Living in different cities - how would it affect AOS?

[PeacefulHeart 0]

I arrived in the USA in February 2007 to be with my USC husband, who I have been married to for over a year. I have recently received a notice that my employment authorization card will be mailed to me shortly, but I am still waiting for some progress on my AOS application (have been for biometrics, sent in RFE info and the next step is probably notification of an AOS interview date).

I have been staying with my mother-in-law in another city for a few months because things have been very difficult between my husband and I. I only stayed with my husband for a few weeks after arriving in the USA. Those few weeks were terrible for me and I didn't know where to turn. My husband's feelings for me had changed while we were awaiting my K3 visa and I didn't realize the extent of the change in his feelings until I got here. My husband shouted at me a lot, threatened to withdraw his sponsorship, told me there was nothing to like about me, neglected me at home alone the majority of the time and criticized me and my family. By the time I left there, my self-esteem was in shreds.

When I was packing my bags for a women's shelter after the final straw, my husband arranged for his mother to fetch me instead. I have been reasonably happy at my mother-in-law's house and have recovered my self-esteem. My mother-in-law and I have been to my husband's city to visit him a number of times and he has been to my city to visit me a few times at his mother's house. My husband wants to try to work things out and for me to go back to him, but I see no real indications that things will be any different, just a lot of talk. He had told me he wanted a divorce during the few weeks I was staying with him, but now he first wants to try again and he also wants to support me with the AOS process no matter what happens between us.

I would be grateful for advice on any of the following points:

- in the AOS interview, would it send up red flags if they knew I was staying with my mother-in-law, instead of my husband?

- if I begin working in a different city from my husband, would the USCIS take that badly?

- what would my chances be if I wanted to start a VAWA petition, rather than return to my husband's home?

- do I need to return to my husband's home in order to be successful with my AOS application?

- if I return to my husband, is there any way I can ensure my safety from verbal and emotional abuse? I saw a therapist, who said he needs counseling, my husband agrees he needs it, but just never makes the effort to seek counseling.

- is there anything I can do to get money for food and other essentials from him while I'm at his mother's house? I have asked repeatedly but it's a battle for the smallest amount, even though I have given him thousands in the past when he needed it.

Thanks in advance.

Peaceful Heart

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I arrived in the USA in February 2007 to be with my USC husband, who I have been married to for over a year. I have recently received a notice that my employment authorization card will be mailed to me shortly, but I am still waiting for some progress on my AOS application (have been for biometrics, sent in RFE info and the next step is probably notification of an AOS interview date).

I have been staying with my mother-in-law in another city for a few months because things have been very difficult between my husband and I. I only stayed with my husband for a few weeks after arriving in the USA. Those few weeks were terrible for me and I didn't know where to turn. My husband's feelings for me had changed while we were awaiting my K3 visa and I didn't realize the extent of the change in his feelings until I got here. My husband shouted at me a lot, threatened to withdraw his sponsorship, told me there was nothing to like about me, neglected me at home alone the majority of the time and criticized me and my family. By the time I left there, my self-esteem was in shreds.

When I was packing my bags for a women's shelter after the final straw, my husband arranged for his mother to fetch me instead. I have been reasonably happy at my mother-in-law's house and have recovered my self-esteem. My mother-in-law and I have been to my husband's city to visit him a number of times and he has been to my city to visit me a few times at his mother's house. My husband wants to try to work things out and for me to go back to him, but I see no real indications that things will be any different, just a lot of talk. He had told me he wanted a divorce during the few weeks I was staying with him, but now he first wants to try again and he also wants to support me with the AOS process no matter what happens between us.

I would be grateful for advice on any of the following points:

- in the AOS interview, would it send up red flags if they knew I was staying with my mother-in-law, instead of my husband?

Possibly, if the mother-in-law's address is registered as your permanent address

- if I begin working in a different city from my husband, would the USCIS take that badly?

Possibly, if the above applies

- what would my chances be if I wanted to start a VAWA petition, rather than return to my husband's home?

One cannot say without knowing what evidence you have to prove that you are abused.

- do I need to return to my husband's home in order to be successful with my AOS application?

Not necessarily, if you have good evidence that you are a victim of abuse

- if I return to my husband, is there any way I can ensure my safety from verbal and emotional abuse? I saw a therapist, who said he needs counseling, my husband agrees he needs it, but just never makes the effort to seek counseling.

Perhaps the best way to ensure that is not to return until he is in some sort of counseling

- is there anything I can do to get money for food and other essentials from him while I'm at his mother's house? I have asked repeatedly but it's a battle for the smallest amount, even though I have given him thousands in the past when he needed it.

Will mother-in-law not provide you with the essentials for living? Can Mother ask her son on your behalf?

[Ngoc-Anh 1]

hmmm but have you think about the situation in a long-term manner?

How do you picture the future for your marriage?

Because to me it looks like sooner or later it will end up with divorce/separation.

So this is the impression of a third outside standing person, now you can imagine that this miss cross the officers mind as

well during the interview!

[titotomas 0]

It will most DEFINETLY send up "red flags" in a USCIS officer's mind. By your statement, you came here in February. Playing Devils' Advocate and looking at it from their point of view, since this is only May and you have lived with your mother in law 'for a few months', you "basically never lived with the 'husband' at all". They will not look at this as a valid marriage for that reason alone. My only suggestion (if you even WANT to remain in the U.S.); go to them BEFORE it is time, before you HAVE to. YOU go to THEM. Start a paper trail. Document what happened, and where, and how, and who was involved, and why you did what you did, etc, etc, etc. Maybe consult an immigration attorney (though I realize money is tight for you). Hate to sound so pessimistic, but I don't see this working out (though stranger things have happened). On the personal side of your troubles, abusers are chronic, and without help it would be rare for him to just change his ways, it is a frame of mind and won't go away on it's own.

Sorry for your troubles. Best of luck.

[PeacefulHeart 0]

Thank you for the replies.

I have considered the situation from a long-term perspective and realize that I can't live apart from my husband if I'm to have any chance of successfully adjusting status. I have researched the VAWA petition alternative since soon after I arrived in the USA, including following other people's VAWA cases, and from what I can tell, it is such a long process with not much chance of succeeding. Besides, the only evidence I have is the word of the therapist I saw and the word of the friends and family members who know about it. It is a pity that it isn't easier for women to petition under VAWA, because it seems unjust to me that certain immigrants who are in abusive relationships are forced to stay in them due to the high standard of proof needed (the standard is proof of extreme cruelty).

I did live with my husband for over 6 weeks and have been back on numerous occasions to spend a number of days there each time. This was with my mother-in-law present, perhaps in the hope that there wouldn't be as much friction if she was there. I saw, however, that things were just as bad when she was there, because he treats her the same way!

So the bottom line is that I'm going back. This is on condition that he goes for counseling to deal with anger issues. It is also on condition that he provides adequate food for me until I start earning an income. We will also go for joint counseling. Will the relationship end in divorce? I can't say at this point. It is likely, but I first want to try my very best to see if it can work and if it can't, I would at least like to reach a point where we could part as friends. I had a whole heap of expectations when I married him, thinking that he was the love of my life and that this was the marriage I had always dreamed of. When it turned out to be so different, I was grief-stricken but now I have reached a point where I can accept things the way the are, where I can do the best I can with the situation I'm in, and then perhaps reassess what I want for my life at a later stage.

Peaceful Heart