Ideas to make this train wreck less painful?

[Ash.1101 1,756]

3 hours ago, gregcrs2 said:

He sure does and those are self imposed problems.  Looking at the thread topic, I can't help but wonder who he was trying to make it less painful for...him or her.

I'd say for him. The OP basically stopped responding once everyone started realizing that maybe he's the one that dropped the ball way more than he thought based off of what he told us.

He's legit asking for what he should do, and not one of them was to sit down and talk to her to see what SHE wants. He still has control of the situation. For someone that feels guilt over knowing he didn't want to marry her, never telling her, and just letting her drop her life for him... he doesn't seem willing to just let HER choose as to what she wants to do. He came to a public forum asking strangers what options he should give her, instead of just talking to her about the possibilities. Something is very wrong with that and I'd worry for any other person he dates in the future.

I get that she doesn't really have many options, but I feel that she at least should have some input on ideas. Not just be told "Hey so I can't do this, it's not you it's me, here's a plane ticket and 2 months wages" or even better "Hey so I can't do this, it's not you it's me, I have some friends that speak your language and I know you don't know them because they're my friends, but they'll help you leave the country so I'll see ya when I see ya"

Edited December 4, 2018 by Ash.1101

[TBoneTX 45,329]

A post violating the site's Terms of Service has been removed, and administrative action has been applied.

[PirateLiker 11]

On 12/3/2018 at 4:32 AM, PaulMac said:

Okay, i'm gonna be as unbiased and truthful as i can, please bear with me.
Don't blame yourself. I marked the KEY point in your explanation. In my view, she knew what she signed up for when you told her about big changes and i assume you told her that you don't feel the same way anymore. Her giving up her career to come to US wasn't entirely YOUR fault. She did it, knowing that it MIGHT NOT work out, and took a blind gamble instead of waiting for some more time (having 6months to come into US). So i don't see how it's only your fault in any way. 
Further, i'd buy her tickets back to her country, and that's about it. You can give her pocket money to support herself once she goes back there. Meaning a taxi ride, some cash for food and necessities, if she needs more, buy her everything here. Clothes, etc. Let her stay, but give her a separate room until she departures.
She clearly knew that it's a risk at that point to move to USA, especially that you told her about it. I'm not implying for you to be a cold hearted and kick her out. But she has to be reasonable as well, as she was told the possibilities ahead of time.

Wow that sounds insensitive of me. I apologize if that does, i don't mean to, but i'm giving my opinion on the situation.
DO NOT get married. You will complicate your and her's life's even more than it is now. As heart breaking it is, you have to keep your head straight, and think clearly. 

I appreciate the pragmatic view. 

[PirateLiker 11]

On 12/3/2018 at 7:54 AM, CEE53147 said:

 

Do NOT remain in the same residence.  This can be a setup for VAWA filing. 

It's a good point and it's been mentioned to me by others. I don't see that happening, but I'm not clairvoyant, or even very smart. When I started this thread, I was ready to end it right then and had already told her. As suggested, if there was any hope of getting her job back, I wanted to make it so that she could keep that option open. She said there was no hope, a statement with which I disagreed. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to belabor the point. She was devastated by the news of my feelings. 

 

The next day I told her that if she wanted to stay and try, that we could do that. I said I didn't think there was a very good chance. She thought about it for a day and decided to give it a shot. So we are kind of playing house. I decided that if we split up after a couple of months, it will be harder than right now. But then I reasoned that when she looks back on this 5 years from now, it will be better if she has some memories of doing some fun things in the US.

 

She hooked up with some ex-pats today that showed her around a little, so that was cool. Things have been pleasant the last couple of days. 

[PirateLiker 11]

On 12/3/2018 at 8:11 AM, boris64 said:

She gave up her career and you gave up what? Some time and two months wages in her country which is chump change for most of us. Put yourself in her shoes...Anyway if she must go back do it quickly before the resentment sinks in...and it will...

OK and after I put myself in her shoes, do what? Give her more money? How much is enough? 

[PirateLiker 11]

On 12/3/2018 at 1:14 PM, afortunada said:

Well, this is the second time it's happened to you, so I'm going to go ahead and say you should do everything necessary to get that woman back to her home country and then stop making hasty decisions and maybe avoid relationships until you can work on whatever personal struggles you are dealing with. This isn't a game.

 

 

You are right

[PirateLiker 11]

On 12/3/2018 at 2:12 PM, gregcrs2 said:

Actually, having a list....seems like a control freak thing!

 

Probably so. I didn't start this thread to prove what a good guy I am. I made a big mistake (several in fact) and I'm trying not to make an even worse one. By the way, she finds the amount of money I have offered to be quite generous. 

[CEE53147 559]

There are many - men as well as women - who are willing to sell themselves quickly into a marriage in order to come to the US.  They take the risk willingly. I suspect if the US citizen were to state the intention to move to the foreign country, the relationship would end quickly with the potential partner on the prowl for another sponsor.

 

If a couple is really in love, where they live should not matter especially if the country is relatively safe. In fact, the areas many people are leaving are safer than US cities where immigrants are likely to settle.

 

So when I do not feel sorry for the termination of sponsorship or a breakup soon after the wedding, I figure both took a risk because each had something to gain. This is often true when two USCs marry as well but their breakups are less dramatic.

 

Many relationships are sincere and lasting ; unfortunately some are not.

 

Remember it is better to be single than married to the wrong person. Choose your life's partner well.

 

[moosy 139]

14 hours ago, PirateLiker said:

It's a good point and it's been mentioned to me by others. I don't see that happening, but I'm not clairvoyant, or even very smart. When I started this thread, I was ready to end it right then and had already told her. As suggested, if there was any hope of getting her job back, I wanted to make it so that she could keep that option open. She said there was no hope, a statement with which I disagreed. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to belabor the point. She was devastated by the news of my feelings. 

 

The next day I told her that if she wanted to stay and try, that we could do that. I said I didn't think there was a very good chance. She thought about it for a day and decided to give it a shot. So we are kind of playing house. I decided that if we split up after a couple of months, it will be harder than right now. But then I reasoned that when she looks back on this 5 years from now, it will be better if she has some memories of doing some fun things in the US.

 

She hooked up with some ex-pats today that showed her around a little, so that was cool. Things have been pleasant the last couple of days. 

I hope your notion of "hooking up" is not what the rest of the world knows as hooking up lol. 

 

Just end it right now. You know full well this isn't happening. She still has hope if she decided to stick around, so you have not explained it clearly enough.

 

I am sarcastically certain that she will have so many happy memories of the time she left everything and everyone behind and moved for a man who never wanted her in the first place but didn't bother making it clear enough.

[Ash.1101 1,756]

16 hours ago, PirateLiker said:

I decided that if we split up after a couple of months, it will be harder than right now. But then I reasoned that when she looks back on this 5 years from now, it will be better if she has some memories of doing some fun things in the US.

 

I couldn't even try to tell you that you are ready for any kind of relationship even if a gun was held to my head.

You did exactly what you did before she came. You went over a deal breaker list, she checked some off, you just dealt with it while internally disliking it. You don't tell her that you don't want to do this anymore.
Then you tell her your feelings (that you want to break up) and within 24 hours REOPEN the door for her to stay and try to make the relationship work if SHE wants to try.  Will it be her fault when she's hurt after a few months? "Well I told you I didn't think it would work!"

And then you're just going to chalk this up to experience? The purpose of the K-1 visa is NOT to see if ya'll work out together, the purpose of marriage is NOT to see if ya'll work out together and neither of them are NOT to have fun memories in the US.

No one thinks your a good guy at this point, and honestly at this rate I don't think anyone could believe you're trying to make lesser mistakes because you can't even commit to breaking up with her. You're not being honest with her and now you are stringing her a long.

Do you still plan on marrying her? If she stays past her 90 days she will be out of status, she HAS to apply for AOS after marriage to at least have limbo status or she can be deportable. The worst part is, is that if ya'll married and went for AOS, it would be the USC that's the scammer!

[RLA 323]

14 hours ago, CEE53147 said:

If a couple is really in love, where they live should not matter

This is, unfortunately, a widely held belief that leads to many a doomed relationship.  The truth is, loving somebody doesn't compel you to live with them.  And deciding against living with somebody doesn't mean you don't love them.  Love isn't all you need. It's but one necessary ingredient for a happy marriage. 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

So many things about this thread concerns me.

 

- The most obvious one. You admitted to knowing for upwards of 6 months that this might not be the person you want to marry, and you were not honest with her about that before she upended her ENTIRE. LIFE. to come here and marry you. Yes, she chose to come here just as much as you chose to have her come here. But she did it under false pretenses, courtesy of your absence of disclosure, and I'm sure if she had been told point blank that you didn't think, or even knew for sure, that you wanted to marry her, she may have thought twice about it.

 

I deal with a lot of guilt over knowing what all my husband gave up to come here. I thank him all the time and make sure he knows none of that sacrifice goes unnoticed, even though he's been here several months now. I cannot IMAGINE allowing him to do all of that unless I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was my person. I just don't understand that.

- Something I haven't noticed to be mentioned very much, but stuck out to me a lot. You asked friends of yours to deal with her, as far as getting her a place to stay and a flight home. Really? That is the most selfish, lazy, way to get out of dealing with this yourself, which is exactly what it sounds like by reading that. DEAL WITH IT YOURSELF. HELP HER GET A FLIGHT HOME YOURSELF. MAKE SURE SHE IS TAKEN CARE OF UNTIL SHE LEAVES....YOURSELFFFFF. Your friends didn't bring her here under false intentions. Your friends didn't screw her over. YOU did. Handle it.

- Now you're saying she's still here and you're "playing house"? Why? What purpose is this serving? Who is this helping? How does this resolve anything? So she stays and maxes out her visa allowance and...what? If you don't marry her, you're putting her at risk of being here illegally, and leaving will become way more stressful than it would be if she just left now.

You are toying with this woman and her LIFE. Her FUTURE. Her FEELINGS. No, we may not know the whole story and we don't know her - or you. But by everything shared here in this thread, you are ridiculous. If you don't love her and want to marry, stop wasting her time. Help her get home. COMPENSATE HER. "How much is enough", you ask? AS MUCH AS IT TAKES. Jesus.

[Going through 5,671]

@PirateLiker is she still in the USA, or has she gone home by now?  I'm hoping she has left if you two didn't work it out---prolonging her departure would have just made it all the more harder on both of you.

[TBoneTX 45,329]

As with the parallel thread on this topic, this thread is locked and is not to be reopened or referred to elsewhere.