Coping with homesickness

[Nicola and Jordan 668]

Hey! We have similar timelines. I am probably opposite to you in the sense that I moved from the countryside in England to Manhattan, NYC so that in itself was a shock to the system 😂 I’ve visited here loads over the years but it’s totally different living here! Also I am such a social person and not knowing anyone has been such a struggle. My husband is the opposite to me and is a homebody. I really struggled with homesickness to the point where I was crying all the time and I felt really bad for my husband as he felt so guilty. 

I decided to try and refocus my thoughts and embrace my new life here, look for things I enjoyed doing even though it was by myself. I didn’t focus on being lonely instead, I focused on exploring and embracing the city. I joined an expats group on Facebook and I am meeting a group of girls on Thursday evening which I am really looking forward to! 

Not being able to work has been tough, not financially but mentally but I keep to a routine like getting up when my husband does, go to the gym everyday and plan something for everyday even if it’s something small. 

Facetiming my friends and family is great and they have also visited or will be visiting. Not being able to leave the country is tough but maybe try and plan a vacation within the states? I know it’s not the same but something to look forward to and there are so many amazing places to visit! 

 

You are definitely not alone and from the looks of the other experiences here it does get easier. Just embrace what you have and try and keep a positive mind ♥️ 

[Amadia 711]

OP, join the club! 

Being homesick is completely NORMAL  

Time heals all things....We were/have been there at some point in our Immigration journey. Settle in and then go visit back home when you can.

You'll get so busy settling in the US that the time will fly by and you won't even notice.....getting a house, new job, little pattering feet running around  

[Patience089 92]

I am also going through the AOS process at the moment and it is killing me to not be able to do anything. 
I was even also considering going home because my husband and I were fighting A LOT. He didn't really understand why I was complaining about not having anything to do here. LOL. He understands now.

Anyways...
I found groups on meetup (App) and facebook and even instagram  
(Those groups helped me to feel a little more at home). Maybe they have groups like that in your town? 
Maybe there are a few people on instagram that live very close to you and are also from London or its surrounding areas. I also find that it helps to not compare the countries too much (I was doing that pretty badly when it comes to e.g. food (and that made me miss my home country more)).

With all of that being said: 
Hopefully the processing times will decrease soon!

[TBoneTX 45,849]

2 hours ago, mc962 said:

English as a Second Language (ESL) classes at the local library [...] that wouldn't necessarily make sense for you to take as a class

Uh, depends on what she sounds like now to the Mississippi natives... might need to hire an interpreter.  

[JudeB77 29]

51 minutes ago, Nicola and Jordan said:

Hey! We have similar timelines. I am probably opposite to you in the sense that I moved from the countryside in England to Manhattan, NYC so that in itself was a shock to the system 😂

Thanks for your comments. I would LOVE to be in New York! I miss being in a big city. It's one of the hardest things about moving here, having gone from a city with so much going on to a small town with very little happening. I'm also missing being able to walk around. It's always been one of my favourite things to do. Whenever I visit somewhere new I like to get out and explore it on foot, and when I'm feeling stressed out about something, or there's something on my mind, I just head out the door and put one foot in front of the other until I feel better. It's not really possible to do that here! My husband has said we can move anywhere I want to, so I've been researching the most walkable cities in the country. Of course, NYC tops that list! I don't think we'll be moving there, though - he's a small town boy so he's said it would be too big for him.

That all said, I remember when I first moved to London and I was overwhelmed by how big it was. I got used to it eventually, and I'm trying to remind myself of that period of adjustment when I find myself desperately wanting to go back.

[Marieke H 2,522]

What helped me a lot to keep my sanity,  was forcing myself to get out of the house every single day. It's so easy to just sit at home when you feel miserable, but just sitting at home just made me feel even more miserable. It made my world very small.

During the first month, when I did not have that rule yet, I would sometimes pick fights with my husband or just be very difficult. He'd ask me if I'd left the house at all that day, and that made me realize I'm a much nicer person when I get some time outside of the house. It could be anything: a walk to the store, a yoga class, a bike ride, or just reading a book on a bench in a park. 

[JudeB77 29]

7 minutes ago, TBoneTX said:

Uh, depends on what she sounds like now to the Mississippi natives... might need to hire an interpreter.  

Tell me about it! One of the bus drivers on our very rudimentary bus service just can't understand me. The first time I spoke to her I was on my way to a local park to go for a run. I had to repeat myself multiple times before she could get her head around the word 'run' (although to be fair on her, this is Mississippi - not a lot of running goes on here), and we completely gave up on the name of the park I was going to. The next time I saw her she couldn't understand me when I said the word 'phone'. Huh?? I've given up trying to say anything, which probably makes me seem very rude but it does make things easier 😂

 

[JudeB77 29]

3 minutes ago, MariekeH said:

What helped me a lot to keep my sanity,  was forcing myself to get out of the house every single day. It's so easy to just sit at home when you feel miserable, but just sitting at home just made me feel even more miserable. It made my world very small.

During the first month, when I did not have that rule yet, I would sometimes pick fights with my husband or just be very difficult. He'd ask me if I'd left the house at all that day, and that made me realize I'm a much nicer person when I get some time outside of the house. It could be anything: a walk to the store, a yoga class, a bike ride, or just reading a book on a bench in a park. 

I'm with you on that! It does make me feel so much better to get out of the house. The problem I have is that I'm used to just being able to walk out of the house and get to wherever I want to go to, but I can't do that here. We're three miles out of the centre of town. There is a bus, but it runs once every half an hour at best and is rather unreliable - not to mention limited in where it goes. I can't walk to the store as it's about four miles away. I can get on my bike, and I can cycle to the park to read my book, but as it's hot and humid here (and only going to get hotter and more humid) I don't always want to! Walking has always been my therapy, and I miss being able to do it. I've told my husband that we have to move somewhere more walkable.  

[Elif_and_Greg 164]

Some people relish the chance to move to a smaller town and have a quieter life. But others if they're really accustomed to a bustling metropolis can struggle to adapt. I think at the very least you should give everything more of a chance. Four months is not much time to get over feeling homesick. And ultimately, even if it's a couple years later, maybe you'll still hate it there. But before you and your husband were to make a big decision to leave the U.S. and go to Londonistan, perhaps even consider a different U.S. city. 

 

I live in a relatively smaller town, which still has a nice downtown area and most important, many mountains to play in. I couldn't imagine living without my mountains. At any rate, I understand feeling homesick. Once I had to leave my hometown and live in Seattle for almost five years. And honestly, I never enjoyed it. However, I COULD have enjoyed it if I were more open minded, perhaps. There can be good in any place you go to. Seattle was too big and liberal for me, but it made me stronger in life. When I finally returned to my hometown, I had the confidence and ability to do things I never thought possible. 

 

At any rate, my biggest fears for my fiance is her coming here and missing her friends and family and home too. I tell her all the time that I will be worried about that everyday. And I try to tell her as much as possible what like will be like here. She's positive she won't miss her hometown, just her family. And once she comes here, she'll have to wait awhile before she can go back to visit her family. Spending time with family really takes the edge off of homesickness. 

 

 

[TBoneTX 45,849]

15 minutes ago, JudeB77 said:

I've given up trying to say anything

Then allocate every available cent to Dialect Therapy.

Advice to live by:  "When in the Colonies, do (speak) as the Colonists do."

[Marieke H 2,522]

4 minutes ago, JudeB77 said:

I'm with you on that! It does make me feel so much better to get out of the house. The problem I have is that I'm used to just being able to walk out of the house and get to wherever I want to go to, but I can't do that here. We're three miles out of the centre of town. There is a bus, but it runs once every half an hour at best and is rather unreliable - not to mention limited in where it goes. I can't walk to the store as it's about four miles away. I can get on my bike, and I can cycle to the park to read my book, but as it's hot and humid here (and only going to get hotter and more humid) I don't always want to! Walking has always been my therapy, and I miss being able to do it. I've told my husband that we have to move somewhere more walkable.  

Is there a pool you could go to? That might be an option on hot days. During summer, I would sometimes get up very early for a walk or bike ride, or go out in the evening. Not sure if that's an option for you though, it gets hot here but not that humid, so early mornings and evenings are usually bearable. 

Or maybe find some indoor activities that would still get you out of the house? Some classes, or volunteer work?

What also helped me, was planning for a future after the long wait. I researched job opportunities and requirements, worked on my resume, so by the time my EAD was about to be approved, I knew exactly what I wanted to do, found the job that I wanted, and got it.

[Wuozopo 4,293]

14 minutes ago, TBoneTX said:

Advice to live by:  "When in the Colonies, do (speak) as the Colonists do."

I recently learned to say RANCH dressing in Texan to the drive-thru speaker. It changed my life. 😂 

[Boris Farage 353]

2 hours ago, JudeB77 said:

Thanks. Alas I've never been into sports - at home or here - so I can't see myself being sucked into going to baseball or American football games.I'll just have to find a different way to wind people up 😂

Anyway, it's great to hear from someone else who moved over here from London. I'm not going to pretend I loved everything about living there but the good stuff always outweighed the bad, enough for me to have stuck with it for 18 years. I sometimes think I'm crazy to have given up living there so it's reassuring to know there's life after London. 

I watched "Good Omens" this past weekend and there is (without giving anything too much away) a fantastic joke about the M25 being an actual flaming circle of hell. When I have any vague emotional pull towards moving home, I run down a list of inconveniences and frustrations I would face there, and the M25 is certainly near the top, or at least in the top 10. You might consider drafting (and occasionally adding to) your own list of "Things I Do Not Miss" for those moments you find yourself looking for a ticket home.  

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

I don't want to quote a bunch of your stuff, so I'll just kind of broadly reply:

 

I've been in your shoes before and it sucks!  This was about 7 years ago when I lived in Scandinavia, but I just wasn't having it. It wasn't that I was homesick as much as that I didn't like where I was. I'm kind of a wanderer, so I don't mind moving somewhere new, it just has to be somewhat suitable.

 

Which brings me to moving. You and your husband should definitely come up with a plan to move somewhere else. About 5 years ago, the husband (immigrant) and I moved to a small town in the Midwest and while he loves it, these are not my people and I've had the itch to move for a little while now. It is becoming unbearable. I too am a homebody and the more I get to know people (which is a lot now), the less I like it. I thought the opposite might be the case, but nope. I don't know their second cousin who lives on the farm outside of town, or like hotdish, or even dress the same as them. Annnnd there is no diversity of thought, or appearance, or in general. 

 

I'm struggling, and I'm trying to balance my chances of getting into med school as a preferred local applicant in a few years, versus just moving. Fudge, even a trip to Fargo is exciting, if that says anything.

 

Edited June 24, 2019 by N-o-l-a

[laylalex 7,293]

Aw, I really feel for you. ❤️ I have the flipside of your experience -- I went to the UK to be with my husband (now ex-husband -- we were fiances only back then) as a six-month trial run before we decided where to live. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I hated it! I had lived over there for almost a year on a junior year abroad, but it was a COMPLETELY different experience just being over there and having nothing to do (obviously I couldn't work, I was a tourist). When I was a student, I had classes and classmates and homework and projects and a big social life, and all of a sudden I had one person who was the focus of my whole life. It was better when we were in London because I had friends there and obviously (as you know) there is so much to do and places to explore, but I also spent a considerable amount of time out in Suffolk in the countryside, living with his parents. It was... not great. I am a city girl and I went a little crazy during the times I was out doing nothing but going for long walks down to the sea. It didn't help that his work took him away traveling frequently (which is why I ended up in Suffolk, he was worried I'd lose my mind living alone but honestly I think I would have been better off in London during those times!).

 

Learn from my mistakes! I would have done better by speaking up for myself and making it clear what I did and did not want to do to cope with the feelings of loneliness I had. Living with his parents for example was not a good idea in reality, though it seemed like a good idea on paper. After the first horrible time, I should have said no instead of letting it happen again (and again 🙄). I didn't make it clear to him how much I needed him to be around more for me (this was an ongoing problem even after he settled in the US). Keeping the lines of communication clear is so important! Sounds like you have that covered so yay!

 

I also should have made more efforts to take part in local life -- there was a Women's Institute out in the country I could have joined, but I thought they wouldn't want me, and there were ample opportunities to volunteer that I passed by. I was way, WAY too shy and I thought everyone was judging me all the time for my accent. (American accents tend not to create the positive reaction over there as any of the various British accents do over here, in my experience.) I don't regret not making the move over there, but there were so many ways I could have made it easier for myself.