A Broken Journey

[monnik 0]

I am so proud of you for calling your husband out on his law- and heart-breaking behavior. Good for you.

I wanted to say that I have experience with abusive men in 2 different types of situations. The first was physical and verbal abuse, and the second was emotional abuse - he lied, cheated, played with my emotions, etc. Both times it was very hard for me to walk away completely from the relationship. I kept going back time after time. I can only describe it as a guilt cycle and an addiction to drama and/or adrenaline. My family supported me both times, but they grew tired of pleading and reasoning with me. They always offered help and advice when I asked for it, though.

The hardest things for me were walking away from something that I felt I had invested time and energy into and stepping outside of my comfort zone with that person- which made me lonely. These were the main reasons I kept going back. Late night phone calls, secret meetings, and lying to my friends and family made me feel like a sneaky teenager again. All the while, I knew that it was wrong, but I continued to throw myself back into the fire. I wanted to change them. I even went to counselling from a priest with one of my exes. But, that didn't help him. I thought that I had all of the answers. He said he was sick and he was not able to show me love the way he wanted to. He wanted to change but he couldn't. He couldn't change by himself, and I thought I was the one that could change him or at least point him in the right direction. After that, I realized that it was all lies. I mean, a person can only do the exact opposite of what they promised you so many times before you realize that they were just words.

I wasn't married to either of them, so I can only imagine how complicated your situation is. Although we weren't married, we had properties in eachothers' names and we had bills, responsibilities, etc. that needed to be divided. And, I know the attachments to an abuser are much deeper than that, but our heads get so muddled with the details and the unravelling of what you spent so much time to put together, that even small things make you cringe when you think of the trouble you face when you decide to move on. That was another reason I kept going back. But, overall, it was the COMFORT I was longing for.

The only thing that helped me to move on with my life - both times- was distance and keeping myself busy. I stayed as far away as I could from them, and I had relapses believe me, but once I made my mind up to not contact him or see him in person, it was easier. I talked with my friends, and I made it a point not to discuss the future with them, because any decision I was gonna make could possibly upset my friends or family. So, we stuck to talking about my feelings and keeping busy with lunch dates and sleepovers. heheee

It sounds so cliche to say that you have to love yourself wholeheartedly before someone will love you back, but it's true. I would like to say that it's true, but it's not as simple as it sounds. And self-love is more than just acknowledging that you are a good person and that you are happy with yourself. It means respect. In the way you view yourself. I think this is what some people were talking about when they mentioned that you lose credibility with your loved ones if you go back and forth with your abuser. I went through years of telling myself "I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm damaged goods, I'm screwed up in the head, I lied to him before, so maybe I'm reaping what I sowed, It's simpler to just stay together, He only acts up every once in a while" There are millions of these cheap shots that we take at ourselves.

All of the things that we tell ourselves when we get depressed or down, they stick with us. And those thoughts and self put-downs are what get projected to the other people in our lives. This is the reason they continue to pound on us. Even if we are not aware of it.

Loving ourselves is not just a catchphrase or something we can simply state. We have to live it every day. We have to find reasons to want to be with ourselves, so we don't long to be with another. I am still struggling with this issue -on a much smaller scale-, and I think that it is the worst battle that abused women have to face. It' was harder than anything else for me. Realizing your TRUE value and your contribution to this world and to humanity will be the ultimate deciding factor to help you move away from ANYTHING in your life that causes you pain or strife. Once you know it and you live it every day, it will be IMPOSSIBLE to live with someone who abuses you. It will not feel right ever again. But, others CANNOT, i repeat CANNOT make this decision for you. So, the best thing is to focus on the strengths of you and your children. Those things will help you self-describe in a positive light.

Don't just talk about respect with your loved ones, DEMAND it and DELIVER it.

Don't dream about finding your best friend, BE your best friend.

Don't HESITATE- if you study long, you study wrong.

Don't JUDGE. Yourself or others.

Don't BLAME or accept the BLAME.

Do talk about your feelings with others. The more secretive you are, the more alliance you have with your abuser.

Do feel free to LOVE. Your heart is so much bigger than the hole your abuser put through it.

Do keep all contact to a minimum. It helps. I promise. Be cold if you can.

Again, you are brave and you should feel very proud of yourself.

[misslady 0]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your ordeal. I know you are hurting and feeling so much pain but do not waste your time beating yourself up for opening your heart and life out to someone who chose to throw it all away the very first time he hit you. I hope you find the strength to pick yourself up and move on from this horrible experience.

Take care,

ml

[Marry American 0]

Just a question VJ...since her husband was sent to jail...will he be made to leave the country (fiance asked)????

[noura 0]

Just a question VJ...since her husband was sent to jail...will he be made to leave the country (fiance asked)????

God, I hope so... but I don't know. If he actually has an AOS interview, the arrest will come up and hopefully AOS will be denied. If there is no interview, I'm not sure how things will work... heLL, I'm not sure of any of it, but I sure as heLL hope he gets sent back to Egypt.

[m&n 0]

I am SOOOOOO sorry that you had to go through this.

[~Jess~ 0]

ohhh sweeet heart! i am sooooo sorry you had to go thru this after all you went thru before to bring him here. you are such a strong woman and i feel you will get thru this, with time. take care of yourself. that is the most important thing. if you everrrrr need to talk to me(i went thru an abusive relationship, as did my mom-both with american men but men are men) pleaseee dont hesitate!!!

sending you HUGS and prayers!!!

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

I want to say this: Even though most of us know that what Jean's husband did to her was so bad, she does need time to adjust and get over the shock. Take your time, Jean. But be strong!

[pbgirl 1]

So sorry to read about what you have had to endure. Hope you continue to stay strong and use all the support around you.

Edited May 28, 2007 by pbgirl

[aj1 1]

You should be proud of yourself. it took alot of courage to do what you did really. I will pray for you that god gives you the strength to get through this, and that he may guide you the whole way through. Stay strong everything will work out in the end believe that.

AJ1

[Ban Hammer 13,445]

This is another type of visa tale. While most write their "happily ever after" stories and experiences here, I am writing another type of story. Consider it part of my healing. I am tired of hiding. I refuse to be a victim even though I still have some pretty weak moments where I go off and cry rivers of self pity.

Most of you know the story of our visa journey. I lived almost a year in Egypt with Mohammed. We were as happy as Egypt would allow us to be. Our relationship grew strong and tight. I was forced to leave Egypt and return to the USA to rebuild my life with nothing but the suitcase I was lugging behind me on the promise I would bring him here. He was in the same boat in Egypt. I worked through my heartbreak to begin building my life, finding a job, securing a job and a car and as much sanity as I could muster so I could get him here as soon as possible. I missed him terribly and we were both in pretty desperate situations.

A year and a half after I had to leave him crying in the airport, his visa was granted and he arrived in the USA. Three days later we were married. AOS was filed. We happily made our plans for the future. Unfortunately this is where my story takes a turn.

Mohammed started acting very strangely. He would crawl off alone and sulk. When I would finally get him to tell me what was wrong he would give me some fairytale scenario about my plans to dump him, or something else equally ridiculous and I would explain endlessly these things were his own manifestations and not true. These episodes got worse. I realized he was placing blame on me for his own fears and frustrations as he struggled to adjust. I talked myself blue. Some days he would relax and be himself. Most days his mood was foul and his temper horrible and I found myself becoming more and more nervous. That's when he started hitting me.

Five times I suffered through his bruisings, each time was worse then the time before. Each time I would find myself getting more and more angry as my bruises throbbed reminding me what I sacrificed for him and that it was not returned. Tuesday was the last straw. As I suffered his hammering fists he punched me in the chest as hard as he could, right exactly where my heart is. It knocked the breath out of me and as I got up off the floor I made a decision. I called the police.

They took him away in cuffs. My bruises were photographed by an uncaring female police officer and I was given a rather stern talking to by the paramedics and the first police officer that arrived. "He will do it again." Those are the words stuck in my darkest nightmares now.

He is in jail. I was assured he would be released the next day at the time of his arrest, my family all but forced me to file the restraining order to protect myself and still it was not my will to do it. The next morning I discovered he was placed on $3,000 bond. He did something stupid I'm sure. This is not "normal". I will face him in court in a week and I have no idea what to expect or even what to do. I am financially ruined. I have no way to bail him out.

All I know is I'm alone again. My body is covered in bruises and it still hurts to take a deep breath. My husband... my god I sent my husband to JAIL. The man I yearned for, longed for, cried for, fought for and waited for... is now in jail. I cannot find the proper words to explain even how that feels. Medication helps me live with myself. I don't know what to do now.

I really don't want advice. I've already heard it all. It all just makes an ugly smelly mud between my ears that keeps me awake at night. I would not wish this on anyone and my prayers are that all who are awaiting their reunions are blessed with happy and wonderful lives. Thank you for reading my words. As I said, this is my way of attempting to heal and bring sense to the chaos my life has become.

omg! my heart goes out to you for all of this.

and i have to agree with wom. (don't go getting a big ego now wom )

There can be no happy future with a man who will hurt you. The marriage has been destroyed, because the trust has been destroyed. No matter how sorry or ashamed that he may be, he has proved to you *without any question* that he WILL cross that line. He can never take away the fear and the doubts his abusive behavior has caused. And given the chance, he will hurt you again and again. Until you are injured very badly, even to the point of death. Or until you finally get the message that he doesn't love you and respect you, and you need to stay far away from this person.

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Jean,

I have been reading and rereading your post over and over again...I was shocked and I just couldn't believe that you are going thru this hell...I have been there and know how difficult it is to make sense of all that is taking place...One thing that I learned that a man who raises his hand on a woman is nothing more that a coward and most of the time just not worth the effort - that is my personal experience and I think that I have never given myself the time to heal...

I am so sorry that you are going thru this painful and devastating situation...My heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayer...

Please take care of yourself - you are an amazing woman and you have to be good to yourself...I hope that you will be able to come in terms with the reality of your situation and will take your time to make a decision...Be good to yourself and remember that we are here for you...

(((HUGS))))

[babybunny 2]

People I know that have gone through this experience or worse has had the support of family and friends until the very end!!!

if you have never been in this situation how can you comment on friends and family reactions?

just because, you know of someone dont mean that other 99% of the abused ladies/ girls dont get blown off by friends and family members. dont get support and respect confused.

when you returned to your attacker - your family does loose respect for you. because, they know you better! They know that you were not the person the attacker made you become! let me tell ya, my friends got upset with me, they also blew me off. when I made the choice to get out of the marriage they were there for me 100% They showed up with the police and that man was forever out of my life. they also involved me with things to keep my mind off the situation.

[ya falaha! 0]

This is true. Even if it's not abuse but something else like cheating, friends and family get tired of hearing the boo hoos and watching the loved one crawl back to their abuser. I can tell you from experience, it's extremely frustrating to deal with someone who doesn't love themselves enough to stop accepting abuse.

Family and friends lose respect for people who return to abusers, simple as that. They don't stop loving you, but they do stop helping you and saving you from an abuser if you choose to go back. The women here who have been in this situation can attest to that, and the millions more in this country for whom DV is a reality.

Wouldn't this arrest show up in security checks? One would hope that the gov't wouldn't allow an abuser to stay here.

Just a question VJ...since her husband was sent to jail...will he be made to leave the country (fiance asked)????

God, I hope so... but I don't know. If he actually has an AOS interview, the arrest will come up and hopefully AOS will be denied. If there is no interview, I'm not sure how things will work... heLL, I'm not sure of any of it, but I sure as heLL hope he gets sent back to Egypt.

[taurean 0]

Hugs and a lot of support coming your way from me. Your posting of this story took a lot of courage and it realy touched me. I am beyond sorry to hear about your situation. All I can do is pray for strength and healing for you. God Bless you Sis!!!

[eau_xplain 2]

I too am sorry to hear about your situation. I may not have interacted with you on here but I admire the courage that you have shown as you try to deal with your circumstances. I pray and hope that you will continue to be courageous as you face difficult decisions. .