It is time for a DIVORCE...

[JamalNTam 1]

Why are some people acting like he forced her here?? It obviously cant be that bad for her if she is asking for money so she can relocate somewhere in the USA. It would be different if she wanted to go back to Colombia, but she doesnt. Nobody here really knows the situation and to jump down his throat saying he's an a$$hole is wrong. Yes, marriage is a big thing, but they are obviously not happy. I guess I was lucky in the respect that I have lived with my fiance and been in the same country as him for 2 years, in all honestly, I could not imagian marrying someone I have never lived with. This is a risk that many do take, but people should not be surprised that many do end in the big D.

[Colada 0]

In turn she feels I am (for lack of better words) a big meany. And I agree. My reactions to realizing the confident, independent woman that I love is really nothing than a co-dependent young girl have not been the nicest. Her entire life to this moment has been depending on family or friends taking care of her when ever her life encounters problems. She does not have the life skills to take care of herself without undue stress or other bad things happening as a result.

If she is codependent, she wouldn't be relying on you. She would be trying to control you instead. Unless she is a dependent person. How long did you know her before you marry her?

I agree with most ppl here that we only hear one side of the story. However, when I first experienced marital issue, I tried my best to work it out. Including finding info online or making appointment with therapist, etc. However, my husband (USC) just didn't want to work it out at all and then it became intolerable. It takes two to work it out.

Just my 2 cents.

[JayJay 4]

Well, it would seem others have addressed the USCIS issues at hand here, and you did initially say you wnated to look at it from all angles, so here is my input here - and don't worry, I won't get nasty or anything!

The issues you seem to be having are ones that would scare many, many people. That's normal - it really is. It's terribly frightening to find out that the person you've married has other facets than you knew - it's worrying because if you are the type of person who doesn't respond well to having the "goalposts changed" on them, you might feel like nothing is real, and that the woman you married is a fraud. However, it really doesn't have to be that black and white. Here's what I mean:

Getting to know people, like your mother, your father, any other close member of your family, takes a very, very long time. You are probably still finding out things about your parents that you didn't know before - and I'm sure that will continue as well. That is normal. People are complicated things, and when we get to know another person, we don't expect them to reel off all the bad and good things that have ever happened to them like a big essay - I'm sure you don't do that, and I know I don't! Often times, I don't tell people certain facts about myself, for example, because I worry that they will be "scared off" and won't know what to say to me (for example, I was very depressed throughout my teens, an episode that culminated in a complete nervous breakdown, a suicide attempt and subsequent counselling - I don't tell many people that!). Do you think that in the normal course of dating, she would tell you that she had a terrible experience that ended in her drinking gasoline after a fight with her aunt? I don't think that's normal dinner conversation - what do you think?

The question is this: and please, look beyond the fear you surely feel - do you love her? Do you love her, or are you looking for someone to love still - someone who will be "perfect" or "made to order"? I am most certinly not trying to be rude, so hopefully you didn't take it that way - but here's the thing: loving someone properly is very, very scary at times. People DO get mentally ill even years into a marriage. People get cancer as well; alcoholism returns and subsides; depression becomes apparant or flares up; people lose members of their families and become suicidal. The thing is, in a marriage, you have to be prepared, like a "grown up' (I wonder when we all grow up sometimes - I often feel like a kid still!) to work through the other's issues just like you would if the issues were inside you. That is scary - now you have two sets of issues, right? But there are bonuses as well.

Loving someone else unconditionally - and I mean unconditionally - takes some hard work sometimes. It does include bailing them out when they are feeling lost, taking barrages of abuse during depression or addiction, battling through chemo when they get cancer. BUT in return, in a mutually loving marriage, YOU get it all back. If you ever fall off the wagon (and believe me, it could happen!) you have a partner there who will support you. If you have a child born to you with diffulties, you ahve a support system, as does you wife. Thing is, you have to be ready to do all of that - there aren't half measures in a marriage. There never are - not if you want it to be happy.

So, are you ready to be a husband (I won't get into her part here - just know that I would say the same to you if you were a woman and a wife)? She is a lost woman right now - you've already said you know you were "mean" - so what are you going to do about it? I would seriously, seriously suggest a seperation and cooling off period for the "now" because you are much more likely to make a calm, informed decision when you really think about things in the light of day. I would after all, be a terribly sad thing if wrong decisions were made at this point. Could you forgive yourself if you made a mistake?

It's obviously completely up to you - good luck, whatever you choose to do. (F)

[Kathryn41 3,205]

words of wisdom, JayJay. I hope the OP will see their wisdom as well. It is always difficult when we face our own sense of disillusion about the person we thought we knew. Part of learning to love unconditionally, though, is recognizing that the illusions were our own regardless of how the other person may have contributed to them - and reaching deep enough inside of ourselves to accept our responsibility in the situation, letting go of making it the other person's fault that they aren't whom we expected or wanted them to be. Then we can start building anew from there - or deciding if it is worth rebuilding at all. Good luck.

[archie07 0]

Oh and by the way, how can she possibly stay somewhere else in the US without having you as a petitioner to get her green card? I ask this as you said you were waiting for the interview.

Well How? Easy... she packs her things up and heads to where ever... across the street or across the nation. She then lives here illegally like many others have been doing for years.

As for what I had said about waiting for the interview... I meant to say that so people would know what step in the process we are in. We are/were in the process of waiting for the interview date. At this point I will be sending in a form or letter stating I no longer want to continue the process.

At least no one through a match at her. Sounds as if she needs a little guidance. May I ask her age?

[FarahAmeerHumza 0]

You guys look beautiful together. Obviously you don't love her because you can give up so easily. My husband and I got married and 2 weeks later and for the rest our time living together we fought like cats and dogs. I sometimes feel like my marriage was a mistake and I did feel that I had taken a burden because I'm married and I'm stuck to him. I rehashed my thinking and I love him more than ever. Fighting and going through all the hard times is what makes a marriage valuable...meaning overcoming those hurdles together is a gift and that feeling is not even explainable. Now we are thousands of miles apart and I fill like I'm not complete. Please rethink, what you are doing. You brought her here only now to turn you back on her. That is so not fair. You knew of the big responsibility when you were sponsoring her. Doesn't mean that because things are a little rough between you that you just give up. You took an oath before GOD, to be there for her in sickness and in health unless you did not mean intially. I would never turn my back on my husband and we still fight even we far apart but I can't live without him because I took an oath to be with him and in the end all that matters is love and with that you can survive anything and its makes the marriage worth fighting for.

[JamalNTam 1]

No matter what anyone says he has made up his mind. They fact that they are not compatible is being overlooked by everyone. You guys must realize that its very hard to determain how things will be in a relationship if you've never lived with that person, let alone the same country. Couples move in with each other all the time only to find they cant adjust to the habits that the other had which only showed once they lived together. Why is everyone trying to promote an unhappy, unhealthy marriage just for the sake of it being an 'oath'. They are both young and deserve to find happiness else where if they cant find it in each other. And please stop saying that this girl has been taken from her country and abandonded. From some of the statements that have been written by OP shows that she is infact unhappy with relationship too and again I refer to the fact that she wants to stay in the states and doesnt want to return to her own country.

[HannahP 119]

As someone *with* mental illness, the OP and some of the responses to this thread make me kind of uncomfortable.

I've always been up front about my problems. When my boy told his family about my history of mental illness, they asked whether he "was sure" that he wanted to go out with me. We all bring baggage to a relationship; it just happens that I bring a little more than the usual person.

I like to think of myself as a strong, confident woman. However, like the OP's spouse, I don't respond well to stress. I've been hospitalized twice during the visa process. I definitely need extra support when things get rough.

However, the mental illness doesn't make me a "broken" person, y'know? Some of the comments -- "Oh, well, if she's MENTALLY ILL" make me...sad.

[archie07 0]

No matter what anyone says he has made up his mind. They fact that they are not compatible is being overlooked by everyone. You guys must realize that its very hard to determain how things will be in a relationship if you've never lived with that person, let alone the same country. Couples move in with each other all the time only to find they cant adjust to the habits that the other had which only showed once they lived together. Why is everyone trying to promote an unhappy, unhealthy marriage just for the sake of it being an 'oath'. They are both young and deserve to find happiness else where if they cant find it in each other. And please stop saying that this girl has been taken from her country and abandonded. From some of the statements that have been written by OP shows that she is infact unhappy with relationship too and again I refer to the fact that she wants to stay in the states and doesnt want to return to her own country.

I have to agree here with this post. Also the fact this man is raising a ten year old child. I would be concerned with my childs safety as well. This wife came home at 3 am with a strange man, that's great for this child to see. It isnt come to america to party, it's come here to be with your loved one and evidentially that isnt happening because both parties refuse to work thier disagreements out.. I'd say at this point there is a tremendous amount of stress in this home and before this child suffers end this relationship and send her back home. Moving to miami with friends to party is not the answer. This was a 50-50 relationship so they either make it work or end it but in the meantime they both need to behave themselves for a sake of the child.

[etripke 0]

Yes my wife and I are done. We both feel the other is not the person we fell in love with. Here are some bullet points of the situation.

- We live in Texas and have been married for 5 months.

- She is currently out of status and we have been waiting for the Green Card Interview.

- She does not want to return to her country so she plans on staying SOMEWHERE here in the U.S. Probably in Miami, FL.

- I will stop the immigration process and will not support her getting a green card. She came here with a Fiancee Visa.

- My son is staying with me for the summer with 6 more weeks to go in my 1 bedroom apartment.

The situation is not very pleasant. Her plan at the moment involves her living in my apartment during the divorce process which in Texas will last 2 months minnimum possibly 3 months. She has no job and at this point won't be contributing at all to the household. My main goal is for her to find somewhere else to live, if she does not want to go back to Colombia.

I have no problems in paying for her to go back to Colombia, but I do not want to just fork over $1,000, like she asked for so she can stay living here in Austin or fly to Miami. Though the price would be worth it if she would agree to leave the house soon.

Please offer me any advice or ways to look at this situation. I play the devil's advocate alot so if you want to speak on her behalf please do. I want to look at this at all angles. Thanks.

Five months is probably the peak of adjustment for a binational marriage.

I don't think there is any couple here on VJ who did not go through this preriod where adjustment goes all round:

1. two people two different personalities. Even if the couple were from the same neighborhood, this is a challenging task in and of itself. But binational marriages are compunded by other challenges, such as

2. overcoming culture shock and adjusting to the new culture, new environment and new life situation.

You don't need to go fqr to find people reporting post-arrival problems and many do not make it.

Some persoanlities are not adjustable, such as getting violent and abusive in which case there is no other option than to call it quits.

Though in my opinion, evenheated, angry words thrown at each other in moments of derision should not be taken too much to heart as emotional abuse.

What the sponsor needs- I say sponsor because after all, it is the sponsor's (his or her) home territory and he/she has the home advantage- to have during this phase(at least 1 to 2 years)is a lot of patience and forbearance and love.

It is a very challenging phase and often people report finding their partners totally different from what they knew before setting up house and living together for keeps :0. Of course, what else can you expect?

We all turn into different persons because now we are faced with the reality of actually living together, negotiating on every issue that touches us daily. Dealing with your partner's individual habits(especially the annoying ones), idiosyncracies, finances, friends, family, work. if you feel at times like giving all this up and going back to your previous life , then you're not alone. But often those feelings are momentary

as adjustment takes place slowly often (imperceptably) things get better and hopefully better and better.

I just want to say, if you are angry now, give it some time before you take precipitous actions. You yourself are adjusting to the new life situation and you may not really even know your mind in these times.

So, I suggest you reach down deep inside yourself to find that forbearance and patience.

Best,

metta

This is without a doubt some of the best advice I have read on this site. Thanks for sharing it.

[Anastassia 0]

I thought he asked how to legally and technically get out of the situation he doesn't want to continue...

And a bunch of folks keep telling him how to save his marriage LOL.

Human nature is really interesting......

[tiberonsuave 0]

I don't think the wife showed up with a man at three in the morning. I think he was posing a hypothetical situation on himself and asking what if.

Bottom line is he has made his mind up and he is asking advice. We will probably never know "her" side of the story. As callous as it sounds it doesn't really matter when he is making his choices. HE is the one seeking advice and if they could work all this out amicably they wouldn't be getting a divorce.

Bottom line is she is holding all the trump cards.

t

No matter what anyone says he has made up his mind. They fact that they are not compatible is being overlooked by everyone. You guys must realize that its very hard to determain how things will be in a relationship if you've never lived with that person, let alone the same country. Couples move in with each other all the time only to find they cant adjust to the habits that the other had which only showed once they lived together. Why is everyone trying to promote an unhappy, unhealthy marriage just for the sake of it being an 'oath'. They are both young and deserve to find happiness else where if they cant find it in each other. And please stop saying that this girl has been taken from her country and abandonded. From some of the statements that have been written by OP shows that she is infact unhappy with relationship too and again I refer to the fact that she wants to stay in the states and doesnt want to return to her own country.

I have to agree here with this post. Also the fact this man is raising a ten year old child. I would be concerned with my childs safety as well. This wife came home at 3 am with a strange man, that's great for this child to see. It isnt come to america to party, it's come here to be with your loved one and evidentially that isnt happening because both parties refuse to work thier disagreements out.. I'd say at this point there is a tremendous amount of stress in this home and before this child suffers end this relationship and send her back home. Moving to miami with friends to party is not the answer. This was a 50-50 relationship so they either make it work or end it but in the meantime they both need to behave themselves for a sake of the child.

[KarenCee 3]

No matter what anyone says he has made up his mind. They fact that they are not compatible is being overlooked by everyone. You guys must realize that its very hard to determain how things will be in a relationship if you've never lived with that person, let alone the same country. Couples move in with each other all the time only to find they cant adjust to the habits that the other had which only showed once they lived together. Why is everyone trying to promote an unhappy, unhealthy marriage just for the sake of it being an 'oath'. They are both young and deserve to find happiness else where if they cant find it in each other. And please stop saying that this girl has been taken from her country and abandonded. From some of the statements that have been written by OP shows that she is infact unhappy with relationship too and again I refer to the fact that she wants to stay in the states and doesnt want to return to her own country.

Respectfully I have to disagree with this statement. Our marriage is very strong, almost one year later and we never lived together and our relationship is almost three years in the making, from the first meeting until we married. Of course I feel this depends strongly on the two people involved. For you and Jamal, that's what it took to find out that you're compatible with each other. For another couple that might not be the case. There are many on here that did not actively live together before marriage and their marriage is very strong. Another thing...just so anyone reading this knows...I am not saying one should NOT live together before marriage. That's a personal decision.

What I DO think the case is here with the OP and his bride...NO COMMUNICATION. Without good communication the relationship lacks a great deal despite how much you may love each other. I am certainly not going to advise the OP to stick in a marriage where they are both unhappy. I do think he's being a bit unfair with some of his comments about her personality but that's my opinion only. I feel the adjustment alone is a lot to deal with considering the cultural differences and no, I don't feel anyone forced her to come to the States. She came here of her own free will with the K1. Whatever the OP decides I wish them both the best. Still, I feel I am fortunate that my husband didn't come from a culture that is vastly different than my own as he hasn't felt the adjustment woes that I read about on here so much.

Of course, this is all just my humble opinion and should not be taken as the gospel truth.

[JVKn'CVO 11]

I thought he asked how to legally and technically get out of the situation he doesn't want to continue...

And a bunch of folks keep telling him how to save his marriage LOL.

Human nature is really interesting......

well, I think is only natural...if tomorrow I post "hey, I'm thinking about jumping off the roof, what do you guys think, should I do it with my hair down or in a pony tail?"... I'm preety sure people will address the jumping off the roof topic and not the hair style, even though that's not what I asked for

Saludos!,

Caro

[KarenCee 3]

I thought he asked how to legally and technically get out of the situation he doesn't want to continue...

And a bunch of folks keep telling him how to save his marriage LOL.

Human nature is really interesting......

well, I think is only natural...if tomorrow I post "hey, I'm thinking about jumping off the roof, what do you guys think, should I do it with my hair down or in a pony tail?"... I'm preety sure people will address the jumping off the roof topic and not the hair style, even though that's not what I asked for

Saludos!,

Caro

Maybe it's that so many of us hate to see another marriage fall by the wayside. I don't suggest for one moment that a person stay in a marriage where there is unhappiness. I do think however that some marry before they've had time to get to know each other hence my suggestion that perhaps communication is lacking in the OP's marriage.

I'm sure the OP knows what to do and how to do it. If one doesn't want all this additional advice, one shouldn't post such things on a message board. JMHO.