Private marriage for a same sex couple. Is it going to be a major issue?

[samesexcouple 0]

Hey guys, long story short. I'm a petitioner who legally entered the U.S. in 2008 and hasn't left since (10 years of continuous presence, not that it matters in my case). Met my husband in 2016 and we got married in 2018 in a private ceremony. Both of my parents are in my home country. Though they know (suspect) that I'm gay (I'm 30 now and have never had a girlfriend haha), they're not supportive of my "lifestyle". As the only child, I'm close to my parents, but when it comes to my sexual orientation, there's nothing that they can do to change it. I plan on disclosing it at a more appropriate time but it's unlikely that they'll fully come around before my interview this year. (I haven't been back for 10 years. If the first thing I tell them is that I married a guy, they would really get disappointed. Think about it.)

 

My husband is from a Catholic family, his parents are divorced. His mother knows he's gay but we're not sure how to tell his family about our marriage. 

 

My question is, are the private ceremony and the lack of knowledge from both of our parents a red flag? I think this is really a unique situation faced by many same sex couples. Being able to be who I am is one of the reason I stayed in the U.S after all these years before I met my husband. Other than these two things, we have a pretty normal marriage, with shared finances, almost daily outings (dinner together), etc. I don't think USCIS will call my parents about my marriage, but they may have suspicion on my husband's side. I'm certain the documents we have and the connection between us can pass the interview, but if our officer is fixated on this parents thing, I'm worried that we may run into trouble.

 

Just to be clear, both of us are "out" to the extent that we're comfortable with. Since I spent my 20s in the U.S., all of my friends here know, so do my old high school classmates back in my country. Coming out to friends / classmates is very different than coming out to one's parents. Coming out to parents is different than getting married to a same sex partner. (My parents still wanted me to marry a female and have a "normal" family with grandkids after they have slowly come around to the fact that I'm "probably" gay.)

 

Worse comes to worst, we'll let both of our parents know that we're married. It's our life. But we'd rather do it on our own schedule and not cause any havoc in our marriage.

 

Just asking for advices. Does anyone have any similar experience? I know being truthful is the best answer. Hopefully our explanation will convince our interviewer if our marriage is not disclosed to our parents by the time of the interview.

Edited April 27, 2019 by samesexcouple

[Roel 7,193]

As long as your marriage is legal, there is no issue st all. 

[Dashinka 24,831]

Agreed, if it is a legal marriage, you should be fine.

[nastra30 2,370]

Nope, parents not knowing is not an issue. At least in the US, marriage is a legal arrangement per govt rules and not family rules. I agree with others as long as it's done legally where it takes place, then it shouldn't pose any problems whether parents agree with it or not.

[Cryssiekins 976]

Agree with the above.  If the marriage ceremony was legal, you’ll be fine.

 

Also to note:  there are cases of hetero marriages where the families don’t necessarily agree with someone’s choice of partner.  Me, for example.  My parents love my husband, but my grandparents are a different story.  They do not like him, they do not like my choice to move here to be with him, and all because he’s the child of a one night stand so never knew his father, but their feelings don’t matter to me or the government.   Families are always complicated, the important thing is to focus on you and your husband. 

[JFH 12,191]

My husband has a felony on his record, has served time in prison, was a homeless drug addict for many years, is covered in tattoos and piercings and has hair longer than mine. My mother didn’t even meet him till we’d been married over 3 years and I’d been living here for 18 months. She doesn’t “approve” of him at all. So what? We are adults. We don’t need the approval or permission of our parents to do what we want to do. My husband is my choice. 

 

You say you entered legally. Did you remain in legal status the whole time? 

[rasaco 39]

I agree, shouldn't be a problem. Just focus on all of the evidence you do have. Your parents knowing is not a requirement.

[samesexcouple 0]

On 4/27/2019 at 5:05 AM, JFH said:

You say you entered legally. Did you remain in legal status the whole time? 

I fell out of status a few years ago.

 

 

And thanks everyone for your comments! Our marriage is legally recognized, that's never an issue. 

 

Does anyone know if USCIS would reach out to my family during the adjudication process after filing but before the interview or the family part would only be questioned during the interview? And if the interviewer is not convinced, they can seek more evidence from family members at that point?

Edited April 29, 2019 by samesexcouple

[laufine 55]

I'm from China and I can understand OP's concern.  Like other said the private marriage is not a problem at all. However, my suggestion is even both your family don't know you are married, you and your partner should know the family members. You should know the name of your partner's mother. And you should know they are divorced. Your partner should know OP's parent name and so on. Collect all the evidence and you are good to go. Good luck!

[junkmart 320]

On 4/27/2019 at 4:30 AM, samesexcouple said:

Hey guys, long story short. I'm a petitioner who legally entered the U.S. in 2008 and hasn't left since (10 years of continuous presence, not that it matters in my case). Met my husband in 2016 and we got married in 2018 in a private ceremony. Both of my parents are in my home country. Though they know (suspect) that I'm gay (I'm 30 now and have never had a girlfriend haha), they're not supportive of my "lifestyle". As the only child, I'm close to my parents, but when it comes to my sexual orientation, there's nothing that they can do to change it. I plan on disclosing it at a more appropriate time but it's unlikely that they'll fully come around before my interview this year. (I haven't been back for 10 years. If the first thing I tell them is that I married a guy, they would really get disappointed. Think about it.)

 

My husband is from a Catholic family, his parents are divorced. His mother knows he's gay but we're not sure how to tell his family about our marriage. 

 

My question is, are the private ceremony and the lack of knowledge from both of our parents a red flag? I think this is really a unique situation faced by many same sex couples. Being able to be who I am is one of the reason I stayed in the U.S after all these years before I met my husband. Other than these two things, we have a pretty normal marriage, with shared finances, almost daily outings (dinner together), etc. I don't think USCIS will call my parents about my marriage, but they may have suspicion on my husband's side. I'm certain the documents we have and the connection between us can pass the interview, but if our officer is fixated on this parents thing, I'm worried that we may run into trouble.

 

Just to be clear, both of us are "out" to the extent that we're comfortable with. Since I spent my 20s in the U.S., all of my friends here know, so do my old high school classmates back in my country. Coming out to friends / classmates is very different than coming out to one's parents. Coming out to parents is different than getting married to a same sex partner. (My parents still wanted me to marry a female and have a "normal" family with grandkids after they have slowly come around to the fact that I'm "probably" gay.)

 

Worse comes to worst, we'll let both of our parents know that we're married. It's our life. But we'd rather do it on our own schedule and not cause any havoc in our marriage.

 

Just asking for advices. Does anyone have any similar experience? I know being truthful is the best answer. Hopefully our explanation will convince our interviewer if our marriage is not disclosed to our parents by the time of the interview.

Your marriage and love life is no one's business but your own. You shouldn't have any issues with adjusting status or the interview. We are a same-sex couple, too. My husband's (beneficiary) parents are evangelical from Mexico, and haven't quite come around to being OK with gays or gay marriage. We got married without telling them. The day after the marriage, he told his mother and siblings. The siblings were very excited for us, but his mother just said she didn't want to talk about it, and not to tell the father. Even though my husband expected that response, it still bothers him a little bit. I highly doubt your parents will be called and asked about your marriage. Being truthful is always best practice with USCIS, government, etc., but as far as with your parents, that is your choice what you share with them, or should I say it is their choice (and loss) not to accept you and your husband. Best of luck!

[junkmart 320]

6 hours ago, laufine said:

I'm from China and I can understand OP's concern.  Like other said the private marriage is not a problem at all. However, my suggestion is even both your family don't know you are married, you and your partner should know the family members. You should know the name of your partner's mother. And you should know they are divorced. Your partner should know OP's parent name and so on. Collect all the evidence and you are good to go. Good luck!

This is good advice. It makes no difference that the unaccepting parents do not know about you, but you should still know their names and where they live, in case you are asked during the interview.

[AffableAndy 107]

I am also part of a same-sex couple. We didn't actually tell anyone we were getting married, other than my partner's twin; it was a rough time as his mother had passed away and his father is very distrustful about the institution of marriage in general (bit of a conspiracy theorist...). We also couldn't really afford to have a nice ceremony, so while we may have one later, we essentially both ducked out of work at lunch, got married, and went back.

 

While the family is very accepting now, when I submitted the paperwork I had no photos of the court ceremony itself, and did not feel the need to include any affidavits. We have not received an RFE or anything, so I think you will be absolutely fine. 

 

I am pretty certain that you could use friends/colleagues as references for USCIS. They will almost certainly have experience dealing with couples where relationships with the family are strained or difficult.

[TaKane 53]

On 4/27/2019 at 6:30 PM, samesexcouple said:

Hey guys, long story short. I'm a petitioner who legally entered the U.S. in 2008 and hasn't left since (10 years of continuous presence, not that it matters in my case). Met my husband in 2016 and we got married in 2018 in a private ceremony. Both of my parents are in my home country. Though they know (suspect) that I'm gay (I'm 30 now and have never had a girlfriend haha), they're not supportive of my "lifestyle". As the only child, I'm close to my parents, but when it comes to my sexual orientation, there's nothing that they can do to change it. I plan on disclosing it at a more appropriate time but it's unlikely that they'll fully come around before my interview this year. (I haven't been back for 10 years. If the first thing I tell them is that I married a guy, they would really get disappointed. Think about it.)

 

My husband is from a Catholic family, his parents are divorced. His mother knows he's gay but we're not sure how to tell his family about our marriage. 

 

My question is, are the private ceremony and the lack of knowledge from both of our parents a red flag? I think this is really a unique situation faced by many same sex couples. Being able to be who I am is one of the reason I stayed in the U.S after all these years before I met my husband. Other than these two things, we have a pretty normal marriage, with shared finances, almost daily outings (dinner together), etc. I don't think USCIS will call my parents about my marriage, but they may have suspicion on my husband's side. I'm certain the documents we have and the connection between us can pass the interview, but if our officer is fixated on this parents thing, I'm worried that we may run into trouble.

 

Just to be clear, both of us are "out" to the extent that we're comfortable with. Since I spent my 20s in the U.S., all of my friends here know, so do my old high school classmates back in my country. Coming out to friends / classmates is very different than coming out to one's parents. Coming out to parents is different than getting married to a same sex partner. (My parents still wanted me to marry a female and have a "normal" family with grandkids after they have slowly come around to the fact that I'm "probably" gay.)

 

Worse comes to worst, we'll let both of our parents know that we're married. It's our life. But we'd rather do it on our own schedule and not cause any havoc in our marriage.

 

Just asking for advices. Does anyone have any similar experience? I know being truthful is the best answer. Hopefully our explanation will convince our interviewer if our marriage is not disclosed to our parents by the time of the interview.

Totally understood your situation as we are on the same boat.

Has the interview happened yet? If so, how did it go? Best of luck.

[Just Paul 4,595]

52 minutes ago, TaKane said:

Totally understood your situation as we are on the same boat.

Has the interview happened yet? If so, how did it go? Best of luck.

They haven't been back since May 1, 2019.

 

USCIS and the consulate doesn't care how big or small a wedding is.  Ours had 2 witnesses.

[TaKane 53]

27 minutes ago, Paul & Mary said:

They haven't been back since May 1, 2019.

 

USCIS and the consulate doesn't care how big or small a wedding is.  Ours had 2 witnesses.

Oh I see.

 

Thanks for the comments and sharing of your experience. That puts us at ease a bit.