That's maven, Esq.! (pending moral character determination)

[TBoneTX 46,015]

A Prosecutor's Dream Case

 

A man's wife was arrested for shoplifting, and she was hauled before the small-town judge.  "What did you steal?" asked the judge.

 

"A can of plums," the woman answered embarrassedly.

 

"How many plums were in the can?" asked the judge.

 

"Six," responded the woman.

 

"In this case," said the judge, "I sentence you to six days in jail -- one for each plum."

 

The woman's husband then whispered urgently, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas!"
 

[TBoneTX 46,015]

   A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.  The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.  "Our research shows that, out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
    The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
    Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um... no."
    "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
    The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.  "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice continued, rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
    The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea..."
    "So," continued the lawyer, "if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to YOU?"

[TBoneTX 46,015]

   Old Abraham has died.  His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Abraham's Last Will and Testament.
   "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
    "To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar.  To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.  And to my brother-in-law Hymie, whom I promised to mention in my will: "Hello there, Hymie."

[TBoneTX 46,015]

The Devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I'll make you a partner in your firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of your three kids, and you agree to sell every one of your clients down the river."

 

"OK," said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"

[TBoneTX 46,015]

     A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.  After several weeks there, he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.  He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"
    The cowboy replied, "See them thar sheep up on that hill?  We jest go git us one."
    "That is disgusting and barbaric!" replied the lawyer.
    After three months, the lawyer couldn't stand it any longer.  He decided, though, that if he were going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right.  He picked out the prettiest sheep from the flock, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
    After he finished, he decided to take his newfound lover out for a drink.  He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.  The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned and stared in shocked disbelief.
    The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites.  You look at me as though I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along.  I'm just doing it with more class."
    "That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy.  "That's the Sheriff's gal you're with!"

[TBoneTX 46,015]

In court, one Texas Aggie lawyer said to the other:  "You're a fool!"

 

The other Aggie lawyer said, "YOU'RE a fool!"

 

The judge said, "In that the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?"
 

[TBoneTX 46,015]

What do lawyers use for birth control?

 * Their personalities.

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
 * A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
 * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
 * Not enough sand.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
 * If one side has one, the other side has to get one.  Once launched, they cannot be recalled.  When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled its latest stamps?
 * They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:  A man is innocent until proven broke.

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

 * He gets taller.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
 * Chelsea Clinton.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
 * It might be your bicycle.

  A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

  "It's $500 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
  "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
  "Yes," the lawyer replied.  "And what is your third question?"

 You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.  You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do?
  * Shoot the lawyer.  Twice.

Edited May 19, 2019 by TBoneTX

[TBoneTX 46,015]

       A penny-pinching old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to disprove the saying, "You can't take it with you."  After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.  He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.  He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.  His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
       Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean.  Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash, she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool -- I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement!"
 

[TBoneTX 46,015]

    A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:

  Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
  A. No, sir; but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

  Q. Officer, who provided this description?
  A. The officer who responded to the scene.

  Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
  A. Yes, sir; with my life.

  Q. With your life?  Let me ask you this, then, Officer: Do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
  A. Yes, sir; we do.

  Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
  A. Yes, sir; I do.

  Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
  A. Yes, sir.

  Q. Now why is it, Officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
  A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

[TBoneTX 46,015]

Somewhere in the Deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that's true," answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast-food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries -- is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"'Cause I was thinkin' -- maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with."

[Nature Boy 2.0 8,378]

Forgive me father for I have sinned.  I encouraged T Bone to tell a joke.

 

Please forgive me 

[Voice of Reason 10,298]

12 hours ago, Nature Boy 2.0 said:

All right folks in honor of  The MAV now being a real Lawyer.. ( lots of hard work getting up that hill Mav)

 

Lets roast her a bit.... Keep it in good taste

 

There is only one profession that is distrusted more than Layers and Politicians and guess what it is ??

 

Hint:::  Someone here may do it (at least for now)

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

There are actually TWO professions that fall into your category, one being a member of Congress. 

 

The other... well, thankfully, the truly good ones know when to quit!

 

(As for the last one, not all pitbull owners put lipstick on their dogs!)

[TBoneTX 46,015]

18 hours ago, Nature Boy 2.0 said:

Please forgive me

Only forgiveness is through the avenue of applying reputation points, one to each joke.

All or most or some or a few or a couple of them are excellent, of course.

[Voice of Reason 10,298]

1 hour ago, TBoneTX said:

Only forgiveness is through the avenue of applying reputation points, one to each joke.

All or most or some or a few or a couple of them are excellent, of course.

*SMH*

[millefleur 5,047]

 

P.S.: Cat is out of the bag....VJ now has a gif option...check in the upper right hand corner when you're making a post/reply.