Ideas to make this train wreck less painful?

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

15 minutes ago, ineedadisplayname said:

Ahhh I was reading his previous posts only now. Didn't know she was Ukranian when I wrote my comment. Yeah unfortunately in Ukrain it's very unlikely to get $2000 a month..... Sorry about that. I think I just got triggered because a lot of people around here thinks that if you are from Eastern Europe it means that you never had a cell phone, or laptop or central heating and stuff like that and you are coming from the medieval times.

Sorry, I was a little defensive, too. I have great empathy for the people I know in Ukraine. They work very hard to get by...It is hard for them to see a positive future for themselves...

[gregcrs2 1,778]

13 minutes ago, ineedadisplayname said:

Ahhh I was reading his previous posts only now. Didn't know she was Ukranian when I wrote my comment. Yeah unfortunately in Ukrain it's very unlikely to get $2000 a month..... Sorry about that. I think I just got triggered because a lot of people around here thinks that if you are from Eastern Europe it means that you never had a cell phone, or laptop or central heating and stuff like that and you are coming from the medieval times.

There are vast differences in salaries in Ukraine and the top end is much higher than $2000 a month for those working for an international company.  

[DPP123 409]

I would be interested in seeing the list!

[ineedadisplayname 499]

12 minutes ago, gregcrs2 said:

There are vast differences in salaries in Ukraine and the top end is much higher than $2000 a month for those working for an international company.  

Yeah I know. Same in Romania. The differences are HUGE. We don't know what is her profession so she could have made $2000+ before coming here...

 

 

[moosy 139]

Wow. I am trying to imagine what I would do if my USC spouse decided not to marry me but to let me come over anyway. 

I left a great job, the move cost me 3000 dollars (movers, packers, transport), I bought a new secondhand car when coming into the country (6500 dollars) and had to sell my old car (2000 dollars back), I sold all my furniture and most of my possessions, I had to give up my rental apartment that was very hard to find for such a good price.

 

If I would have to go back within two weeks, I would still have to buy a new secondhand car again (and you never get back the amount you spent in the first place), I would have to look for another rental place that would very likely set me back more than it did, I would have to find a new job, I would have to move AGAIN (another 2000 dollars; I am assuming it would cost less for only transportation of already packaged goods by them), I would have to buy new furniture (even secondhand that will easily set you back 1000 US dollars if you are one of those people that actually needs a bed and a couch),  buy all the possessions again that I sold but needed (cooking utensils, cookware, desk, chairs, printer, pc, ...).

Then think of the initial food and stuff you need when you move into a new place (easily 250 dollars that first trip where you need laundry detergent and staples and cans and paper and pens etc, if not more).

 

Then in addition to that, you have the plane ticket.

 

I calculated everything in US dollars, so I am assuming you can do the math to Ukrain currency.

 

And on top of that financial mess, you have the excruciating heartbreak (letting her come in only gave her hope that you loved her after all), and don't forget the utter embarrassment.

 

I think assuming that you're wiping this out with two months of her wages, is absurd.

Note that an apartment person usually requests 2 to 3 months rent in an account as a deposit alone. So that alone might be almost two months of her wages.

 

I get that this is hard for you too, but eff it, dude. You had to tell her clearly that it was over. This is insane, the financial and emotional you are putting her through now due to "cold feet" whatever that means. If you had doubts, you should never had let her come. You know this, as you were already googling prenups before she even came over. You would have had PLENTY of time to stop her.

 

I would definitely need MUCH more money than just the ticket and two months wages (despite having had an excellent paying job and a low rent) to survive the first few months financially.

And then the utter heartbreak and shame.

 

This is insane.

[R&OC 371]

Well, I recall the earlier discussion.

 

You tried. Don't blame yourself BUT despite what others have said - she is returning to her home country with NOTHING. She has to start from scratch and I would find it rather unfair and unjust, if she had to bear the brunt of it. Good jobs are not that easy to come by and its a kind gesture to help her out for two months. Her wages are probably considerably lower than the average US wages and I found find it unfair if she had to fend for herself all alone. 

 

Just imagine everyone how you would feel if you'd be in her position?

 

If you guys were already married, you would both have a responsibility for each other as well. In good days and in bad times. If this is to be the break-up and she came all the way to give it a try despite all your issues before - I honestly believe you both have a responsibility to make this as easy as possible for each other. And that means that there has to be some sort of a package for her to get back on her feet. If you feel she is milking you, then (and only then in my opinion) would I cut financial ties.

 

Thats what I would do if I were you. 

[DPP123 409]

29 minutes ago, moosy said:

Wow. I am trying to imagine what I would do if my USC spouse decided not to marry me but to let me come over anyway. 

I left a great job, the move cost me 3000 dollars (movers, packers, transport), I bought a new secondhand car when coming into the country (6500 dollars) and had to sell my old car (2000 dollars back), I sold all my furniture and most of my possessions, I had to give up my rental apartment that was very hard to find for such a good price.

 

If I would have to go back within two weeks, I would still have to buy a new secondhand car again (and you never get back the amount you spent in the first place), I would have to look for another rental place that would very likely set me back more than it did, I would have to find a new job, I would have to move AGAIN (another 2000 dollars; I am assuming it would cost less for only transportation of already packaged goods by them), I would have to buy new furniture (even secondhand that will easily set you back 1000 US dollars if you are one of those people that actually needs a bed and a couch),  buy all the possessions again that I sold but needed (cooking utensils, cookware, desk, chairs, printer, pc, ...).

Then think of the initial food and stuff you need when you move into a new place (easily 250 dollars that first trip where you need laundry detergent and staples and cans and paper and pens etc, if not more).

 

Then in addition to that, you have the plane ticket.

 

I calculated everything in US dollars, so I am assuming you can do the math to Ukrain currency.

 

And on top of that financial mess, you have the excruciating heartbreak (letting her come in only gave her hope that you loved her after all), and don't forget the utter embarrassment.

 

I think assuming that you're wiping this out with two months of her wages, is absurd.

Note that an apartment person usually requests 2 to 3 months rent in an account as a deposit alone. So that alone might be almost two months of her wages.

 

I get that this is hard for you too, but eff it, dude. You had to tell her clearly that it was over. This is insane, the financial and emotional you are putting her through now due to "cold feet" whatever that means. If you had doubts, you should never had let her come. You know this, as you were already googling prenups before she even came over. You would have had PLENTY of time to stop her.

 

I would definitely need MUCH more money than just the ticket and two months wages (despite having had an excellent paying job and a low rent) to survive the first few months financially.

And then the utter heartbreak and shame.

 

This is insane.

Very well said.  If i was having cold feel during the K1 Process i would have immediately told my now husband.  He left EVERYTHING for me.  His car, motorcycle, RV, apartment, job, friends, family, hobbies.  I knew marriage wasn't easy but I also knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with when I first mailed that k1 package.  

[Ksenia_O 696]

2 hours ago, boris64 said:

I have spent much time in Ukraine. I know how much the average Ukrainian makes and how they live. I doubt she gave up a 2k a month job (which would put her in the top percentiles of wage earners there) to live with this guy...

misreading. never mind

Edited December 3, 2018 by Ksenia_O

[Ash.1101 1,756]

I have to agree with the person who said that honestly the fiancé is more impacted than the OP.

 

like sure it sucks that the OP feels guilt, but the fiancé uprooted her life as a lot of us did for our loved ones. Imagine coming here only to be told that the guy didn’t have the balls to say that after having multiple deal breakers and not really feeling the relationship that he’s just done.

 

This isn’t just heart break, her life was uprooted. Now she has to salvage her life and her heart because there couldn’t be a real adult conversation about feelings and where they stand.

 

i feel bad for her 100%. At first I wasn’t on the boat of he should pay her something, because I was thinking “well she chose this too!” But after realizing how much she lost because she did what she thought was the right thing, I’m going to have to say he should help her out just not to be a jerk.

 

reading the thread makes me wonder how passive the OP is and if those talks they had before coming here was more her taking and him agreeing or him just going with it because it was easier.

 

esit: sorry for any typos I’m on my phone lol

Edited December 3, 2018 by Ash.1101

[EM_Vandaveer 2,408]

2 hours ago, RLA said:

It wasn't ONLY his fault, but partly.  That's why he doesn't need to pay ALL her expenses, lost income, and whatnot.  But he does owe her some help to get back on her feet.  For example what he proposed: ticket plus 2 months allowance.  

 

Apart from what he might or might not owe her (in a moral sense), if he'd only be willing to pay her ticket but nothing else she'd be returning home, but jobless, homeless, and penniless.  With that prospect she might be tempted to try VAWA or to just go underground here.  His being a little more generous will help to make sure that she does return home.  

Once again: without the two of them getting married VAWA isn't an option.

[afortunada 182]

Well, this is the second time it's happened to you, so I'm going to go ahead and say you should do everything necessary to get that woman back to her home country and then stop making hasty decisions and maybe avoid relationships until you can work on whatever personal struggles you are dealing with. This isn't a game.

 

 

[ineedadisplayname 499]

17 hours ago, PirateLiker said:

(I choose not to share the list, but if I did I think most people would see the folly in moving forward, on both our parts).

I really would like to see that list after seeing all your topics...

[Ksenia_O 696]

3 minutes ago, EM_Vandaveer said:

Once again: without the two of them getting married VAWA isn't an option.

Honestly, I'm having troubles to understand why VAWA has even been brought up - I went through OP's threads/posts and it looks like it is more about personal/relationship issue. But not that he got cold feet because he suspected his Fiancee in getting married him  for a green card or something...

 

Besides.. Well, it's probably hard to understand, but reality is  -  if someone wants to move out of Ukraine,  it is so much easier to do so, going to another, better developed  European country. Closer, habitual environment, a lot of common in History, in some countries it would be no language issue,  almost every Ukrainian has at least one family member "here or there" or a friend (s) so if things go wrong, some support could be provided and etc.  

No need, really, to cross the ocean and  put yourself in a relationship with a "restriction/demands list" or  go through VAWA., being absolutely   lonely in a completely different World.

 

OP,  probably,  there will be no answer from you why you even  let her arrival happen since  you already  had fears about filing I-864 BEFORE she even put her feet on the US soil... 

[Ksenia_O 696]

26 minutes ago, ineedadisplayname said:

I really would like to see that list after seeing all your topics...

I have an opposite feeling - after reading OP's topics, and that K-1 withdrawal thing in 2017 (looks like a  "shopping for a bride" from Est. European country/-ies?). 

Edited December 3, 2018 by Ksenia_O

[ineedadisplayname 499]

1 minute ago, Ksenia_O said:

I have an opposite feeling - after reading OP's topics, and that K-1 withdrawal thing in 2017 (looks like a  "shopping for a bride" form Est. European country/-ies?). 

Oh yeah. Had the same thought but didn't want to write it down. I would say more like a stay at home wife who would take care of the house, husband etc...

 

As you also mentioned she is probably not in for the green card because otherwise most likely (depends whats on the list) she would have agreed to anything on that infamous list without a word....