Family Relationship Issues

[shayden10 78]

Hello VJers, 

 

This is actually very off topic, but I don't know where else to go. My husband is an avid redditor so that forum is not an option... I immigrated on a K1 Visa two years ago, I am sending in my ROC paperwork in May. Life has been very good for my husband and I, we both have good jobs, in August we bought a house and a new car, we have four cats and we are talking about babies in the very distant (like 5 yrs) future. I love life here and I absolutely adore my husband, but there is a big issue and I am struggling to figure out what to do about it... 

 

My husband and I took a road trip to my Canadian hometown to visit my family (about an 11 hour drive) this past July. We had a great trip, I saw a ton of my family, we all had a good time swimming, eating, and drinking. BUT on our last night there, my husband and I got in an argument (they happen!), it wasn't an extremely bad one and after fighting for about 15 minutes he wanted to leave the house to cool off, which he usually does when we argue. My Mom saw that I was upset and got involved in the argument, she was screaming at my husband and physically tried to stop him from leaving the house, which included putting her hands around his throat (according to my husband). While everyone was screaming, my Dad panicked and called the police. My husband left the house before they arrived, he went for a walk and ended up at my Aunt's house. The police arrived and questioned me at my parents, then went to speak with him. They made a note about us getting in a domestic dispute, there were no charges against anyone. We were told to spend the night apart and not communicate, in the morning I was to pack the truck, pick him up, and we would head home. We did text a bit during the evening, mainly me apologizing multiple times and him saying he just wanted to leave me in Canada. I picked him up first thing in the morning and we headed home, we argued for the first hour or so and then talked it out. 

 

Fast forward to today: my husband and I are still great, our relationship is good and we love each other more than anything. My parents are planning a trip to visit soon to see our new house and bring some of my furniture, and my husband plans to leave the house and not see them at all while they are here. My husband feels betrayed, heartbroken, and has lost his trust in my parents. He saw them as his own parents because he never had strong parental figures in his life. He loved them and is so beyond hurt. We have had altercations in my family's house before (between my parents, with neighbours, etc) which have been much worse and never did my Mom lay a hand on anyone nor were the police called. My husband feels like my parents true colours came out and that they have always hated him, mainly because he took me away. 

 

I feel stuck, I want to support my husband in any way possible but it hurts to have to sever ties with my family more than I already have. I miss my hometown, I don't want our children to miss out on seeing where I grew up and having their Aunt, Grandparents, and the rest of my Canadian family. In addition, my Mom's health is poor and I worry that something will happen to her. I don't know how to continue to make my husband feel supported and like I am on his side,  while also trying mend the relationship between them enough that we can at least be apart of my family still. 

 

I am hoping that someone here has any type of advice to help me through this. Thank you for reading the long post, and thank you in advance for any replies. 

Sydney

[Lil bear 4,216]

You are not betraying your parents.. you have been forced to make the difficult choice between standing with your husband or standing with your parents. Your place is with your husband and children. Would it be possible to request that your parents postpone this trip in respect for you and your marraige. Hopefully with time , as your husband reflects on the experience , and perhaps with the help of a trustworthy counselor , he wilI be able to move past this place of betrayal. I would hope that your parents might also reflect on how their actions and imterventions place you in an untenable position and that they will seek out a way for the family to be together in a mutually supportive way. For the moment though, it seems that space from them is going to do less damage than forcing time together.  My daughter had to choose previously to leave her house when her MIL was there.. and her husband had to learn to stand up to his mother, protect his wife and family. It is not perfect now, but it is somewhat better .. at least the verbal abuse has moved to ignoring my daughter. 

[Ontarkie 14,225]

~~Inappropriate post removed.~~

 

 

Mod hat off

 

 

You both need counseling to help get past this, your husband especially. You need to stand by your husband, and he should not run away when your parents visit. His feelings are justified and it is his home too and  not feel like he needs to leave.

 

How long are they staying? Try to keep it short. They need to rebuild their trust with your husband. Short visits will make it easier.

Was there alcohol involved that night?  If so have a dry house. No drinking will help some. 

If you can convince your husband to stick around, make plans to keep him busy so he has a way out if he is too uncomfortable. This is different than him not being around at all. 

You will not be able to just sit back and watch and see. You need to take a very active role making sure things stay nice. 

 

If this was the only time they behaved so badly I would give them another chance. That doesn't mean your husband has to forgive and forget. Your parents behaviour is on them not you, but they are your parents and it is your job to make sure they treat your husband properly. The last thing you need is for them to treat your future kids the way they tread him, or destroy your marriage

 

Edited December 30, 2018 by Ontarkie

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

Has there been an apology? Did you intervene on your husband's behalf? He hasn't said they can't come, just that he won't be there, seems he is trying to compromise.

 

If my wife's family members had ever gotten physical with me, I would write them out of my life, he is a bigger man than I 

[Lemonslice 4,841]

Has your family always been that violent?  You might want to seek counseling, for your couple and then for each of you. You might think that violent arguments are normal, but they're are not.

 

 

Maybe have your parents delay their visit/not stay at your place until there's some reconciliation (if possible).

[Faizan Malik 0]

It's big issue just remember every relation is not perfect always we have to solve our own problem we just need to figure out how we can solve the issues.

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

As another poster, I wonder if your parents apologised to him?  It does sound like they vastly over reacted, and if they are now planning to stay in your home, I assume they are fine with him now?  It may be a cultural issue of sorts- you say there were fights in the family before, so they see it as less of a deal than he does.  Certainly, if someone called the police on me for no good reason, I wouldn't want them in my home either, not for a long time anyway and after they truly apologised.
 

[NikLR 13,227]

I grew up with people yelling and screaming.  We were rarely physical but I was spanked as a child and occasionally slapped as a teen (fully deserved IMHO.)  But fights, yelling, screaming, all of that was normal. But yet, if you think about it, that's not normal nor healthy.  I have a hard time having a disagreement with my husband without eventually yelling and to him, I may as well be slapping him if I'm yelling.  He grew up in a household that was tense, but there was no yelling or screaming.  In fact just a brief argument in a car ride with my husband, caused My FIL to state he wanted to turn around and just drive home, only a day after arriving at our home, after a 2 day drive.  He despises arguments and confrontation and like my own father, just runs away. 

 

So this argument sounds like it was intense enough that the police were called and you spent the night apart instead of working it out in the manner in which you usually do.  But perhaps, the manner in which you normally resolve issues, isn't healthy.  Just a thought.

 

I have learned to mediate and better control my emotions and reactions so they don't control me to the point where I react irrationally.  I am not always super successful but I try and that's what's matters.  I think some counselling that helps you and your husband relate to each other can go a long way right now.

 

edit:

Your parents need to apologize to your husband and I think you should enforce this with them before they come, or when they arrive.  Maybe they should take the initiative and stay in a hotel during their visit, after all your home is the home of your husband and you, not your parents.  I am not sure if you told your husband you are sorry your parents reacted in the manner they did.  

Edited December 31, 2018 by NikLR

[yuna628 9,676]

I would recommend some counseling for the two of you as well. Your parents seem to have been in the wrong here, and don't necessarily seem to have apologized to your husband either. So it's kind of understandable why your husband would not only feel as he does about them, but doesn't want to hang around them. How do your parents really feel about your husband and you marrying him?

 

Every family has it's difficulties and it's quirks. But there comes a time when as a couple starting a life together, you have to put your foot down and display boundaries. Your parents did something inappropriate.. did you tell them that? Some things can be mended... but some cannot, especially if no side is willing to apologize and correct bad behavior.

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

This made me so sad to read. While it's not either of our parents (which would definitely be much worse), I have a chunk of family on my side who has pretty much written me off because I married someone of a different race and from outside the US. It's so hard when your family and your husband/wife cannot be positively involved in one another's lives, but at the end of the day - your husband/wife and your kids (when they come) are your family. And it is not betraying your parents or anyone else if you stand up for your partner when your family intervenes in such a nasty way.

 

While none of us were there or saw the whole thing with our own eyes, based solely on what you've shared, it sounds like your parents were out of line in my opinion. Married couples have arguments and fights. I know my husband and I certainly have. We actually had a conversation along the lines of this topic once after resolving a disagreement we had at home. I'm REALLY close to my immediate family and tell them everything, so he asked if I'd mentioned to them about our fight. One thing I certainly to not divulge to anyone outside of my marriage? Our disagreements. Those are between my husband and I and there is no reason to involve anyone else. Your parents, your family, are ALWAYS going to instinctively defend you. No matter what. They may not even know the whole story or what was said/done, but it's in their nature to come to your defense. That's not their fault. What IS their fault is allowing their biased emotions determine what actions they took after inserting themselves, and that is not okay. Putting their hands on your husband was not okay. I'm sure that gravely escalated the issue, and is why it went the way it did. Your husband sounds a lot like me when it comes to handling confrontation/arguments - I have to walk away at some point and clear my head before I can come back and rationally discuss an issue. If someone followed me or put their hands on me to try and prevent me from walking away, I know I would not respond well to it.

 

That being said - you are in your every right to stand by your husband. If your parents have subconscious ill-will towards him for "taking you away", they need to deal with that. And not by behaving the way they did to your husband. And to you. It's just as disrespectful to you as it is to your husband for them to have done him that way. After dealing with my own family drama, I made it very clear to any and everyone in our life, including family - you can't respect me by disrespecting my husband. We are a team. So if you have a problem with him, you've got a problem with me.

 

I can't say for sure what you should do because I don't know your relationship with your parents. But if it were me, I would have conversation with them as their child. Not confrontational. But it's okay to let them know what's NOT okay with you. If they haven't apologized to him - they need to. If they haven't, and this thing hasn't been addressed, and they expect to come to your home - where your husband also lives and deserves to be - that's unfair to him. He shouldn't have to feel he needs to leave his own home.

 

I'd also suggest counseling for you and your husband. Honestly? I'd almost suggest counseling to any couple who goes through these immigration processes. It weighs on you and there's so many ripples of effect that come with it, from family, to career, to social lives. Even if you aren't having any obvious problems, it's still helpful to address anything that is there before it DOES become a problem. You and your husband seem to live a very happy, rich life together. And by rich, I mean emotionally and within your relationship. That is special, and you definitely don't want things like this seeping in and pooling up somewhere. It'll only overflow eventually if it's ignored.

 

I don't think this is impossible to overcome. But I know it's hard. Hang in there!