Married 2 mo ago, but not sure I want to sponsor him now

[Fandango 1,440]

Why are you worried about your money if you're entrusting him with your life?

Pretty blunt way to say it, but think about it. You should either see this as a warning sign and realize there's a reason you're having reservations, or realize that if you trust him with your life (which you're essentially doing), then the money is secondary.

[Bobbie 1]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to tell you but I can tell you with 100% certainty that he will not change. Oh, I am sure he is genuine and I am positive that he is being sincere when he tells you he will change but the truth is, he has no control over it. There is something wrong with him and the problem is not something that he can fix on his own. I am telling you, as God is my witness, the only chance he has for change is with professional help. And even with professional help, there is no guarantee.

I have been through the exact same thing and I almost died for this so called man who told me time and time again that he would change. He was always very genuine too and I was naive and believed him. When i finally realized that he was not going to change because he just didn't know how, I left him. He ended up taking me into the El Paso desert, made me get out the car, start walking, and then he made me count to 100 because he did not want me to know when he was going to shoot me. After torturing me with his shooting game, he made me get back in the car. He then drove me to his house, handcuffed me to the bed and raped me for 2 days until one night, he fell asleep with the keys on his chest and I was able to grap the handcuff key with my free right hand. I unlocked the handcuffs and ran out of there naked.

Please do not wait around for him to change. Even though he has not hit you yet, be prepared just incase he will one day. This just breaks my heart! I usually do not post personal stuff about my life like this but I felt compelled to do so. I just could not resist the urge.

Magnolia,

Thanks for your post. I hope that this man has had some major intervention so he is not able to do this again. I am so sorry that you had to go through that..... and thank you for opening up that way. I do take this to heart and have been doing my best to listen to my friends and family (and the VJ folks) the past couple of weeks. (It is time to listen now). As one of my dear friends told me today (when I was telling her I'm worried about making another big mistake.... the most recent one being getting married so quickly) she said the big mistake this time would be not getting out of this marriage. She is normally not the type of person to encourage divorce at all - but she has been my backbone in this and has helped me to realize that the way he is treating me is just plain wrong and that this is not what God's plan for marriage is. I DO NOT want to be broken down anymore (although he has been "nice" the last two weeks - although we have had some arguments). I do not want to live with an abusive husband (even if it is emotional or psycological) and I surely don't want to have kids with him if I can help it.

Ok - so I'm sure most of you want an update... I asked him for a separation last night. I needed to leave at one point to get some air/space. He was blocking the front door with both arms (walked around the house trying to block me from entering each room). I grabbed the door handle, ready to go. he didn't move...so I said "On the count of three you will move away from the door and let me out"....and by 2 he moved. Out in the car, I ran out and locked the doors. He ran out after me to the passenger side window... I rolled the window down 10" or so...and he stuck his hand in the door and unlocked it.... I yelled at him to get out and to shut the door. He did...but tried to get in the car and sit down again in the passenger seat later. I Did the counting thing again.... He shut it, and I told him I was going to lock it and that he was going to leave it locked. He did. He begged for more time to talk to me...said he needed to keep talking to me. I told him I'd be back in an hour when the bookstore closed. He asked for 1 more minute (to beg basically).... 2 minutes later I told him to back away from the car b/c I was going to leave. I called before I came home. He had talked to his mom...and seemed to have calmed down. If he hadn't I was going to go to a hotel room. He said we could talk about things in the morning. We slept in separate rooms that night and agreed to discuss it in the morning. So we did.... and didn't get much accomplished. I talked to him again on the phone today (he tried to convince me we could work it out and that he is changed....and wanted a list of reasons why I wanted the separation/divorce... and tried to paint a different picture of the past compared to the details I remember and what happened. He is going to stay with some guy friends for a few days (till he flys back?), and we are going to talk at a coffee shop tonight. I've agreed to pay for a counseling appt. with him next Tuesday with the marriage counselor. I figured it may do him some good to get some good advice from the man one last time. I trust this counselor so far.

I've consulted with two lawyers... so I feel that I know my options pretty well. I could apply for the AOS, and not show up at the interview & him not get approved. I've weighed this.... and it was an option...but only if I want to take a chance that he won't slide back into that angry controller role again. I could get him to sign a post-nup, but as long as I keep my assetts (from before the marriage) in my name, they should remain mine after a divorce anyway. Going on 2 mo. of marriage so far, the courts here are very unlikely to grant him alimony, etc.... and he 'says' that he will go back to his country (I'll purchase the ticket of course). I'm wondering though, whether I should get a legal separation, or if it matters. I know if he is out of the US that more than likely he won't attend court for the divorce. In my state, we must be separated 1 year before the divorce can occur at the courthouse. I can get the legal separation (divorce from bed and board) - if he signs the papers. Or just a plain ol' separation where we just don't live together (he'll be out of country). I'm not sure which I should do.... I guess I'll call up the lawyer for another consultation.... Any suggestions? Has anyone had to deal with this? A USC divorcing the immigrant before AOS?

Just want to say thanks for everyone's opinions. Although there is a chance that he can change... I hope that he can find the right help in Argentina. He's already been pointed in the right direction by counselors, friends, and a very unhappy wife here in the states. I told him he better not treat his next wife, or girlfriend this way. The next time he does that he has no excuse - I hope there is not a next time.

YOU have just saved your own life. Realize this, and pat yourself on the back. You may have also saved his. If he see's this as a wake up call, goes back and does something about it, he may not end up hurting or killing a new wife. Really, this is the best for him too.

Congratulations, tough call, but YOU did it.

Bobbie

[ladywhite 0]

Spiritgirl:

I would not think twice about running away from him. I would file a report for his threatening and abusive behaviors. like someone here has said, i would also try to get a restrain order.

I am just wondering about his J-1 visa. If his J-1 has a 2 year residency requirement (HRR) attached to it, it means he must return to his home country and stay there for 2 full years to fullfil that requirement. and if he is subject to that requirement, he can't adjust his staus in the US unless he files for a waiver and it is approved.

I would find out if he is subject to the 2 year HRR. if he is, he won't be able to be here in the US legally anyway since his visa has expeired and you can't do anything about it (AOS thing). Like the earlier post said, marrying a US citizen won't change that if he is subject to a 2 year HRR. he has to leave the US. you'll be safe again. but get a divorce/an anullment first before he leaves.

Good luck with your wise decision. You do deserve way better than this man.

[ladywhite 0]

i just read that you are through with him. Congratulations and good luck with everything.

[*JG* 2]

Please do not stay with this man. He has already been abusive to you, and appears to be escalating-rapidly. It is not your responsibility to take ensure your abuser can stay in the US. Just think, this is how he treats you even when he knows he needs you for AOS. This will only get worse. Don't file the papers.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

[spiritgirl 0]

Hi all,

He gets on a plane today to go back home to Argentina! I asked for a separation last week... and he told me a few days ago that he would fly home - so i bought him a ticket.

For Lisa - who wrote a few posts above - I did trust him with my life.... I no longer do (due to the physical restraints & controlling nature he has), which is why I'm getting out of the situation. I have consulted a couple of lawyers, and in my situation I don't really need any sort of agreements in writing.... I don't even need a legal separation. Even if he is out of the country, I can still get a no-fault divorce after a year of separation. Only if he decides to pay a lawyer, and represent himself in court will he be able to get any alimony, and on a 2 mo. marriage, the courts in my state are unlikely to grant him that. It seems that he will not be coming after me for anything - at least that is what he told me. He still thinks that we belong together... and he tells me he'll be waiting for me. Fat chance I'll take him up on that offer.

I am reclaiming my life and my dreams. I am reclaiming my peace. Thanks for the support everyone. I feel so blessed.... and I am going to find a way, locally, to give back support to others who may be in similar or worse off situations.

Spiritgirl:

I would not think twice about running away from him. I would file a report for his threatening and abusive behaviors. like someone here has said, i would also try to get a restrain order.

I am just wondering about his J-1 visa. If his J-1 has a 2 year residency requirement (HRR) attached to it, it means he must return to his home country and stay there for 2 full years to fullfil that requirement. and if he is subject to that requirement, he can't adjust his staus in the US unless he files for a waiver and it is approved.

I would find out if he is subject to the 2 year HRR. if he is, he won't be able to be here in the US legally anyway since his visa has expeired and you can't do anything about it (AOS thing). Like the earlier post said, marrying a US citizen won't change that if he is subject to a 2 year HRR. he has to leave the US. you'll be safe again. but get a divorce/an anullment first before he leaves.

Good luck with your wise decision. You do deserve way better than this man.

Just to add.... he didn't have the 2 year requirement on his J-1...

[picatue 0]

I have been married about 2 months now to a foreigner who was here on a work-exhcange visa, which expired right before we got married. We were friends during his entire visa stay, but we only dated 1 1/2 mo before marrying. He is still living with me in the U.S. at my home.

My natural desire was to sponsor him to get his perminent residence here, which we were on the verge of putting the application in the mail (I-485, I-130, I-864, I-765, etc...). But some things have happened since we got married, which increasingly got worse, that make me feel unsure about sponsoring him (extreme emotional abuse, control, cutting me off from my friends/family, sleep deprevation..etc... and phsyical restraints... never hit me though..at least not 'yet'). I had discussed/argued with him about the way he was treating me and told him that I didn't feel comfortable/safe with it. He said he would stop, but kept doing it. It all came to a breaking point a week and a half ago, when I was ready to leave the marriage due to all of this(and buy him a flight back to his country). I finally called my family to help me. My friends and family tell me to get out of the relationship now... but after 4 days of separating (I spent the time at my family's house) he is promising to change, etc.. and seems very genuine. I have been back with him for a week now, and we have seen a marriage counselor (who seems good) twice, and I am getting personal counseling as well. His intentions seem genuine...but how can I judge at this point?

I think he loves me... it is believable from what he says now and how he has acted this last week... but I have had my doubts, since marrying, about what his true intentions were in marrying me. I believed that we both loved each other. He always acted very hurt if I brought up questions/concerns addressing the possibility that his intentions weren't purely due to his love for me.

My fear in sponsoring him is due to the financial responsibility I would be agreeing to in the affidavit of support until he becomes a U.S. citizen....and then having things not work out in the marriage (this is not my hope)...and then me still being stuck with the responsibility of ensuring I maintain him at an above povertly income level to ensure he doesn't go on public assistance, etc...

My dilema is that if we do work on this marriage and stay together... I will want him to be here legally and able to work, but I don't want it to be due to him knowing he can get his perm. residence through me. As it is, his J-1 visa is expired. He was living with me (rather than returning to his country) until we could get the application mailed in, which I've read elsewhere that although technically it is illegal, usually it isn't a problem to get the perm. residence approved (as long as he didn't overstay his visa 180+ days). So he can't have a driver's license in my state, no permission to work, etc... Even looked into the possibility of him going to school as an international student but was told since his visa was expired, and he wasn't in his home country, that they couldn't apply for the student visa.

He says he wants to stay with me, and work on the marriage. He says he is willing to change. I love him, but don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. I hear it is more difficult to leave the longer you stay. I want more time to determine whether or not to sponsor him, to determine whether or not his promises are genuine and true. I also need more time to make sure my decisions are wise (since looking back I wasn't so wise to marry him so quickly, but I can't change that now).

In the meantime, I want him to be able to stay legally somehow (so I don't have this pressure to sponsor him), and be able to do normal things like work (legally). I don't want to feel obligated to financially sponsor him b/c now I feel unsafe doing so...and don't want to be financially obligated (by the U.S. gvmt) to a man who may end up being my x-husband if he reverts back to this controlling/abusive behavior. I want to know if there is any way that he can be here legally? even as a non-immigrant? (I know he could be sponsored to be a Perm. Res. by an Employer, but he has no degree completed yet). Is there some other kind of visa I do not know about that he could apply for while living in the U.S. married to a U.S. citizen? Without the intention to be a permanent resident? I read about the K-3 visa...but we would have to send him back home, then bring him back here again...and that could be renewed annually, but I'd still have to provide the affidavit of support??? This doesn't seem to be any better an option than the first. Is there an agency out there that may help with getting him sponsored by an employer, and placing him in a job, even though he doesn't have a degree (the skilled worker option???) and his visa is already expired.

Someone please offer some good advice.... I have good people helping me in the emotional dept. etc... but on top of the marrital issues there is this sponsorship/legal #######, which most people do not know about. I want to know that if he is working on things with me that it is because he loves me and wants to be with me...not so he can use me to get perm. residence. I'm trying to do things right and legal (which is why he isn't driving nor working).

Thanks.

Spirtgirl

with all my respect you need to think about your relation, in two months you went to a counselor for help it does not look nice plus this type of men even that he love you but trust me he will dump you as soon he gets the GC, marriage means respect and intimate relation you can not hurt the one who loves you no matter what but it seems he loves to control you then you will find your self in the corner sitting and crying.

i am sure before marriage the relation was nice cause threre is not obligation but now after you become his wife it will be totaly different.

spirtgirl there is a lot of kind men and nice so do not keep on with him cause even how he feels toward you he will dump you soon once he get his GC.

note: 6 months later you will go to another counselor.

[freecake 0]

OOOH i am so glad you have gotten out of this and he has gone back home,

a happy ending to something that could have gone terribly wrong

Reclaim your life I can tell you Ive done the exact same for myself over the last few months and it is an AMAZING feeling

[ladywhite 0]

Spiritgirl:

I am glad you are finally done and reclaiming your life, peace, and happiness. I wish all the best in the world.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

So happy that you've decided to get away from this man!!

I wish you all the best!

[The Vikings 0]

That was probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do, and one of the wisest. You did the right thing and well done to you.

Please don't start entering into conversations with this man now that he's gone; with him cut from your life you'll soon be really glad of the choice you made. If you let him back into your head with his promises and lies then you'll find yourself constantly questioning what you did and, heaven forbid, maybe even considering taking him back for another round of abuse. Guys like him know how to sound very convincing and tangle you up in well-meaning words and promises, but when angered (usually very quickly and unpredictably) they forget the promises and their true nature takes over, leading to all the things you've already experienced.

Stay strong, stay away and enjoy your future happiness!

Fond thoughts,

C & A

[Bobbie 1]

I hate to say it, but I would have wanted to see him crossing the tarmac getting on the big blue jet.

[babybunny 2]

very good! I know it hurts right now - but, as day pass you will feel more and more sure of your choices. I wish others follow in your foot steps.

[spiritgirl 0]

I have told him not to call me nor email me. i've had to hang up on him after telling him not to call me again (a week ago) and have ignored emails. We have some mutual church friends that he has convinced to try to get me back together with him... and I've told them that I have to cut off discussions with them regarding this for my health and well-being. My family and true friends are behind me and don't want me to get wrapped up with him again. It is my church friends that keep trying to encourage me to try to reconcile b/c he is sorry for what he did..they are forwarding me emails he wrote admitting his fault....I have had to tell them to stop doing this and to keep everything I have said in the past confidential (which I'm sure I asked them to begin with). At the same time he is writting these apologetic emails to them...he is sharing info about me that isn't true with others... (saying I was abused in the past, etc.. etc...)....it is a big mess that I am shutting the door on!!

I think it is time to find a new church....I just think these few people doing this happen to be naive to abuse/abusers and how they act and can make promises until they are blue in the face. He's still working them hard....even from his hometown.... I know he'll learn his lessons in life.... and I hope he does so he doesn't hurt someone else...but it sure isn't going to be me!

Thanks again for all of your support.

[ramos96 1]

a lesson I learned from my great teacher:

as a catepillar you enjoyed your time in the tree eating away, scared at times of what may come to harm you

but today you leave this tree as a butterfly to see the world in new eyes and form.

humbly,

ramos