I pray it never happens...

[gimygirl 0]

nice man ...

please do point out where i made any judgements in regards to the OP ... i merely stated my thoughts on certain things he posted, as did many other people. i also did not offer up an opinion of him caring more about his residency vs his wife's mental condition. in general, as a nurse i have a wealth of compassion ... as a psych nurse, i have gained the ability to spot idiosyncrasies in someone's storytelling. of course there are times when i air on the side of caution ... as i did in this case, i answered the OP's 'simple question' (as you put it) in the last paragraph of my first post.

i find it ironic that you call out posters on this thread as being judgemental ... isn't that judging someone? i guess your version is more acceptable ...

sorry to hear that you now have to pay the highest insurance premiums ... unfortunately, we are all responsible for our own actions. glad to hear that you are doing well!

[CWR 0]

@Niceman:

Perfect posting, kind of sums it all up, couldn't have put it better myself

Thank you,

CW

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Not taking sides, of course, but I'd like to add that unless the OP has some sort of crisis management or psychological evaluation training, how secure could he or should he be in assessing what the potential symptoms of a repeat episode might be? I'd suspect that there are people that on the surface *appear* to be functioning and normal, but are still deeply troubled within. I certainly wouldn't wish to be the one to decide if someone has a proclivity towards committing suicide or not.

[gimygirl 0]

very true miss mermaid .... i should not have assumed that about the OP ... kind of a hazard working in a psych hospital! thanx for bringing that up!

[notrepetiteashley 0]

I hope the OP has talked to his wife about this. We have no way of knowing what he has said to her, obviously.

You CANNOT diagnose someone over the internet. Just had to say that.

Also...I can see why people are trying to be compassionate to this person and also why people are uneasy about this person. To be totally honest, it doesn't sit quite right we me, either. I don't have all the information, to be sure!!! None of us do. It's easy for the imagination to add facts to a story that aren't there, as well.

But that initial post...If I had to analyze it for a class ((I have a degree in psychology, but will be going back for the phd soon, yikes!)) there are a few points I would bring up as a bit odd, so I see where you're coming from, gimygirl. That's what we're *trained* to do.

I do honestly hope both the OP and his wife are fine. Hopefully nothing I've said offends you. It isn't meant that way at all, but sometimes it's hard to "hear" that over the internet. I just felt like adding my view...right or wrong in other's views...respecting all views. How's that for a disclaimer?

[Kajikit 65]

Have some compassion people! I can quite understand his worry, from both sides of the equation... haven't you ever had the worry of 'what if something bad happened to my spouse, what would happen to me?' I know I have! And it sounds like he has reason to worry because of her history...

But Backpakr, I'd like to offer you a word of hope too - if your wife is truly recovered from her depression and she's dealt with whatever the stressors were that caused it, she may very well NOT suffer a relapse now, even after the loss of her father. When my grandparents died, everyone watched me like a hawk and were like 'how are you handling it, are you okay?' and I more than half expected to relapse myself, but I didn't... I had regular grief the same as everyone else who loses a loved one. It is a part of life that people die, especially sick people... Be there for her and keep an eye on her and take appropriate action if necessary (like taking her to the hospital)... but she may not do that. It sounds to me like her depression was caused by a severe overdose of stress and now she has you to lean on she may not have as much trouble handling it. The old saying of 'a burden shared is a burden halved' is very true.

[nice_man 0]

Gimygirl:

My post was largely made out of frustration for Dmartmar's comments. They were making all kinds of speculations on the original poster. Everything from questioning the original poster's motives for getting married (wouldn't that accusation suggest that the original poster was focusing more on their residency then their wife??) to them making up ideas that their wife might get depressed again, even though they hadn't shown any (visible) symptoms in awhile. If you don't want to call those comments judgments - fine. Don't. But you have to call them pretty inappropriate and irresponsible assumptions, at the minimum.

The only reason why I dragged you into this is because you said in response to Dmartmar's comments '*giggles* i was thinking the same thing ... one does not often wonder out of the blue about someone committing suicide after they've showed no signs or symptoms in recent months. *shrugs*'. So in other words, you appeared to be backing up the inappropriate and irresponsible assumptions that Dmartmar made. I didn't think that was very compassionate of you.

As far as judging you both, what's wrong with calling a song writer a song writer, if they're writing songs? Like I said before, if after re-reading Dmartmar's comments again, you still don't think he was making judgements about the original poster, then don't think that. I don't care. But I still think some of those things should NOT have been said at all. They were WRONG.

Your last comment to me intrigues me as well. You said: 'sorry to hear that you now have to pay the highest insurance premiums ... unfortunately, we are all responsible for our own actions.' Now the first thing that I thought of when I read that was that I just had to suck it up and pay the consequences now for being depressed before. That almost made me laugh. You know, it's not like me or anybody else in this world gets depressed on purpose, you know! Yes, I do have to pay higher insurance rates now. But it's not because I was being irresponsible before. My depression was simply my response to a very terrible situation in my life at the time.

Anyway... who cares. My intent is not to have some ridiculously long argument here. I just thought that Dmartmar in particular was being too hard on the original poster. I will always defend those who can't defend themselves. That's why I'm a nice man. I would rather that people bash me then bash the original poster in this case (especially when NOBODY here knows the WHOLE story), because I can take it - no problem. The original poster just needs a break right now. Lord knows they have more then enough pressure on them right now, the way it is.

Edited March 28, 2006 by nice_man

[JayJay 4]

Goodness me and wow....

Dmartmar, we're going to have to agree to disagree about this one. I tend to analyze things before I post a response. So thanks, but I've done that already - my conclusions are my conslusions.

And quite frankly, until you've had to wonder how your dead brother's house would smell if you left it a week to come see him, you don't know what a psychological mind-screw it can be to deal with a suicidal person, diagnosed or not. I really have been through that, and yes, one does wonder who the hell is going to organise the funeral, tell the parents, clean out the things, take care of the pets. When someone's suicidal and you're very close to them physically as well as mentally, you come to accept inevitable death as a thing o be dealt with and prepared for. I'm not exaggerating, or lying. I'm sorry if I sound a little dry...but you know what? I feel a little dry...

To the OP...I do hope things are going better by now

[mrs.jenjen 0]

God Damn Gimygirl and Dmartmar! You obviously don't worry about things to the depth that I do!!

My husband works as a Police Officer in Dallas, which has one of the highest homicide rates in the US. Dispite the fact that its probably totally irrational, dispite the fact that he is a Veteran who served in Bosnia, Iraq and Afghanistan in recent years and as probably been shot at more times than I've had hot dinners and is still very much alive and kicking... I catch myself worrying about the possibility of him going to work one day and the worst happening.

And you know what? My mind doesn't focus on him, because well - as harsh as it sounds, he'd be dead. It invariably strays towards what would happen to me. I'm going through AOS now. What if it happened tomorrow? Where would I be? How would I cope? We live paycheck to paycheck - How would I even afford the ticket home? Everything and anything runs through your mind, and usually for me its not the thought of the grief I'd experience from losing him that scares me, its the logistics of what the hell would happen to me.

I don't see how that is any different to the OP's concerns. Of course I love my husband - I gave up everything to be with him. Would I fall apart emotionally if this happened? Absolutely. But this is an immigration forum, and the OP is writing to ask about an immigration concern. If he was looking for support and advice on how to help his wife, I'd assume he'd be asking in a depression forum. As he isn't, he is writing from a different view point. Thats how I see it anyway.

Irrational or not, I'm sure this whole thing is something that everyone going through AOS has thought of at least fleetingly. Its scary to have your whole life, and the whole new life you have made for yourself in this Country, based soley upon the welfare of another person.

[JayJay 4]

I thought of a good analogy last night: caring for a suicidal person is in many ways like caring for a terminally ill person. Imagine all of the preperations you'd have to make for a terminally ill person, and you've got the picture - although there's the added madness-making-thing of "will he/she...or won't he/she..." - in the end, the whole experience can really change you as a person.

[meauxna 15]

Irrational or not, I'm sure this whole thing is something that everyone going through AOS has thought of at least fleetingly. Its scary to have your whole life, and the whole new life you have made for yourself in this Country, based soley upon the welfare of another person.

Hear, hear, mrs.jenjen. It's a matter of practicality and every immigrating spouse/fiance should know what their options are should the Real World interfere (divorce, death of the USC etc). I've made sure that my immigrant spouse knows the jist of the process, is aware of his rights independant of me, where all the paperwork is kept, what the important dates are for *his immigration status* and where to turn for help if he needs it. I want this for him regardless of what happens to our relationship; the man sold up everything and moved halfway round the globe at my whim. If I love him enough to bring him here, I love him enough to make sure his future is secure.

And, this particular person is in a precarious situation! After Sept 11, a tragedy that not many heard about was the immigration fate of the spouses and children of foreign workers killed in the WTC. Although they had lived in the US, often for several years, if they did not have PR status, they were not allowed to stay. Imagine dealing with all that, and then being asked to leave.

If the USC sponsor dies before the AOS is completed, the foreign spouse has an uphill climb to get their status adjusted. It def. requires an attorney. It may still be possible, but it's not a done deal.

It's something worth knowing about.

[pax 0]

Meauxna, without getting into the specifics of this or any situation, is there a link you could give us that does deal with the rights and responsibilities of adjustment applicants and LPRs in the event of the USC's death?

[almaty 19]

Take her to her doctor ...like on Monday. She needs the proper meds to see the world in a different light.

2 years without permission to work??...waiting for a green card....doesnt compute.

i agree..she needs to be on meds quickly...if this is legit

[notrepetiteashley 0]

I love you JayJay, but I've gotta disagree on that one. Taking care of a suicidal person should never be like taking care of a terminally ill person. The terminally ill person is going to die. The suicidal person wants to die. There is a major difference. With immediate medical intervention the person does not have to die. Suicidal does not equal terminal.

I really empathize with you and your brother, though. And I guess I will go ahead and say the reason I feel so strongly about replying in this thread ((I usually like to avoid these sorts of debates)) is because my husband attempted suicide during the first year of our marriage. He wasn't able to get his EAD for 2 years or so and he couldn't attend university. He was really depressed and he ended up in the ER one terrible night. I absolutely know what goes through a person's head in these situations. I also know it's different for everyone.

But please don't see a suicidal person as terminal. Don't plan for their death, prevent it. Do anything you can. I can't stress how important it is to get that person to a medical professional. No need to try and play therapist and go it alone. I've been there and it doesn't work.

Anyway, please don't take that as a personal attack or anything. I just disagree on that one point, that's all. I normally wouldn't have said anything, but as you can see it means something to me. Take care everyone.

[meauxna 15]

Meauxna, without getting into the specifics of this or any situation, is there a link you could give us that does deal with the rights and responsibilities of adjustment applicants and LPRs in the event of the USC's death?

Not at hand, pax & no time for searching today. It's something that probably doesn't have a happy FAQ page at uscis.gov, but is buried in the legal lingo (pre adjustment). I know there is mention on the Removing Conditions page for the post-PR status situation (LPRs).