Married 2 mo ago, but not sure I want to sponsor him now

[spiritgirl 0]

I have been married about 2 months now to a foreigner who was here on a work-exhcange visa, which expired right before we got married. We were friends during his entire visa stay, but we only dated 1 1/2 mo before marrying. He is still living with me in the U.S. at my home.

My natural desire was to sponsor him to get his perminent residence here, which we were on the verge of putting the application in the mail (I-485, I-130, I-864, I-765, etc...). But some things have happened since we got married, which increasingly got worse, that make me feel unsure about sponsoring him (extreme emotional abuse, control, cutting me off from my friends/family, sleep deprevation..etc... and phsyical restraints... never hit me though..at least not 'yet'). I had discussed/argued with him about the way he was treating me and told him that I didn't feel comfortable/safe with it. He said he would stop, but kept doing it. It all came to a breaking point a week and a half ago, when I was ready to leave the marriage due to all of this(and buy him a flight back to his country). I finally called my family to help me. My friends and family tell me to get out of the relationship now... but after 4 days of separating (I spent the time at my family's house) he is promising to change, etc.. and seems very genuine. I have been back with him for a week now, and we have seen a marriage counselor (who seems good) twice, and I am getting personal counseling as well. His intentions seem genuine...but how can I judge at this point?

I think he loves me... it is believable from what he says now and how he has acted this last week... but I have had my doubts, since marrying, about what his true intentions were in marrying me. I believed that we both loved each other. He always acted very hurt if I brought up questions/concerns addressing the possibility that his intentions weren't purely due to his love for me.

My fear in sponsoring him is due to the financial responsibility I would be agreeing to in the affidavit of support until he becomes a U.S. citizen....and then having things not work out in the marriage (this is not my hope)...and then me still being stuck with the responsibility of ensuring I maintain him at an above povertly income level to ensure he doesn't go on public assistance, etc...

My dilema is that if we do work on this marriage and stay together... I will want him to be here legally and able to work, but I don't want it to be due to him knowing he can get his perm. residence through me. As it is, his J-1 visa is expired. He was living with me (rather than returning to his country) until we could get the application mailed in, which I've read elsewhere that although technically it is illegal, usually it isn't a problem to get the perm. residence approved (as long as he didn't overstay his visa 180+ days). So he can't have a driver's license in my state, no permission to work, etc... Even looked into the possibility of him going to school as an international student but was told since his visa was expired, and he wasn't in his home country, that they couldn't apply for the student visa.

He says he wants to stay with me, and work on the marriage. He says he is willing to change. I love him, but don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. I hear it is more difficult to leave the longer you stay. I want more time to determine whether or not to sponsor him, to determine whether or not his promises are genuine and true. I also need more time to make sure my decisions are wise (since looking back I wasn't so wise to marry him so quickly, but I can't change that now).

In the meantime, I want him to be able to stay legally somehow (so I don't have this pressure to sponsor him), and be able to do normal things like work (legally). I don't want to feel obligated to financially sponsor him b/c now I feel unsafe doing so...and don't want to be financially obligated (by the U.S. gvmt) to a man who may end up being my x-husband if he reverts back to this controlling/abusive behavior. I want to know if there is any way that he can be here legally? even as a non-immigrant? (I know he could be sponsored to be a Perm. Res. by an Employer, but he has no degree completed yet). Is there some other kind of visa I do not know about that he could apply for while living in the U.S. married to a U.S. citizen? Without the intention to be a permanent resident? I read about the K-3 visa...but we would have to send him back home, then bring him back here again...and that could be renewed annually, but I'd still have to provide the affidavit of support??? This doesn't seem to be any better an option than the first. Is there an agency out there that may help with getting him sponsored by an employer, and placing him in a job, even though he doesn't have a degree (the skilled worker option???) and his visa is already expired.

Someone please offer some good advice.... I have good people helping me in the emotional dept. etc... but on top of the marrital issues there is this sponsorship/legal #######, which most people do not know about. I want to know that if he is working on things with me that it is because he loves me and wants to be with me...not so he can use me to get perm. residence. I'm trying to do things right and legal (which is why he isn't driving nor working).

Thanks.

[apgk 0]

I have been married about 2 months now to a foreigner who was here on a work-exhcange visa, which expired right before we got married. We were friends during his entire visa stay, but we only dated 1 1/2 mo before marrying. He is still living with me in the U.S. at my home.

My natural desire was to sponsor him to get his perminent residence here, which we were on the verge of putting the application in the mail (I-485, I-130, I-864, I-765, etc...). But some things have happened since we got married, which increasingly got worse, that make me feel unsure about sponsoring him (extreme emotional abuse, control, cutting me off from my friends/family, sleep deprevation..etc... and phsyical restraints... never hit me though..at least not 'yet'). I had discussed/argued with him about the way he was treating me and told him that I didn't feel comfortable/safe with it. He said he would stop, but kept doing it. It all came to a breaking point a week and a half ago, when I was ready to leave the marriage due to all of this(and buy him a flight back to his country). I finally called my family to help me. My friends and family tell me to get out of the relationship now... but after 4 days of separating (I spent the time at my family's house) he is promising to change, etc.. and seems very genuine. I have been back with him for a week now, and we have seen a marriage counselor (who seems good) twice, and I am getting personal counseling as well. His intentions seem genuine...but how can I judge at this point?

I think he loves me... it is believable from what he says now and how he has acted this last week... but I have had my doubts, since marrying, about what his true intentions were in marrying me. I believed that we both loved each other. He always acted very hurt if I brought up questions/concerns addressing the possibility that his intentions weren't purely due to his love for me.

My fear in sponsoring him is due to the financial responsibility I would be agreeing to in the affidavit of support until he becomes a U.S. citizen....and then having things not work out in the marriage (this is not my hope)...and then me still being stuck with the responsibility of ensuring I maintain him at an above povertly income level to ensure he doesn't go on public assistance, etc...

My dilema is that if we do work on this marriage and stay together... I will want him to be here legally and able to work, but I don't want it to be due to him knowing he can get his perm. residence through me. As it is, his J-1 visa is expired. He was living with me (rather than returning to his country) until we could get the application mailed in, which I've read elsewhere that although technically it is illegal, usually it isn't a problem to get the perm. residence approved (as long as he didn't overstay his visa 180+ days). So he can't have a driver's license in my state, no permission to work, etc... Even looked into the possibility of him going to school as an international student but was told since his visa was expired, and he wasn't in his home country, that they couldn't apply for the student visa.

He says he wants to stay with me, and work on the marriage. He says he is willing to change. I love him, but don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. I hear it is more difficult to leave the longer you stay. I want more time to determine whether or not to sponsor him, to determine whether or not his promises are genuine and true. I also need more time to make sure my decisions are wise (since looking back I wasn't so wise to marry him so quickly, but I can't change that now).

In the meantime, I want him to be able to stay legally somehow (so I don't have this pressure to sponsor him), and be able to do normal things like work (legally). I don't want to feel obligated to financially sponsor him b/c now I feel unsafe doing so...and don't want to be financially obligated (by the U.S. gvmt) to a man who may end up being my x-husband if he reverts back to this controlling/abusive behavior. I want to know if there is any way that he can be here legally? even as a non-immigrant? (I know he could be sponsored to be a Perm. Res. by an Employer, but he has no degree completed yet). Is there some other kind of visa I do not know about that he could apply for while living in the U.S. married to a U.S. citizen? Without the intention to be a permanent resident? I read about the K-3 visa...but we would have to send him back home, then bring him back here again...and that could be renewed annually, but I'd still have to provide the affidavit of support??? This doesn't seem to be any better an option than the first. Is there an agency out there that may help with getting him sponsored by an employer, and placing him in a job, even though he doesn't have a degree (the skilled worker option???) and his visa is already expired.

Someone please offer some good advice.... I have good people helping me in the emotional dept. etc... but on top of the marrital issues there is this sponsorship/legal #######, which most people do not know about. I want to know that if he is working on things with me that it is because he loves me and wants to be with me...not so he can use me to get perm. residence. I'm trying to do things right and legal (which is why he isn't driving nor working).

Thanks.

I am not sure but I dont think that you could be held financially responsible for him till he attains some status. If you are concerned that it would be a binding or that it could be unheld in a family court; I personally dont think so. But you might want to consult an attorney also (however I can tell you that most attornies are peace of s*** and wont be able to tell you anything directly).

On the relationship front, my personal opinion only - get out of it. Its not too late now.

[Twomoles 8]

Its a story! I would like to help you, but really I cant think of any possible way I would read anywhere something. Government will want someone to be responsible for him, and not to be burdened, in case he adjust status and stays here.

Yet all I want to say is take your time, because if you have such doubts now, probably this is not good sign at all.

[reeses16 8]

Please do not stay with this man. He has already been abusive to you, and appears to be escalating-rapidly. It is not your responsibility to take ensure your abuser can stay in the US. Just think, this is how he treats you even when he knows he needs you for AOS. This will only get worse. Don't file the papers.

[Jashley820 0]

I agree- your happiness and physical/mental health is on the line. I think it is commendable that you're willing to give him another chance and you've entered counselling, but you have to trust your gut instinct/intuition. It will be difficult to leave him, but use your family and friends as support. They love and care about you and will do anything to help you escape this man, I'm sure.

Good luck.

Edited May 30, 2007 by Jashley820

[MaydayDas 1]

Sad story, with ups and downs.....Do not start the process if you are not sure about his or your true feelings. Do not let yourself under the pressure of his visa expiration. Maybe is good for him to go home and start from there the process, just to see if the love between you two is strong enough.

[Twomoles 8]

Not necessary that he needs you for something like AOS. This is about temper, you both come from different society, he might be different and you both cant find how to adjust.

Also, all this is so known, because for independent temperamental man, how you think not ability to drive, work, study, do anything to get self confidence, what is probably much more important in his culture, how him to show who he is? How is his everyday and look in future. What he does all day, is this anything he could feel as man?

I am independent, and even I sometimes lose my marbles because of this, and probably sometimes treat my husband in angers he didn't deserved. Its just really big stress.

[nane1104 146]

Please someone correct me if I am wrong, BUT:

As far as I understand, you can file for AOS for/with him and declare you sponsor him. Though I believe, if during the whole process (which will take several months anyway) something happens that makes you want to not sponsor him any longer, you can stop the AOS process, which would stop your responsibility as a sponsor. Plus, if you file for AOS an EAD, he will be able to work soon, gives him something to do other than getting at you.

Yea, that's what I would do if youreally want to give your marriage a shot....

After that there are two options: He stays in the US illegally (since then he is on overstay) or he goes back to his homecountry.

If he leaves the US, I'd definitley get a divorce before he leaves.

I understand you want him to become a LPR, but really, I think your pysical and mental health have priority over this. And yes, it kinda sounds like he found the perfect woman to marry just for the greencard.

Maybe read some topics in the forum for drastic changes in the family/relationship situation, there are many people with similar problems....

Good luck with everything!

Edited May 30, 2007 by nane1104

[Zee Bee 61]

Sorry you are in this situation but you need to save yourself first before you can even think of what is going to happen between the two of you in the future. You mention that you "think" he loves you and while he has resorted to abuse he hasn't "hit" you yet. What are you waiting for???????? Your gut says there is something wrong.

As Oprah says "When in doubt, don't".

[csoul 0]

I believe that this man only stay under some control because their legal status and because he needs you! You need to think first in yourself!! You must find a man that you love 100% and that make you happy with no doubts or fears. In my opinion is VERY Risky to sign the Affidavits of support.

Edited May 30, 2007 by gustahot

[Jashley820 0]

Please someone correct me if I am wrong, BUT:

As far as I understand, you can file for AOS for/with him and declare you sponsor him. Though I believe, if during the whole process (which will take several months anyway) something happens that makes you want to not sponsor him any longer, you can stop the AOS process, which would stop your responsibility as a sponsor. Plus, if you file for AOS an EAD, he will be able to work soon, gives him something to do other than getting at you.

Yea, that's what I would do if youreally want to give your marriage a shot....

After that there are two options: He stays in the US illegally (since then he is on overstay) or he goes back to his homecountry.

If he leaves the US, I'd definitley get a divorce before he leaves.

I understand you want him to become a LPR, but really, I think your pysical and mental health have priority over this. And yes, it kinda sounds like he found the perfect woman to marry just for the greencard.

Maybe read some topics in the forum for drastic changes in the family/relationship situation, there are many people with similar problems....

Good luck with everything!

I wouldn't even submit the AOS/Affidavit of support if you're unsure. It's not easy to stop the wheels from turning once the process is started. Once the LPR status is granted, you cannot sever ties from him financially. It's a contract between you and the Government. You can be summoned to court over it. It's not worth it. Don't even go there if you're not sure!!

[nane1104 146]

I agree, I just wanted to mention, that there is this possibility of doing that. A little risky, but others have done it before successfully.

[spiritgirl 0]

Thanks for the advice so far.... I have spoken with attornies also - and I'm still in the process. I'm wondering what legal alternatives there are for him to get a different kind of visa in his situation, where I won't have to sponsor him. Any ideas?

[Twomoles 8]

Very risky. He is your husband you will fill AOS for, and (maybe i am wrong), you will be responsible for him for I think 2 years after. And what if he dont give you divorce later. Especially if you have same mortgage together and joint account.

[cellarlily 0]

oof. DO NOT GO FURTHER. Why waste the money, the energy and the resources to sponsor someone who is already acting this way? You've been married a mere 2 months and he's acting like this? Not a good sign for the rest of your life.

Think of it this way...if you send off the AOS package for him and sign that you will be his sponsor...you're responsible for being his source of income. You are even more legally bonded to him and it will be very, very difficult to divorce.

Take a week away if you can. Really think about how life will be with him. Think of how long of a process it will be with someone who is abusive (hell, it's a long, stressful process with someone who is supportive and caring.) Think of how many hundreds, if not thousands of dollars will be spent to keep him.

Add it up. It doesn't sound like he's worth it. Count your loses and move on.