It is time for a DIVORCE...

[tiberonsuave 0]

I tend to agree with you. It is not his first marriage or divorce for that matter.

t

I thought he asked how to legally and technically get out of the situation he doesn't want to continue...

And a bunch of folks keep telling him how to save his marriage LOL.

Human nature is really interesting......

well, I think is only natural...if tomorrow I post "hey, I'm thinking about jumping off the roof, what do you guys think, should I do it with my hair down or in a pony tail?"... I'm preety sure people will address the jumping off the roof topic and not the hair style, even though that's not what I asked for

Saludos!,

Caro

Maybe it's that so many of us hate to see another marriage fall by the wayside. I don't suggest for one moment that a person stay in a marriage where there is unhappiness. I do think however that some marry before they've had time to get to know each other hence my suggestion that perhaps communication is lacking in the OP's marriage.

I'm sure the OP knows what to do and how to do it. If one doesn't want all this additional advice, one shouldn't post such things on a message board. JMHO.

[ivona 0]

Respectfully I have to disagree with this statement. Our marriage is very strong, almost one year later and we never lived together and our relationship is almost three years in the making, from the first meeting until we married. Of course I feel this depends strongly on the two people involved. For you and Jamal, that's what it took to find out that you're compatible with each other. For another couple that might not be the case. There are many on here that did not actively live together before marriage and their marriage is very strong. Another thing...just so anyone reading this knows...I am not saying one should NOT live together before marriage. That's a personal decision.

What I DO think the case is here with the OP and his bride...NO COMMUNICATION. Without good communication the relationship lacks a great deal despite how much you may love each other. I am certainly not going to advise the OP to stick in a marriage where they are both unhappy. I do think he's being a bit unfair with some of his comments about her personality but that's my opinion only. I feel the adjustment alone is a lot to deal with considering the cultural differences and no, I don't feel anyone forced her to come to the States. She came here of her own free will with the K1. Whatever the OP decides I wish them both the best. Still, I feel I am fortunate that my husband didn't come from a culture that is vastly different than my own as he hasn't felt the adjustment woes that I read about on here so much.

Of course, this is all just my humble opinion and should not be taken as the gospel truth.

In complete agreement Karen.... we are all individuals, and for each person as well as each couple different things will be considered as best course of action...

I also agree on the lack of communication part, it seems kind of funny to me when people start posting here how their other half "changed" after arrival.... it is not a matter of change, in my opinion, but the fact that you are now seeing parts of that person that for some reason you didn't see during the LDR- I'm not going into WHY....

To the OP: if you are sure about this, take the necessary steps with the USCIS to end the immigration process cleanly... I would say think about it hard first and talk to her about it as well because there have been couples here that went through divorce or separation, even people going back home only to decide that they want to get back together and at that point they had to go through the whole immigration process all over again....

To everyone else who posted in this thread: get off your f**** high horses, you do NOT know the "truth" behind all this, stop making judgements, stop assuming things.... this is someone's life, not another chance for a discussion on personal beliefs, morals and God.... jeez

Truth is a matter of perspective....always was, always will be

[archie07 0]

I don't think the wife showed up with a man at three in the morning. I think he was posing a hypothetical situation on himself and asking what if.

Bottom line is he has made his mind up and he is asking advice. We will probably never know "her" side of the story. As callous as it sounds it doesn't really matter when he is making his choices. HE is the one seeking advice and if they could work all this out amicably they wouldn't be getting a divorce.

Bottom line is she is holding all the trump cards.

t

No matter what anyone says he has made up his mind. They fact that they are not compatible is being overlooked by everyone. You guys must realize that its very hard to determain how things will be in a relationship if you've never lived with that person, let alone the same country. Couples move in with each other all the time only to find they cant adjust to the habits that the other had which only showed once they lived together. Why is everyone trying to promote an unhappy, unhealthy marriage just for the sake of it being an 'oath'. They are both young and deserve to find happiness else where if they cant find it in each other. And please stop saying that this girl has been taken from her country and abandonded. From some of the statements that have been written by OP shows that she is infact unhappy with relationship too and again I refer to the fact that she wants to stay in the states and doesnt want to return to her own country.

I have to agree here with this post. Also the fact this man is raising a ten year old child. I would be concerned with my childs safety as well. This wife came home at 3 am with a strange man, that's great for this child to see. It isnt come to america to party, it's come here to be with your loved one and evidentially that isnt happening because both parties refuse to work thier disagreements out.. I'd say at this point there is a tremendous amount of stress in this home and before this child suffers end this relationship and send her back home. Moving to miami with friends to party is not the answer. This was a 50-50 relationship so they either make it work or end it but in the meantime they both need to behave themselves for a sake of the child.

I reread his post, maybe it was hypothetical. Kind of feel bad though for the child to be caught up in the tension. Maybe if he could extend his patience a little longer , look at the relationship from a different perspective he may find she is a wonderful wife. Metta wrote an excellent post and she can be suffering from some culture shock. If his mind is made up guess he is in for another divorce . I hope they both find happiness.

[jundp 191]

I would not give up on a marriage after 5 months, then again I don't know your situation.

I don't believe either one of us at this point is looking to continue to make it work. This is not the first fight/argument. This is also not the typical 5 omnth marriage due to the fact that most international marriages start where the dating and living together phase usually starts here in America.

So, if our marriage was actually a 5 month relationship that maybe resulted in a rapid live together situation. Would people be as inclined to say work it out or would they say "Well maybe you should end it now."

I'm confused by this, though I pass no judgment on you. You will have to do what is right in your hearts. It seems though that you are saying it's not the typical marriage b/c many international marriages start this way...living together after all the forms are filed and visas are approved and then you get to live with your spouse. This is true to an extent. I know that by the time my SO gets to the US for good the longest we will have spent together at any one time is about 2 months...maybe 3 if we're lucky. However, we have spent this time communicating and getting to know each other even better than we thought before. It will be an adjustment when he moves here because everything will have been building up to that point....and then he'll be here and there will be no more waiting. That's when real life begins...

With the arguments and the problems, like any marriage. But isnt that what we've been working towards all this time?

My advice, knowing only one side of the story, is to give it some time and try to work it out. I know how hard it is to end a marriage, but I know that you can end up regretting it if you don't give it time or even try to work things out.

And as for her staying here without the marriage working out? Once you file for divorce, it's my understanding that she would have to return home.

[SqdnGuns 21]

I keep seeing "5 year is not a long time......."

How many here posting advice and opinions were with their SO for 5 months or less when they decided to marry?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Oh and by the way, how can she possibly stay somewhere else in the US without having you as a petitioner to get her green card? I ask this as you said you were waiting for the interview.

Well How? Easy... she packs her things up and heads to where ever... across the street or across the nation. She then lives here illegally like many others have been doing for years.

As for what I had said about waiting for the interview... I meant to say that so people would know what step in the process we are in. We are/were in the process of waiting for the interview date. At this point I will be sending in a form or letter stating I no longer want to continue the process.

Have you thought about taking her to a doctor and getting her medication and actually helping her with medicine ? she may be easily helped with anti depressansts. Its got to be terrifying to be dumped when she went through so much to get here.

[jamrok 0]

Such a sad situation.

[Cry_Tuff 0]

wow, I'm sorry to hear this...

Unfortunately, there are many people out there that are involved in a relationship just to get here to the US, and I'm sure there will be many more. There are just as many legit relationships as well.

I totally agree with you that you should not support her. And for her to want to leave Texas and go to Florida, says in my mind there's been an alterior motive all along. I would contact USCIS not to mention a lawyer, and ask them which route would be best for you to go. There's no sense in you being responsible for her if there's no relationship, let alone her planning on leaving the state. I would not just fork over the money either.

[Jason-Sasha 1]

I really feel for the OP in this situation, I was married before and was pretty duped. I am now in a relationship that I began with my Sasha over 2 years ago. Taking it much slower this time. Learned my lesson. Everyone needs sufficient time to get to know their mate. In my opinion! I'd just like to say that BabyBunny is perhaps the worst member I've ever seen on any forum. I cannot make quotes because my Windows shuts down for some reason. But this is what he/she/it said....

***removed per TOS***

God! Its no wonder your visa was DENIED! You're truly horrible and do not deserve to be in this great nation. Take some language lessons and go directly to ......well, don't pass GO

[Marnelco 0]

Hi there,

I'm married since 6 months too, my husband wants to divorce and to annul our marriage.. but I don't want because I still love him. He is not faithfull ...What can I do ? I'm very sad... (ps : I work, have my Driver Licence, my SSN and my AED, but still waiting for my green card...) Am I removable if my husband decides to divorce ? I sware, it's not a visa fraud... Just wanted to say that there are always too stories to listen...

[TinTin and Samby 11]

Well, it would seem others have addressed the USCIS issues at hand here, and you did initially say you wnated to look at it from all angles, so here is my input here - and don't worry, I won't get nasty or anything!

The issues you seem to be having are ones that would scare many, many people. That's normal - it really is. It's terribly frightening to find out that the person you've married has other facets than you knew - it's worrying because if you are the type of person who doesn't respond well to having the "goalposts changed" on them, you might feel like nothing is real, and that the woman you married is a fraud. However, it really doesn't have to be that black and white. Here's what I mean:

Getting to know people, like your mother, your father, any other close member of your family, takes a very, very long time. You are probably still finding out things about your parents that you didn't know before - and I'm sure that will continue as well. That is normal. People are complicated things, and when we get to know another person, we don't expect them to reel off all the bad and good things that have ever happened to them like a big essay - I'm sure you don't do that, and I know I don't! Often times, I don't tell people certain facts about myself, for example, because I worry that they will be "scared off" and won't know what to say to me (for example, I was very depressed throughout my teens, an episode that culminated in a complete nervous breakdown, a suicide attempt and subsequent counselling - I don't tell many people that!). Do you think that in the normal course of dating, she would tell you that she had a terrible experience that ended in her drinking gasoline after a fight with her aunt? I don't think that's normal dinner conversation - what do you think?

The question is this: and please, look beyond the fear you surely feel - do you love her? Do you love her, or are you looking for someone to love still - someone who will be "perfect" or "made to order"? I am most certinly not trying to be rude, so hopefully you didn't take it that way - but here's the thing: loving someone properly is very, very scary at times. People DO get mentally ill even years into a marriage. People get cancer as well; alcoholism returns and subsides; depression becomes apparant or flares up; people lose members of their families and become suicidal. The thing is, in a marriage, you have to be prepared, like a "grown up' (I wonder when we all grow up sometimes - I often feel like a kid still!) to work through the other's issues just like you would if the issues were inside you. That is scary - now you have two sets of issues, right? But there are bonuses as well.

Loving someone else unconditionally - and I mean unconditionally - takes some hard work sometimes. It does include bailing them out when they are feeling lost, taking barrages of abuse during depression or addiction, battling through chemo when they get cancer. BUT in return, in a mutually loving marriage, YOU get it all back. If you ever fall off the wagon (and believe me, it could happen!) you have a partner there who will support you. If you have a child born to you with diffulties, you ahve a support system, as does you wife. Thing is, you have to be ready to do all of that - there aren't half measures in a marriage. There never are - not if you want it to be happy.

So, are you ready to be a husband (I won't get into her part here - just know that I would say the same to you if you were a woman and a wife)? She is a lost woman right now - you've already said you know you were "mean" - so what are you going to do about it? I would seriously, seriously suggest a seperation and cooling off period for the "now" because you are much more likely to make a calm, informed decision when you really think about things in the light of day. I would after all, be a terribly sad thing if wrong decisions were made at this point. Could you forgive yourself if you made a mistake?

It's obviously completely up to you - good luck, whatever you choose to do.

I just wanted to send my compliments to you JayJay for such a nice, thoughtful, even tempered post. Clear sincere thoughts expressed in a way that allows the OP (and others) to digest the 'content' without immediately reacting negatively to the 'style' (and thereby missing the intent). We need more posts like this on VJ!

Warm Regards,

Samby

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Hi there,

I'm married since 6 months too, my husband wants to divorce and to annul our marriage.. but I don't want because I still love him. He is not faithfull ...What can I do ? I'm very sad... (ps : I work, have my Driver Licence, my SSN and my AED, but still waiting for my green card...) Am I removable if my husband decides to divorce ? I sware, it's not a visa fraud... Just wanted to say that there are always too stories to listen...

Yes, divorce at this stage in the immigration process can make it very difficult for you to remain in the USA. You need to consult with an immigration attorney as there might be success with a VAWA petition if his adultery can be substantiated with facts.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Such a sad situation.

I feel sorry for the the girl. If he really loved her at all he would get her anti depressants and take her and get her some help. if he loved her enough to bring her here, he should love her enough to help her get home. IMHO. wives are not puppies. you cannot drop them off at a shelter.