Do not Ignore Obvious Signs

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

3 minutes ago, missileman said:

One thing I learned in the world of Psych.......No one knows what is really inside the mind of another person........Psych is a very inexact area of medicine......

I agree and the intention of my posts here aren't to draw conclusions but to illuminate on a topic that many people misunderstand. People understandably fall back on more commonly known labels like cheater, pervert, liar, etc., when sometimes there's an underlying disorder such as addiction. None of this is to excuse the behavior of an addict. In fact, I would forewarn anyone about getting romantically involved with an addict who is not firmly on a course of recovery.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

 

2 hours ago, Jorgedig said:

Cheating is cheating when it comes to relationships, but when there is an immigration benefit involved, that is a game-changer.

But, why? Just because someone is an immigrant doesn't mean that they get less rights in terms of their romantic and sexual relationships.

[Boiler 45,519]

9 minutes ago, N-o-l-a said:

 

But, why? Just because someone is an immigrant doesn't mean that they get less rights in terms of their romantic and sexual relationships.

It does impact others, often motivations and multi factored and can cause complications.

[Ahmed&Freda 628]

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through... how awful! Don't be too hard on yourself and don't feel like you have to feel ashamed about it to your family.   I was married to a great guy who supported our family for many many years.  Twelve years into our marriage things got crazy...(I mean soap opera crazy).  He was someone I knew since 7th grade and trusted.  My mother wasn't too fond of him in the beginning but also fell in love with him.   It was extremely hard to break out of that marriage and what he has done tore my entire family(and his) up.

 

 All that to say you can end up in a bad situation with an American born man you knew most of your life.   There were red flags I saw in the beginning with him that I ignored because I saw great character.   It definitely soured my opinion on a lot of men but helped me to be wiser.  

 

Praying you'll continue to overcome this obstacle, It will make you a stronger person and you'll have a very happy ending!   So glad you figured things out now than after he arrived in USA!  ((HUGS))

[SalishSea 17,833]

50 minutes ago, N-o-l-a said:

 

But, why? Just because someone is an immigrant doesn't mean that they get less rights in terms of their romantic and sexual relationships.

I think you misunderstood me.  I wasn't referring to anyone's "rights."  

 

What I meant was that when a potential green card is part of a relationship where there is cheating, it often adds an element of complexity as the stakes might be "higher."

[Derik-Lina 230]

4 hours ago, bynx25 said:

Moroccans are high up there on the list of users, makes me sick tbh.

"Some"  

[nastra30 2,287]

@Bynx24 I'm glad this has made you stronger. Keep staying strong. 

[Mr. Data 26]

Sorry to hear you are going thorugh this OP. I admire your grit and positivity in the face of what must be a really gut-wrenching situation.

 

I think I'm lucky in that my situation with a foreign spouse was about as risk-free as they come. We met in her home country a lived there together for more than three years before making the move to the U.S. If she has been maintaining a secret boyfriend this whole time it will truly be the scam of the century.

[Highmystic 234]

8 hours ago, Bynx24 said:

Good question, I was one of those saying that it couldn't happen to me because I was this or that and we were real etc AND believe me, I have no advice tbh, the Oscar nominated type performance was so convincing that it didn't even cross my mind. As a left brained individual I was skeptical from the beginning, but as time progressed and we interacted and I experienced the feelings amongst us, I was convinced, these freaking con artists are so good, whoa, I mean good. Anything for the green card, next time around if there is one, I will stick with my good ole' American man !

Yes, Love is blind.  I recall a woman on 90 day fiance program, and he loved her soo much.  As soon as the wedding bells rang, he was on his phone with other women.,.  sad.  And Bynx24,  it is better you find out now, than down the road where you would have a lot of problems with this situation.   Stay strong, and do what you need to do! 

[Brittani 484]

I'm very sorry to hear this. I would be so distraught. I'm the american citizen in our relationship as well. I've always been scared of this happening but my husband has never given me any reason to believe it has or will. I think a lot of it was negative people telling me or making jokes he was only after a greencard.

 

I wish you the very best and I hope in the future you will find love and trust again. Like others said you seem very strong!

[Sav&Har 142]

12 hours ago, junkmart said:

And you haven't mentioned any concrete proof that he was using you just for a green card. Cheating alone doesn't equal fraud. 

I'd say BOTH, as be is aware of being unfaithful, while also KNOWING his fiancee/wife is petitioning to move to the States. I fail to see how is it not a fraud.

[ReadIcculus 103]

Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear this. But good on you for recognizing the red flags and not just going along pretending things are ok. ❤️

[Rocko20 159]

You can never truly predict the future actions of someone, with or without red flags. Some people change decades down the road inside of a marriage.  

 

Sorry Op, that you’re going through this. 

[R&OC 371]

Amber,

 

I was once in a relationship that made me unhappy. On the outside, nothing should have made me unhappy at all but inside, I had this weird feeling, this sense of something was off but I ignored it because I couldn't validate my feelings with concrete evidence.

 

But then it got crazy pretty fast and I had all the evidence in the world. While in the middle of it, I recall my friend asking me why I am still hesitant to get out of the relationship and she asked me one question: If you were in my position and talking to your daughter - what would you advise?

 

Oh my, my decisions and path became so clear all the sudden because as a parent, as family you want the best for your child or family member. No shame, no pride, no consideration for her reputation or his reputation should ever allow a future partner of my child to manipulate him or her (I have both boys and girls) to remain in a toxic, unhealthy relationship. In fact, I'd be more than happy to support wherever I can instead of seeing them struggle in a messy relationship.

 

What I am trying to say is that as a parent (at least for most parents), reputation doesn't matter when it comes to your child's happiness and mental health! No need to worry about what other people think. 

 

Secondly, as on outsider, I am proud how determined you are. You must feel shell shocked and surprised how everything fell apart in very little time. However, you clearly show you have awesome problem solving skills and you ought to be so proud of yourself.

Edited May 7, 2019 by R&OC

[Ash.1101 1,756]

11 hours ago, Highmystic said:

Yes, Love is blind.  I recall a woman on 90 day fiance program, and he loved her soo much.  As soon as the wedding bells rang, he was on his phone with other women.,.  sad.  And Bynx24,  it is better you find out now, than down the road where you would have a lot of problems with this situation.   Stay strong, and do what you need to do! 

 

 

Honestly this is why I stress to people about when they don’t understand why they aren’t approved for spousal or fiancé visa and they just keep saying “BUT I LOVE THEM, LET ME TELL YOU OUR GLORIOUS LOVE STORY”.

 

Everyone can have a cute love story, I did with my first husband who I was with for five years, the love story lasted about 6 months into the relationship, the next four years was me not knowing how to get out of it, trying to keep that fairy tale marriage, and fairly constantly being cheated on or him looking for other women online. And this was an American husband 😂