to hear. And I really did not intend to fall in love with A again, and I really did pretend to myself it wasn't happening for a long time. When we finally did meet a few months before my ex left me, I made sure it was with my ex there and with some of our friends. I just wanted to see if I really felt the way I thought I did. And frankly, I was pretty upset when we did meet in person -- I was ANGRY with myself for even thinking it was a good idea to do this. (Because it wasn't.) And we didn't do anything because I wasn't ready to leave my husband, if that makes any sense.

 

4 hours ago, Boris Farage said:

Oh I don't know, your husband? Your therapist? A sibling? A parent? Anybody but a potential romantic interest?

Well, he WASN'T a potential romantic interest when we started talking, to be fair. And I spoke with almost all of the people you mention, but they either thought I was being silly and emotional (husband), therapist (told me to leave, but I wasn't ready), sibling (she is too interested in her own life to listen). I was too embarrassed to tell my parents.  

4 hours ago, Boris Farage said:

I didn't say he was, I was just setting up a scenario for you to consider. But now... methinks thou dost protest too much. Consider that a man who cheated with you, will in all likelihood cheat on you in the future. He cheated with you initially because it was a rush, a high. Now you're just his fiancee (without a ring), eventually he will seek that high again.

 

As I said, they are adults. You may think you know many things, but they are not children, and they do not need your interference. Furthermore, you have a small window of opportunity to be the big person in all this. Extend the olive branch. Perhaps invite your ex and the future sister-in-law who may or may not be in a relationship with your ex, to a casual dinner. Nothing breaks the ice more than breaking bread and fine wine.

It was NOT a high for him. It was an absolute low, for us both. We have worked hard together and built something new and functioning, based on friendship and trust. I do not buy into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" belief -- and anyway, he wasn't a cheater! And I don't think it's 100% necessary to have a ring anyway, and I'm not "just" his fiancee. We are people who have a second chance at love and we're not going to mess it up this time.

 

With another day of distance between me and what happened at the weekend, I am stepping back. It's A's fight anyway, not mine. It can be something I can do to lessen the drama. But as for dinner?  Yeaaahhhhhhh, not gonna happen. That's a sure way for someone to get arrested!  

[laylalex 7,300]

3 hours ago, Bettie Page said:

You seem very controlling - I know your types and they usually turn to Mistress Lucy of Westminster to sort out their feelings and let it go

 

3 hours ago, Boris Farage said:

laylalex: "I would very much be interested in hearing your thoughts, Boris"

 

I don't "forgive" him. It's not my place to forgive him. As I said, I don't condone his extramarital activities, but the point is moot. I just need him to run the country in the manner he said he would; he has done that for the most part. His infidelities are between him and the First Lady. (sadly, the left seems to think it's their business.)

 

I am not controlling. I am in control. There is a difference.

To be fair, yes, I did ask for Boris's thoughts. Maybe we should PM on this now, if we're irritating other people, @Boris Farage?

[ohcoffeeeyes 120]

On 8/20/2019 at 12:04 AM, Boris Farage said:

Not a single correct answer to your "predicament" in the whole lot.

 

This is untrue, according to your previous posts where you admitted infidelity.

 

In any case, as well as a casual relationship to the truth, you are the one being selfish here. Your ex is free to do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. He and your future sister-in-law are presumably adults, unencumbered by the constraints of your jealousy and disapproval. You are creating drama for these people where none exists, and your fiance seems to be going along for the ride. It's no wonder you ex tried to hide his participation in her journey, he probably anticipated this very reaction.

 

Honestly, your ex--the man you say is supporting you financially--should probably forget your email and phone number. The fact he continues to engage with such petty behavior must mean he sees something, although I'm not quite sure what that might be. You seem to be taking the adage that we're all the hero of our own stories to the extreme.

 

As for your future sister-in-law, some advice: stop the tantrum long enough to realize that one way or the other, she will be family. You should make nice while that option is still available.

 

Come on man... Yes. The ex can do whatever he wants but hes clearly trying to provoke or infringe them and that is WRONG. He even told the sister to lie because he knew what he was doing was wrong. She also told us that from her opinion, which may be slightly bias, he's the type of person to never do something like that if he has nothing to gain. She was married to him for 7 years, your entire opinion is based off a post. Just saying.

 

p.s laylalex, i understand this post is 3 days old but dont attempt to justify the situation to anyone. especially as your ex-husband seems to keep stepping on your toes despite being separated and divorced for so long. i would seek the courts help as others recommended cause that isnt fair to you.

Edited August 23, 2019 by ohcoffeeeyes

[laylalex 7,300]

43 minutes ago, ohcoffeeeyes said:

Come on man... Yes. The ex can do whatever he wants but hes clearly trying to provoke or infringe them and that is WRONG. He even told the sister to lie because he knew what he was doing was wrong. She also told us that from her opinion, which may be slightly bias, he's the type of person to never do something like that if he has nothing to gain. She was married to him for 7 years, your entire opinion is based off a post. Just saying.

 

p.s laylalex, i understand this post is 3 days old but dont attempt to justify the situation to anyone. especially as your ex-husband seems to keep stepping on your toes despite being separated and divorced for so long. i would seek the courts help as others recommended cause that isnt fair to you.

Thank you for your comments. I have had almost a week to digest all of this, and I have decided to step away from it. It is her mistake to make, and if my fiancé is angry at his sister (which he is) that is his argument. My SIL to be is still in LA and by her account having a productive visit. It is not what I want at all, especially since she's dropping hints there may be something between them, but I am trying to take the high road. 

 

My ex and I did speak this week, very briefly. I wanted to make sure F was doing okay. It was a short and almost bearable chat. He assured me F is doing well and what he was doing for her was a favor to an old friend who needed a boost, and he was able to provide that boost. It is not ideal for my relationship with my fiancé but I am working through that now.😊

[Boris Farage 353]

41 minutes ago, ohcoffeeeyes said:

Come on man... Yes. The ex can do whatever he wants but hes clearly trying to provoke or infringe them and that is WRONG. He even told the sister to lie because he knew what he was doing was wrong. She also told us that from her opinion, which may be slightly bias, he's the type of person to never do something like that if he has nothing to gain. She was married to him for 7 years, your entire opinion is based off a post. Just saying.

This is a lot of conjecture. Do you know for a fact he lied because he knew what he was doing was wrong? Or maybe he lied because he knew how laylalex was going to react, and didn't want to deal with the drama. It seems to me that it was her ex that was trying to avoid conflict.

 

45 minutes ago, ohcoffeeeyes said:

your entire opinion is based off a post. Just saying.

I laid out a very concise interpretation of the events, based not only just a single post, but also on my previous interactions with her on these forums. And while I like to think I get on fine with laylalex, I do find she is sometimes a bit askew with her narrative. I've told her as much; this isn't an insult, just an observation.

 

47 minutes ago, ohcoffeeeyes said:

i would seek the courts help as others recommended cause that isnt fair to you.

Are you really suggesting the courts intervene because laylalex is unhappy that her ex is (potentially) dating her future sister-in-law? This country has a lot of problems, but thank goodness we haven't circled that particular drain yet. As I said earlier, everyone in that situation are adults. They are free to do and behave as they will.

 

My advice to her was to suck it up and even extend an olive branch. I fail to see how this was such terrible advice.

[ohcoffeeeyes 120]

5 minutes ago, Boris Farage said:

This is a lot of conjecture

But you literally did the same thing.... lol. And a lot more of it at that, even going as far as to suggest OP was in an affair. 

 

 

Edited August 23, 2019 by ohcoffeeeyes

[Boris Farage 353]

24 minutes ago, ohcoffeeeyes said:

But you literally did the same thing.... lol. And a lot more of it at that, even going as far as to suggest OP was in an affair.

So if we're agreed that both of us are conjecturing, you have to admit the criticisms you hurled at me are also valid for yourself.

 

But you have ignored what I plainly wrote: my "conjecture" was based on many posts from laylalex. Your "conjecture" was based on the one post. We may both be conjecturing, but I'm operating with much more information, thus mine is more grounded in fact. For example, you say I "suggested OP was in an affair." In fact, if you'd been reading the posts I have read, she did have an affair. Of an emotional sort, she claims, but an affair nonetheless.

[Boris Farage 353]

36 minutes ago, laylalex said:

My ex and I did speak this week, very briefly. I wanted to make sure F was doing okay. It was a short and almost bearable chat. He assured me F is doing well and what he was doing for her was a favor to an old friend who needed a boost, and he was able to provide that boost. It is not ideal for my relationship with my fiancé but I am working through that now.😊

Recall when I said to extend the olive branch? Turns out to have been pretty decent advice, eh? 😉

[laylalex 7,300]

53 minutes ago, ohcoffeeeyes said:

But you literally did the same thing.... lol. And a lot more of it at that, even going as far as to suggest OP was in an affair. 

 

 

Boris and I do not agree on a definition of "affair," but he was correct that I needed to let my ex and F figure it out for themselves -- they are both adults. The only person who is really torn up about everything is my fiance, A, who tells me he feels betrayed by everyone -- his sister (of course), his former best friend and me, to some extent, for refusing to take a strong stance against whatever it is that's going on. I just want some peace. Am I happy about what is happening? No! My ex is not a good person. I have said my piece to F and though she doesn't believe me, that is her mistake to make. A tried to drag their mother into it and even she thinks it's wonderful my ex is helping her daughter! It's too too much, so I am pulling back.

29 minutes ago, Boris Farage said:

Recall when I said to extend the olive branch? Turns out to have been pretty decent advice, eh? 😉

It was solid advice, Boris. Thank you. It was not a comfortable conversation with my ex, but given that F really is meeting with people who can help her while she's out here, I understand that what he has done for her is a gift. There were times in our marriage, early on, when he was capable of such selflessness, and I am reminded of it now. There's no going back for us, but it is good to have a little more peace.