i need to write get something of my chest..

[pumpkin spice 3]

hey guys .. so i don't know who to talk to about it and i really need some advice .

This isn't a Judgemental text or anything like that ..Im just trying to get better and don't wanna cause problems in my marriage 

bc i really sincerely love my husband , BUT lol and here is the BIG BUT ...he said something yesterday that really struck me and I'm so very hurt about 

this statement.

I have a friend visiting and we were all talking ,joking and around making silly jokes bla bla..

it started with an email i asked him about the adress of where he wants me to drive to , in order to ship our vehicle.

He turned around and said to my friend (also a immigrant ) that this is annoying bc since Im here i have all these questions 

and i need to do more stuff on my own bc its annoying to him .

My friend looked at me and agreed in his fav .

This statement struck me to the core and i was very very upset ,not only bC he said this infront of her also bc she agreed with him and 

his statement .I got here five month ago,

all he had to do was setting up my Tricare, bc HEALTH insurance is the most important to me and i couldn't do it by myslef bc he had so signed for it and i needed his SSN and DOD number ( so i had to ask ).

I gave him 5000$ so he can buy a jeep rubicon as a wedding gift and i know that he loves jeeps .

Im still waiting for my work permit and travel permit so( i can't work still.)

Maybe i am making rash judgments but my ego is so hurt .

I hate so say it but yes i gave everything up like so many of you bc of LOVE !!!

i think in a marriage there is no such thing as : i can't stand to help my significant other !!!!

when he is at work i cook , i clean ,i cut his hair ( im a barber ) .

soon we will be separated again bc he is PCS'ing and i can't go with him since Im still not green card holder (bc its also processing)

i want him to be as successful as possible in his career and i suck it up bc i know what i signed up for .

i don't complain but Im hurt ,bc he doesn't see of how much i down sized and how much i gave up.

 I was and i am aware of this 

but i don't trow it in is face or make him feel bad bc i love being his wife .

Since this Statement yesterday i kinda see him with different eyes and also my friend .

She is here for 7 years and i got here in jan 2019 , i don't wanna keep going on of WHAT i had in my home country 

but i always had a job , my own apartment, car ,my family, free health insurance and and and .

His mother told me that w.e it is i am always welcome and the door is always open ,well since he is leaving soon 

and i am not aloud to follow ( bc of the processing GC ) wich im sure many of you know

also means that i am not aloud to leave the US 

bc i came here with a one time visa entry .

He asked her if there would be a possibility for me to 

 stay with her and his step dad until i get my work permit or until we can be together again,

her answer was flat NO ,but she hopes the best for me and good luck im a strong woman i figure that out .

All these things are so energy absorbing and i am very sad about such behavior from all sides .

He is great he treats me good but i saw how he really feels about yesterday and she my one friend agrees with him ??!!!

After 5 month i filed for y work permit and i drive on my own ( wow) lol 

i am very limited currently bc i have only so many options but i really try my best ..

 

that said i wanna apologize for some spelling mistakes i try my best with english 

pls don't think that i am writing this bc i wanna bash some ppl on here ,its just that i am very hurt bc he only sees what he has to do and not what 

i sacrifice ,while on the other hand i am very supportive and always have his back .

thank you for listing everyone i hope my feelings will chance and maybe i really shouldn't ask him at all .

maybe i should do everything myself and just do me without involving him at all ( but this isn't a marriage in my opinion ) .

 

 

God bless you guys thank you !!!! 

Edited May 17, 2019 by pumpkin spice

[TBoneTX 45,841]

When I was insensitive, Mrs. T-B. had a frank, look-in-my-eyes talk with me about everything that she gave up (and gave up for me), and how big the personal adjustment was.

 

Sometimes we petitioners can lose sight of such things.  Look us in the eye and remind us.

[Ontarkie 14,369]

It's good to get it off your chest. I'm sorry his words hurt you. I would have broke down in tears. My husband said something to me one day in Walmart. I was holding a fussy baby. I no longer remember exactly what it was but it was along the lines that he was doing everything and I wasn't doing anything. If looks could kill he would have been dead on the spot. All the way home he kept apologizing. 

 

I really do think sometimes ppl just open their mouth and no not think and it is hard on the USC too. They may not have given everything up like we did but they are still adjusting to not being alone and having to share their life.

 

As for your friend I think her judgment is clouded by time. She's forgotten  how hard it is to adjust. She also just could have been agreeing with your husband to keep the piece.

 

Anyways big hugs 

[JFH 12,191]

It was certainly insensitive of him but I don’t think he is going this to be deliberately cruel. He had never been in our shoes, coming to a country and having to learn new ways of doing things, new names for things etc.

Now to play devil’s advocate....

One thing that did stand our for me in your post, and I hear this a lot from immigrants, is “I gave up x, y, and z for him/her”. We need to stop thinking like this. Someone said to me once “wow, you gave up a good job and a nice life in England for your husband? That’s incredible”. I say “no, I made changes for us as a couple. I did it for my happiness too. I wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me.” Remember that you gained from this move also. You gained the luxury of being with the person you love most (and who loves you most) every day of the year. 

 

Whilst I agree that many petitioners need to understand that things aren’t easy for us when we arrive (even those of us from English-speaking countries), at the same time we need to get over the “I gave up everything for you” guilt-trip and realise we had a choice in this and we chose to be happy. The alternative would be to stay in our own countries and just visit from time to time for the rest of our lives. Who would seriously be happy with that? 

[E & J 2018 132]

Yes, you should just have a talk with him and let him know how this hurt you.  It wasn't a very nice comment and needs to be addressed..... In time, you will be fine here and be more independent.... Until this time, it is normal and quite appropriate for you to rely on him during this adjustment period.

[Jessica Donahue 34]

I am so sorry to hear that this happened, and that you felt so unsupported and isolated. You are totally correct, you are in a new place with a new language and customs and processes, and it is your partner's responsibility to help you navigate all of it.

My partner has reminded me on more than one occasion that she is in a much greater position of precariousness than I, just given her migratory status, not to mention all of the other aspects of the process.  When I look at her sacrifices when compared to my own, it is clear that she has given up a lot and allowed herself to be vulnerable in a way that I haven't had to be. I have to constantly remind myself that she sacrificed a lot for us to be able to be together and to make sure that she knows I will support her through everything, all of the details and the emotions.

 

I feel very lucky that she could articulate her feelings and the complexity of her experience because it has helped me know how to be a better partner for her. Hopefully you will find a way to communicate yours to your partner.

 

Big hugs!

[Rosalind F 178]

I am so sorry for you! Glad you can get it off your chest and share it here where there are understanding people. 

 

I don't think your partner meant to hurt you; sometimes people say things while having no clue that it hurts to hear. And it is tough for non-immigrants to fully understand what do we compromise to be with the loved ones. 

 

My husband had said something before and (luckily) I don't even remember what it was, but it hurt me that moment, and I felt like I will always be a foreigner here, and I will never be viewed as people "from here" are viewed. But it goes away - with the help of lovely beautiful people here too!

 

Adaptation to a new culture takes time. As the paperwork is getting ready, you will get more freedom and independence. It's coming! It's a long run, be patient. I hope you will feel better soon and the process goes smoothly for you!

[Dashinka 24,706]

As a petitioner, in some ways, I understand his feelings.  Occasionally, I have had similar feelings, then I think about what my wife went through to come here, and how she had to adjust, so at least for me, the thoughts were just fleeting.  It is hard for both parties when dealing with relationships that include immigration, and sometimes either party can forget about those hurdles.

 

Good Luck!

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

3 hours ago, Bill & Katya said:

As a petitioner, in some ways, I understand his feelings.  Occasionally, I have had similar feelings, then I think about what my wife went through to come here, and how she had to adjust, so at least for me, the thoughts were just fleeting.  It is hard for both parties when dealing with relationships that include immigration, and sometimes either party can forget about those hurdles.

 

Good Luck!

Same here as well. But at least now my wife has at least come around asking to be kept in the know more about how to do things and where to do things. This way just in case something were to happen to me she would know what to do. 

[Going through 5,671]

I might be in the minority here, a bit...(I am/was the foreigner, btw)

 

Let me preface this by saying that I fully understand how his words may have seemed to you at the time (the comment about how he's annoyed that you're not doing more stuff on your own/relying on him).

 

You said he was leaving/PCS'ing...I assume that's something military-related where he'll be apart from you for a while?  Perhaps he was frustrated because he knows that soon he will not be around to guide you/help you with stuff...so he may feel helpless at that point because he won't be around, and knows you'll have to rely much on your own, so his frustration might have come from a base of apprehension about leaving you to your own devices.  And yes, the way he said it was insensitive---but I can also kinda see where he might be coming from, too.

 

The friend, well...I'll leave what I want to really say about her to myself.

Edited May 22, 2019 by Going through

[Carpe Vinum 2,330]

You should definitely talk to him about it. It is easy for the American citizen to lose sight of the sacrifices the beneficiaries make when they come here. A little off topic...My wife has been here for about two months. I try to get her to do things on her own so she won't be dependent on me. Starting with small things and working up. I can see that it makes her uncomfortable sometimes. She is from a small village in her country and never really travelled much within her own country. After meeting me she had to travel by herself to get documents and a passport as well as meeting me in larger cities. I can see her confidence growing.

Edited May 24, 2019 by boris64

[pumpkin spice 3]

Thank you so much for replaying and I feel a lot better now .. I wanna point out that i never * mention * this whole : I gave everything up Statement bc this is just what you do for love .

Like mentioned by another user , I’ve gained so much from this move bc I can finally be with him . 

I was very concerned when I posted this bc I didn’t wanted to be judged or misunderstood , my husband Is and always will be my fav person !!!! I think that’s why I was so hurt and heartbroken by this statement bc i felt like i am a pain for /to him . Thank you for being so supportive in this forum , big big thx to every single one of you ❤️❤️❤️

[TBoneTX 45,841]

OP has closed her account, so this thread is also now closed.