Out of the Blue

[fcchief 1]

Got my fiance here in Dec 2018 from Japan although she is Filipina, having lived in Japan for 26 yrs and previously married to a Japanese (Divorced in 2004). I have known her since meeting in 2009 when there temporarily working. We dated off and on and finally on one of my 6 month visits in 2016 we decided that we both wanted to get married and she wanted to come to the US. After almost 2 yrs she finally got her K-1 visa. During this time I asked her time and time again if this what she wanted, she said yes, she loved me and yes she wanted to come to the states.  We got married on 31 Jan 2018. There has been a few bouts of homesickness but I have tried to make her feel at ease, getting Philippine tv stations, made an altar with Santo Nino, flowers etc,  we started a garden as she likes to do that. I introduced her to some of my friends, both male and female and they all really like her. I had just made an appt for her vaccination medical portion to be filled out by the doctor at the Naval Hospital nearby. Last night a friend of mine who plays in a band and I use to roadie for asked if I could help load some music gear for a gig (I quit when she arrived here), I asked her and she said yes go ahead. However when I came home she was aloof, and today has hardley spoken a word other than that she wants to go home. I asked her which home and she said Japan. I asked her why. She said that does not like it here. I tried to get some answers from her, even asking her if she still loved me, she said no.  She alluded to divorce, lets just do tomorrow (Sunday). She has on Japanese friend here and has not been to interested in meeting any Filipinos or others. I am at this point heartbroken and not really sure what to do. Ask about marriage counseling?  Just get a divorce and let her go back to Japan (she had a job on base for a vendor and lived in a very small place with an older Filipina) I asked what would happen if she could not get her job or a place to live, and she said that is my problem not yours. I do love her but really not sure where to turn or what to do right now.  I should mention she sleeps on the couch instead of the bedroom but I assumed that is because she would fall asleep to the tv like she did to her videos on  iPad back in Japan. She has been taking chantix to quit smoking but had evaluation done prior and she takes an anti anxiety medicine and sleep aid prescribed by her doctor here. I don't think that is the problem since she has been taking them for over a month now. Any recommendations, help, resources??

[Roel 7,192]

You can't force her to stay if she doesnt want to. 

 

You can try couples counseling of course. Maybe let her see a therapist to talk about her feelings. Did you file AOS for her yet? 

[fcchief 1]

Have not filed for AOS, we are suppose to have dr appt for her vaccinations on Tuesday, I thought about a therapist but she has hard time talking to strangers. Before she was prescribed Chantix we had to see a therapist to ensure the Chantix would not cause any depression/suicide. During that 30 minute session she had hard time understanding the doctor and I had to paraphrase everything. I love her but a divorce takes 90 days here in WA state. Not sure if she has to be present for finalization!

 

[Just Paul 4,595]

Don't submit the AOS.  I answered some of your questions about the I-864.  See if she will do some counseling.  Offer to help her back to Japan.  I had a friend in a similar situation and she went "home" for a few months then wanted to come back.  Realize that without the AP she won't be back without a spousal visa.

 

A divorce can be finalized without her there.  It is more of a pain in the ### but she will be happier.

[fcchief 1]

What is an AP?  And I appreciate your responses.  I am doing some prelim research on non-contested divorces here, I do know there is a 90 day cooling off period so to speak in WA state. I am going to try and give her some room and wait a couple days and see if she still feels the same.  Not sure why she would say she does not love me after all this time.

[TBoneTX 45,364]

AP in this instance is Advance Parole, a document that enables an Adjustment Applicant to be readmitted to the U.S. before possessing and presenting the actual green card.  AP can be applied for at the same time as AoS, at no extra charge.

[carmel34 3,638]

She's in a new country for the first time, this is a HUGE adjustment for some people.  She has no family or friends other than you.  You're probably at work all day and she can't work or travel outside the US until EAD/AP, which takes 6 months after you file AOS.  What does she do all day?  Watch TV?  It's a very tough situation even for an emotionally stable person.  She's taking Chantix, also anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills.  Chantix as you say can cause depression and sometimes it takes a few weeks for a new medication to show side effects.  All of this combined and she's not happy and wants to go home.

 

If you really love her, don't give up so quickly and file for a divorce on Monday morning.  Of course she is an adult and can do what she wants to, but I would suggest, given her fragile condition and three medications she is taking, to get another medical opinion about her medications if she is wiling.  Also try to go to a good marriage counselor together.  She needs professional help but she will have to be on board.

 

If she is determined to leave, even after you offer to help her in overcoming the depression, anxiety, homesickness, and the doubts she is having about your marriage, there's nothing you can do but offer to get her a plane ticket home and wish her well.  Would you be willing to move to Japan to live with her?

 

So sorry this has happened so suddenly, but based on your post she is clearly struggling on many levels and I hope you can help her to get through this.  Good luck.

[Chris Duffy 1,257]

14 hours ago, fcchief said:

Got my fiance here in Dec 2018 from Japan although she is Filipina, having lived in Japan for 26 yrs and previously married to a Japanese (Divorced in 2004). I have known her since meeting in 2009 when there temporarily working. We dated off and on and finally on one of my 6 month visits in 2016 we decided that we both wanted to get married and she wanted to come to the US. After almost 2 yrs she finally got her K-1 visa. During this time I asked her time and time again if this what she wanted, she said yes, she loved me and yes she wanted to come to the states.  We got married on 31 Jan 2018. There has been a few bouts of homesickness but I have tried to make her feel at ease, getting Philippine tv stations, made an altar with Santo Nino, flowers etc,  we started a garden as she likes to do that. I introduced her to some of my friends, both male and female and they all really like her. I had just made an appt for her vaccination medical portion to be filled out by the doctor at the Naval Hospital nearby. Last night a friend of mine who plays in a band and I use to roadie for asked if I could help load some music gear for a gig (I quit when she arrived here), I asked her and she said yes go ahead. However when I came home she was aloof, and today has hardley spoken a word other than that she wants to go home. I asked her which home and she said Japan. I asked her why. She said that does not like it here. I tried to get some answers from her, even asking her if she still loved me, she said no.  She alluded to divorce, lets just do tomorrow (Sunday). She has on Japanese friend here and has not been to interested in meeting any Filipinos or others. I am at this point heartbroken and not really sure what to do. Ask about marriage counseling?  Just get a divorce and let her go back to Japan (she had a job on base for a vendor and lived in a very small place with an older Filipina) I asked what would happen if she could not get her job or a place to live, and she said that is my problem not yours. I do love her but really not sure where to turn or what to do right now.  I should mention she sleeps on the couch instead of the bedroom but I assumed that is because she would fall asleep to the tv like she did to her videos on  iPad back in Japan. She has been taking chantix to quit smoking but had evaluation done prior and she takes an anti anxiety medicine and sleep aid prescribed by her doctor here. I don't think that is the problem since she has been taking them for over a month now. Any recommendations, help, resources??

Let her go back and move on with your life, She has something going on and more than likely related to a male she has met or known in the past.  Whether or not she will go home or to Japan or stay in the USA not the issue, she is wanting to break away.

 

 

[fcchief 1]

18 hours ago, carmel34 said:

She's in a new country for the first time, this is a HUGE adjustment for some people.  She has no family or friends other than you.  You're probably at work all day and she can't work or travel outside the US until EAD/AP, which takes 6 months after you file AOS.  What does she do all day?  Watch TV?  It's a very tough situation even for an emotionally stable person.  She's taking Chantix, also anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills.  Chantix as you say can cause depression and sometimes it takes a few weeks for a new medication to show side effects.  All of this combined and she's not happy and wants to go home.

 

If you really love her, don't give up so quickly and file for a divorce on Monday morning.  Of course she is an adult and can do what she wants to, but I would suggest, given her fragile condition and three medications she is taking, to get another medical opinion about her medications if she is wiling.  Also try to go to a good marriage counselor together.  She needs professional help but she will have to be on board.

 

If she is determined to leave, even after you offer to help her in overcoming the depression, anxiety, homesickness, and the doubts she is having about your marriage, there's nothing you can do but offer to get her a plane ticket home and wish her well.  Would you be willing to move to Japan to live with her?

 

So sorry this has happened so suddenly, but based on your post she is clearly struggling on many levels and I hope you can help her to get through this.  Good luck.

I will call her doctor tomorrow and see if I can find out if it is depression. She won't even talk to me today, just grunts and once I got up this morning she went to bed (she has been sleeping on the futon in the living room) she has not left the bedroom other than to go to the bathroom.  Either sleeping or looking at her phone.  I will try to get some answers tomorrow. If she does not snap out of this funk or is unwilling to talk, then will institute dissolution process, and then send her back to Japan.  In the upcoming weeks. I appreciate everyones input. After knowing her for 10yrs and dated off and on over those years, even living together for months at a time it is just mind numbing.  To say nothing of the heart.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

11 minutes ago, fcchief said:

I will call her doctor tomorrow and see if I can find out if it is depression. She won't even talk to me today, just grunts and once I got up this morning she went to bed (she has been sleeping on the futon in the living room) she has not left the bedroom other than to go to the bathroom.  Either sleeping or looking at her phone.  I will try to get some answers tomorrow. If she does not snap out of this funk or is unwilling to talk, then will institute dissolution process, and then send her back to Japan.  In the upcoming weeks. I appreciate everyones input. After knowing her for 10yrs and dated off and on over those years, even living together for months at a time it is just mind numbing.  To say nothing of the heart.

This is actually pretty common with Filipinas and it is called "Tampo". Just push through it and it will be fine. She is going through alot right now so just be there as the rock that she can steady herself against. 

[Just Paul 4,595]

48 minutes ago, Cyberfx1024 said:

Tampo

I'm lucky because Tampo here doesn't last more than 6 hours.

 

OP - if this hasn't past by monday, see if you can get her some medical or psychological help and access the situation.   

 

Sorry to hear the adjustment issues but they do happen.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

You said she has a Japanese friend here in the U.S.Are you sure she is planning to return to Japan or is she planning to go to her friend’shouse in the U.S?

 

Sleeping in the couch every night is a BIG red flag, and she said she doesn’t love you . What else do you need to hear from her to understand what she said ?

[fcchief 1]

5 hours ago, sandranj said:

You said she has a Japanese friend here in the U.S.Are you sure she is planning to return to Japan or is she planning to go to her friend’shouse in the U.S?

 

Sleeping in the couch every night is a BIG red flag, and she said she doesn’t love you . What else do you need to hear from her to understand what she said ?

She would take her sleep aid then watch tv falling asleep. When she was back in Japan she would commonly fall asleep watching movies on her iPad or when I was there would fall asleep watching tv, in Japan there was no couch so she would be in bed and fall asleep there. Her Japanese friend is 68 yrs old (she is 53) and happily married. 

[Mollie09 1,543]

Chantix is no joke with their side effects, btw. I haven't taken it, but someone close to me has described it as the worst medication he's ever taken. It was so bad he went back to smoking.

Edited March 25, 2019 by Mollie09

[geowrian 22,337]

8 minutes ago, Mollie09 said:

but someone close to me has described it as the worst medication he's ever taken.

Hold my beer