How do you deal with an interfering ex?

[Ontarkie 14,553]

Please do not use names here. It is amazing how easy it is for someone you know in real life to find this information.

[laylalex 7,300]

Just now, Ontarkie said:

Please do not use names here. It is amazing how easy it is for someone you know in real life to find this information.

Thank you for editing this for me. 

[Boiler 46,278]

6 minutes ago, laylalex said:

So I shouldn't respond to her texts asking for bar recommendations? Apparently she did find one of her art school friends in LA and they want to go out tonight. 

You live in San Fran, she is in LA with a friend who lives in LA and is asking you for recommendations? Her friend has never been to a bar? 

[laylalex 7,300]

Just now, Boiler said:

You live in San Fran, she is in LA with a friend who lives in LA and is asking you for recommendations? Her friend has never been to a bar? 

I am from the LA area, lived there most of my life (except for college) until the end of last year. She's asking me for recommendations because she wants some additional input on what the friend has proposed. I am familiar with two of the places and I think one of them would be a place she'd really like. That's all.

 

And I live in Berkeley, not SF. 

[Boris Farage 353]

48 minutes ago, laylalex said:

I did *not* cheat on my ex, and I can't recall ever saying that I did. My ex manufactured a physical affair out of something that was nothing of the sort. My fiance was going through a divorce of his own, we were already close friends, and we talked a lot on the phone. I was his support in a dark time. And as we talked, I realized how unhappy I was in my own marriage. We were there for each other and as we talked, we came to understand that we were more than just friends. It never got physical until after my ex walked out on me claiming I was having an emotional affair and there was no room for him any more in such a claustrophobic mess of a marriage.

What you have described is infidelity, and then insisted that it wasn't.

 

You would be ok if your fiance was having an "emotional affair" with another woman? That wouldn't be cheating to you? Or perhaps he already is, and is justifying it thusly. "Don't worry dear, she means nothing to me. It's only an emotional affair. You're still the only woman I have a sexual relationship with."

 

You're meddling in someone else's relationship, and simultaneously claiming mantle of victim. You must be in fantastic shape for the contortions this involves.

Edited August 20, 2019 by Boris Farage

[Bettie Page 118]

laylalex - I mean this respectfully - it sounds like you and your ex may not have moved on, and possibly have more issues than my mother's collection of National Geographic. When are you planning to marry your fiance?

[laylalex 7,300]

12 minutes ago, Bettie Page said:

laylalex - I mean this respectfully - it sounds like you and your ex may not have moved on, and possibly have more issues than my mother's collection of National Geographic. When are you planning to marry your fiance?

We don't have a date yet. I'm trying to time it so that I can maximize the amount that I'm saving from my support payments each month. Obviously when I get divorced they will stop, and I want to make sure there's enough put to one side. I know that sounds mercenary but it's prudent. We also have the whole L1 thing to contend with, his first visa is up in October of 2020 and he can extend for another 2 (I think) years. I don't want to wait that long -- assuming he gets it extended -- but I think given how messy everything has been so far we need to take it slowly. 

 

48 minutes ago, Boris Farage said:

What you have described is infidelity, and then insisted that it wasn't.

 

You would be ok if your fiance was having an "emotional affair" with another woman? That wouldn't be cheating to you? Or perhaps he already is, and is justifying it thusly. "Don't worry dear, she means nothing to me. It's only an emotional affair. You're still the only woman I have a sexual relationship with."

 

You're meddling in someone else's relationship, and simultaneously claiming mantle of victim. You must be in fantastic shape for the contortions this involves.

I have some thoughts about this but I'll reply later. For now, I just want to say I don't think this is a fair analysis, I think.

Edited August 20, 2019 by laylalex
Add other quote.

[Boris Farage 353]

36 minutes ago, laylalex said:

I have some thoughts about this but I'll reply later. For now, I just want to say I don't think this is a fair analysis, I think.

I'm just asking questions, not analyzing. I would very much be interested in hearing your answers.

[laylalex 7,300]

2 hours ago, Boris Farage said:

I'm just asking questions, not analyzing. I would very much be interested in hearing your answers.

Lol, I don't know why I'm providing them! (I know I am a chronic oversharer, so there's that.) 

4 hours ago, Boris Farage said:

What you have described is infidelity, and then insisted that it wasn't.

 

You would be ok if your fiance was having an "emotional affair" with another woman? That wouldn't be cheating to you? Or perhaps he already is, and is justifying it thusly. "Don't worry dear, she means nothing to me. It's only an emotional affair. You're still the only woman I have a sexual relationship with."

 

You're meddling in someone else's relationship, and simultaneously claiming mantle of victim.

So, I have been thinking about what you said here, and I guess we just aren't going to agree. I don't see it as an affair, really. I mean, certainly when I started talking to A (making sure to use initials only here, kind of paranoid now, but A is the fiance) about what was going on in his marriage, his was over. His wife had taken their daughter and walked out of their home, and it 100% had nothing to do with me or anything romantic at all, it was a money thing. And when A called, he called our landline (we had one for faxes) to speak to my ex (J, who was then very much my husband). I happened to pick up the phone. It was all very raw and I was there and J wasn't around that morning (my time), so we talked. And we talked. And we kept talking, for day after day. And as we did so, I started opening up about what was happening in my own marriage. I'd been unhappy for a long time, but I was so used to pretending that everything was great that very few people knew how bad it was. I was pretty embarrassed, because it seemed on the outside like I lived this awesome life, but on the inside it was a horror show.

 

So who better to talk to about my own problems than his best friend, who was also a close friend of mine by that point? At first, A was supportive of me trying to fix things, encouraged me to seek couples' therapy, but I'm sure you know as an Englishman how hard it is to get one of those to go to therapy!!! I got him to go once and it was a non-starter. So I just kept talking to A, and soon enough we were pretty much acting like each other's therapist. We had so much shared history, and it seemed like a very safe space. It took quite a while to realize that I was looking forward more to my talks with A than seeing my husband, probably 6 months or so. Neither of us really intended it to happen, and we didn't even say the "L" word for some time after. Trust me, it was NOT what I wanted -- I wanted to be with J forever, as I had promised him, even though he was a terrible husband. I didn't have the nerve to leave him, even when A explained to me that he was certain that we were busted. 

Now, it is NOT true that A is having an affair, emotional or otherwise, with anyone, so I do not know where you are getting that from. He has close friends that happen to be women, and I am fine with this because they are my friends, too. I trust him completely. And I like to think I would have a better idea of what is going on in his life than my ex did in mine -- he was always-away and never-around due to business. I am very much present in my fiance's life -- we talk every night we are not together, usually for over an hour, and we chat online all day long. 

 

You call it "meddling in someone else's relationship" that I don't think my fiance's sister should take anything of value from my ex? I know too well how many strings are attached to anything he gives. And I sincerely hope it is NOT a relationship! If it just stays as a favor done to an old friend, I might live with that. But it's just... it's tricky. I know I've overshared here and going further down this road is just going to make everyone look bad. In my defense, I *did* say this was all a mess!

 

Speaking of nightly calls, I'm overdue for mine with my fiance.  I would very much be interested in hearing your thoughts, Boris. Sorry to everyone again for oversharing, it's just such a weird time right now and hearing others' thoughts on this is helping.

[TBoneTX 46,294]

I'm reminded of:

https://www.stlyrics.com/songs/e/eddyarnold24252/imthrowingriceatthegirlilove859797.html

 

Ex-partners have to let go in classy fashion, even if they're dying a thousand deaths inside.

[Boris Farage 353]

8 hours ago, laylalex said:

Lol, I don't know why I'm providing them! (I know I am a chronic oversharer, so there's that.) 

So, I have been thinking about what you said here, and I guess we just aren't going to agree. I don't see it as an affair, really. I mean, certainly when I started talking to A (making sure to use initials only here, kind of paranoid now, but A is the fiance) about what was going on in his marriage, his was over. His wife had taken their daughter and walked out of their home, and it 100% had nothing to do with me or anything romantic at all, it was a money thing. And when A called, he called our landline (we had one for faxes) to speak to my ex (J, who was then very much my husband). I happened to pick up the phone. It was all very raw and I was there and J wasn't around that morning (my time), so we talked. And we talked. And we kept talking, for day after day. And as we did so, I started opening up about what was happening in my own marriage. I'd been unhappy for a long time, but I was so used to pretending that everything was great that very few people knew how bad it was. I was pretty embarrassed, because it seemed on the outside like I lived this awesome life, but on the inside it was a horror show.

I ask again: if this A were having an "emotional relationship" with somebody else, just as you were with him, would that be ok? You justify A's actions (his marriage was a shambles, his wife had left, yadda yadda) but how do you justify your own? You say you were unhappy, but I gather you were still married, together, and your husband was blind to all of this. You insist it was just an emotional relationship, but would you tolerate your current beau involved in an emotional relationship with another woman? Would you feel betrayed? Hurt? Violated? As in... all of the emotions normally associated with cheating? (as an aside, it is my experience that emotional relationships turn quickly into sexual relationships. I'm not outright saying this is what happened with you... but this is what happens.)

 

 

8 hours ago, laylalex said:

So who better to talk to about my own problems than his best friend, who was also a close friend of mine by that point?

Oh I don't know, your husband? Your therapist? A sibling? A parent? Anybody but a potential romantic interest?

 

8 hours ago, laylalex said:

Now, it is NOT true that A is having an affair, emotional or otherwise, with anyone, so I do not know where you are getting that from. He has close friends that happen to be women, and I am fine with this because they are my friends, too. I trust him completely. And I like to think I would have a better idea of what is going on in his life than my ex did in mine -- he was always-away and never-around due to business. I am very much present in my fiance's life -- we talk every night we are not together, usually for over an hour, and we chat online all day long.

I didn't say he was, I was just setting up a scenario for you to consider. But now... methinks thou dost protest too much. Consider that a man who cheated with you, will in all likelihood cheat on you in the future. He cheated with you initially because it was a rush, a high. Now you're just his fiancee (without a ring), eventually he will seek that high again.

 

8 hours ago, laylalex said:

You call it "meddling in someone else's relationship" that I don't think my fiance's sister should take anything of value from my ex? I know too well how many strings are attached to anything he gives. And I sincerely hope it is NOT a relationship! If it just stays as a favor done to an old friend, I might live with that. But it's just... it's tricky. I know I've overshared here and going further down this road is just going to make everyone look bad. In my defense, I *did* say this was all a mess!

As I said, they are adults. You may think you know many things, but they are not children, and they do not need your interference. Furthermore, you have a small window of opportunity to be the big person in all this. Extend the olive branch. Perhaps invite your ex and the future sister-in-law who may or may not be in a relationship with your ex, to a casual dinner. Nothing breaks the ice more than breaking bread and fine wine.

Edited August 20, 2019 by Boris Farage

[Bettie Page 118]

Dude - take a chill pill. Why do you care so much about how laylalex interprets her situation.

 

If you can forgive Trump boning a porn star while his third wife is nursing his child, you can let her off the hook for an "emotional affair"

 

You seem very controlling - I know your types and they usually turn to Mistress Lucy of Westminster to sort out their feelings and let it go

[Boris Farage 353]

9 minutes ago, Bettie Page said:

Dude - take a chill pill. Why do you care so much about how laylalex interprets her situation.

laylalex: "I would very much be interested in hearing your thoughts, Boris"

 

10 minutes ago, Bettie Page said:

If you can forgive Trump boning a porn star while his third wife is nursing his child, you can let her off the hook for an "emotional affair"

I don't "forgive" him. It's not my place to forgive him. As I said, I don't condone his extramarital activities, but the point is moot. I just need him to run the country in the manner he said he would; he has done that for the most part. His infidelities are between him and the First Lady. (sadly, the left seems to think it's their business.)

 

12 minutes ago, Bettie Page said:

You seem very controlling - I know your types and they usually turn to Mistress Lucy of Westminster to sort out their feelings and let it go

I am not controlling. I am in control. There is a difference.

[yuna628 9,747]

laylalex: Please stop trying to justify your relationship to people that don't matter. It is your relationship afterall.

It is your choice not to cut off all contact between you and your ex. It's seemingly his choice too, and it sounds like one or both of you need to learn to let go. Who is going to do it first? It is never easy, in fact it is seemingly very hard... but looking back many years later, it's remarkably easy. Parasites bring drama. Why do you think he's trying to bring the drama? Because he's allowed to.

[Boiler 46,278]

I thought they were still married?